Girls Do Like Nice Guys, Just Not All of Them

As a note, after writing my article, I came across a similar one called Nice Guys Finish Last by NMMan - you might consider this the female perspective on the matter.

The subject comes up a lot in questions here. Girls always say that they do like nice guys, but you still get guys saying that the girls are lying, or that guys are better off treating a girl like dirt. Why?!

I hate to break it to you guys, but you're not limited to either being nice or being a douche.
"Most girls end up with jerks because they started off as nice, decent guys and things changed."

Most girls end up with jerks because they started off as nice, decent guys and things changed. Some guys like that are also very good at preying on girls who think they can't do any better. No one deserves to be deceived or degraded in such a way, and I don't know why anyone would think a person could find that attractive. So, please stop encouraging guys to be douches, you're only furthering the widespread idea that men are pigs who can't be trusted.

If jerks are out, that leaves us with nice guys, right? Not exactly. Nice guys don't come in one variety; when it comes to relationships, I would say there are two types.

I'll start with the passive nice guy:

This is the nice guy that girls frequently pass up. He's always there for us when we need him, he's kind and treats us with respect, he might even try to help us with guy problems. What doesn't he do? Flirt with us, show us he's interested, or take advantage of an opportunity when we're single. He leaves the ball in our court at all times. He makes a great friend, but he'll always be just a friend unless he learns to take some initiative. Why? Because a guy like that will let you walk all over him, and that doesn't make for a healthy relationship.

The other type is the assertive nice guy:

He's as caring and respectful as the passive nice guy, but he doesn't help us with guy problems, he playfully says we should be with him. He makes sure we know he's interested before leaving the ball in our court. We don't have to worry about him treating us like dirt, or letting us walk all over him--we feel like his equal. While a guy who's a jerk might start off making us feel special, the assertive nice guy isn't just putting on an act for the time being. And unlike the passive nice guy, he can make us feel like we're important to him as more than just a friend. He's the ideal guy.

"The idea of experiencing new things with your significant other is appealing to most people, and "bad boys" offer that."

While I'm discussing nice guys vs. jerks, I'll touch upon the topic of "bad boys":

I don't consider them to be a separate type, and I don't think they're automatically grouped in with jerks either. Why do girls like these guys? Because they're bold and adventurous. The idea of experiencing new things with your significant other is appealing to most people, and "bad boys" offer that. But an assertive nice guy can easily be bold and adventurous, so don't assume that "bad" actually means the guy is corrupt or harmful to a girl the way a guy who shows no respect for her is.

I can't speak for all girls; this is simply my opinion. However, the next time a girl says she prefers nice guys, I highly suggest any non-believers take the aforementioned into consideration before calling her a liar.
Girls Do Like Nice Guys, Just Not All of Them
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Most Helpful Girl

  • Rarebird2012
    Amen!... I like a guy who is nice to me but not so to other girls. Shows he knows what he wants. I tried dating a nice guy I wouldn't normally date who was an undercover dirt bag. My fav nice guy moment was wen I was dancing with this guy and a totally hot girl started dancing really seductive with him trying to take him from me. Since I wasn't going to dance like that, with a stranger I started to walk away in defeat,lol and he grabbed me pushed her away and told me that he wanted me. I loved it.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Guy

  • ArtistBboy
    Great article hitting main points. My favorite and which applies to me is the "Good guys become jerks after a sour relationship"

    I was 110% giving to this girl and nice, but yet I was the assertive type... Then I guess I took on being a little more passive because it wasn't as "fresh" as a new relationship. After I went passive it seems that she started a series of cheating.

    Anyways, great article. Hopefully I can start taking initiative :)

    Best regards,

    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • TerranceMurphy
    This is very correct! I like how you split the nice guy into two categories! There are guys that can have a backbone, and be nice about it! For the guys that think always helping the girl you are interested in is the best way to win her, you are setting yourself up to be used and abused! Live for yourself, and get a little selfish every now and again...but don't be an ass about it! If the girl can get all she wants out of you up front, then she won't try to get any closer to you!
  • Cool-Relax
    Women can make the first move, and some do. But that wasn't the way things were in the past, and I think it's ingrained in a lot of people's minds that women should be more submissive. It takes time to change these things. It hasn't been that long since women assumed a more dominant role in society. As time goes on, I think we'll see an even greater change.
  • Xenesis24
    I gotcha on this one Cool-Relax...but why is it if, in this ever-changing society where women are seen as equal as men...why can't they make the first move sometimes,....i mean variety is the spice of life....y must men always have to make the first move ...or worst yet, throw their hearts into a lions den?...And who made that a law/rule in dating ( that men shud make the first move) me its just stupid and pointless and makes things so unnecessarily complicated.
  • quantumdefender
    The only question I have is, why women are so damn lazy that they can't be the ones to "make a move?

    in the age where men can be sued, fired, or arrested if a woman says "sexual harassment" women need to step up and be the "assertive woman"

    NO woman is worth going to court for!
  • tex151
    Ok so your saying both nice guys don't get the girl while the bad boys do. How is that not nice guys finish last take for example the first nice guy, well he's basically your gay friend, has no guts or balls to ask you out on a date. The second nice guy he has guts to hint he might like you, but yet has no balls to acutally ask you on a date.

    Meanwhile the jerk or bad boy have the balls to ask you on a date, don't get walked on by you always ends up with a girl. So why is it good to be a nice?
  • That-Guy
    That's what I was trying to say which was to highlight that guys become jerks overtime (if the relationship went sour) in the same way guys call a girl a whore/slut or psycho. They are just labeled jerks innately, guys mis interpret it as "oh, why does she like jerks then?"

    That was the point I liked.
  • Cool-Relax
    Only if they take what I said out of context the way you did. I said, "Most girls end up with jerks because they started off as nice, decent guys and things changed," meaning that they were decent guys when the relationship started, and over the course of the relationship, they became jerks. I didn't say that they became jerks when they were single, and girls suddenly became attracted to them.
  • dasouthernicon
    I would say that since guys are often a mix of everything, that the girl doesn't really know what she's getting into in a relationship most of the time. People are not just one type-women aren't just sluts, or whatever.. they have lotsa traits that they've picked up along the way... It's silly to say what most people say when they hear women say 'they want a nice guy'... just look at what the chick says and/or does... then you'll get the meaning of it. Women want MEN, not some little pussbag...
  • Cool-Relax
    That's exactly the point--you miss opportunities when you're too passive. I think a lot of guys in that position are quick to blame women for their shortcomings in relationships rather than reflecting upon their own behavior. It might be easier to play the victim than it is to make a change, but that doesn't leave you any happier.

    And the female response was necessary; it's a topic that should be covered by both genders :]
  • NMMan
    Women want men to be just that, men - to be decisive, be caring guys who make them feel special, and above all, not to be intimidated or afraid to make any of that happen. I was the "passive" guy who missed many opportunities due to fear through my late teens, until I woke up one day and the error of my ways dawned on me. My transformation into being the "assertive" guy began 5 years ago, and things in my dating life have markedly improved since then. Thanks for the response also, C-R. 8-)
  • Cool-Relax
    Friends care in that way. If I know a guy is interested in me, I'm not going to go to him for advice on another guy. It seems cruel to do that. Unless a guy makes it more obvious that he's interested, the girl isn't going to read his mind, and she isn't going to know that he's looking for more. You don't have to say, "Hey, let's f***," to make your interest known.

    That gets more into it.
  • Cool-Relax
    The fact that you used the word "proved" in regards to psychology is enough to make what you said irrelevant. I'll continue anyway though.

    Are you aware that studies show women are more attracted to dark traits in men *when they're ovulating* but prefer more caring, nurturing men the rest of the month?

    You're right, it's not up for debate because you're missing some important info. Go troll on someone else's articles.
  • Blobb
    Eh! True. Whatever the term is nice guy bad boy yadayadayada. It boils down to this: a respectful, loving, caring person, who is also confident and assertive and has a taste for experiencing life to the fullest is what they want. There you go.

    Nice as refferred to by "nice guys finish last" is more like lame. Lame ass dude. Because that's what it is. It's a guy who is scared of what he wants or doesn't think highly of himself enough to be assertive. That can be remedied, thankfully.
  • AdamBH
    I think it's really sad, this whole nice guy thing. I think a lot of bitter men use it as an excuse to be jerks, and I also think that a lot of people use it to make MONEY. HELLO?! Look at all these adds on this website targeted at insecure nice guys. I don't have a problem with adds, but come on, this site is supposed to help us not reduce us into insecure snivelling boys who are willing to pay for that product about how to be less nice.
  • aft18
    I completely agree! One guy who I used to like was a very passive nice guy, so I stopped talking to him and he was extremely upset. He later asked me if nice guys finish last. I told him it depends, there is nice and there is too nice (or assertive nice and passive nice). He then finally figured out he was too nice and understood why. I'm so glad I told him that so he would understand why it wouldn't work and hopefully he'll tell other guys as well.
  • VestEer
    I think you forgot the self-conscious nice guy. He moves in between the passive and assertive types and is usually the one that asks "How do you act nice?". The type that does something nice, then automatically expects something nice be done in return. Verbally, he's passive. Physically, he's assertive. He may seem nice when he talks, but his body language will be completely different.
  • Cool-Relax
    Who ever said that it was complicated? lol

    You bring up a good point when you mention motive. I didn't specifically discuss that in my article, but a guy helping a girl out because he wants to get her attention isn't the same as helping her because he genuinely cares about her. One definitely comes across as more manipulative than the other, which hardly seems like something that a "nice" guy should do.
  • Mesonfielde
    But of course, most often girls are looking for guys who are nice, but are assertive themselves. But this assertivity is not about telling her that he likes her, it's about being a person and being genuinely altruistic, if he helps out with something. He doesn't do it for acceptance, he does it because he feels like it. It's all about the motive.. or at least that's what I think at this current moment.

    Point is, passive guys are generally unattractive. Case closed. xD
  • Mesonfielde
    It took me 6 months to come back and realize how ignorant I used to be. It's actually a lot easier than all of this "passive assertive deceptive fake friend" equation. It's really basic.

    The girl can ask the guy for help about another guy, because she's completely uninterested in getting together. It's not about whether he makes an approach or shows interest... It's about him being technically unattractive in general.

    They're just friends, because the girl wouldn't want to be more than that :P
  • Mesonfielde
    The only thing I don't understand is: If it's obvious that a guy helps a girl out with "guy problems" because he's interested and he likes the girl, why is it a problem for the girl to have the ball in her court? She is supposed to be like "he's nice and he always helps me and is so reliable, I should be with him because I can trust him" but noooo. That's not how it goes. The question is, so we aren't supposed to listen to a girl's guy problems and help her, but tell her "you should be with me"?
  • That-Guy
    I like the fact that you pointed out "jerks started out nice." Then after girls say "why do I always go out with jerks?" Which sends a message to the lonely nice guy that he needs to be a jerk.

    good job.
  • Cool-Relax
    Haha, I love the last line there.

    That's a good way of putting it though--people aren't just one type. It's true for everything. No one fits into one category since there are so many different things that make up who we are as individuals.
  • BunnyToast
    This is very true, actually. I have both assertive and passive nice guy friends I can definitely say that if a guy doesn't show interest, I won't even consider him myself. So those passive guys... just wait around forever and ever.
  • VALEN_tine_ANGEL
    i was a good person. but I was too nice and always did what people told. both were the same, males and females, all they did was taking benefit from me, and blamed me because I was too easy. so I tried to be more assertive and build my own leadership behavior. now I am not too easy anymore.

    if you are in that condition, I can't blame you but you have to change. being nice and devout is good but being nice and rational is better. thus, we can be a good person without being enslaved.
  • VALEN_tine_ANGEL
    girls just don't like guys who are less masculine than them. that is why males were not born to be submissive. no matter how gentle or good we are, we can never be attractive if we dedicate ourselves as a too-good person who always lets anyone else win to us. we should be good to each other. but don't let anyone take benefit from our kindness.

    i know many good guys who have good relationships and marriages with women. of course those guys are not losers who would like to be enslaved anytime.
  • rotarymoon
    There are Good and Bad people. Attractive qualities mostly are neither bad or good...something like jewelery or bling. Whoever sports the most wins or well is the most attractive one.

    I mean how many women here would not want to f*** Spartacus? or Crixus? and they are doing some Good in the show.
  • Cool-Relax
    No, that's not how it goes, because a guy in that situation isn't giving the impression that he likes the girl, he's helping her with another guy. She's going to see a guy like that as a friend since he isn't showing interest.
  • DrJones
    People use the word "nice" to mean a variety of things, which causes lots of confusion for anyone talking about "nice guys." Kudos for noticing this and explaining it clearly!
  • Cool-Relax
    I never said that women can't make the first move; that's not the issue I was addressing. Regardless of who makes the first move, most women don't want a pushover.
  • Cool-Relax
    Who said the second guy doesn't have the balls to ask a girl out?

    If you want to be a douche, go ahead, but there are a lot of girls who you won't appeal to.
  • Mesonfielde
    But.. that's why he cares enough to be willing to help in the first place... oO

    But of course, his interest is not that blatantly obvious, because he's not saying "hey, let's F---".
  • Kauto_Star
    When a woman dicusess negative issues with her relationship to another. She may not realize how misleading and disempowering it is. The man will construe it as a "tip" of what not to do, that aid him in success. When really it isn't worth a ha-penny. Then the WAY some women rejects some men are at a loss how to talk to ANY woman. As a result you'll find angry hetrosexual men who hate, resent women. Informative, clear and honest is your essay.
  • Kauto_Star
    Then you get the situation where a woman flirts with a man (she considers to be an imbecile) coming out with lies like how interested me. Why approach me if you don't like me. Are you aware how trouble a man can get himself into if he talks to woman. Harassment, eye "rape" or if he went to went to woman said he'd love to screw her are three examples. You see men are told things that he would construe as the "correct" way to get a girlfriend and they don't work.
  • Kauto_Star
    The reason why these guys say that women are bad-minded, liars, hypocrtites and coniving. Is because they've been LIED TO and MISLED. For example the men get told things "Women don't like sex". "men are perverts" "I've got a boyfriend" time and time again. Get treated like it's a 'sin' to talk to or have an attraction to woman. Also the ambiguous things that some women come with like one I heard recently "I love attention, but I don't being approached". What does that mean? Clarification please!
  • Kauto_Star
    Thanks for article. Was this difficult for you to write. I've gone many years asking this question even before the Internet was around. what I got as answers, "I don't know", sarcastic put downs, and silence. Thanks again for steering in the write direction.
  • Cool-Relax
    I was expecting some negative feedback when I wrote this, but that hasn't been the case so far.

    Thank you everyone! :]
  • blufrenzy93

    you hit the nail right on the head.

    i completely agree with the two types of nice guys.

    i want an assertive guy, not a push over.
  • whoblitzell
    Are you aware British psychologists actually proved women are more attracted to men with dark psychological traits such as narcissism, thrill seeking (reckless disregard for others property) and pathological lying. Its not up for debate, it's medical fact women compete for men that show them no attention.
  • rwdude11
    Cool Relax, I have a small website of my own that helps guys out with girls. This is very well written article. On how nice guys can become assertive nice guy you call them. With Your permission I would like to post this on my website. I think it is a very well written and could help a lot of my site visitors. Thanks you can message me on here or at, Thanks alot
  • KittenMittens
    Summed up my taste in guys with the bad boy/assertive nice guy. :)
  • Cool-Relax
    Oh, sorry, I guess I'm the one who took what you said out of context lol
  • VestEer
    Woops, - but other than that, spot on description of those 2 types.
  • Kauto_Star
    Corrected typos to my comments:

    1. Was it difficult for you to write this article? (punctuation)

    2. Thanks again for steering us guys in the RIGHT direction. (spelling and grammar)
  • FirstLastOnly
    All right, we're taking overly simplified psychological studies as absolute truths again! Awesome.

    Narcisissm = An extreme form of confidence.

    Reckless behavior = An extreme form of being adventerous.

    Pathological lying = An extreme form of charisma, or at least that's what's required.

    Did it go into whether or not these traits were conducive to long term relationships? Because we could just say it's fine for women to be vapid as long as they're hot in that case, since instant attraction is

  • zerotosurvive
    Omg yes. EXACTLY.

    thank you!!

    and dudes. listen seriously. the truths here.

    and great job with the article (:
  • Cool-Relax
    You're welcome :P
  • Nekuya
    THANK YOU. Finally, someone understands.
  • Standingpretty
    Wow, this sums it up perfectly.
  • drummerdude25
    I think this will help me a lot...

    Good article.
  • Cool-Relax
    ...was that sarcasm?