Jealousy, Depression, and Low Self Esteem

[Anonymous]

I wrote this to see if there are people who have been through the same or something similar...

I am 19 years old this year, I have been manipulated and controlled for most of my life. By exes who used me and then threw me away, by my own family.. My self esteem is so low that I get really jealous of pretty women.

Victoria Justice and Alexandra Stan (pictured above) aren't models but I am jealous of their looks.

I was never invited to prom or any events and my life was mostly spent alone. Always feeling abandoned and lost. Depression became strong as I gained weight. I became very suicidal and weak. I began to fail classes and lose my concentration. My exes manipulated me into playing their games (one going as far as to rape me and then play it off). My parents got stronger into trying to control me and I just wanting to escape.

Right now, I am 19 and in college while working. I feel extremely unmotivated. Alone and depressed. I feel ugly. Hideous even though I was told I wasn't, I can't see my own beauty. I despise my own existence and have tried to end my life before just to be free and happy. I can't even finish anything because I just feel worthless. In my job I am so unmotivated (fast food) and my customers are terrible. I work and live in an enviroment FILLED with drugs and often feel the impulse to do them but have self control for now. I dont know how long though. I am scared of falling apart yet I know it will eventually happen.

I honestly dont know how to escape this rut. If you are reading this and have experienced the same than know that you are not alone and if I could help you I would. The only advice I can offer is not to give up. No matter how hard it gets.

If you are reading this than sorry if I sound like I am ranting, as it probably is a rant.

[joeb73]

the day you give in to the feelings other put you threw is the day they win in controlling you. by what you have said you seem like a stong person who just wants to survive. the only person who can take your happiness a way is you. all others can do is make it harder for you. when i was your age i felt the same way you do. even after i thought i found the one that would make me happy it has not turned out that way. there is a song i found when i was a little younger than you that changed my out look and helped me fight threw the dark times when i felt everyone was against me. here is the song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejihzALlriE

[myTake Owner]

Thank you so much. I never met someone in my same position. I will listen to the song