This older man has acted different around me for over 3 years; is he shy or interested? If the latter how can I ask him out w/out spooking him?

[InfernalHare]

I'm in an interesting situation. This was been a reoccurring thing between me and this older guy since 2017. I'm curious about him but am an anxious person myself. He seems super shy or something? Though despite us not seeing each other often at all he consistently acts different around me.

From the very first time I met him in 2017, I was attracted to him as he's a very passionate and creative individual. Though at the time I had severe social anxiety. He would obviously stare at me from afar and smile, though once we sit beside one another he turns into a statue. I think he was trying to flirt with me bc he leaned in very close as if to say something to me and my anxiety flew through the roof and I bolted (stupid I know).

I only run into him during an event I go to every year (except for COVID) and I've been consistently surprised that he still gets flustered around me. For instance, the second time I saw him in 2018 he did the same staring thing and statue mode when next to me but I did notice he meekly tried to talk to me. It didn't even register he said something until retrospect and I felt like a total ass and he clammed up and didn't make eye contact w/ me throughout the night.

Then 2019 I was able to realize he might have a serious crush on me still somehow bc this time his behavior was more obvious. He was with his friends and was more relaxed. By chance he'd sat across from me and the MOMENT he noticed I was there he kept staring and smiling at me... to the point I wondered if he knew how to blink. I think he noticed I was anxious and he'd stopped but I caught him staring at me a gazillion times that night. I just figured he is a shy, awkward person but one of his friends loudly remarked "Hey! Why are you so quiet?" To which he immediately looked away and got quiet.

For context, English isn't his first language but I'm bilingual. I actually had a boyfriend in the past that spoke ONLY his language though. How can I ask him out if he is interested?

[Aerissa_Jade]

You could talk to him, kind of probe a bit see if he might be. He could think he is too old for you or could be really shy or both.

He might be really into you, if you let him know that you would be interested in getting to know him better.

You don't have to make a move as direct as lets go on a date, just suggest maybe you get together and get some coffee or dinner sometime as friends and see where it goes.

[InfernalHare]

Yeah, I honestly kinda feel for him. I have really bad social anxiety (its slowly getting better...) so I can understand freezing up and being shy. It just seemed so unusual for someone to be so flustered in my presence (usually I'm the one who does that haha)

I often overthink things but I'll try to keep your advice in mind... start small and go from there :)
Honestly I don't think he's aware of how much of his language I can speak; that'll likely put him at ease as well

[PrettyPriya]

Simple. Ask him out. Suggest meeting for lunch or a coffee. Make it casual and nothing to serious like a romantic dinner. That will give you a chance to meet and spend some one on one time.

It will also give him a chance to open up a bit if he is shy. It does sound like you are going to have to make the move just by what you describe.

[Realbanger87]

He definitely likes you and is interested in you. Thing is he doesn't think you feel the same, so admiring you from afar is good enough for him, since admiring you in close proximity didn't help him much.
Just go up, say Hi or hello, extend a handshake, introduce yourself, ask him any question that comes to mind and let him do the talking from there

[20yearsolder]

Wait till he's alone, You do the talking. I noticed that you look at me a lot, you smile at me, you even tried to speak to me. I've been very awkward myself. I'm curious if you'd be interested in going out to dinner sometime. Something like that

[sage2021]

Maybe he has severe social anxiety as well. But he also could be a weirdo. I would pump the brakes on this. I know people here are trying to encourage you but just be careful

[InfernalHare]

I really appreciate your feedback and concern. I'm not divulging all the context of him and the situation but I doubt he'd be a run of the mill weirdo, I've run into quite a few where I currently live, so I'd say I have a decent radar.

His shyness is pretty characteristic of the culture he's from (including the anxiety about speaking English), many men tend to be shy and show their interest in pretty indirect ways like this where he's from. Of course, I'll still stay vigilant but he just seems like a really shy guy as he's pretty countercultural in his interests (like me) and his culture isn't as accepting of his niche so I'd imagine he's anxious about a number of things like feeling accepted as well.

[Needadvice1202]

Your probably right, he is interested in you, usually people have a good idea when someone is interested in them :)

[InfernalHare]

Thanks I appreciate your input! I have horrid social anxiety and often second-guess myself. Its very helpful to hear another person's pov :)

[IndieDays]

A man will let you know if he is interested and will ask you out. Asking him out as others suggest would look desperate. Even the shyest man or a man where the local language is secondary will make a move if he is interested. This has been going on for three years? Time to cut this loose. Seriously. The friends are
obviously immature. This guy enjoys flirting and nothing else.

[InfernalHare]

I appreciate your input :) though I do feel like things aren't always black and white like this. I for instance have really bad social anxiety and even if I REALLY like someone I'd rarely even speak first. Also, for more context, I often see him at an event I go to at least once a year so it's not like I see him often at all - hence why I thought it was cute/interesting that even after so long he'd still get flustered over me :)

[Stevefiveo]

Ask him to coffee or lunch the next time you see him. Good luck.

[Iron_Man]

How old is this older man

[InfernalHare]

Def in his 40s :)

[Iron_Man]

That’s awesome that gives me hope 😊

[InfernalHare]

Aw I'm glad to hear that! :) i'm one of those types that actually prefers older guys haha - hope you find someone like that too

[Iron_Man]

I love it I really appreciate this thank you so much

[In_Trance]

So... ask him