Having low self-esteem sucks, and let's face it, a lot of people do. But when it is so bad that it causes you to constantly critique yourself, compare yourself to others, and force your partner to reassure your looks more than he should, its a problem.
I used to be quite overweight, but I was happy with who I was so it never bothered me. Once sophomore year of highschool came around, I started to feel more self conscious about my appearance and wanted to change things. In a little over a summer, I managed to lose 50 pounds and was in the best shape of my life. The problem was that since I was always the bigger kid, I still saw myself as bigger than I was. Ever since losing weight, I have never been very confident in my appearance. I would find things that I wanted to improve or "could be better" no matter how many times people told me I looked great. It never turned into an issue until late Senior year of highschool when I got an eating disorder. I began the habit of eating until I was stuffed, and forcing myself to throw up. This disorder is commonly known as bulimia. I managed to stop this awful habit, but my constant worries about my appearance never left, in fact they got worse.
Now, about to begin my Junior year of college, my self image issues are worse than ever. I am in the best shape of my life, and I know that. I work out at least 5 times a week and I eat as healthily as I can. The one problem I have, although I do think im attractive, is that for some reason I can't be happy unless I think Im the most attractive. I have this strive for perfection, which is sad and unachievable. The way I see myself changes every hour; I can think I look great one minute and then the next im almost in tears about how awful I feel about myself. All of this has caused me to become and extremely jealous person. This jealousy has made me act like a mean and judgmental person when im naturally very kind and accepting. I hate the way I am when i'm jealous and I know my boyfriend does too.
Most women want a man who won't look at any other women, but lets face it, 99% of men just dont have the self control to do that. (And yes i know women look at other men too.) The honeymoon phase in my relationship just recently ended, and it opened my eyes to some of the things my boyfriend does that I dont particularly like. For example, we were on vacation in cabo san lucas a couple weeks ago, and while we were laying out by the pool, I looked over at my boyfriend to notice him staring at another women in a bikini. And this wasn't a glance, it was a full on stare. This was the first time I've ever caught him staring at anyone and the jealousy was so overwhelming that I stood up and whipped him in the leg with the towel I had left over from lunch. This was so unlike me, because I never imagined myself ever getting physical with an SO, but my jealousy is so out of control. I know it didn't really hurt him, and my intent wasn't to hurt him, but my action was still wrong. Later that day I talked to him about it, and he said he would try his best not to do it again, but it didn't seem to stop. After that first time catching him, I couldnt stop catching him looking at other women. This made me furious, and I told him he was a dog, a typical man, and all sorts of names that I know I shouldn't have. Ever since that vacation, I can't stop thinking about him looking at other women, and I have reminded him of it many times.
After doing some research and some major thinking, I've realized that yes, he is partly in the wrong, but I am the one who is mainly in the wrong. I need to work on myself more than he does. If I was more confident in myself, I wouldn't feel so hurt by him looking at other women. I know he doesn't do it to hurt me, and I know he wouldn't do more than look, but my own insecurities and jealousy are so strong that I have a very hard time not getting upset. I have realized that I need to just accept that it is going to happen, and there's nothing I can do to change it. I need to become confident enough in myself to think "yeah he may be looking at that other girl but im more attractive and he is with me, not her" or even if she is more attractive than me, just accept it and move on. Confidence is extremely attractive, and I need to remind myself that if he looks at another women and I dont react poorly or even agree that she's attractive, he will see me in a better light than if I got upset. Hope you enjoyed my story.
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