Intense Chemistry--Said he is Scared!!!

[Anonymous]

I went on 6 amazing dates with a guy who we both admit to incredible chemistry between us. His heart had been broken 4 months before we met, as his x had cheated on him. Our time together was fabulous--over a course of a month and half. He did all the chasing, then left on a 2 week trip. The first week he was texting/ emailing everyday, then the second week he said I wouldn't hear from him until he got home. When he got back he was distant. He finally told me that our chemistry scared him, he wasn't ready for a relationship because he was scared of relationships and love. BUT then he told me that he is trying to work on a long distance relationship with a friend (of 10 years) he had hooked up with for 4 days out of his trip...he said he feels good starting a relationship with someone he has known for this long, but told me he doesn't even know if they have chemistry! I have backed off, after telling him he was going to lose me forever... I haven't heard from him, and it has been 2 weeks. I am wondering, is there anything that I can do to get back with him? He knows how I feel about him, as we've talked about it. We have a tonne of common interests, which he admits to. He told me that the reason he stopped pursuing me is because our chemistry was too intense for him. What is your advice for getting back together with him?

[liquidlithium]

It sounds like he either A: Really is scared of the chemistry you two have and made something up for a scapegoat. or B: You just got played, it could really go either way.

My advice to you would be to leave it be, and if the chemistry was that great, he will realize the mistake he made and come back on his own. The one thing you don't want to do is look desperate and do silly things to win them back. I've learnt this, and you just end up looking back on the situation and think "what was I thinking, I looked like a pathetic idiot". You want to always leave relationships graciously, because no one is worth begging and pleading. If someone feels the same way as you do then they would be there as much as you want to be there for them. Period. There's no grey area, there's no secret formula or answer to change someone's mind. In the meantime, go out and do your own thing and if its meant to be it will be. Don't hold onto him and pass up opportunities with other deserving people. Because as amazing as it was, it was only 6 dates. And how rude of him to tell you he's dropping you for someone else! Think about that, that's a awful thing to do to someone you know is really into you, shows a little of his true character I think. You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. So go out with friends, have fun, try new things, your not going to be alone forever, and its when you truly let go that opportunities with others will come knocking at your door :)

[Asker]

He never seemed like a player to me. He seemed completly genuine, and I had heard that from several friends who we are both friends with, that he is. He has only dated 5 women in 15 years... and we had both talked about the fact that we are looking for something 'real' and permanent. I am not holding my breath when it comes to waiting. I really am not interested in dating others right now, but I am still getting out a lot by myself or with friends.

[liquidlithium]

Sometimes people say what they know you want to hear. That's what I learnt from my last relationship. Words are just words, I could have argued teeth and nails with my friends and family when it came to my ex. I thought everything he said, all the promises he made, all the plans that we had were completely genuine. But his actions (i.e dropping me like a hat out of no where) spoke louder then his words. And its the same thing in your case.

[liquidlithium]

Think about this, if you met the possible love of your life, who you had amazing chemistry with, would you let that go for someone else because your scared?? I don't think so. If he was really scared, he would be alone right now, not being able to commit to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Well first you have to be prepared that he may not be interested in getting back together and be ready to move on with grace if he doesn't. You should also decide if you even want him back. You may have some feelings for him, but he didn't treat you very good by hooking up with another girl while he was away. Will you be able to trust him again?

If you do really want him back well you are on the right track by not contacting him. Keep up the no contact for another two weeks and see if he tries to get back in touch. Then after not contacting him for a total of 30 days you can call him and ask him if he wants to get together for coffee. If he declines then wait another couple weeks and call again. If he still isn't interested in see you then you need to move on. If he does accept then use this opportunity to have a good time with him, don't bring up the relationship for now, just have fun with him. Once you have gone out a few times and he sees you are fun to be with then you can bring up trying again.

[Asker]

I had asked him on IM what he thought was going on with us, and he said, "I don't know, hanging out, getting to know eachother, touching lips once in a while...lol" I had told him "Well, I was more into it than you were." and he said, "It was real, I felt it too." It sounded like he wanted me to wait to see how things went with the other girl. I said, no I don't need a friend, I am looking for a relationship. I am not going to contact him. If he is interested, he will get ahold of me.........

[aschwa17]

Maybe the best thing is to just not get back together with him. Some people like a lot of chemistry and some people don't. Having some chemistry is good but when you have soo much in common it can be boring. It's good to find someone who you can learn new things from. It's had to grow as a relationship when you already have everything in common.

[Asker]

I don't think that too much chemistry could ever be a bad thing... Common interests are the glue to a good relationship, in my opinion...I agree that people should have their separate interests, also...it keeps a relationship alive and interesting. You definitely need to have common and different interests. We did for sure...

[Anonymous]

He is trying to ease the blow. If he tells you that he just likes the other girl better then he would feel more guilty about choosing her over you. Sure you have chemistry, but he obviously cares for her more, so he will try with her. Since you weren't officially in a relationship, I'd say all you can do now is to just have no contact with him, at least until you have had time to get over him. Take at least a month minimum before you even think of contacting him again. Then move on and go look for another guy you have great chemistry with. It is his loss. You are near him and want to be with him, but he doesn't want to be with you right now. Don't take it personally. Whatever you do, don't wait for him. Get out there and date some more, if he contacts you and says he made a mistake, then take it slow with him if you think something could still be there between you.

[Asker]

Thank you for your honesty...I have been doing exactly that...trying to forget about him.... I feel sad. I am amazing, and if he won't see that, then I have to leave it...pretend like I never knew him.

[lolfreddy]

First off you fu*ked it up by saying that he would lose you forever. Boys will react to this and flood you with "I'm sorry" and "please forgive me!" but men will just shrug it off and walk away.

That's why he hasn't called you back, because that was immature on your part.

He probably got scared about the chemistry because you were probably on his mind the whole first week of his trip. He wasnt ready for a relationship so that sudden attachment scared him. Also he met up with a friend he's knows for a decade.

I don't know what is going on in his mind, but next time don't ever say "You're going to lose me forever" because it makes it seem like you're too snobby.

That's just my personal opinion though.

[John-Bee]

I'm sorry. If he was really that into you he would be dieing to making contact with you.

When I like a girl I have a hard time not bothering or smothering her too much. I try to limit contact to once or twice a day.

How can you get him back? What if a guy likes you but you don't care for him. What can he do to make you like him?