Caught in a white lie? What if your boyfriend/girlfriend responded this way?

[cbirnell]

What if you were caught in telling a white lie, and your significant other, instead of responding this way:

"I know you're lying. You can tell me the truth."

*even in a calm tone sound accusatory, right?

Responded this way:

"You don't want to tell me, and that's okay. I don't need to know."

*said in a friendly understanding tone

I'm trying to figure out the best way to approach a lie (even a little white lie) to make someone really feel safe to be honest with me without judgement.

[samhradh_ean]

I would use your second possibility, but I wouldn't add "I don't need to know". The whole point of this is to facilitate honesty. You don't want to put too much pressure on them or make accusations, but you don't want to give them too easy an out, either. I would say something like, "You don't seem to want to talk about it now, and that's okay. I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position. Feel free to tell me when you're ready."

I think this is a good approach because it makes it clear that you know for sure they're lying, which is simpler for everyone involved since suspicion is never an easy thing to deal with. They don't really have to admit to the lie since you already know about it, which actually takes some pressure off of them. It also shows that you aren't judging them for lying, but simply want to know the truth and create a more trusting relationship. It's just open and gentle enough that they shouldn't feel ambushed, but they WILL feel like they ultimately need to tell the truth, which will help you progress towards a more honest relationship.

[cbirnell]

Great answer!

[samhradh_ean]

Thanks!

[ZenQueen]

I would make it seem like not a big deal and joke about it, get them comfortable... But maybe not then and there, it could take some time, I will wait till they are completely relaxed and the trust is there and then ask. I am pretty good at this because my brother is autistic and compulsively lies, It's just a matter of establishing trust, him knowing I won't attack him about it and that I am only there to help.

[cbirnell]

This is a very nice answer.

[Yriuqni]

Both ways can be harsh .. I would go with something like " Oh come on , are you sure this is the truth?".. or "Hmm..but your not lying to me, are you?" .. or you can say nothing, with just a look you can make a person feel that you know they are lying!

[samhradh_ean]

I understand why those ideas might seem gentler because they are less direct. But in fact, they may undermine a trusting atmosphere even more, because they sound condescending and suspicious. They won't encourage honesty because they don't create any positive incentive to admit to the lie.

[cbirnell]

That could work. But the lies I have in mind feel a little more heavy than that. Imagine the person is afraid of being judged.

Ha, I've just sat quiet before and that's only put someone in a defensive rant with me!

[cbirnell]

That makes a lot of sense. Samhradh ean, what would you say to a lie?

[Yriuqni]

@samhradh : yeah it's true .. but I concentrated only on letting the person know that I know he's lying .. that's all.. I didn't wanna make it too embarrassing :) .. this is however the way I deal with people whom I think they are lying.. but it depends on your character and the person who's lying of course :)

[samhradh_ean]

I feel like that would be more embarrassing to most people, because it does let them know that you're suspicious, but it:

a. Provides no clear direction or support for them; they have to take a huge plunge by saying, "Actually, yes, I was lying."

b. Doesn't do anything to create a comfortable, accepting, understanding atmosphere.

[samhradh_ean]

But different things do work for different people.

[martyfellow]

'The "I don't need to know line may sound friendly, but they are really saying that if you really care for them, you'll tell them.

Ther aren't white lies in a relationship, actually. You can't pick and choose when you tell the truth and expect someone to ever really trust you.

Sure they might be understanding, but it will be understanding at a distance!

[cbirnell]

I agree with this fully. However, lots of times the guys I date are plagued by unhealthy past relationships. So I guess maybe my question then would be, "How to get a guy out of a defensive frame of mind, and accept that you are accepting of him and will not judge him?"

[martyfellow]

Only time will do this. He'll have to see that you don't come down on him when he opens up to you...

[WeaponZero]

The second one is definitely the better of the two but depending on the person neither approach may work. It's possible none may because he will see it as you calling him out on a lie.

[cbirnell]

Any advice on how to better respond to a boyfriends white lie?

[WeaponZero]

to be perfectly honest I think that the second one is about as good as you can hope to get. if he's the type who that won't cut it for, then he's the type nothing will cut it for.

[Anonymous]

So, were you the one that caught the lie, or were you the one that got caught lying?

[cbirnell]

I caught someone in a lie. I want an honest relationship. I think even white lies damage trust. When you catch someone in a lie they risk losing much more than a hit to their pride by telling the truth. In a relationship, they risk judgement from someone they truly love. If your girlfriend knew you were lying, what could she say to make you feel safe to tell the truth?

[Opinion Owner]

Well, I'm the same way. I honestly think white lies are the worst... because if you can't be honest about something trivial, then you clearly can't be honest about something serious.

The second one is probably the better of the two, but I wouldn't say either.

If she knew I was lying and had proof so I know she knows... Then she could say... Just be honest with me. It's not that big of a deal, but if you continue to lie about it... it is a big deal. I can't trust you if you lie to my face.

[cbirnell]

I like that response best.