Girl's Behavior

I'm a virgin by default

I'm a virgin by default


Most of the guys I hang with do not think I’m a virgin any longer. Simply because I’m promiscuous in the way I talk and behave. I am not embarrassed over my body nor the body of a man and that most certainly reflects in my behaviour. But oh boy, how mistaken these guys are!


I'm a virgin by default


It’s funny really since I have never actually romantically held hands with a guy, kissed a guy, hugged one nor have I ever harboured any feelings of love for one. “Who cares really, your still young, you’ll fall in love sooner or later…” Well sorry to disappoint you but this isn’t one of those story’s, or not entirely.



You see, for me the fact that I’m still a virgin is because I cannot commit myself, or love another human being and let them close. I’ve known it for quite some time that something was off. My parent’s relationship had crushed my own hart when I was just a teeny tiny kid and kept on doing so even as of today. Like a bad nightmare that keeps returning everytnight.



I remember how I used to persuade myself how love was the cause of all evil, every time I saw my mother cry relentlessly and my father’s back hunched under the weight of a depression.




I even pinkie sweared to my best friend in kinder garden how we would never love a man, marry one or have kids. Simply because those were the key ingredients for an unhappy, tear stained life.


And thus I dedicated my young life to straying from anything that came remotely close to; romance, love, emotions and basically everything involving the gooey drama most girls only dreamed of. Instead I tried to be as less of a girl as possible so guys could never see me as one and like me. In return I wouldn’t have to deal with a love sick moron.


I looked away when guys would look at me, when one seemed interested I became a bitch and avoidant. I denied myself my own feelings and emotions just so I could stay sane in an envirement that simply wasn't. I had a big mouth, I was strong from all the years of martial arts training. I needed no one. Guys… often hated me, thought I was a lesbian, a she male.


But I guess it were my parents who made me realize something was wrong with me. One morning I was around 15 they started questioning my sexuality, asked me if I liked girls instead of boys. I was shocked, not in the sense off having something against homosexuals (nor does my family), but the sudden possibility of love between me and my female friends seemed just so disgusting and repulsive. I had spent most of my time avoiding guys, I had never realized people would think I might love girls. And again the key ingredient isn’t girls, but love.


Disgusting love, whom I hated and was scared of so much. I wasn’t physically attracted to women, but the thought of love was just so overwhelmingly scary I scurried over to the safest point of being. And that was emotionally far away from both boys and girls, from humans in general.


In fact I just wouldn’t let anything come too close, just to make sure I wouldn’t be brought to ruins by the same ‘love’ that ruined my childhood.


Hence why I’m a virgin by default. Even thought I want to have sex, I simply cannot since the mere thought of someone caring and loving for me is enough to send me running for the hills.


I am trying to change myself for the better, to at least give myself the chance to choose if I want to love a man or not. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to overcome my fear, it won’t be anytime soon but who knows what the future might bring. It was quite a journey for me to get to the point of understanding and accepting partially my dellusional fears.


I'm a virgin by default
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