Laurie's Exhaustive Guide to Ghosting!

[laurieluvsit]

WHAT is Ghosting?

"The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication".

WHO will Ghost you?

It could be anyone, but most often it is a Significant Other, like a boyfriend, girlfriend or just a friend, when suddenly, and out of the blue, you just no longer exist ...like ...

What's that all about? Or, What just happened?

Hey, things happen, right? But still the question lingers ...

Why did I get ghosted?

He, or she, has decided they don't want to be your friend, partner, soul mate, significant other, friends with benefits, or any number of other relationships you may have with them.

But, really ...WHY?

Well it could be a fight or disagreement that you were in, or a feeling of being trapped in a relationship that has overcome them with a feeling of insecurity, or of being smothered. For some it could be the tiniest thing that makes them withdraw.

Do they have Bipolar Disorder? ...if so, that could do it in a heartbeat!

What does Ghosting consist of? ...how does it work?

They will cut off all communication with you. They will block you, un-friend you, delete you, ignore you, take you out of their contact list on their phone and email list. And if it is serious enough, they may even change their cell number to prevent you from leaving voice messages and texting them.

You have just got to hear Sister Sparrow's song about ghosting her boyfriend, it is great! ...I'M NOT KIDDING! ...

What can you do about Ghosting?

Well, if they are completely disappearing and removing all methods of contact it is best to remain silent yourself. If you are not aware of the reason and it startles you that they would do such a thing, then maybe ask around to mutual friends and see what they may know about it.

Many times it results from stress or a possible illness, including some form of psychological trauma that could have caused them to take such drastic action.

Wait for them to settle down and see if they will show back up in your life again. If you were good to them and they were a good friend, all should end up well in the long run.

If, on the other hand, you were not such a good friend to them then maybe you have lost them and it is time for you to re-evaluate how you are treating people. Ask others for advise on how you can better yourself and your understanding of others.

Always be kind and caring to those around you and you will succeed where others have failed.

To learn even more about the psychology of Ghosting, read this excellent article on it from "Psychology Today" ...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

Now to all my GHOST friends on GAG ...please remember to "RE-APPEAR" for my next myTake! ...PLEASE? ...lol

[TarrAva]

I am lucky so far to belong to the category of "23% of women who have not experienced ghosting". But this status is solely of my own fault and I cannot blame others for not ghosting me.

The reason is that I am not very active socially and have not IG/FB and other social media apps on my phone. I am such a retrograde person (!) that I don't even know my own cell phone number by heart and had to write it down.

I had my cell phone stolen (or lost) twice, so I refrain from putting any contacts on my cell. Thus I am like in a protective cocoon from ghosting. I use my cell solely for making phone calls and occasionally texting to a very selective number of friends. Those, until now, did not find it necessary to ghost me. Perhaps I am not interesting enough to them, who knows.

However, I can imagine that the person being ghosted from one minute to the other must wonder what the reasons behind this sudden silence is. Usually, communication is a two-way street.

People are being so impatient nowadays that if one does not answer a text within minutes, the other assumes there is a lack of interest. It is a malady of our epoch that everything must be instantaneous.

I am a procrastinator and I would surely be ghosted by everybody on my contact list for failing to reply in due time.

What is the remedy? Patience is a virtue and to reply to a text or voice message is just plain courtesy.

I am the wrong person to give advice on the proper etiquette because I am myself not very reliable when it comes to putting in practice what I preach.

And by the way, this is a very nice and very well phrased myTake that deserves a lot of replies. Another job well done Laurie!

[laurieluvsit]

Thank you Ava, that means a lot!

Every day you get sweeter... I am afraid that soon the Honey Bees are going to take you away! ... lol

[TarrAva]

don't you worry. I'll fill my pockets with stones and they won't be able to fly away ;-)

You deserve all the credit because you really, really do an excellent job at keeping the quality at a very high level

[TarrAva]

Once again Laurie, thanks for the MHO for this wonderful and ghostly question.

I really, really start to feel bad for taking so many of your MHO's away from other and better qualified people.

Have a great day and upcoming week-end ;-)

[Gothd011]

I 've been ghosted before or is it the other way around?
Some times the breakdown in communications is the biggest thing.
Unfortunately, every guy that I ever ghosted or again is it the other way around lol.
( if you show any sign of hesitation I back off quickly and leave you be.)

Every single one comes back... of course by then I totally forgot why I even like them.

And they tell me they miss my dry sense of humor and my creepy go lucky darkness. Most of them I can't remember a thing about.
*shrug* In my mind how the hell did you miss me? That stupid. you decide to leave (and again was it the other way around?) SO you call me 6 months down the road to profuse your unstable love and longings?

If you get ghosted. Then it just means it wasn't meant to be and move on. Why would you even bother missing someone who had no problem cutting you off?

I guess im just cold...

[laurieluvsit]

Well, when you "Ghost" someone, it is you disappearing on them :)

So now that we resolved the simpler stuff, let's contemplate your "cut off" nature.

... well, that is neither good, nor bad, it is just the way some of us deal with relationships and even stress, emotional pain of the present or the past, or ways to avoid it.

Without knowing a lot more, it is hard to access the reasoning for you in particular, not that you are asking me too... lol.

But much of the time it is due to not wanting to get hurt. In order to avoid it, we do not really open ourselves up and surrender our heart to anyone, we instead prefer to stay in our cocoon and protect our heart from all challengers attempting to obtain it from us. We do not want it out of our protective care where we are sure it is safe... make sense?

Well, anyway, that is my free philosophical mind reading interpretations for the evening... lol

Thank you for your kind reply to my post Ms Goth :)

[Gothd011]

Haven't has been around here long but I love your style and reads dear, Laurie!

I think I have just become so mechanical in my reactions. If that makes sense. Im am also a control freak and if 2+2 doesn't equal 4 I can't compute.

I would love to be able to say I haw I feel but after i "thunk" it to death I always just decide to bury it. My life is more comfortable and stable and would like to work on more of my humanity but mattes of the heart are like foreign languages to me.

[laurieluvsit]

Yes, being mechanical and needing control are both signs that you are being very protective of yourself. Nothing wrong with that for now, but explore what is the root cause and what you are trying to protect yourself from the most and why.

At some point you have to expose your heart in order to bond it with someone else's you may want to love and that means taking a risk. Keep it in mind. Check them out closely, get in a good fight or 2 in order to see who they really are. Then when they have proven their sincerity, you must let them in in order to prove yours.

Just ignore me if you like, most do... but I mean well :)

Anyway, thank you so much for your kind comments Ms Goth :)

It is easy to tell there is a sweet heart behind the barrier you say is there. All will turn out well when you find those that you can really trust and put the key in the lock and let them in :)

[Gothd011]

This makes sense! thanks!

[laurieluvsit]

Your welcome :)

[Lightning8]

Let's say you're reading a good page turning book, in which you're quite engrossed. But someone walks by and interrupts your reading by taking the book out from your hands. Would you shug this off?

Generally that would feel quite jarring, rude, and even frieghtening at least in the moment.

That's what being ghosted can feel like.

[Manab]

became friends with a girl some months ago , I did everything to protect our friendship , helped her so many times for different aspects , be it study or medical emergency... She was in a grave danger one month ago I was there during the whole and solved almost every thing. After that she left me , she don’t want to meet me anymore. Last time she told me she don’t know the reason. People who think may be I had expected more than friendship , I had never touched her... and only consider her as a friend. Have checked her Instagram she is quiet happy. While I am here lonely.
Its not the first time I have faced this situation 2-3 times in my Life
So being kind is not the solution

[laurieluvsit]

This sounds like a classic case of Bipolar Disorder.

A person who has it goes from extreme happiness to extreme despair and then back again and many times avoid any serious relationships or duck out of them out of nowhere.

If that is the case, don't blame yourself, you are not responsible for this. You are still young and the right girl is there for you to seek out :)

[Manab]

May be you are right 😔, but when you cook for someone multiple times, help them in studies , and every other aspect of life and still they left , it hurts a lot. I am quiet shy and don’t have much friends. She was my first friend as a girl 😔

[laurieluvsit]

I know but you are describing a person with Bipolar perfectly.

Study it and you will see. It may help you deal with what happened to you better.

It will help you to understand that your feelings of sorry should be more for her then it now is for yourself.

[laurieluvsit]

Sorrow, not sorry

[Manab]

Yes she has too much mood swings and sudden unhappiness and unhappiness and symptoms of adhd , that’s why I wanted to help her more and in that process I was also getting some company. Most people don’t want my company because of jealousy. I am extremely intelligent ( not arrogent ) , have eidetic memory (sometimes I wish to forget but I can’t ) , speaks 5 languages , plays violin , do cooking , gardening in free time. So people get very intemadated very easily so it’s hard to make even friends, and love , that I don’t even expect now

[lightbulb27]

You are rising up my ranks of most favored GAGers... great take. I think there is a lot more to this. Isn't the bottom line... ettiquette?

youve inspired me to write a take on how to deal with this issue.

What do you think is causing this issue... seems much worse today than ever before. maybe you are too young to have context?

[laurieluvsit]

It is just due to social media itself I think.

It has become too easy to turn someone on and off in your life with the press of a button.

I know that's a simplified answer but I believe is the root cause.

We do not have as much personal social interaction any more, even with those we know personally face to face.

Now you can do your question or myTake and give us the much needed detail.

And thank you for your kind compliments Mr LB! :)

[lightbulb27]

I agree social media is part of it.
We used to have this person called Mrs Manners... she'd explain how to do things the right way. That is missing I think in society. But there are emotional reactions involved in all of this, and flippant relationships. such a social mess...

Great article you posted there... the human emotional aspect of it. It's probably one of the greatest social ills that can be fixed. Maybe this is a really good dating questio... have you ever ghosted someone... what would you do differently. And lay down the rules for breakup and ending and sign in blood, or drink Margarita... whichever...

[laurieluvsit]

No, the only one I would ever ghost would be some sort of stalker.

I think your idea about going into the etiquette aspect of this and other social interactions though is a good one :)

[young_old_soul]

Ghosting is by far the most frustrating thing about dating. Especially among millennals. I would say that more than 95% of all rejections nowadays are by ghosting. It's very cowardly and honestly it is the most cruel, because you leave the other person hanging and guessing what happened. Especially with dating apps and texting, I feel that girls are more guilty of it than guys. The "guys must always make the first move" thing combined with rampant ghosting is why a lot of guys (like me) have serious confidence issues.

[laurieluvsit]

You are so right!

... well said and GREAT REPLY Mr YOS :)

[Finchie40]

Ghosting someone is a selfish act whether it is mental illness or whatever that caused it , Nowadays there is so many different terms excuses for things that people do to others why people today just need to focus on themselves and do whats best for. yourself , we can only love the way we want to be loved uf that person chooses to walk away just let them go life is to short to waste time and energy on someone that doesn't love you the same we don't force someone to love us all we. can do is guide them. If something is wrong. in a relationship you fix it , if the other person doesn't want to then say bye bye tp them

[DeeDeeDeVour]

I think ghosting is cowardice. "Step up to the plate and face 'em!" How about giving that soon-to-be-eliminated person closure instead? For example, "I don't want you in my life anymore because you've disappointed me." Or, indirectly through a mutual friend, with "Please ask your friend to keep his/her distance from me because I don't wanna have anything to do with him/her."

[laurieluvsit]

Yes, good advice! :)

[winterfox10]

Some times you try to be clear with the person and they just keep not getting the message. I've had to ghost a couple of people who were extremely toxic who would just keep pushing, and pushing, and pushing. I had to ghost just to keep sane. I hated doing it, but when you've tried everything else; it feels like the only way out.

[WildChild31]

I have done, I don't what you in my life anymore thing. Yet, this guy I met online has taken to being abusive to me in emails, and being abusive to my friends too. I don't what to delete my accounts, but he has me living in fear of my life. He know what I look like, he knows where I live, he threatened me, by saying he would order a hit on me, if I tried to leave him. The funny thing is I made it clear from day one we were only friends. Yet, he got jealous and started telling me who I can and can't talk to. I am so scared of him, I feel he really will order people to kill me, if I ghost him, but this is my only option, because right know, I have to live with his cruelty and his abusive ways.

[DeeDeeDeVour]

@WildChild31: How is it that this dangerous being knows so much about? Have you actually met him in person?

[WildChild31]

We video chatted twice, and he took screenshot of my face without my permission. I was still on good term with him back then, so I thought it's normal for friends to video chat, I didn't know about the pictures, until I tried to delete my email, he told if I left he would send these to murders in my area and pay them to kill me. He found where I lived because, he bullied one of my friends for that information. I don't know if he is lying or telling the truth. I just what him to leave me alone. I live in fear of my life. What should I do?

[DeeDeeDeVour]

@WildChild31: You should have a log and memoirs of your encounters with him and present your case to any local law-enforcement authority. Hopefully, they'll forward it to the right specialists who handle cases like this.

[WildChild31]

I didn't realise I could go to the police, thank you I feel safer already, I will go to the station with a memory stick full of his threats. I hope they can help. I was so scared I didn't know where to turn. Thank you for your advice and information. I hope the police can do something to help. Thank you again for everything.

[DDpsy]

"If, on the other hand, you were not such a good friend to them then maybe you have lost them and it is time for you to re-evaluate how you are treating people. Ask others for advise on how you can better yourself and your understanding of others."

No. it's never the fault of the one that is ghosted. I ghosted people before and it was always because I am just a major asshole. It was not their fault and I make no excuses for it.

Also the 4 instances when I was ghosted it was by terrible people and 100% not my fault. Screw them.

[ThisIsMyOpinion]

I am going to be a little harsh about this, but someone ghosted you... so what? No really, unless it's someone you already had any sort of relatioship with who cares? If it was done by a freind or a significant other it hurts of course, still the course of action in the same, aka, to hell with them then. I believe our heads should be up all the time, no matter how much anyone tries to make us feel bad. Even if it hurts really bad keep your head up, be strong, say "f*** that person to yourself a lot and keep on living like nothing happen. People can't let others hurt them so easily, don't give them that satisfaction.

[Robertcw]

This is so true. I have been a chronic ghoster all my life and I always regret it later.

It’s something I need to work on. It’s rooted in an inherent fear of intimacy.

It’s so not cool and totally unnecessary.

[laurieluvsit]

Love your honesty and recognition Mr Robert! :)

[Pinay_ako]

Good take Laurie <3 I am guilty of ghosting some people in my life.. :/ But people should also realize, we don't need to explain to them why we decided to cut them off. Especially if all they brought to our lives are nothing but pain and misery...

[laurieluvsit]

Thank you! ... and excellent point Ms Pinay! :)

[ObscuredBeyond]

Can't relate to that. I always give someone a warning that they've stepped out of bounds before I do that. Even then, I try to give them a chance at redemption. But if they blow every chance given, then when I finally do shut the door, I almost never open it again.

[Kaneki05]

I ignore people all the time online, just cause i cannot be arsed sometimes.
I like getting drunk and trying to get sleep and i ain't gonna get back to you until my hangover is gone.

Plus i ignore if i get into a fight or someone annoys me cause i don't like talking if my emotions get in the way and make me say something dumb.

So i guess i ghost, i never block or anything like that tho i just don't reply until i feel like it.

[yucel_eden]

Though I do not disagree with a failure at the receiving end triggering the ghosting, I do think ghosting itself in today’s form is an indicator of how shallow the person is.

If you are just talking then it’s no biggie, but if you’ve been in a relationship and you ghost no matter the reason the other need to know what you’re intention is which is to leave and the reason why.

It’s like a failed interview, yes, you are not for the job but you need feedback to improve.

[cryscrys1]

It happens to me once , and it affected me a lot. I was very hurt. But it made me stronger if it happens again I know I won't react the same way I reacted before. People who ghost are pure evil.

[laurieluvsit]

I am so sorry to hear that Ms CC, some people never realize how what they do effects others feelings, or they just don't care.

Either way, it was good that you found that out about him before you got even further into the relationship.

[mail77]

I really don't have any friends here. So When i spend time getting to know you. and we both send gifts to each other. thinking we have a friendship going. then it turns out. a couple of years later. You ghost me for no reason. I'd like to know. why did you do it?

I think i seek answers. Because it helps me heal.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thanks for writing this.
I have a girl who's an ex friend that I need to ghost, and those tips will be useful!

[laurieluvsit]

... lol. You're welcome

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Yep!
Just apply in reverse! 😂😂😂

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

No, honestly it's the only way to deal with some toxic people that won't leave alone.
My comment was a joke but there's some truth to it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Because when some people reach stalker levels, it's either that or calling the authorities.

[Gothd011]

@Jean-Marie_Céline Well, I have a bad tendency to recoil back if I feel any hesitation. My response is halt.

I really wish I could break this cycle because I really think Im making people feel I don't care. When that not true Im just so damn respectful of people space and I really don't know anything about feelings etc.

[Dbwkdncnf]

I still feel the same about ghosting when my skin was developing at a young age from my experience of it: I don't mind ghosting as long as no serious feelings have manifested.

If I'm connected to you in some way then I'm not likely to care about you.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Xavixk]

I feel like this would mostly be done to stalkers or soon to be stalkers...
Doesn't really understand the point of doing it, unless the other person won't respect a no.

[DianaWest]

the only people who ghost others have no spines or backbone. it shows that there is something wrong with their character more so than yours.

[Wolframium]

Good one, I really like this.
But I miss one key information. Advice to everyone not to do that. Explain you gonna leave and then leave, if you have to.

[HopelessPaul]

When you're ghosting men, you say it's fine because you're allowed to assume we're all potential rapists. When we ghost you, we're disgusting, cruel and horrible.

[Eleni91]

I ghosted people but they became creepy so backed off.

[Liam_Hayden]

Ghosting, unless the person being ghosted is psycho/stalker, is cowardly.

[sonnysunshine]

If you ghost someone without any solid reason you are selfish coward. Period.