How do you like my image choice? I am a fan of JW Waterhouse paintings, and couldn’t think of a better woman to depict than Flora from “Flora and the Zephyr” (1898), her story interpreted from the original ballet “Flore et Zéphire”. Her ability to find strength after having her rights taken away, yet remaining feminine and capable of being loving and devoted to her man is something I identify with when it comes to feminism.
To read about it, click: Flora and the Zephyr
Being a feminist, I spent years masking the term of how I felt about simply supporting women’s rights and opportunities. I wouldn’t tell people I’m a feminist. The connotation of the word has grown in to something ugly – something I needed to stop being afraid of and bring back the good of why I’m glad to actually be a feminist in the first place.
Here is what I am not:
- A man-hater. I’m married to a wonderful man, I have fantastic male friends and family, and have worked with and encountered some inspiring, decent men who think the way I do without labels. To simply hate a man because he’s a man is no more outrageous than being a racist. This is not my style.
- Defender of all women despite bad behaviour. I can dislike women, and do not co-sign their bullshit if what they do hurts others. Woman or not, if they are mean-spirited and go out of their way to sabotage, I have no use for them in my life and will even let them know it.
- Unattractive. I know I’m attractive. I’m 40 and still know how to yank heads back in my direction on the street. Just sayin'. To make it even more fun, I can flirt without losing my self-respect or be disrespectful to my husband. It’s an art-form I’m proud that women over 40 seem to get the hang of. ;)
- A leach to the men in my life. Just, no. I don’t borrow money, and I don’t live off my husband’s worth. I came in to our marriage as an independent person, and have made a legal agreement with my husband should something happen to our marriage, that we exit with the belongings we brought in to the marriage and divide what we acquired together. But.. this isn’t going to happen, so I’m good. My daddy never bought me a car, and I had lived most of my adult life alone without accepting help because I simply didn’t need it. My husband and I work together as partners, and we pool our money in one account, therefore when he needs money he uses it, and if I do, I use it. No questions or resentment, it just is, and neither of us takes advantage of it.
- Masculine. I’m not. I cook my husband’s and parents’ dinner and love to do it. I clean the house because I know how to get things done living independently so long, and don’t really care that it’s me doing it instead of him. My husband has his own duties around the house that I have nothing to do with either. I don't wish to be anything like a man, and I don't wish I could pee standing up. I dress with makeup and jewelry, wear pretty clothes, do my nails, dust on perfume talc. Make no mistake, I am truly feminine and do these things without thought or resentment.
There is no doubt the term feminism has been hijacked to be a platform for women who crave power and feel a sense of entitlement, using figurative demasculinization as a weapon instead of using positivity and problem solving to help women who are seriously being discriminated, hurt, or imprisoned for simply being a woman and doing things that men have traditionally had the freedoms to do (or physically have no connection to such as taking a woman's right away to have an abortion).
People are too hung up on petty social customs that etiquette has influenced in our lives that include chivalry, manners, and other social expectations that are seem so skewed in women’s favours. This is not what feminism is about. Feminism isn’t about how angry a woman is that a man opened a door for her. Feminism is about preventing and supporting the rights women, who are entitled to such things as equal pay for the same job, the right to feel safe (especially in her own home), the right to education, the right to choose what she does with her own body, the opportunity to work in a field of her choosing and to work in a safe harassment-free environment.
Those who are bitter about the some equality that had progressed to favouritism, citing that it has become unfair toward men with things such as women’s-only fitness centres, or how some court systems favour single mothers over single fathers, guess what? – I’m with you. I disagree that there should be such glaring favouritism when all the facts are there. But please know that women’s-only fitness is designed as a poor marketing technique to try and make a few bucks off of women who spend the household income, at the expense of men feeling excluded. I am on your side when it comes to these silly social rubrics that have seeped in to the system to make people believe they don’t have a say. This is about as bad as what real feminists fought against, and I encourage men and women to stand up to these things, just as I would encourage a woman to for the former things I mentioned, who feels her right is taken away from her.
I usually have some guidelines on what I think of the topic at hand in my myTakes, so I’ll do it here too, just because I think being positive and helpful is the most important thing about problem-solving, not counter-hate. Here we go…
Auntie Ozanne’s Guide to Being a Sexy Feminist
1. Stop bad mouthing men just because they are men. It is not wise to tar someone with the same brush if hurt came from one source hundreds of years ago, there is no sense in making an innocent man pay for something he had nothing to do with. The man you may treat badly could very well be a man that is just willing to help you.
2. Don’t be angry. Be strong. There is a difference. Know how to put words together that aren’t accusatory or bitter-sounding. Use humour, ask questions, be polite, listen effectively, choose your words based on fact. Most important, leave your personal feelings out of it. Someone who is baiting you wants you to erupt so they can prove that you are just angry. If this is not you, don’t allow them to have this power. If you need to stop a converstion feeling you will boil over, then do it. Better to walk away leaving someone with the memory that you needed to simply end the discussion by saying, "I could say more but I don't want to say something I'll regret or that misrepresents what I'm trying to convey," in order to regroup rather than finish an argument by being reactive and hurtful.
3. Be beautiful. If beautiful to you means doing your hair and makeup and loving how you look afterward, continue being a babe and don’t make any apology for it. If beautiful means going the natural look with a bright smile and knowing how to be friendly and good humoured, then keep it up. The beautiful things that make a woman special are what men and women both love about us, and shines through when we are confident we know we are presenting ourselves well.
4. Self-educate. Do some reading and know your stuff. If you research why you feel strongly about things, you’ll be better prepared when someone engages in discussion with you about it. Your confidence with what you know can’t be ignored. Remember that every word you say represents you as a feminist. It is so unsexy to hear the words “I don’t know” from someone. A thoughtful, respectful opinion makes someone interesting and easy to talk to, and in some cases, you could be opening up someone’s mind to something they didn’t know before. People who hate feminism are expecting that you are angry and don't know why. Politely inform and be open to learning from them as well. Try to understand where their anger comes from too, showing that you aren't a threat.
5. Be the example. If you support women’s freedoms, don’t be a bitch making a hate-group more inclined to feel that you deserve nothing. Think of how a bratty child behaves when they think just because they made their bed one day that they deserve an Xbox in their room. A child having a tantrum solves nothing and only reinforces that the parent made the right decision to not give them what they think they deserve. We are still young in our feminist movement, so we need to continue to show we are worthy of the respects that in some cases we have been denied. If a woman stomps her foot demanding a raise from her boss because she found out a man in the office makes more money for the same job for the same tenureship, think she’ll get it? Be the great employee who has tact and intelligence to prove you certainly do deserve equality in the workplace. (This exact example happened to me in 1995 in my broadcast career.)
6. Don’t threaten. Just do. As women, we are biologically wired to use our minds and words to fight for what we want, as the “weaker sex” we didn’t have the physical component to protect ourselves. Telling someone you will go to the police or human rights if something isn’t done your way is about as childish as it gets. Use your head and communicate first to find resolution. Then if nothing improves, simply take the next appropriate measures because that is what you choose to do. No need to threaten to achieve equality. Show the right strength to acquire support and be grateful when the support is given. (This example happened to me just recently in my previous workplace.)
7. Let sleeping dogs lie. Once a right has been wronged, drop it. Don’t keep bringing it up to someone who has stunted your self-worth.
8. Know the difference between manners and chivalry, from the assumption that your capability and independence is in question. “I can hold my own door open, thanks!” “This isn’t the 1800s, I can do it myself, you know.” This is when someone does not appreciate common courtesy. She is not representing feminism. She’s just being a bitch. Think about how you make yourself look or how you make feminism look when you don’t appreciate someone for a simple, kind gesture. If someone, man or woman, offers help, it's because they were raised right. Don't knock them, only to destroy what little common courtesy we have left in the world. Thank them, smile at them, and as you pass through the door, hold the edge for the person who opened it for you so can pass through also. Simple stuff, right? (Search online the history of how we actually came to practice these acts of kind gestures, it’s quite interesting.)
9. Let a man open that jar of pickles. Almost all people love to feel as though they’re needed and appreciated for something unique they can offer. If a woman can open a jar of pickles, great. But handing it to a man to open as a sign that she recognizes his masulinity or need to feel what I call "re-masculated", then do it. Men should be celebrated for their masculinity just as we expect to be celebrated for our feminity. After all, opening a jar of pickles isn’t the same as opening a can of worms.
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