Do I ghost a girl I’ve been talking to for over a year?

[Caz26]

I met a girl over a year ago while at an airport waiting lounge. We connected and a few months later I even went to visit her in her home town and we had drinks together. Now she has moved to the capital where live for work and we had planned to to meet up again when she moved out here but still have not.

We’ve set up plans to meet multiple times and she keeps flaking even when she plans them. We still message a bit over this time about different stuff and she even leaves me voice messages quite often. When she flaked the first time on a meetup I got the impression that she didn’t want to meet up. I told her that if she’s busy with other things it’s no problem, we don’t have to meet. But then she writes that she really wants to see me and sets up another meeting date herself suggesting we can go out for drinks and then she flakes again on the day of. This also happened a second time.

I’ve finally got the impression that despite her messages saying she wants to meet up and is really excited to see me, she actually does not. Do I just ghost her though? Regular norms would dictate I do that but would this be an asshole move on my part given she has seemingly been nice and expresses interest in seeing me (despite never following through) and that we talk semi-often (she’s a local and I’m not from this country so it’s nice to get her insight on things). Is she actually hoping I will stop talking to her and just trying to do it in a way where she’s non-confrontation and seems nice about it? This is the impression I get but since she’s never upfront about it I’m hesitant to completely break off our contact.

So is ghosting her the right thing?

Is there some message I could send her or will it be disingenuous again (if that’s indeed what the others were)?

I wish women would just be more clear, but maybe to women I’m being an idiot and the answer should be obvious 🤷‍♂️

[razelove]

Yeah, I think you'll find that you don't need to go as far as scorched Earth to cut contact though. As soon as you stop being a source of comfort and available for her to talk to whenever, she'll stop being available.

She likes the idea of you, and having that support. When it comes time to pay the piper, she flakes, and probably has another guy providing her that kind of comfort. To bail out the day of when you've traveled out is unacceptable, bail out. Find someone who makes time for you like you do for them.

[BonzoInBitburg]

There's a fine line between ghosting and leaving someone alone. I don't consider it ghosting if you break contact after you try to meet up with someone and they always flake.

[lind_a_b2]

I think you could ask her one more time and also tell her that you are confused. It's time to be clear with each other. Sure you could ghost but where is that going to lead? Either you make a clear cut or you two finally get together! I feel like often men don't understand what women really mean with subtle tones and since I don't know her I can't tell you. But you can ask her.

[Caz26]

Yeah, I’ve sent her a message asking for clarification on the situation. It could be one of two things. Either she is not interested in meeting up and just wants a pen pal or she is wanting me to ask her on a formal date. The thing is that when we met up for drinks a year ago she had mentioned something about her current boyfriend at the time. She has not made clear to me that she is now single so I have been trying to plan more casual hangouts. When I do invite her to coffee or a museum she says she already went there with her friend or her cousin or whatever. She has suggested evening things like drinks herself (but then flaked on those plans).

Anyways, I have also asked in my message if she has a boyfriend and that’s why she isn’t meeting up. If she clarifies that she doesn’t I will ask her on a formal date. If she doesn’t want to meet up with me at all then saying she has a boyfriend (whether she does or not) gives her an out without stringing me along further.

Hopefully I get a helpful answer from her and not another “Yes, I want to see you” and then a flake 🤷‍♂️