What would you do in a Carla situation?

[Caz26]

This always seems to happen in particular with Spanish and Latin American girls named Carla, hence being coined the Carla situation:

You meet an incredibly attractive girl named Carla at some social gathering. You both hit it off immediately and there is clearly mutual attraction and flirting. You get her contact information and start chatting. However, the very next time you meet up with her and her friends she is flirting with another guy at the club/party and ends up going home with him. What do you do?

(a) Stop talking to her. What she did was disrespectful

(b) Even if it was disrespectful or immature of her there still seems to be mutual attraction there. You should suck it up and still try to bang her

(c) Call her out on her behavior. Might get you some answers and closure but will likely lead to the same result as option (a)

Updates

1 y

Option (b) got cut off. It should say: still try to bang her

Updates

1 y

Update: I went with option 3 😄

[Anonymous]

It can be difficult and frustrating to experience a situation like this, especially when there is mutual attraction and connection with someone. However, it's important to remember that each person and each relationship is unique, and that there may be a variety of reasons why someone behaves in a certain way.

In this situation, it may be helpful to communicate your feelings and expectations clearly and respectfully with Carla. You may want to express that you felt a connection with her and were disappointed to see her flirting with someone else, or that you would prefer to focus on building a connection with her without the presence of other potential romantic interests.

However, it's important to respect Carla's boundaries and preferences, even if they are not what you were hoping for. It's also important to remember that you have the right to prioritize your own well-being and boundaries in any situation, and to focus on building fulfilling relationships based on mutual trust and respect.

Ultimately, the best course of action may depend on the specific dynamics of your relationship with Carla and how you both feel about the situation. By communicating openly and respectfully, you can create a strong and healthy sense of self-worth and respect, and can build fulfilling relationships based on mutual trust and respect.

[Caz26]

I first met this girl at a meetup event in the city I recently moved to. Actually saw her at two separate meetup groups and got her information at the second one. Tried to invite her to a few events. She left me friendly voice messages. When I asked her out to a one on one meal at a restaurant she had recommended to me she messages me that she wants make it clear that if I’m looking for something other than friendship she’s not the right person.

I responded that I was just trying to meet people in the city because I had to leave in a few days but would be back in a few months and wanted to meet people that lived there. Also assumed she wanted to hangout with people because I met her at a few meetup groups. She writes that:

She said that she goes to the meetup groups to “meet new people, hangout, have some fun! But apparently most guys don’t see it that way and believe I’m looking for smtg else. Anyways, I still appreciate your invites:)”

So I’m fine with that. I’m trying to meet new people here and I assume she must have some long-distance boyfriend or something and I’m fine hanging with hanging out with this girl platonically if that’s the case or she’s just in a place where she’s not looking for any sexual intimacy with people. I’m not an asshole and she’s a nice girl (and also I’m actively talking to other women so I think I can handle having a platonic female friendship)

[Caz26]

Fast forward 3 months. I am back in this country. I messaged her that I’m back in town and that we had to plan some hangout at some point. She also seemed interested and is now using lots of blush emojies saying “sounds cool, yeah, let’s meet up soon ☺️”

So we end up getting dinner at another place with two other people, one of her friends and one of mine. She txts she had a good time at the dinner and we start planning more things to do. Then the very next day (Saturday) she invites me out to an event with a large group of her friends (both guys and girls) and we end up going clubbing afterwards. I assumed from our previous conversations that she maybe has a long distance boyfriend or something so I’m trying to take things slow out of respect for our previous conversations and keep things friendly. However, this night she ends up going home with a random fuckboy from the club! Like wtf?

Completely inconsistent with everything she said about just going to meetups to find friends and not liking guys coming onto her assuming she’s just looking for sex. And I guess she doesn’t have a long distance boyfriend? I’m honestly so fucking confused by this situation. I just don’t like how she clearly was not sincere about what I thought was a mature communication we were having and what I was basing my own interactions with her off of… Everything she said was completely false I guess. So she goes to meetup events only to make friends but is fine going home with random strangers at clubs though? Makes zero sense. It also really hurt seeing a girl I’m quite attracted to go home with a random guy when I’m over here trying to restrain my attraction out of respect for trying to make a friendship work because she’s actually really nice and fun person to hangout with. Now I’m just really angry with her

[Caz26]

I do know that things could have changed in the last 3 months. She could have had a boyfriend she broke up with or could have decided over that time that she liked me more (we did have some banter going). I also understand that some girls can immaturely try to make a guy jealous when they don’t feel like they’re getting the attention they want from him. I think this especially happened with the first Carla girl from Spain a few years prior but then she ended up hooking up with the guy she was trying to make me jealous with because he doesn’t know a girl he’s flirting with is trying to make another guy jealous. And anyways that jealousy move doesn’t work and only makes me like a girl less because I’m naturally a very proud person and like people to treat me with respect.

Also even if I want ti reach out to this girl about the situation where I did not like seeing her go home with another guy. I don’t even know how I would address this with her. I don’t want to come off as some whiny bitch

[Opinion Owner]

It sounds like you had a positive and respectful interaction with this girl, and it's great that you are open to building a platonic friendship with her. It's important to respect her boundaries and intentions, and it seems like you are doing just that. Meeting new people and making friends in a new city can be challenging, but it sounds like you are taking the right steps to connect with others in a respectful and meaningful way. Keep up the positive attitude and approach, and I wish you the best of luck in building new friendships and connections.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand that this situation is frustrating and confusing for you. It's possible that the girl you were interested in wasn't completely honest with you about her intentions, or maybe she didn't fully understand her own feelings and desires. While it's important to take people at their word and respect their boundaries, it's also important to recognize that people can change their minds or act in ways that are inconsistent with their stated intentions.

It's understandable that you feel hurt and disappointed by her actions, but it's important to remember that you can't control how other people behave. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to continue pursuing a friendship with her, knowing that she may not have been completely honest with you in the past. You may also want to reflect on your own feelings and intentions, and consider whether or not you are able to continue interacting with her platonically without feeling hurt or resentful.

Ultimately, it's important to communicate your feelings and expectations clearly with her, and to listen to her perspective as well. If you decide to continue pursuing a friendship with her, be sure to establish clear boundaries and expectations to avoid any misunderstandings or hurt feelings in the future.

[Opinion Owner]

It's understandable that you may feel confused and unsure of how to approach this situation. It's important to remember that communication is key in any relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic. If you feel comfortable doing so, you may want to consider talking to her about how you feel and what your expectations are for your interactions moving forward. Be clear and respectful in your communication, and try to listen to her perspective as well.

You don't necessarily need to accuse her of anything or come across as whiny. Instead, you can express your feelings in a calm and respectful manner, and ask for clarification on her intentions and actions. You may find that there was a misunderstanding or miscommunication, or you may find that your expectations are simply not compatible with hers. Either way, it's better to have an open and honest conversation than to let your feelings fester and potentially damage your friendship.

Ultimately, whether or not you choose to address the situation with her is up to you. It's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and boundaries, and to make choices that align with your values and goals.

[Opinion Owner]

Let me help you, here are some examples of how you could approach a conversation with her about the situation in a non-whiny way:

- "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about what happened when we went out clubbing. I noticed that you went home with someone that night, and it made me feel a little confused about where we stand. I want to make sure that we're both on the same page about our intentions and expectations for our friendship."
- "I really enjoy spending time with you and value our friendship. However, I have to admit that seeing you go home with someone else that night made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I just wanted to check in and see if we're still on the same page about being friends and nothing more."
- "I want to be honest with you about how I'm feeling. When we went out clubbing and I saw you go home with someone else, it made me feel a bit hurt and confused. I just wanted to talk to you about it and make sure we're both clear on our intentions and expectations for our interactions."

Remember to approach the conversation in a calm and respectful manner, and to listen to her perspective as well. It's possible that there was a misunderstanding or miscommunication, and talking openly and honestly about your feelings can help clear things up and prevent any future issues.

[Caz26]

Thanks man, I really appreciate your thorough response. It was really helpful. Earlier today I had written up a message I was thinking about sending her. I might review some of your responses and adjust it a little but here is what I had written:

“Hey Carla, I’m not trying to judge or cramp your style. You’re an adult and can do what you want. I’m just a bit confused at the moment. When we met you said you were just looking for platonic friends at the meetups and I thought I heard you mention a boyfriend at dinner the other night. But then you went home with a random guy from the club on Saturday… I’m just trying to understand the situation. So you don’t have a boyfriend then? Because I enjoy hanging out with you but would like to know what your situation is“

If it does turn out to be the case that she is single and hooking up with guys but just not attracted to me in that way I plan to tell her that I don’t think we can remain friends because I am attracted to her and it’s hard to see her go home with other guys when we are hanging out. My understanding of the circumstances of the friendship were that she was dealing with everyone platonically but that doesn’t seem to be the case and changes the situation from what I am reasonably comfortable with

[Opinion Owner]

I feel you man and I understand.

Your message to Carla seems clear and respectful, and it effectively communicates your confusion and desire for clarification. However, I would suggest avoiding the line "So you don't have a boyfriend then?" as it can come across as accusatory or judgmental. Instead, you could simply ask for clarification on her relationship status without making assumptions or implications.

Regarding your plan to tell her that you can't remain friends if she's not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you, it's important to remember that you can't control how other people feel or behave. It's okay to communicate your feelings and needs, but it's important to do so in a way that respects her boundaries and autonomy. If she's not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you, it's okay to take some space and focus on building other friendships and connections. Just remember to prioritize your own emotional well-being and boundaries, and to make choices that align with your values and goals.

[Caz26]

Thank you for your input. One point of clarification though, It’s not an ultimatum about pursuing a relationship with me (I indeed am not necessarily looking for something serious at the moment as she may not be). It’s about determining if she has attraction for me as I do her. I don’t want to be put in a situation where she is going home with random guys at clubs buy is on the other hand physically disinterested in me. I agreed to a platonic friendship initially but not to be put in a situation where I’m having to watch her hookup with random fuckboys in front of me. She can get a gay friend to go out with her in those situations. My follow up message if she responds that she is single but not attracted to me or something to that sort would be:

“Ok, well it’s just that I am very attracted to you and it’s very difficult to see you go home with other guys. When I agreed to pursue a platonic friendship it was under the understanding that you were engaging with everyone platonically. I don’t think our friendship can continue if you are planning to go home with other guys when we hangout. That’s very hard for me to see. It might be better that we end our friendship under those circumstances. I hope you can understand”

I think that is mature response that no one could be mad with

[Caz26]

Would this be a better rewording of the initial message in your view?

“Hey Carla, I’m not trying to judge or cramp your style. You’re an adult and can do what you want. I’m just a bit confused at the moment. When we met you said you were just looking for platonic friends at the meetups and I thought I heard you mention a boyfriend at dinner the other night. But then I noticed you went home with some guy from the club on Saturday… I’m just trying to understand the situation. I enjoy hanging out with you but am just confused what your status is atm”

[Opinion Owner]

It's understandable that you want to clarify the nature of your relationship with this person and ensure that you are both on the same page in terms of your expectations and boundaries. It's important to communicate your feelings and concerns in a respectful and honest way, while also being mindful of the other person's feelings and perspectives.

The message you proposed is a clear and direct way to express your concerns and boundaries, while also leaving the door open for further discussion and potential resolution. It's important to remember that ultimately, you have the right to set your own boundaries and make choices that align with your values and goals. If you feel that the friendship is no longer serving your needs or causing you undue stress or discomfort, it may be necessary to end the relationship or take a step back for a while. Whatever you decide, it's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and communicate your needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully.

[Opinion Owner]

And Yes, this rewording of the initial message is more respectful and less confrontational. It's important to approach the conversation with curiosity and openness, rather than judgment or accusations. By expressing your confusion and seeking clarification, you are giving the other person an opportunity to explain their perspective and clear up any misunderstandings. This can help to foster a more constructive and respectful dialogue, and can potentially lead to a deeper understanding and connection between you and the other person.

[Caz26]

Ok, so I sent her that message and this was her response:

"Hey [Caz26], I still don't get why this is coming from you! Well, I don't have a boyfriend so I think you misunderstood something from what I said. I did say that I'm looking for friends and still stand by that! And no worries, [french fuckboy] only walked me to the entrance :)"

Ok now here's my dilemma, should I respond back that after the other night I noticed I might be more attracted to her than I thought and ask if that will be a problem moving forward? But will that make our next "friendly interaction" more awkward because I've just told her I'm attracted to her. Or should I try to set up an immediate date with her so that we don't have an awkward friend or no friend interaction? Or I can ask her for clarification on how she viewed our dinner because I initially viewed it as a date but then because two of our friends showed up it turned into a group meal instead (or double date depending on how she viewed it)

Her message seems to at least leave things open to potentially also being interested in me. On the one hand she said that she's still looking for friends but also mentioned that she didn't sleep with that guy. Whether she did or not is unknown (he was a super aggressive fuckboy and she agreed to go back with him) but she at least wants me to think that they didn't hookup

[Caz26]

Here’s the message I’ve written up to send to her but will send it out in the morning as it is quite late where I am:

Ok, well it’s just that I find myself attracted to you and I was unclear about your current situation. When we had dinner the other night I was purposely vague about it because I was hoping to assess from our interactions whether it was a date or not haha. But then it ended up being a group meal anyways. I just didn’t know what your relationship status was or I would have probably asked you on a date. I don’t know what you’re looking for relationship wise. I’m only out here for a few months and may have to go back to England after so I’m not necessarily looking for something really serious rn but I do find you attractive and think you are a really nice person. And I don’t want our interactions to have to be artificially hindered.

If you’re solely looking for only platonic relationships though and my being attracted to you is outside your comfort zone then I can understand and in that case it might be better for us to stop hanging out. With no hard feelings of course (though if that’s the case you might also want to stay away from that french guy from the nightclub because he clearly wants to bang you 🤷‍♂️) haha:)

[Caz26]

Looking at this now it seems way too long which is not attractive. Maybe I will shorten it:

Ok, well it’s just that I find myself attracted to you and I was unclear about your current situation. I’m only out here for a few months and may have to go back to England after so I’m not necessarily looking for something really serious rn but I do find you attractive and think you are a really nice person. And I don’t want our interactions to have to be artificially hindered.

If you’re solely looking for only platonic relationships though and my being attracted to you is outside your comfort zone then I can understand and in that case it might be better for us to stop hanging out. With no hard feelings of course (though if that’s the case you might also want to stay away from that french guy from the nightclub because he clearly wants to bang you 🤷‍♂️) haha:)

[Opinion Owner]

@Jordanfisher7373 hey Jordan

[Opinion Owner]

Hey Caz, sorry man message me personally when you can. I seen your messages and I wanna say.

It is important to respect Carla's boundaries and her statement that she is looking for platonic friends. Before making any decisions about how to proceed, take some time to reflect on your own feelings and goals. If you do decide to express your interest in Carla, do so in a respectful and non-aggressive way, acknowledging her autonomy and being prepared for any response. For example, you could say: "Hey Carla, after spending time with you the other night, I realized that I might be interested in exploring a romantic relationship with you. However, I understand if that is not something you are interested in and am totally fine with remaining friends if that is the case. I just wanted to be honest with you and see if there is potential for something more between us." It is important to respect her decision and maintain a friendly relationship regardless of the outcome.

[Opinion Owner]

For the second rewording you said to send in the morning :

It is important to be honest about your feelings, but also respectful and considerate of Carla's boundaries and wishes. Your message expresses your attraction to her and your confusion about the nature of your interactions, but it also acknowledges her autonomy and gives her the opportunity to express her own feelings. However, it may be helpful to rephrase some parts of the message to be more clear and respectful. For example, instead of saying "I was hoping to assess from our interactions whether it was a date or not," you could say something like "I was unsure of the nature of our interactions and whether you were interested in pursuing a romantic relationship." Additionally, it may be better to avoid mentioning other guys or making assumptions about her intentions. Overall, it is important to be respectful and considerate of Carla's wishes and boundaries, while also being honest about your own feelings and desires.

[Opinion Owner]

The final one you said to be shortened on:

It is always important to be concise and respectful of Carla's boundaries and wishes. Your shortened message still conveys your attraction to her and your desire to continue interacting with her in a respectful and non-awkward way. However, it may be helpful to rephrase some parts of the message to be more clear and respectful. For example, instead of saying "my being attracted to you is outside your comfort zone," you could say something like "if pursuing a romantic relationship is not something you are interested in, I understand and respect your boundaries." Overall, it is important to be respectful and considerate of Carla's wishes and boundaries, while also being honest about your own feelings and desires.

[Guy13]

Brazilian and Argentinians, what a pain in the arse, I should of known better‼️. Contact delete or shred whatever your style may be.

[Caz26]

These Carla’s were from Barcelona and Venezuela. They come off as very selective in our first encounter and then go home with a random fuckboy the next day in a club. Definitely hits my attraction levels for them because it’s not the behavior I would have expected from this girl. The first time it happened I cut the girl out of my life because I was proud. But that didn’t get me anywhere anyways (and this girl was hot… like top 5 girls I’ve ever met in my life). So I’m now trying to assess what I should do in this same situation with another Carla doing the same thing…

[Pohjolan]

Friendzone her.