Debating my "FWB" situation ... Do I speak up or just walk away?

[Anonymous]

Met him almost 5mos ago through my bro-n-law, started talking, hung out a couple weeks later & its been physical ever since. I've been open, telling him I like him, wanna get to know him better & he gave me his busy schedule excuse about 2mos into it. We continued to talk & be physical w/him initiating all contact. He told me he's an ahole, doesn't wanna hurt me, knows I deserve better ... YET, still showing he wants to be with me. We never "agreed" on a friends with benefits relationship ... So, now I'm in this situation. Obviously my feelings are involved, still want more & deserve it & he knows this, but still isn't taking it to another level. We Haven't had a talk about relationships/feelings since middle of Nov., but we've been w/each other after. Now we Haven't spoken in about 10days, which really hurts me. We didn't argue, last time he left my house after an amazing time he kissed & said "bye sweetie!". He still hangs out where my bro-n-law bar tends & I don't know what to do. Do I speak up for myself, let him know the way he's treating me (not calling) hurts OR do I just let him go & walk away? Should I give ultimatum?

I'm torn on how to approach him w/it all ... Being that its been over 10days since we last communicated, via text. I mean is this him telling me something here? I don't want him to think this is okay though! At this point just not sure how to word it ... ?

Please don't judge ... I want honest "going fwd" advice ... Thank you :)

Updates

+1 y

Thank you all first,for not judging while I was seeking advice in this matter and second,for being brutally honest with your opinions, advice & insights! I've decided not to do anything until after holidays. Whether he decides to contact or not I will be expressing my feelings about this, so I can have closure & walk away with my dignity. If it was one night stand then I'd be ina different mindset, but after 5mos, meeting my son, knowing my sis & bro-n-law...Can't just walk away w/out speaking up!

Updates

+1 y

Welp ... This Friday it'll be 1month since we last spoke & I'm not heearing great things about him from my bro-n-law & his co-worker. No reason for him to be disrespectful ... Just an immatture ass I guess! I never said anything to him by the way, my sis wanted me to put him in his place, but I'm thinking silence will say more ... If anything, but obviously he doesn't care... My lesson learned for sure...

Updates

+1 y

Update: After almost 6weeks of no contact HE decided to text twice last night or should I say earlier this morning. At 12:15am "Whats up" & at 1am "Sweetie". Really ... Really ... Serious? Any & all opinions are welcomed ... ;)

Updates

+1 y

Does this make him a decent guy or still a douche trying to get some ... "Hi (my name), hope everything is well for you... Have a good one". He just sent this yesterdy around 2:30pm ... Wth?

Updates

+1 y

Well after he sent that random "fishing" text, he text Superbowl Sunday & asked to see me. He was pretty persistent & we actually talked more, about my pix, mine & his past and our kids. I celebrated my birthday at a local place, he ended up joining my friends & I. Stayed getting along great with everyone, my sis took pix of us ... Seemed like a authentic time! I don't know ... Is it just gonna go on like this, on & off ... ?

[skycrashes]

It sounds to me like you're interested in having a relationship and he's either not interested or has serious reservations about getting into a relationship. The tough thing about a situation like this one (I was recently in a similar spot) is that every time you're together it's great, and then when you're apart you spend a lot of time thinking about him and he (apparently) doesn't spend much time thinking about you. The other tough thing is that you didn't agree to try a relationship - everything is status quo - so you're not really in a position to make demands on his time even though you would like to. All I can suggest is to be frank with him about how you feel. These conversations can be difficult to start, but usually get rolling pretty quick. Ultimately if you want a boyfriend and he doesn't want to be a boyfriend it's going to end up in heartbreak sooner or later. You sound like a pretty easy going chick (most women I know flip out way before 10 days), so I don't think you're being unreasonable, I just think you two may want entirely different things. Also, I noticed when I was in a similar situation I found myself feeling more insecure than usual and as a result I was much more hurt by his lack of attention. Once I took charge it was much better and I ended up dating other people until I found someone I connected better with and who also wanted a relationship. Then, I cut off physical contact with my 'fwb' and we are now strictly friends, and happier for it. What made this easier was that we decided together that we would see other people and if anything got serious that would be the end of our physical forays. In the mean time we enjoyed each others' company and even went on a date here and there.

In short, as this guy is a self-proclaimed ahole, I think you should tell him that you're feeling a little neglected and that if you want to continue your physical relationship it will have to be OK that you see other people with the intention of getting into a monogamous relationship and thus downgrading your 'fwb' status to just 'f'.

[Asker]

Yup 10days is longest we've gone with no comm, so this tells me so much more. Since our last "talk" in mid-Nov we've been with each other like 3-4 times since, so we obviously both still enjoyed & wanted to be with each other.

I know I've been told I'm being too nice not calling him after 10days, but I feel if I initiate here it'll give him thst satisfaction.& I've been open as to what I want. I never told him I was okay with being in any sorta "fwb" agreement, but my actions told him different I guess.

[skycrashes]

I wouldn't worry about giving him the 'satisfaction' of a phone call; it's not like you're giving in. But I would suggest having a conversation about getting into a relationship face-to-face as opposed to over the phone. The holidays are a tough time for this kind of thing too, so unfortunately the timing is poor. Nevertheless, a call to say 'let's get together in the new year' might solidify some plans, at least and make you feel a little better.

[Asker]

I keep reading through diff advice websites & they keep saying that someone in my situation isn't owed any sorta explanation...wth! How about common courtesy, mutual respect, human decency? I would have more respect for him if he told me sorry babe can't be with you anymore instead of just "NOT calling" ... Ughhh!7

[Anonymous]

He just wants the sex. He'll do what it takes to keep the sex coming, until you get batsh*t crazy. That's how 90% of friends with benefits situations unroll. The guy wasn't really interested from the start, he just wanted some p**** while he stalked for the type of girls he wanted to date. Nothing he does means anything ... I've had friends with benefits who wanted to cuddle and hang out and talk about our feelings til the cows came home. It doesn't matter. You can't change his mind -- usually guys know if they want you to be their girlfriend as soon as they see you, because guys are visual and suiting their physical preferences is the most important part of the equation. Without that, they'll bone you, but never date you.

[Asker]

I guess I truly didn't wanna believe someone I met through bro-n-law, someone that I liked & had been intimate would just stop calling ... Sux that I believed & was hopeful I had met him for good & not bad!

[Opinion Owner]

He's doing what's known as "fishing" ... to see if you'll start having sex with him again. If a guy wants you to be his girlfriend, he'll ask you out. Guys can have good manners and treat you good and still only want you for sex, not a relationship.

[Asker]

"Fishing"? No sincerity in that term at all ... Great! FML ... :/

[Anonymous]

UPDATE: He's fishing for sex. He was probably hooking up with someone else who stopped sleeping with him, so he's trying to get some from you. Early morning texts don't mean anything but he wants someone to play with his penis.

[Asker]

Ya well nomore playing with anything unless in a committed telationship ... Lesson learned!

[themastaplan]

why are you wasting your time with a guy who has you on the back burner?

i know, I know its so much easier said than done...but he has made it clear he doesn't want to be with you and if he does he has a weird way of showing it...sometimes actions can be misinterpreted...

this is no longer a FWB situation, why? youd acquired feelings for him...

you need to do one of two things...tell him how you feel and that you can't just hook up with him anymore unless there is more to you guys...or you need to just walk away because you've given him chances...

he isn't affected by this "no communication" thing that's happening now, from what you are telling me you are option 2 not 1, who wants to be 2...come on, take care of yourself!

personally, I think you need to back away, distance yourself, as hard as it may be right now its for the best...youre only hurting yourself by holding on to this confusing character...

say what you need to say, if he doesn't want what you want then become independant again and work on yourself...again this is way past a FWB situation as youve acquired feelings...you need to figure this out now before you become more attached and get hurt ever more...

seriously tho, this is for your own good...

good luck and I hope this helps!

[Asker]

So by distance you mean do not reply if & when he contacts? I am really good at shutting down & not initiating any comm because I feel like it gives him satisfaction in the end. Yes I know his actions are telling me so much more, but seriously after 5mos & he knows & sees my bro-n-law ... Just hurt!

[themastaplan]

distance...like no communication, any form of communication or seeing each other physically is a no-no...why? because distance and time will help you heal and move on faster

[themastaplan]

@ update...kill him by being happy and sucessful, as kayne always said "sucess is the best revenge"

[Asker]

My poor bro-n-law sees the punk he's being but still has to serve him because its his job. That pisses me off more that he acts like nada is wrong, I'll flirt & drink my beer & I don't care that he sees ... When I first met him none of this crossed my mind ... Sweet revenge is a nice plan!

[themastaplan]

@ update...he was drunk and wanted ass...dont mess with this guy, he is bad news for you emotions

[Asker]

I agree! I was just stunned to see these texts when I woke up. A true gentleman would've been sincere about his MIA status ... Not 1am booty call thinking that's okay! I never replied, so proud of myself for not giving in to think "Oh, he still thinks of me, maybe he really does want a relationship!"

[MrOracle]

Here's the bottom line: you agreed (with your actions, if not your words) to be FWB with him. The ONLY rule of FWB is: no emotional attachments.

Now you want to break that rule, and don't seem to understand that he likes the rule just as it is. And that's how FWB works most of the time; almost never do they lead to a relationship, because if the people involved wanted a relationship, they wouldn't have agreed to FWB in the first place.

Your problem is that you weren't honest with him or yourself about how you felt. You went forward with one agreement, hoping to change the agreement later. It almost never works out that way.

You probably aren't the type of girl who can have a FWB without getting attached, but even more than that, it sounds like you knew that you liked the guy from the beginning, which means you were lying from the beginning. And now, you've only ended up hurting yourself, which, again, is exactly what always happens.

You need to break this off, and going forward, no more FWB for you. They don't work for you. Going forward, you need to hold off on sex until you're in a relationship, and that means getting the relationship established FIRST. That's the only way you're going to prevent feeling hurt and used this way.

[Asker]

I agree, I did like him from beginning & I wouldn't have continued anything with him if I didn't. I realize the mistake I made by telling him I liked him, wanted to hang out, get to know him better & when he didn't reciprocate ... I should've stopped the "benefits"! I'm so not wired for friends with benefits situation & I'm made for allowing it. In the past if we hadn't talked in a few days he would always apologize & say he hadn't forgotten me,but but almost 2weeks is longest. So, at this point do I contact at all?

[MrOracle]

IMO, I wouldn't initiate contact with him at all. Either he won't call you (move on), he'll call you for sex (say no, move on), or he'll call you to maintain a real friendship (that's fine, IF you can handle being just friends). But I'm fairly sure he isn't going to try to make this a relationship, so you might as well forget about that.

[Asker]

Im totally beating myself up because I feel like a fool. I believed when he said he didn't wanna hurt me, but my feelings are hurt by him just not contacting period! Didn't think it would end like this ... Doesnt make me feel good at all!

[MrOracle]

Understandable. However, THIS is what FWB is: no emotional attachment, just occasional (and sometimes frequent) sex, and then back to your own two lives without owing anything to each other. Be very clear on this, because this is what you more-or-less agreed to.

Next time you are tempted to allow yourself to enter into such a relationship, remember this pain VERY well. You're not cut out for FWB (most women aren't), so make sure you don't do it again.

[MrOracle]

On one hand, he didn't really owe you anything; you tacitly agreed to a FWB.

But not talking to you for 6 weeks, and then sending a couple of middle-of-the-night (probably drunken) texts is DOUCHE behavior.

You're better off without him.

[Asker]

Is it ... Once a douche always a douche?

Well I didn't reply even though I didn't get texts til I woke up. He was actually @ my bro-n-law's bar when he called ... Hmmmm?!

[Anonymous]

You have to be honest and tell him that you want a relationship and you have to leave him because you can't deal with being his FWB because you have feelings.