Girl's Behavior

Fear of Death: Staring Death in the Face

This is not a story on how to cope with death, accepting death, or what you will go through if you or someone you know dies. This a story about my experience with death, and my feelings toward it. If you are looking for advice all I can pretty much say is, accept it, and embrace it. Life goes on so you should too. As for the person dying, death is a natural thing. Everyone lives and everyone dies. I hope that my words were insightful. Speaking of insightful here is my story.

I've recently realized that I have Thanatophobia, which is also known as fear of death. I've always known that I was afraid of dying, but now at this point I am terrified. I constantly wonder when and how I am going to die. I wonder will it hurt, or be painless if that is even possible! If "heaven/hell" truly exist, where will I end up? I've always dreaded death, because I hate enduring pain! Also, the only thing that I have ever known was living; so what occurs once I am dead? Will I die peacefully or shall I suffer? I can't comprehend a reason to live, if we are just going to perish. Unfortunately, I'm still asking myself these questions today, even after being so close to death. I almost died or maybe I did I'm not quite sure. I was in the hospital for about a month (but that is a different story), and it was finally time for me to go home. I would've checked out about 15 minutes before, but I sent my mom to the cafeteria. Once, she returned I told her my neck felt slightly stiff; she then told me that we weren't leaving if something is still wrong, and that she was going to call the nurse. I told her no don't it's not that serious. Then it happened. I instantly started to grab my throat and couldn't say a word, at that moment my mom called the nurse and told her to hurry.

fear of death
During this time the pain in my neck was unbearable. It felt like a cramp, and for some reason it seemed like I was trying to break it. All I know was that my head kept bending further and further back to the point where it almost snapped! My nurse then runs in and ask what's wrong, then says that she has only seen this once before, and runs back out to get help. Meanwhile, my head started to twitch, followed by a weird pain. My right cheek basically just sucked into my mouth, and all I could feel was my teeth biting down on it. Once, that was over my teeth started to push down harder and harder grinding together, as if they were going to break.

Finally, about 13 doctors came rushing, one after another, into my tiny room. They told to stay calm, that they were here to help, and that I will be fine.Then my tongue started to swell, and I couldn't breathe! It swelled up so largely that I couldn't keep it in my mouth. At that moment all I could think about was death, almost as if I had embraced it. I just stared up at the ceiling as thoughts and memories went through my head. To me it just became silent, despite all of the havoc in the room. Like I knew it was my time to go, and I was at peace. During all of this I was constantly stabbed with extremely painful needles, and burned as the medicine raced through my veins. Even with all that occurring, I felt empty even though I was not yet dead. It seemed like I left my body and was staring down at me, or as if I became someone else watching me lying there. Also, watching the doctors as I made a turn for the worst.

When I woke up I didn't remember what had occurred after that point, and didn't want to find out. My tongue began to swell again, and went back down after another dose of medicine. Later, I found out that I had an allergic reaction, or Anaphylaxis do to a medication called Droperiodol/Inaspine.They told me my immune system was trying to fight it off, which caused the twitching, swelling, and other side effects, and made my body go into shock. I'm still not exactly sure on all that happened that day, but I can't forget what I was aware of during the event. (no matter how hard I try) One other thing that I do know is the fact that I am still alive.
Fear of Death: Staring Death in the Face
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