Programmed to Reject – Just a Random Thought

[RJGraveyTrain]

Just the other day I was stopped by a gentleman outside of the mall. He simply said “hi” to me, and passively I said hello back, not intending to stay to talk to him. However, he stopped me and asked me about my day. I was polite and responded it was well before returning the question. He stated he was the same and proceeded to politely ask me if it was too forward of him to ask for my number, because he found me very beautiful. Without even hesitating, I said that I had a boyfriend; but that I appreciated his compliment and we parted ways after shaking hands.

I paused for a moment afterwards and asked myself WHY I didn’t give him my number.

He was a nice looking guy, he did everything right and was perfectly polite and flattering, yet my automatic response was to refuse him. Why? Over dinner I really pondered the question, and I tried to tell myself he wasn’t my type. But then again he gave me no reason to assume that, so what was the real reason?

The real reason I believe is because I am programmed to reject people.

That sounds extreme but let me explain: I know from personal experience that giving out my number to someone I don’t know is gamble, even before I made the mistake of doing so. I was raised to not trust in men’s intentions, as not everybody made these intentions clear so not to scare a girl off. It was later supported after I had awful experiences when I had given in and given a guy I had met my number. Very quickly the conversations became about sex and in one case even prolonged harassment, leaving a bad taste in my mouth in regards to trusting men who ask me for my number when I’ve only just met them.

It’s true, a lot of women will reject you based on bad experiences that have nothing to do with you, but rather experiences they had in the past, along with their upbringing. There has always been the “Make him work for it” consensus and it’s been around for a long time, something I had been taught as a young girl growing up. Then of course there is the long years of weeding through the cheesy pickup lines, the attempted bar hookups, Tinder messages, and so on. You have to mass-reject to get to the one you want, and even then you might not even recognize him by the time you get there because your rejection-trigger is itchy as hell.

So here’s why I think I am personally almost programmed to reject people who cold approach: Upbringing, bad experience, continuous rejecting throughout life to find a suitable partner. That’s it. I would say the most powerful influence is definitely not knowing a guy’s intentions along with bad experiences, as it has made me wary over the years. I find myself wondering now how many opportunities I have missed out on by rejecting a guy right from the get go, based solely on a lack of trust.

That’s all I have to say on the subject. This was literally a very random thought that I just felt like sharing with you all. Feel free to add to it if you have any opinions in the threads below.

[Anonymous]

Yep, experienced guys know that about girls and plan it into their approach.

So when you said "he did everything right" ... no, he didn't. He moved too fast and said the wrong things.

As soon as you showed willingness to talk, he should have slowed down, delayed asking you out for about 3-5 minutes, just to build a touch more rapport. Then he should have asked if you wanted to grab a coffee and talk sometime. If you said yes to that, THEN and only then should he have asked for your number...

And all that without saying you're pretty. If he wanted to compliment your hat, or your scarf or shoes, or whatever, that's fine -- pick something specific, and compliment the girl's *tastes* regarding that item... NOT her body or appearance.

But anyway, you show a remarkable level of self-awareness. You are absolutely correct, other than what I commented upon.

[RJGraveyTrain]

That's really interesting. Thanks for this.

[Opinion Owner]

No problem. I've noticed a few of your myTakes, they're usually pretty good, so I enjoyed reading.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Oh good! I'm glad you've liked them, thank you.

[Octavius]

If I may ask; what would you say is the best way to go about approaching you for guys that do in fact see you as more than just something for them to stick their dick in? How can they at least get their foot in the door? Cause I'm sure you're not the only girl in the world that feels the way you feel. And honestly it does kind of suck that this is how a lot of the world works because I feel good people guys and girls suffer the most from all these bad experiences and the shitty abusive people continue to thrive.

[RJGraveyTrain]

I respond best to guys who are straight up and/or creative. If a guy comes up to me and says something along the lines of: "Excuse me, I know this may be a bit forward, but I've seen you around before and you're very beautiful, and I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm ____, can I ask your name?"

This is sweet as hell, it's straight up, and throwing in the "I've seen you around before" makes it seem like you put more thought into it.

[KDA20]

Interesting take - I wonder how guys would react if roles reversed - I never had the expierence of asking for or giving my number to a stranger, anyone I have got together with I had known or met through a mutual friend but I say I might be a challenge because I have tried dating sites and they might go after a couple of emails lets meet to which I usually go "Hang on lets get to know each other slowly first", it seems to die a death after that.
I don't think it is a physical fear for me more a social fear, I want to be sure we get on, I think I told you before I couldn't small talk my way out of a wet paper bag so awkward siliences would kill me.
Back to your case I think it is definitely a case of bad experience staying with you and it is probably ingrained at this stage by now. I would encourage the slowly slowly approach and if you were my sister or daughter, I am not too sure how I would react if you came home to say you gave some random your number.

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of on the other side here: conditioned to believe that any effort to talk to a female will have them thinking I'm there to rape them.

Far from the fucking truth, obviously.

Despite getting checked out by females on a regular basis, nowadays I just look.

[RJGraveyTrain]

That's really unfortunate.

[jacquesvol]

Not *that* far from the fucking truth
www.cdc.gov/.../SV-DataSheet-a.pdf One in 5 women...
another source: https://rainn.org/statistics

[Anonymous]

... Well fuck.

Also, why is it that people still worry about giving out numbers? If people had any sense they'd get Kik or something like that and just talk to people on there. No one has your number, you can block people, it's free, it doesn't use up texts if you have a limited number of them. People saying they're nervous about giving out their number to strangers don't make sense in this day and age.

[jacquesvol]

"programmed to reject people"
I'd rather say "programmed to reject unknown men".
If a woman your age or younger had started to talk you might have reacted in a completely other way.

[RJGraveyTrain]

That is a fair point.

[Bluemax]

I might have titled this, "Programed to be Prudent. "

[RJGraveyTrain]

Lol.

[jjfrancis]

haha well thats rough! :P who knows, out of all the times i have been rejected, how many of them were due to circumstances like yours? im going to think of this every time i approach a girl now hahaha

[RJGraveyTrain]

It could very well be it, who knows?

[jjfrancis]

your vary pretty by the way :)

[RJGraveyTrain]

Thank you.

[jacquesvol]

A not so small minority of men spoiled it for everyone.

[jjmarvin]

Good take. I personally find cold approaching kind of awkward and tired lol. I just meet people and go from there. I like to know people first.