Is it impossible for a man to fall in love with me if I don’t display femininity / vulnerability?

[Anonymous]

I’ve read it multiple times - men only fall in love with women they perceive as at least somewhat pretty + vulnerable.

I’m okay in terms of physique, I’m like a 6-7/10. However, I’m not really “feminine”, “warm” or “vulnerable” in my personality. I’m an INTJ, for those who know MBTI (= productivity autist).

I’m very private, stoic, and rational. I don’t share emotions, I judge people I see as incompetent/lazy/unintelligent, I am hard working and am goal-oriented. They idea of playing dumb, feigning weakness, or agreeing with everything a potential partner might say feels disingenuous to me. I fall in love intellectually, I must feel like a partner adds value to my life, encourages my goals, and pushes me to be a better purposeful person and vice versa. Is my only choice to date other INTJ men? The idea of “submitting” to a man and not being equal with him in a relationship disturbs me. Masculine men, what do you think?

[weeee]

"men only fall in love with women they perceive as at least somewhat pretty + vulnerable."

there's your issue. I dont know about others, but this is definitely something i dont look for. Generalisations are dumb, and you'll easily find hundreds of men that deviate from it.

"They idea of playing dumb, feigning weakness, or agreeing with everything a potential partner might say feels disingenuous to me. I fall in love intellectually, I must feel like a partner adds value to my life, encourages my goals, and pushes me to be a better purposeful person and vice versa. "

And you are completely correct. This is what a healthy relationship should be like. If girl is being disingenuous, playing dumb, its a huge turn off for me.

"The idea of “submitting” to a man and not being equal with him in a relationship disturbs me."

And same with men. There are lots of men out there today who dont seek this traditional relationship dynamic.

"I’m very private, stoic, and rational. I don’t share emotions, I judge people I see as incompetent/lazy/unintelligent, I am hard working and am goal-oriented"

Yeah and you dont have to be otherwise. I dont like traditional gender ideas because they are too rigid and fail to encompass the nuance of human behaviour.

We all have notions of masculinity and femininity, but of all the people you know, how many of them fit it perfectly? How men do you know that only and only express "masculine" traits? How many women do you know who only and only express "feminine" traits? These are the ideals, so is there something wrong with the vast majority of the public? Or maybe, just maybe, is there something wrong with our gender ideals?

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

I think people shouldn't associate "femininity" with "weakness". There are men out there who would find your INTJ ways alluring and mysterious and sexy. It's more a case of knowing how YOUR specific type of femininity relates to YPUR personality type. To take the reverse, as an INFP guy, I don't relate to the macho stereotypes of how "manly men" should act. For me, part of my own expression of masculinity comes from knowing I can be a bit different, a bit more introspective and intuitive, and be able to do all that while being secure in my masculinity. To me there's nothing less "manly" than a guy who acts tough and macho because that's what society demands of him. To me, masculinity is more about autonomy and self-direction. So femininity might mean something different to you than it means for the doting barbie girl who pretends not to understand basic math because it's "cute" to macho guys insecure about their own intelligence.

[Asker]

I really like this take. I agree, a quiet sort of introspective masculinity is a lot more attractive to me than fake insecure machismo.

[boggboss]

No but u will find it much harder men typically don't want a women that acts stereotypically like a guy because thats not what they find attractive there are always exceptions to the rule tho

[Asker]

I’m not really “stereotypically like a guy” either. I don’t get angry, cuss, enjoy sports, or want to dominate social situations. I’m quiet and keep to myself and only add information when needed. I really value my space and alone time though, it’s very important to me in a relationship.

[boggboss]

When I said act like a man I didn't mean to having male hobbies having anger issues or swear but you don't show emotions or how other women tend too like I said it won't make it Impossible but just harder

[williamHD]

I find it attractive but I still want a girl to trust me and admit she loves me

[williamHD]

But being equal in a relationship 100% is everything.

[marc94]

It is not impossible. Some people (myself included) might find strong, rational and self-empowered individuals to be more attractive because of those assets.

[Anonymous]

It is not an impossibility because it is a generalization. However, you have less probability than others because it is a good and representative generalization.

[Anonymous]

You posted this again?