I feel like my coworker crossed a social line and I am confused about it?

[LovelyBones13]

So I get along with one of my coworkers (F30/31). We have been working for the same department for 4 months and knew eachother from "down the hall" at the office before. We both like the same TV show contest and since yesterday was the finale, she kind of invited herself earlier this week to come over and watch the finale at my house.

Nothing was weird. I prepped some snacks and such and she gave me a handmade Christmas card. We watched the show a bit till the first commercial block. I have a TV which you can pause and fastforward live TV shows and we were talking about so much that I paused th TV at the end of the commercial block.

Here is when it gets a bit weird. I am studying psychology next to my job so that might add some context? My coworker had had a boyfriend for 8 years now.

My coworker starts to talk about how another coworker can be a bit "off" sometimes. I agree with her and then she says that she has autism, which did not surprise me. I responded with something generic like "everybody has something". Next she asks me if I wanted to try to guess/diagnose which traumatic event she had in her life. I felt uncomfortable doing this, so asked her if we could continue watching the contest. She then starts to talk about how her childhood was traumatic (sick father, disabled brother, lots of bullying) and how she lost her virginity; she was raped at 17 by the boyfriend of her best friend. She starts to talk about it in details and while i try to have her not go into detail ("you dont have to relive that painfull memory") she starts to describe how she layed there in front of the bed etc. She concludes her story with that she is over it. I am flabergasted and say something generic about her being brave.

We finally go back to watching the show, a full hour later, and she starts to talk about her hair. She asked me if I liked it, I said sure. She then wanted me to touch her hair. I refused. 10 minutes later she asks if she can take her shoes off. I say ofcourse.

Updates

+1 y

She then takes off both her shoes and her socks, saying that her feet are really cold. I roll my eyes (why take off your socks then) and asks if i have to adjust the heater. She then puts her bare foot in front of my face and asks me to feel how cold it is. I say that I hate feet but for a full 5 minutes she keeps trying to have me touch her feet.

After this she watches the contest with me normally, eating the snacks and reacting to TV.

After this social interaction I feel very confused.

Updates

+1 y

I have not made new friends in a few years and my very social boyfriend (who lives with me but wasn't there when my coworker was) says that this is how people socialize.

Any advice with how to deal with this? I am really turned off by now further socializing with her, but we work together so I can not shut her out of my life. Changing departments is also not an option. Also, why would she open up to me like that and then act so set on me wanting to touch her?

[ohshee]

Dont you love when things are ok in life your just being you. happy go lucky you. opening up a little bit more each day.. and thinking she nice . And your thinking why not I wouldn't mind having a friend to hang out with sometimes and blah blah blah and you open that door. In the word friendship just took on the whole nother meaning

I think you're cool for doing it have you girls been through a lot. I don't know about anybody else but when I have gone through something or I said yeah I'm good I'm over it go with something like that I don't know if you could actually really get all the way over it you have to talk about it to get it out of your system I would think

And I think she was just being her I don't think she was trying to do anything I think she was just being friendly and open and happy.
I don't know that for sure that for me I look at things pretty deep and it's what she didn't say that I would have been paying attention to I would have been reading her body language because when people talking to you with your voice say one thing their body language saying all the other thing your eye contact just a lot of things so it is really hard to even say anything I don't know crossed any boundaries or l i n e s. I mean did she act like she did want to go home you know maybe she's having problems maybe the girl that you guys work with maybe she's in love with you and she was trying to find out if you were lesbian or not I mean there's a 500 million things that could B and I bet you it's none of them I bet you she's just a happy-go-lucky person she's lonely. Or maybe even she thinks that you're lonely and she was just trying to cheer you up make you smile make you laugh I don't think you have any problems with her I really wouldn't think too deep on it right now not unless you felt something unless you felt her energy I mean Let It Go and just let it happen until it gets out of bounds and you know when that starts to happen and that's when you just going to have to speak up and be honest in a polite way

I mean if anything you should be happy that you don't know me and I don't work with you because I would ask you if I could come over and watch a show with you and just to be a smart-ass I would do the same thing with a big smile on my face can I take off my shoes I shaved my head so I have no hair but I'd still try to get you to feel it sorry I just start thinking about that I start laughing and I had to say it but that's really what I would do that too. Yeah don't look at it too deep whatever the answer is it'll come to you. Either that or she will let you know I guess just smile you'll be okay maybe she just needed to talk who knows

[VIVANT]

I think it would have been appropriate to say you are not comfortable discussing her trauma. You weren’t. That is true. Telling her she dis not have to re live something —she clearly very much wanted to talk about— by talking about it, is like saying you don’t have to talk about this but if you want to go ahead. Bc of course she does not ‘have to talk about it’ you didn’t ask questions she chose to talk of her own volition, bc it was a relief for her to do so.

As for “reliving” trauma, people usually get to the point of talk bc they are reliving it already internally and they need a release, We do not re live trauma bc we talk about it. We talk bc we re living it. in my opinion It’s quite important to talk it out or it can be very damaging. But not with just anyone we feel like. When you said you do not have to re live this, I think you were projecting. YOU felt that you do not have to be exposed to it and you don’t.

It’s up to any of us in those situations what you want to do but it’s clear you didn’t want to hear it. ‘Not talking about it’ was for your comfort not hers. But that’s ok. You are allowed boundaries and she can talk to someone else about “ that”. She should have more awareness then to dump her stuff into someone who was clearly not cool with it. I could feel how these all that was just reading this. Pretty awful in my opinion 🥵

The rest was weird to be but I think if you established boundaries early in she’s less likely to assume you are ok with all that. Some people would some won’t. You are not comfortable and the earlier she understood, the better. Next time do t be afraid to say I’m not comfortable with this. It’d be worse for both of you if you got upset. In future it’s ok to say I’m sure this is too much for me. We all have diff strengths, not everyone is a pocket therapist 😊

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to hang out with her and don’t tell her any plans you may have in the future if she talks to you at work. I’m saying this from experience with a person who acts very similar to her. Continually ‘being nice’ to someone because you don’t want to hurt their feelings will not end well :( and quite frankly In my case-as much as you want it to.. will not end. At work, you don’t have to have long conversations w her when she talks. Just keep it light when *she initiates* conversation. Hope this helps

[TheorionMage]

Perhaps I'm reading too much into it due to a lack of side cues, but...
it sounds like she might be a 'new-bie' bi- or lesbian and
was deniably "testing the waters" for YOUR inclinations,
while preserving her OWN 'deniability' ...
"Oh NO! You misunderstood and took THAT the wrong way!"

You're cold, yet you're removing clothing and asking her
to 'warm' your feet with her hands?

Next comes, "Umm... your hands are SOFT and WARM. Please massage my feet & toes!" As she repositions herself to make her body "more accessible".

[humpbackjack]

I’d just get your thoughts together and then invite her to eat lunch with you at work somewhere that you can talk in private and just explain that you’re not very social and that you were thrown off somewhat by some of her behavior and you realize she didn’t mean anything by it and you hope you didn’t throw her off by any of your responses but you’re just not use to such a free spirited person and maybe approaching it like this might get the point across or even open the door to talk about her easing up a little while keeping things pleasant so it doesn’t become uncomfortable at work

[Jamie05rhs]

The poor thing. She's been through a lot. She probably doesn't have any other friends in her life. I was kind of crying for her just reading this. Yes, she's a little weird. (And MAYBE she has bisexual tendencies.). I would just implore you to have patience with her and try to be kind to her. Maybe you can find an opportunity to explain to her calmly but firmly that the feet thing was inappropriate and she should not do that again. Thank you for handling this as well as you did! The world needs angels like you.

[LovelyBones13]

she actually has a lot of friends and is quite social/well liked and has told me that she went to therapy for years, hence the ''she is over it now'. one of her best friends also started working in our department a few weeks ago and they went on vacation together this summer. so i at least have confirmation that she has some social contact.

[Jamie05rhs]

Oh, okay. That's good.

[Seangreen]

Okay just stop talking to this woman don't worry about what happens I mean unless you want to sleep with her cuz she was obviously trying to do something but regardless she has borderline personality disorder at least it sounds like that to me I'm not a psychologist but I've dealt with BPD unfortunately firsthand just you need to just completely get that person out of your life don't allow them back to your home don't do anything with them if you have to see them at work or something just keep it to the minimum drama like you never believe will follow if you don't

[aquamarine321]

Maybe it’s her condition, even tho I don’t know anything about autism and/or she might trust you as a friend because I wouldn’t tell no one not even my darkest secrets, and I know you wouldn’t either plus different people behave differently around people and social settings and I know for sure if you stop talking to her you would have broken her heart, I just wish she found someone else than you even tho I understand your situation for freaking out but you should have also understood that she have autism

[Mehzmeh]

It seems like she is socially awkward. And didn’t know how to deal with certain things. So she tried to push your boundaries. And get a reaction from you. I think she wants to be friends. But doesn’t know how to do that. So, what you have to do is be upfront with her.


And say, if we are to become friends. You have to know when I say no it means no. Not keep trying to make me do something. So we have to learn each other. If not then we can not hang out. If you can agree with this. Then we can build a friendship. And do more things as friends.


And after that. If she don’t apologize. Then do not hang with her. If she does. Then find alway for you guy’s to build a relationship. Or just co workers.

[Jaximus-Lion]

May i ask! What kind of autism does she have? Maybe it's aspergers. Either way! Her behaviour explains a lot (by having autism) which leada to disorder in social interaction and communication (which happened in your situation). Going through her trauma with you like that is kind of interaction and communication disorder, they have been taught to break the ice is talking about what they have and what they have been through. In order to shut down this will take time.

[LovelyBones13]

She has PDDnos

[Jaximus-Lion]

Which means she has ASD. do you have any idea what grade of ASD? Does she take any medication? Next time she asks about anything so answer with simple crystal clear answer. I can't because i need to go grooceru shopping then i have to pick this, make dinner and so on. She will take few steps back but it will take time.

[Bricealan]

I can only say, that since she made you feel uncomfortable in that setting, I would just avoid any social interaction with her outside of work. Since you work with her, you can't avoid seeing her or maybe even talking, but avoid any contact outside of work. That is what I would do. Sad to say, but she used really bad judgement.

[WindAtMyBack]

It sounds like she is socially awkward and didn't catch on that it was bothering you. Some people are very open. That's not a big deal. But it was obviously a too much and she didn't catch the hints.

As for the feet. Sticking bare feet in front of someone like she did is just plain weird.

I don't know if she just acts like that, or if she was trying to flirt. Either way, she didn't pick up that you didn't like it.

[Frank_theTank999]

Sure seems like she is into you but has strange ways of showing it.
Her boyfriend is probably a dick and won’t listen to any of the things she is trying to open up about and is looking for another outlet. You probably seemed trustworthy to her so she’s unloading.

[LovelyBones13]

she has her boyfriend on a pedestal. she is always raving how supportive he is and how great their communication is

[Frank_theTank999]

Maybe, but there’s something she’s missing in that relationship that she seems to be looking for elsewhere.

[Likes2drive]

She is definitely socially awkward and seems to want you as a friend, just doesn’t know how to act because of things she has been through, I guess you can still be friends with her but maybe you shouldn’t have her over again if she made you feel uncomfortable

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Ooof...

That poor girl. Its pretty clear its her flirting but like done by a person who bought a guide on how to flirt and mostly just skimmed through the chapter titles and didn't read the rest. Poor, poor execution.

[LovelyBones13]

she has a boyfriend for 8 years now though

[Ez-Bri-Z]

And? I've been with another woman for 20 years and I still can and have dated others. Maybe they have an open/poly relationship or maybe she is bored and looking to explore. A boyfriend for 8 years is a long time

[kellytheman]

She might also not have a lot of friends and might have a hard time figuring what say or act and socialize. She might also been nervous and thought maybe if you touch her she be a little calmer and feel better. I think maybe you can spend more time with be okay just maybe set some ground rules saying what is okay and not okay

[menina]

She did cross the line and this behavior is weird. I've never heard of someone who socializes like that.
She has some problem I think. You're not forced to have her at your house. You can always invite other people and not her.

[priyakigaandme]

So how are you doing? All good in Netherland?

[menina]

@priyakigaandme I'm good and I'm not in the Netherlands.

[Cherry234]

Her behavior definitely is weird. I would keep your distance from her and only talk to her when you have to since you're uncomfortable with her. Keep things strictly professional and don't let her come to your house again.

[LovelyBones13]

agreed, the fact that she knows exactly where i live irks me now. also the fact that my boyfriend says ''this is how people socialize'' confuses me. I have had several friendships with different people and none of them ever asked me to touch their feet.

[Cherry234]

Yeah that's not normal social behavior. It sounds like your boyfriend is living under a rock. How the hell did his parents raise him?

[Cherry234]

I feel bad for her though.

[Guardian45]

Either she is a high-functioning neurodiversive, who typically don't socialize very well. Or she is autistic who usually don't like to be touched (so I wonder if she is really autistic?).

In both instances your odd encounter could have resulted. Do you still want to be friends with her? Autistics and other Neurodiversives can make fascinating friends!

[SiberFox]

I think she wants something from you, I'm not good at interactions between women, but I think it's a test, what of, I have no clue.
She definitely needs to think about her issues because I don't think she's over it as she claims.

[LovelyBones13]

I have been friends over the years with several women who had the widest range of different personalities and none of them ever asked me to touch their hair (except one time when i was dying somebodys hair, but that is difficult to do without touchinh it) or touch their feet. Furthermore, women do open up to eachother, but asking ''guess my trauma'' is not a common one in the conversation topics

[OlderAndWiser]

Are you suspecting that she has a sexual interest in you?

[LovelyBones13]

i had a former female friend who is bisexual and one time try to come onto me. Looking back at what happend with my coworker i kind of feel the same way as the before mentioned event

[OlderAndWiser]

And you don't have those feelings towards her?

[LovelyBones13]

nope, i have never found women atractive

[OlderAndWiser]

There are two ways to handle this.

1. Next time you get together, make sure it is in a public venue such as a restaurant. If she wants to go back to your place, just tell her that your boyfriend is expecting you home at 9 pm or whatever.

2. Make sure that you spend time talking about your boyfriend, how you feel about a future with him, and how you two are on the same page on the ssues of commitment and monogamy. She'll get the hint.

[Anonymous]

Working together doesn’t mean you have to talk to each other. I’ve been working with people for years and they barely say a word to me. It’s more like yes we work together but no I don’t want nor have to talk to you at all. There are days where we would have to work work together like next week and the week after that so then in that case who knows. I’m sorry that she was raped but she really did not need to talk to you about it and the whole feet thing was weird

[exitseven]

Everyone comes over and talks about getting raped and then wants to have their feet sniffed. She is a crazy as a bag of cats.

[Wiredone]

@ exitseven Hey don't pick on the little kitty's like that. Lol