Why aren't guys interested in me? What's wrong with me?

[Anonymous]

Hey peeps. So I'm 18 and I'm not ugly or fat or anything, nor am I drop dead gorgeous. I consider myself smart (not nerdy kind of smart but smart enough. Lol. Well, I get good grades so I suppose I'm smart to an extent?), outgoing, friendly and I'm just a happy-go-lucky person. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, go clubbing (I actually dislike partying... haha) and have never done any of those things. Plus I've never kissed anyone before. LOL. People are shocked when they hear it from me and won't ever believe it because I just don't seem the type who's that innocent. I love football (soccer as you Americans call it :p), am a TOTAL adrenaline junkie, love traveling and I like artsy cultural kinds of activities.

I laugh a lot with my friends cus I'm naturally just an eternally jovial person (in public) and I dress up, wear some make up, do my hair and stuff like that so I'm not a total slob or anything.

The thing is, I've never had a guy approach me and/or start talking to me. Ever. Yes, there are some guys I see on the street (who I actually make eye contact with which is very rare. Deep down I'm a shy person) who smile at me BUT I never ever get approached. My sister gets approached really often (in car rental stores, shops, etc.) and so do my friends! For instance, there's a guy who was sitting next to my friend in class and he just started talking to her and now they're friends. I've never had that happened to me before! I do have guy friends but they remain just that - friends. And if they start talking to me it's just cause they were being friendly and just genuinely want to be friends (I know this because the guy who talks to me always end up talking to everyone else lol while the guys who talk to my sister/friend just talk to them and them only so it's obvious they're only interested in them).

However, I've never actually met a guy I'M interested in yet. Could this be the reason why there are no guys who are interested in me? But then my sisters and friends don't get the guys they like all the time as well. But they do get attention and I never do :( What's wrong with me? I'm open to all answers!

[billy_young]

Well there's a couple of possibilities that spring to mind:

1. You're not as decent looking as you think and actually guys just aren't attracted to you either because of your natural looks or because of your style or way you do make up or whatever. But unless you were really ugly (and you'd probably know if you were) then this can't be the only reason.

2. Guys are interested but you just don't notice or when you say "guys aren't into me", what you actually mean is "I've never been asked out".

You say in the comment below that your sister always attracts a**holes or guys who just want sex... well if you approach a stranger and start flirting, you are going purely on physical attraction and therefore probably are after sex. As this isn't the kind of guy you want to attract, I think you're looking for/expecting the wrong thing. Nice guys who are likely to ask you out for your personality are likely to be friends first, or at least know you a bit from class or something. They are likely to become friends with you before asking you out. That way they know and are attracted to your personality not just your body. So maybe rather than expecting a Hollywood scene where you bump into a guy in the street and he falls instantly in love with you, try looking for signs from people around you - friends, classmates, friends of friends etc. At school or college, and to a lesser extent uni, most serious relationships develop from friendship with classmates first.

3. As the other guy said, you're too shy. This could have 3 effects.

Either you lack the confidence to believe that guys like you if ever you - if ever you think someone might be flirting with you, you change your mind and think 'why would they be flirting with me?'.

Or, you're so shy that guys just don't notice you. If you're really that quiet, people might just not really notice you as a potential girlfriend. But you say you're quite outgoing so I think this is less likely.

Or, you're so shy that when guys do flirt with you and show you some attention, you don't reciprocate and don't show that you are interested at all, so after a while they loose interest. If a guy flirts with you, or is really friendly with you, or makes eye contact, or tries to dance with you in a club, or whatever else, then you have to do it back and show that you are interested.

4. It could be that you're just not a nice person or you're really boring. But you have friends, so maybe not.

5. You don't go partying. I said that a lot of young serisous relationships come from friends. Most of the others come from meeting people at a party or while out clubbing. House parties are good ways of meeting friends of friends, so they aren't complete strangers, and clubbing is a way of meeting people with a similar taste in music. Start doing those things and be confident and flirtatious and you'll get attention soon enough. Some of them will be idiots just after sex, but some will be nice guys who could be boyfriend material :)

[Asker]

Hey man, thanks so much! Your answer got me thinking (reeeaaaaally deeply). Really really appreciate it :)

[billy_young]

You're welcome. I just realized I didn't comment on your statement "I've never actually met a guy I'M interested in yet" which is hugely important. How, in 18 years, have you never met a single guy that you like at all? Is that really true? If it is, then why is it a problem that you don't get 'hit on'? Do you want to be pestered by guys you don't like?

I think perhaps you need to let guys in more and give them more of a chance :)

[Asker]

Oh let me clarify that: I haven't met a guy I'm REALLY interested in. Someone I could have tons of fun with. I'm worried if there's anything wrong with me is cus I just feel that if the guys I'm not interested are not even attracted to me, how are the guys I really like supposed to be? I don't just go for any guy like my sister does (lol). I just feel that maybe I'm aiming too high and I actually don't deserve someone smart, funny, adventurous and who I find physically attractive.

[billy_young]

There's nothing wrong with you at all. Some people will just go out with anyone they like a little or sleep with complete strangers, while others don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend until they are 30 or more and they stay together for the rest of their lives. However I would suggest that you open yourself up a bit more. Attraction is most obvious and most likely to happen if it is mutual. If a guy likes you a bit but you show no interest (because you don't like him) then he won't make...

[billy_young]

...it obvious that he likes you, because he's just setting himself up for rejection and humiliation. So maybe guys have liked you, but you've not noticed or they have kept it hidden.

As for you liking people, don't lower your standards. You should never 'settle' for someone who isn't really who you want to be with. But like I said, give people a chance. Maybe if you start dating someone you'll realize that actually they're nicer than you thought or funnier one-to-one than in a group...

[billy_young]

... or something like that. Or maybe you'll date someone and realize that they aren't right for you, but in that case nobody looses anything, you just gain experience which helps to make life richer. That's my thoughts anyway. If you would prefer to wait for your perfect man that's OK, but I think dating and experiencing going out with different people is the best way forward.

The other reasons I mentioned in my original answer are still possibilities though :)

[Asker]

Oh gosh thanks so much for your time and help. These are the things my friends/family will NEVER talk about cus they have it going easy for them. I agree with everything you said, especially the part about opening up & giving people a chance :p I just could never get along with any guy (at this day & age it's harder cus guys just want a shag. I believe in saving myself till marriage so maybe guys can sense this? Lol). Maybe when I get to uni next year I'll meet someone. Anyways, thanks again! :)

[Scandalyssa]

This is the stupidest response I have ever heard. Sounds like a male chauvinist. I wouldn't take anything this dude says seriously, doesn't look like he goes on many successful dates from his baldness.

[markml]

My question is why do girls care so much about this?

You say that you don't meet guys that interest you. For a moment, let's ignore whether this is a problem in itself (whether you might be too picky or not know what you want).

You're essentially asking why you don't have a ton of guys wasting their time on you. Why is this something you should care about?

Put yourself in our shoes. No guy wants to have his time wasted. Not only that, but almost no guy would ever expect girls to automatically pay attention to him, especially girls he doesn't even like. It would have to be a pretty arrogant guy to expect a whole bunch of girls to waste their time flocking around him. So why do you girls have to care so much about how much attention you get?

I think the world would be a much better place if no guy ever wasted his time on a girl who wasn't interested, so that no one would ever have false expectations!

Of course, the world is not so perfect, and so there are plenty of guys wasting their time. You see guys waste their time not only with girls who aren't interested in them, but even with girls who they themselves aren't really interested in. But the guys who do this most are rather dumb, and it's unfortunate that girls now expect us all to be like that.

Here's a thought: Maybe you're just not meeting enough dumb guys. That's actually a possibility... because the kind of activities you avoid (drinking, smoking, drugs, clubbing, partying) are actually the best ways to meet to dumb guys. You've kinda cut yourself off from the best ways to get hit on by random guys.

But regardless, please stop, stop, stop comparing yourself to other girls. Go find your Prince Charming or whatever, and then you can ask yourself what you need to do to attract him. But don't worry about attracting guys you have no interest in, or you become as silly as the dumb guys.

[Asker]

I'm just worrying so much cus I'm afraid there's something that I'm subconsciously doing that's putting off guys that might be obvious to you but not to me as a female. I just feel that if these dumb guys aren't even interested in me, how the hell will guys I actually like want me? Thank you so much for your answer by the way. I guess the reason I might not be attracting any attention from males is because the ones that actually give attention to random girls are the a-holes. Thanks again! :)

[markml]

Yeah, I'm saying don't worry about dumb guys :)

You know the Ugly Duckling story, right? The swan finds itself in a pond of ducks, and assumes it is ugly because the ducks think so. You're that swan, and you're thinking to yourself, "Well I can't attract the ducks, so how am I going to attract another swan." But swans aren't supposed to be attracted to ducks anymore than ducks are supposed to be attracted to swans.

[Asker]

Aww that's such a nice comparison! Haha. I suppose so. Guess I'm in a far better league than these dumbasses eh! :p Well thank you, you made my day :)

[markml]

You're welcome :) Just keep your eyes open, the right guy will come along.

[CO4879]

Start approaching them instead and see what happens. Or, you could try and hold that eye contact for a little bit then giving them a slight smile before shyly looking down.

Don't stress love. You have probably got another 70 years to find a man.

[jay6994]

you just have bad luck; there seems to be no reason that cause guys to avoid you.:)

aha, trust me; when I say I do have an idea about where you are coming from. people blow their minds when they find out that I'm a virgin. (Of course, I've done other stuff.) And it was weird; a few years ago back, girls wouldn't really talk to me either. Then I heard 2 years later, how I was "the cutest Asian guy" they had seen.

I was really reserved back then. I kept to my business and kept my nose up. idk, maybe it's the fact you are still maturing or you are in an uncomfortable environment.

my advice to changing into a social animal and charming the opposite gender is be more social and outgoing and expressive, even in the face of opposition or opposite gender;).

And lemme address the last part; I know exactly what you mean! I used to be the most pickiest person; this didn't help me at all by the way. funny thing is after I learned how to become social, I didn't know there were so many girls that I'm not interested in, even though they were cuties. as a human, you pretty much can't help what you are and aren't interested in; just because megan fox plays with robots; doesn't mean I'm attracted or interested in her.:)

[Asker]

Hey, thanks for answering! I don't think I particularly want to be a "social animal" because I don't want a guy who is either :P I love guys who are guys - the ones who are pretty smart, play video games, watch football with their mates, etc. but don't go out clubbing/partying. I'm not really picky, I just want someone who's similar to myself so we can get along great :)

[Anonymous]

I think it's because you're shy.

A guy smiles at you, and your response is to look away, look down, anything to avoid making eye contact and smiling back.

I can only infer from this, that you absolutely suck at flirting.

Young guys don't like to chase what won't be caught. And you are giving off a vibe that you're not interested and won't be caught. I very much doubt your sister does this.

you need to watch her closely. See what she does and how she reacts when a guy starts to show her interest. Learn from this. Copy what she does.

[Asker]

Haha you're totally right about my lack of flirting skills. And YES I always avoid eye contact! Sure I may not be flirtatious like my sister or whatever, but I just feel it's weird to be flirty with strangers/people I barely know. Plus I thought being open, friendly and outgoing was enough to get a guy to talk to you. Should I be more "flirtatious" then?

[Opinion Owner]

Look at your sister. Take your cue from her.

[Asker]

No thanks. She gets sh*tty guys/a**holes anyway. Lol. Can we please not involve anyone? I'm just curious as to what I'M doing wrong. I really don't want to be like my sister (for reasons I will not disclose)... She is the total opposite of me and like I said, she's not someone I would take cues from because guys always end up just wanting to have sex with her. She's not even happy with the guys she actually has ACTUAL relationships with.

[Opinion Owner]

I think you've missed the point. No one said you have to hook up with the same losers your sister does.

You need to watch how she reacts to guys and learn from that.

Then you do those things, with the guys who aren't a**holes, and who you actually want to date.

[Asker]

That's the thing, even before you react to guys that particular guy has to make a move initially. The friends I'm with and my sister don't do anything to non-verbally let the guy come close or anything, it just happens naturally for them.

[Opinion Owner]

I think that's not true. I think you haven't been observing them closely enough.

[kheserthorpe]

Studies show most often the woman signals before guys make a move.

You know those guys who smile at you? That's a BIG move. More likely would be eye contact establishment. If you smile, they might move in.

[Asker]

Hmmm maybe I am. But for whatever reason, no guy ever comes up to me and starts a conversation like how they normally do to my sister/friends. Gotta find out their secret lol

[Asker]

Hey @kheserthorpe thanks for your input :) The issue with me is that I'm not insecure but I'm far from confident either. I'd spend some time dressing up, putting on makeup and feel great when I walk out the door but as soon as I go into a supermarket or a store I immediately feel like I'm not attractive in the slightest bit so I never really look at people in the eye. I just... Walk and go.

[needsanswers100]

I believe you are on to something with your statement that you have never meet a guy you have liked, this probably means that you also don't give off a lot of signs that you are at least attracted to the way they look. To get out of this mode you have to show flirty signs with guys that you don't necessarily have to like, doing this more and more will eventually make a flirty nature apart of your persona that guys will sense and you will get hit on more and more.

[Asker]

Oh my gosh that's so true, when I'm not interested I just have the "I don't care, I'm not attracted to you" face unless he's my guy friend :p Even IF he was unbelievably good-looking, I'd try and not show that I'm even physically attracted in the slightest bit because I've always thought hot guys knew they were hot and if I showed any interest they'd have an ego boost and be like "oh look that not-so-hot chick is checking me out cus I'M hot". Thanks SO much. You guys have been a ton of help! :)

[Anonymous]

i'm single.i don't have any girlfriend up till now,though people compliments me about my looks and tell me now and then that I should have a girlfriend and I can get any girl I want.. I don't believe in them because I'm not a player. but if I had one I would definitely prefer a girl like YOU.so, don't underestimate yourself buddy

be yourself and someone will come up eventually :)

good luck

[NewClassic]

You probably just are not noticed if you want a certain guy go after him

[Anonymous]

No nothing is wrong its the guys falut

[Anonymous]

Hit on guys life is so much easier w/o waiting