Girls, Be completely honest. Do you really respect men you friéndzone?

[Anonymous]

One of the reasons men get so angry over the friendzone is not because we lost our opportunity to be more than friends. Rejection burns but that is just a fact of life for more most men. Dating is like being a door to door salesman to us. Its up to us to make it happen and if we get a no then we want to move on ASAP until we eventually hear a yes. The disinterested girl is now just a liability if we continue to waste our time and energy on her.

Anyway the real reason we get angry about the friendzone is we feel like our masculinity isn’t being respected. Respecting a man surely doesn’t mean dating him, having sex and/or getting a relationship. Its understanding his gamble he took a (likely uncomfortably) by approaching you. It’s now your turn to be forthcoming about where you stand. It need to be done sooner than later.

Confidently assuming he is going to be okay with being platonic friends when it’s plain as day he wants more is disrespectful, cowardly and selfish.

While I can understand that women are nervous that men won’t take rejection well in reality most guys can take in in stride. If they do get angry or rude than take that as confirmation you made the right choice.

No the truth is most women don’t want to lose out on the benefits of having the interested guy in their orbit (attention, favors, ego boost, someone to use against you really like, etc.). They also know that interested guy will likely do more for them vs someone who isn’t. This is especially true of if they see the guy is “nice” which women either consciously or subconsciously find feminine. Most of them have no idea how deeply insulting that attitude to vast majority of hetero men.

Anyway I haven’t been “friéndzoned” in a very long time but I’ve had women attempt that crap (including grown ass women in their 30s). The attempt itself is infuriating tbh (a woman past 30 should know better. I feel there should come a point in a woman’s life where she should understand male psychology better.

No

Yes

Updates

+1 y

Hey ladies thanks for your feedback. Also thank for being considerate to read my POV (except @dustybiker, she inadvertently proved my point).

I swear if friendzoning was resolved by better understanding (of both sexes) to effectively communicate better then at least 50% of male dating qualms would be solved.

I just comes down to respect. Young men need to learn to accept rejection with class (as guys age we quickly learn this but still. Women need to understand & respect

Updates

+1 y

For you 8 girls who voted NO although I got to thank you for being honest. It’s disgusting but it’s honest. Also for the other 12 i think some of you are lying to yourselves.

[GoldenCage]

Just refuse the freidship offer and that's it. I don't understand why even caring about what people attempt to offer when you simply know your earth and value.

I'm against freidzoning a guy who obviously expressed a desire for relationship. Or having friends with benefits if that matters. But people will offer and that is on them. why should it bother you? just say no and move on 🤷‍♀️

You're clearly frustrated but I'd advise you to not let people get under your skin. Chose peace.

[Asker]

“I'm against freidzoning a guy who obviously expressed a desire for relationship”

Thank you. The thing is I used to think young women who CONFIDENTLY friéndzoned guys was just naive at best and selfish conceited cunts at worst. I can forgive a (young) woman for the former but not the latter. And the latter is more common than you think.

But in the last few years I’ve encountered three grown ass women all their 30s (one a year older than me) who seriously believed I would be okay with this friendzone bs because I’m “nice”. One knocked it out the park by literally showing up on my front porch on Independence Day and later asked my sister in law (who she just met) if she could stay over her house. It was insane. That kind of crap hits a very deep nerve with me.

All in all I can handle (tactful) rejection. Men get plenty of it our dating lives and we learn to not let it get to us.

I can be friendly (but not friends) after she politely declines. I don’t hate her. There is no anger but just some disappointment. I actually thanked the last few women who were honest (early) because they did the right thing about letting me know where I stand.

When it comes down it attraction isn’t a choice. I didn’t get a choice in feeling attracted to her nor did she have a choice in NOT feeling attracted to me.

But women are NOT laying a guy down with so called “gentle hands” if you ask him to be friends. Generally the woman gets a lot more benefit out of that platonic scenario. And do you think he wants to stick around just to hear her ask for advice and/or complain about other guys? She’s just a walking reminder of a lost cause for him. Depending on how much he liked her he can’t just turn off the attraction he had like a light switch.

So do NOT ask to be friends when rejecting a guy. Instead say “I want to be honest because I respect you.” You can say “I hope we can be cool” but actually asking him to stay in contact is extremely selfish.

[GoldenCage]

Man that was quite a lot of venting but I understand it 🌹.. I guess it all comes down to how early she expressed it and how did she express it.

I don't offer friendships from someone who clearly said he wants something more than that. So my experience was that the man pushes for a friendship with me and it gets very uncomfortable for me. Because I don't have any close male friends. And my male friends do not know my personal or intimate life. Plus if you're my male friend I'll talk to you like twice times a month if not once every few months. So I know I can't handle these so called friendships with hidden motives because the man wants to talk all the time like we're sisters. I just don't do that it's uncomfortable and awkward.

So when a man becomes pushy with it I tell him dude if you keep doing that I will have to force a distance either by not responding to you or blocking you. Two things that I don't like but how to deal with him otherwise?

And if it is someone in person you bet it is going to be awkward afterwards. Not to mention men who get angry if rejected or start cursing and throwing tantrums. Or you start noticing that they're stalking you. Not all people are civil with it.

So I really try to explain things but also trust me some men go nuts if you reject them.

It is really crazy for both genders trust me

[Asker]

Thanks for hearing me out.

You know deep down I really wanted to get know a girl as friends first (with the unspoken hint of being interested) before getting into a relationship. In a perfect world that’s how things should be. That’s how the much younger idealistic me approached things and it agonizingly failed EVERY single time. Every time. I remember pursuing a girl for over 1.5 years in college. We did kiss once. But I made every mistake in the book (had no idea what I was doing back then) and she met her future husband and father of children right in front of me. Despite them dating she continued to call me and start conversations with me. I took that (scandalous i know) as opportunity to steal her back. I didn’t know what the friendzone was back then.

Moving forward I got more callous. I started initiating sex early not just for personal gratification but because I had to show a girl where I stand. I had sex early with all 3 of my last long term gfs. Truth is I wanted to wait but I can NOT risk another friéndzone. I have had 5 or 6 “drawn out” friéndzones in my life. You have no idea what of soul crushing humiliation and insult that really is. All these women would “throw me bones” just to keep me in their orbit.

[Asker]

Anyway I get the fear you might feel when dealing with a guy who can’t handle rejection. Those men do exist. I confess I’ve cyberstalked (checked up on social media) women who have done this to me.

But in reality the risk level of a guy truly being dangerous is much lower than paranoid society makes it out to be. The best thing you can do is to make sure the man feels RESPECTED when you reject him. Acknowledge the risk he took to approach you. Respect his courage. Also respect he’s just doing his job. Most men will remain single for life if they don’t make a move. They are told be “confident” and assertive all the time anyway.

So next time you reject a guy just say this: “hey so and so. I want to be honest with you because I respect you. The truth is I’m just not interested. I think it’s fair for you to know that and I don’t lead people on. I know that likely disappointing to hear but again I do respect you for trying. But please understand this is how I feel. If I don’t hear from you anymore I’ll understand. But I hope we can be cool.”

Now most mature guys will politely bow out. Some will get rude/angry which you should just take as confirmation you made the right decision. Also I will vouch to say even the creepy/stalkerish guys will be less apt to do something stupid. I imagine those guys rarely get respect from anyone. So it might make them even think twice about doing something stupid.

Just do it like that. I can remember a girl saying something similar above to me years ago. I thanked her for her honesty and wished her luck. It stung but I got over it quickly because she showed me some class and respect.

[GoldenCage]

Thank you but I always do it like that. Still crazy is as crazy do. I just don't let it bother me. I give people chance to be respectful also but I can't go back and forth with a crazy man. Anyways, I hope and wish you happiness and peace of mind. I really truly do. You sound like a good person anyway.

[Asker]

Thank you and don’t ever change being (tactfully) direct. Guys might not thank you but they will be thankful

It’s just in my experience most women don’t do that. They either act flaky, ghost or worse of all (unannounce) friéndzone.

I confess I’ve have a few times in the past not take rejection well. I never went psycho but I did get angry. But I was younger. Nowadays I just thank the girl for her honesty (as long as she is polite) and move on.

[PrettyPriya]

I don't friendzone guys. I have guy friends that I respect deeply. They were never romantic interests of mine though. Just really good friends, whether from growing up or school, etc.

I usually take my time and am cautious when dating. However, if it doesn't work out, I don't try to manipulate them into a friend. It is kind of awkward to me. I just politely say it isn't going to work.

Not easy to do, but best cut ties and be adults about it.

[Asker]

“I just politely say it isn't going to work. Not easy to do, but best cut ties and be adults about it.”

^^^ good. Don’t ever change that approach. If more women were like this we would have fewer problems in this world.

[PrettyPriya]

Yeah, agreed. Sometimes things just don't work out. Like not everything has to be a love story. When it isn't, a little mutual respect and go separate ways. Doesn't have to be mean. Just honest.

[Asker]

Exactly. You can always expect some disappointment and maybe (controlled) anger from the other person. No one likes being rejected. But if a guy acts like a douche about it (insults you, acts entitled, loses his temper) then just take that as confirmation you did the right thing.

My ex girlfriend went psycho (screaming, yelling, threatening suicide) when I broke up with her. I obviously didn’t expect her to be happy. But afterwards I walked away knowing I made the right decision. Reason being is tactfully communicated and gave her full closure. As much as it sucked (2 agonizing hours) it was worth that confrontation to save myself guilt/regret and to respect her.

But no offense but I see too many women engaging in selfish cowardice under the veil of “oh I’m scared he might get violent” bullshit. The vast majority of guys won’t do that. But playing games actually can drive them into being much more angry and crazy because they (rightfully) feel disrespected. Not justifying bad behavior but not communicating properly can screw people up more than some people realize.

[PrettyPriya]

Thank you kindly for MHG. 🙏

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if I've ever friendzoned anyone but I've rejected someone and said we could still be friends. I didn't say that bc I wanted the attention I just didn't want to make him feel hurt. How is being nice considered feminine tho? I thought it was universal

[Asker]

I’ll cut you some slack because you are young. But if a guy already put in the effort in trying to date you (approaching you, setting up a date or two and usually paying for it, trying to look good, having to lead the conversation, going in for a kiss, etc) the LAST thing he wants to hear is “can we be friends?”

It’s better to say this:

“hey I think you are a cool guy. I respect you and everything you did but out of respect I got to be honest. Truth is I’m just not interested. I know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear but I want to be fair to you. I hope we can still be cool (don’t mention the word friends.”

That above shows you noticed and respected the risk he took approaching you (which is tougher than most women realize). It also shows you don’t want to lead him on. But stay away from the word “friends”. That’s seems to be an ambiguous female ace in hole in one comment. If he is mature he will be friendly with you afterwards (like small talk and hello).

He will likely be disappointed and even a bit upset. But after he calms down he will be thankful you respected. But you sure as hell shouldn’t expect him to get in long conversations with you or worse continue to hang out with you. Some women really do want to string guys for ulterior purposes. If you are politely direct then you disinfected the wound. It’s very painful in the moment but it will heal much quicker. But if you act confident that he’s going to be “okay” with being platonic friends that is just adding insult to injury. It has to do with his masculinity being respected.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah that makes sense. Thanks for the advice

[Asker]

NP. This impacts guys deeper than most girls realize. Just remember attraction isn’t a choice but respect is. Asking a guy to “just be friends” after he stuck his neck out trying to date you isn’t being nice.

[dustybiker]

All of my closest, most trusted, best friends are male. I have their backs, they have mine. Have gone through a helluva lot the last 12 months. The men in my life have been there, the woman ghosted. Not everything is about sex.

[Asker]

If you read the details about what I’m talking about this is NOT about sex but about RESPECT.

I have been platonic friends with one woman for over 12 years. It works because I never had seriously been attracted to her or vice versa. The acid test is I don’t any jealousy when she’s around other guys. She’s pretty in her own way but not my type. We have even shared a bed a few times over the years but the thought of doing something didn’t cross my mind for a second.

But isn’t convenient that men make such better friends than other women? If they are like what I mentioned above than great. But if they are interested in you and you know it but still keep them in your “orbit” that is extremely selfish. However guys around your age should know better but still. Isn’t it nice you have that leverage on them? No coincidence they will do more for you vs. other women or other guys who have no romantic interest.

[dustybiker]

Hey, feel free to vent out a male version of an emotional outburst woman so often get criticized for. GaG is good for that. Be careful though, I was agreeing with you to a certain extent.

[VanessaH]

Yes, I respect guys I friendzone.

I'm always polite to them and I really do care about my guy friends. I'm there for them when they need me. I compliment them for their success and achievements etc.

The difference is that there is no attraction. And I make that clear in the very beginning. I don't call them unattractive but I always tell them I see us only as friends.

[Asker]

Well if you speak up early (ideally the moment you decide you don’t want to date them) then the ball is in their court. You effectively communicated where you stand. If a guy sticks around thinking he can get out if the friéndzone he’s naive/foolish but it’s on him. I confess I did this once back then I was 17 and didn’t know any better.

But in my experience most women do NOT effectively communicate. Instead they play games hoping the guy will get the hint. But when he starts ignoring them they will “throw him a bone” just to keep him in their orbit.

Don’t ever do that bullshit when a you know the guy likes you (and women intuitively know over 99% of the time). That’s torture and something that will burn him for a very long time.

Anyway I sorta expect this with younger women. But my motivation to write them question stems from dealing with grown ass women in their 30a who do this crap. Some people actually get worse as they age. However I’ve been in the reverse position. I was politely honest early with the last 3 women I turned down.

[VanessaH]

I know that guys are also vulnerable creatures. I promise not try to hurt them and give false hope.

[Asker]

Being direct about not being interested isn’t fun. I’ve had to do that to other women. It’s not as common vice versa but I treat them how I (should of been treated). You got to rip the bandage off and put disinfectant on the wound. It burns but it heals the fastest.

When you plays games with someone then you just create an infection.