Why would he ask me on a date, and then cancel?

[Anonymous]

MY dilemma is this, I talked/ casually dated this guy for the past 6 months. We met online, and we got to hang out a few times, due to his work schedule, and my school schedule it made it nearly impossible for us to hangout. Long story short, I haven't hung out with him for about 2 months, last time we hung out we went to the movies. It was last minute. Anyways, we had plans to go out, but our plans always fell through, he got called into work (cop) and I understood, I never bitched at him cause I didn't feel the right to, and it's his job. Furthermore, we were suppose to hang out about 2 weeks ago, he asked me and I was like hell yeah we haven't hung out in like 2 months. Little to my surprise, he cancelled, he had cancelled before so I didn't let myself get too excited. He texted me the day of our date and told me he had some family issues and had flew out to Washington the night before and was gonna stay a week or so, all I said was OK, and he never answered, and I haven't heard from him since. And I'm just so mad, sad, and confused, my friends tell me well he must be married or have something serious on the side or whatever, we never slept together, we did nothing, I was always too nervous to even kiss him. So in a way I'm thinking well he probably found someone who puts out and got sick of me not anything. But what gets me mad is that he was the one to always make plans and then cancel. I haven't texted him, but lately feel like texting him. I don't know what to text so I don't. This always somehow happens to me, I meet a guy, we get along great, and then he disappears. Starting to feel like there's something wrong with me, but that's a whole different story. But would very appreciate if you could give me your most brutally honest opinion and advice.

[Taurus454]

First, there seems to be a difference in expectations between you two. You are expecting him to be more than he actually is right now and that is causing you some discomfort. Second, there is also a communication problem. You two have not communicated about your relationship. Specifically, what type of relationship are you in, what is expected of each of you, and other things that make relationships successful.

Finally, I would not get upset simply because you do not know the facts behind his actions. If you want this guy I suggest a simple approach. The nect time he calls, texts, or whatever, simply say you are really busy and have to go, tell him you will contact him later. Don't spend time talking to him and make any conversation as short as possible. Keep this up for one or two weeks. The length of time you make him wait for a real conversation is up to you and based on how you sense his reaction to you. When you have waited as long as you like, set up a date. Tell him it really hurts you when he cancels and ask him to keep his word this time. When you meet, schedule a dinner or some place you can have a chance to talk and discuss your relationship and expectations with him. This will set the stage for the future.

Hope this helps!

[Asker]

True..thanks! :)

[Claretica]

Why assume there's an ulterior motive?

He probably needed to cancel.

Also, don't define yourself or your sense of self worth from something entirely external from you.

That's silly.

[Anonymous]

Stop agreeing to hang out with him. He's had too many chances, he shouldn't be a priority. You can't believe everything he says because many of these are convenient lies. Basically he lined up more than one date at a time so he'll always have something or someone to do, and you're at the bottom of his list. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, except that you put yourself esteem in the hands of a guy based on his actions. Also if you are always the "sure thing" girl he knows he can fall back on, he will get bored with you. that goes for all guys. once you settle into that "oh I can call her last minute and hang out when I have nothing better to do" then he won't see you as someone worth keeping his schedule for and be excited to be around.

[Anonymous]

don't do anything he obviously had other women going on just find someone else you can do better

[Anonymous]

If he had to cancel, then just give him the benefit of the doubt that he's being honest with you.

[Asker]

Yeah I did the first 2 times he cancelled, but it's the 4th time, and haven't heard form him in 2 weeks..but thanks :)