Why I’m dying to talk with him but can’t message first because self respect? 😩?

[Anonymous]

[dynamicyandere]

I believe messaging first is fine. If you don’t want to seem needy, then don’t double text. And definitely don’t triple text. He’ll respond when he’ll respond. Just send your message and leave it be. If he message you, you can also wait 10-15 minutes before responding. If you two are texting back and forth, you can speed up the reply speed, but you want to still avoid double texts if you can. But if he’s still texting slow, you can match his pace.


So… That’s how you do the dance if you want to do the dance.


Me personally though, I don’t like to play games and I rather have a girl be straight up. I like that honesty and authenticity because I don’t have time for games.


But a lot of guys like that sort of back and forth dance and hot and cold thing. Because otherwise, it can feel too easy, and if the girl wasn’t more of a challenge to get then they may think they can do better.


As for myself, I understand the whole hard-to-get thing and the desire for challenge and the feeling of scarcity. I understand the psychology behind all that so I don’t let myself fall into that mental nonsense.


If she’s a good match, then she’s a good match. Period. No need to play these weird mind games.


Different guys are different though. So it’s always good to consider things case by case.

[OlderAndWiser]

If you provided at least a few details about your situation, it might help people to offer more than just wild guesses about your question.

[HollyK21]

If you’re this reluctant to reach out then my guess is that you usually initiate and would like for him to, which I understand. But if this is a thing to where if you don’t reach out then you don’t know when you will talk or he’s not really putting in mutual effort then cut him loose.

[Asker]

Trying to cut him off it’s hard but yeah trying

[HollyK21]

One day at a time. In your weak moments just remind yourself of why you’re having to do this and try keeping yourself busy.

[Asker]

Exactly i do this but sometimes it results in extreme lonely moments

[HollyK21]

Lonely moments can suck but they don’t have to. Maybe this is a good time to figure out how to make yourself feel less alone in those times.

[Anonymous]

lol honey just because you message him first doesn't mean you have no self respect... if you want to talk to him, talk to him! these games will get you nowhere and make you seem uninterested in the first place. which isn't that great.

[Adam1978]

What has self respect have anything to do with acting first? You must mean lack of self confidence.

[Asker]

You don’t understand see the girl who commented here understood me

[Adam1978]

Then it's you that exclude important context. Do you guys have an past? That is important facts to get the right advice.

[Asker]

We’re friends with some physical intimacy but he acts so distant and cold it’s been me only asking him to meet these days I really stopped that

[Adam1978]

Well you are clearly then been put in the just for fun category and not girlfriend category.

[Asker]

Fun fact he has a girlfriend

[Asker]

Yeah I know should stay away from him

[Adam1978]

You must also learn how to be girlfriend material, so you don't keep ending up in the for fun category.

[Asker]

That guy is weird admit it

[Asker]

I don’t let anyone get close to me easily

[Adam1978]

Why do you do it with a guy who has a girlfriend. That like saying you want a cheater or be a sidechick.

[Asker]

That guy didn’t told me earlier

[Asker]

That he has a girlfriend

[Vegasrunner]

@Adam1978 Women need to feel special so when he doesn't reach out first she doesn't get the chance to "feel" special this is reinforced by other women who use their past trauma to provide poor advice, like @HollyK21 Who doesn't understand that both her and the asker make their decisions based on emotion. She says cut him loose because she doesn't have any emotion tied to it, the asker is emotionally attracted to the man so it's hard for her to do it. This just highlights once again while it's important to be selective w/ the amount of attention you provide women.

[HollyK21]

@Vegasrunner what’s emotional about thinking he should do his part? It’s called mutual interest for a reason, and when she’s always the one initiating conversations and he doesn’t, that shows lack of interest on his behalf. Reading that he’s in a relationship explains his behavior, but just in general, when you’re dating someone it’s ok to want them to contribute.

[Vegasrunner]

@HollyK21 His part of what? I dont see anywhere in the original post where she mentions what there relationship status was. If I missed this please point it out. The fact that you're making a judment on this individualw/o that information would by definition be emotional. The other part u fail to understand is she has feelings for this guy and a big part of these feelings steam from her uncertainty about where she stands w/ this guy. Your "cut him loose advice is going to fail becauseu guys always need closure and until she gets it she's going to give in and contact him.

[HollyK21]

@Vegasrunner you’re way too sassy to be calling someone else emotional lol. In any relationship, be it platonic or romantic, each person should do their part in maintaining said-relationship. That means mutual effort, not one person traveling both lengths of a two-way road. If he were not only interested but had genuine intentions for her, he would be initiating some of these conversations. I suggested that this was the case in my separate comment to her, which she did not deny, and if you take a look at her comments to other people (which you clearly have, since you tagged me) then you will see her mention how much effort she puts in that he doesn’t. My “cut him loose” advice works like a charm, it has kept several close friends out of shitty situations and landed me in the ideal, long-term relationship I’m currently in.☺️

[Asker]

Yeah mutual effort is necessary

[HollyK21]

@asker exactly. I feel like that’s just common sense and not some overly emotional feminine need for reassurance like @Vegasrunner is trying to push🙄

[Adam1978]

Women might want to feel special but at the start an average girl aren't. You need to prove that you are special before you get that treatment otherwise you are just a girl among many. Why should he pick you and not one of the other.

[Vegasrunner]

@HollyK21 Unfortunately the evidence proves otherwise for starters your emotion has made you ignore a direct question presented to you. His part of what?
Secondly you're maing the mistake that a lot of women make of projecting your wants into a vaccum. Just because u have a belief of how a relationship works does not mean it is accurate
Finally u prove again women dont understand relationships. If he was always reaching out she wouldn't be nearly as interested. You claim you "cut him loose" advice works like a charm, how many of those same friends are still single wondering why they let a "good" man go? Society only considers your relationship "ideal" based on the value of your husband. Are you even married?

[Vegasrunner]

@HollyK21 I understand your confusion, however there is no nartative to push. I'm simply pointing out to men another example of womens words not being congruent w/ their actions and you're validating it. U claim he needs to be making a mitual effort, but he isn't and the asker is "dying" to talk to him. As a HV man that is the exact positon u should have your women in. This is just a fact and here's evidence. The question guts should be asking is why?

[HollyK21]

@Vegasrunner lol, I addressed your question in both of my responses to you, but to be more direct than I already was: “his part in what?” In initiating conversations. I can’t imagine you’re currently in a relationship with how you approach dating women, but on the off chance you’re taken, how did that relationship start? Were you playing games and making her do all the legwork until you deemed her “worthy of your time” and started reaching out too? Or did you also ask her on dates, call or text to see if she’s alive and/or ask what her day was like? You know, basic attempts at showing her you really give a shit and want to form a relationship with her also. See, you’re saying I don’t understand relationships, yet I’ve been in one for a long time and currently engaged. We both put in the work for each other, not wait around to see who does what first because we’re adults and not immaturely trying to navigate emotions. As for my advice I only have a handful of friends, two are married (one with kids), another has been in her relationship for 5 years and the last is single by choice. I don’t dictate their lives with my advice but it has definitely played a role in one decision or another at some point and fortunately it was helpful.

[HollyK21]

@Vegasrunner I think you may be the one confused, because where did I say he should “always” reach out? Why are you condemning the notion of “mutual” effort? That thought process comes from a place of trauma and negative experiences in the past, not a healthy frame of mind in present time.

[Vegasrunner]

@Adam1978 Correct, but it's important to understand how they think, women are taught to believe that you should view them as special regardless of what they're actually bringing to the table.

[Vegasrunner]

@HollyK21 Excellent question. Currently I have three women Im seeing and because of my background have been fortunate to have been w/ over 250 + women. For me, no one gets my time unless they earn it, I"ve worked hard to earn the right tp have options and cam easily replace any women who doesn't add value. I recognize that most guys can't d that. No I dont spend a lot of time chit chattating w/ women. The phone is for setting dates. in my opinion you dont understand relationships you only understand what you want in a relationship but dont understand what a man wants. I would argue that your own relationship proves that as you've been togetjer "a long time" but are not married. Why has it taken so long for him to committ to you? So half of your friends can't find a man to commit to them based on your advice?

[Adam1978]

Well from my point of view you seem to waste a lot of time on women because if you haven't found one that actually work for you after all that you are really bad at it.

[Vegasrunner]

@HollyK21 I doubt it bevaise you're asking me a question based on something I never said. Men control access to relationships so if a man is reaching out the same amount as the women that relationship is going to fail. For a relationship to work the woman must be the one reaching out and trying to kerp the man. The odd part is you're making the other argument while literally comenting on a post proving my point. From a mans perspective he now can have her whenever he cjooses, which is what men should be striving for. I can't speak to your trauma, as Im not sure what has happened to you to make you accept that thought process.

[HollyK21]

@Vegasrunner lmao please, you’re the last person on earth I’d ever take advice from. But you are, however, a shining example of what men everywhere should aspire NOT to be. Especially at your prehistoric age, pushing 50 with 200+ bodies under your belt lol and for you tote that like a badge of honor is just disgusting and shameful. Anyway, I said what I said and you’re not changing my mind. I will always believe that each person should do their part in a relationship. If you don’t then cool, what you eat doesn’t upset my stomach lol. Now, I’d greatly appreciate if you’d release me from the shackles of this weird ass conversation that you dragged me into, unwarranted. Your frame of mind is just gross and I’m done hearing about it lol my god.

[Vegasrunner]

@HollyK21 I see your confusion, men everywhere aspire to bang as many women as they can its just that so few are able to accomplish this, so they settle for women like u. Thats why society rewards those who can. Also have no intention of changing anyones mind. I simply used this post as a validation for a theory and you have helped w/ that. You literally asked me a question were provided a direct answer and then become emotional because u didn't like the answer. The asker proves why it is important for men to be selective w/ the amount of attention they give them if he were to be providing "mutual interest" the asker would not be as attracted. She's "dying" to talk to him because she is unclear about where she stands and knows deep down that another women may be getting the attention from him that he is seeking. The last person she should be taking advice from is an un married older woman in my opinion.

[HollyK21]

@Vegasrunner “I see your confusion”, that’s where I stopped reading Bc clearly you aren’t a good listener. You’ve been dismissed, so leave me alone☺️

[Vegasrunner]

@HollyK21 Ironically you admit to not reading and then claim the other person isn't a "good listener" this is gold.

[HollyK21]

@Vegasrunner lol, I know you’ve got a little walnut for a brain but put that thing to use sometimes, especially when it comes to comprehension. Me not reading your essay of a paragraph isn’t bad listening, but being told to stop talking to me then choosing not to IS bad listening. Put your pride aside so you can stfu and leave me alone.

[Vegasrunner]

@HollyK21 I can certainly understand your frustration as it can be difficult for women to hear uncomfortable truths. Your behavior is standard as not wanting to hear another POV is indicative of someone who struggled as your failure to become a bride proves. Gl to you.

[HollyK21]

@vegasrunner BYE.

[lightbulb27]

you are a girl... you want him to initiate and him to pursue. maybe you were trained that way.

[BeMuse]

If you were confident in your own worth and abilities, then you'd go after what you want.

[Asker]

But why he doesn’t miss me

[Asker]

I've been frequently texting him first

[BeMuse]

Whatever... Then keep dying... We all take the old dirt nap eventually.

[Asker]

Damnn

[SnowedIn]

That's absurd. If you want to talk to someone, talk to them. Stop waiting for him to message first.

[Ms_Facesitter]

Because of your belief that you lose respect for messaging first.

[msc545]

I don't get what this has to do with "self-respect" at all. Reaching out to someone you want to talk to is not shameful.

[Anonymous]

If you were my crush I'd tell you to dive head in.

[Anonymous]

You mean you just don't really think enough of him to swallow your pride. There, fixed it for you.

[Mayo503]

Just do it ✅ like Nike says lol…
Don’t be shy…

[noohair]

Ok, be alone.

[Fuentes]

Do it anyway