Why does my girlfriend treat me more like a best friend?

[Anonymous]

I've recently broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years because I was utterly bored with the relationship. What's really confusing about this situation is that we are madly in love with each other. I've had many girlfriends in the past and I was very happy to have found her. This is her first serious relationship. She had a unique upbringing. She comes from a very strict family and at first they treated me horribly. We were 18 when we started going out and now we are 22. I'm a very good guy in my opinion. I'm studying engineering and plan on doing graduate school, I don't do drugs, I respect my family and everyone around me, and most importantly I treated her very well. Long story short, 2 years ago I told her that I don't understand why her parents don't like me. I broke up with her because of her parents but then a week later I took her back because I thought it was a silly reason to lose someone so good. I knew the juice was worth the squeeze. Now my relationship with her parents is much better. However, I find myself so utterly bored. She told me from the beginning that she wants to abstain from sex until marriage and I totally understood because that was something I wanted as well. We do get intimate (but no sex) but every time we do I feel like a pervert because I feel that she's only doing it to service me or something. The problem is I'm always the one that initiates anything. Even kissing, touching, etc. I feel like she's doing me a favor. We haven't made out in 3 months because I didn't initiate. Before that, if I would initiate she would stop after a few seconds and it left me just getting upset. Essentially I feel so unsatisfied. I started going out with an old friend to clubs and bars and have caught myself fancying other girls. Not the simple attraction, but the 'I really want to talk to her and get to know her'. I felt guilty for this because I wouldn't be able to cheat on anyone. I just want to get intimate with her. I'm always there for her emotionally; there to talk, to hug. She keeps talking about babies and marriage and how she sees our life in the future. I feel like I'm married now and the ring and wedding in the future will be just formality. The problem is though, this girl is just SO damn comfortable with me. I have never seen the lingerie I bought her 2 years ago. She won't even make out with me. I told her that I wanted a break recently and explained myself and she was hysterical. We are still madly in love with each other but I need more in our relationship than being there for her when she needs a hug and cuddling after dinner. I'm 22 and I feel like I'm 60. I want to have fun and be excited. I can't handle this, I don't know what to do. It's really hard to explain this but we are amazing with each other emotionally and intellectually. Like soul mates really. Yet I just don't want to be so sexually frustrated all the time. And yes, I've told her many times in the past about my feelings.

[nickstavros87]

First of all, sex is never intimacy, intimacy is what you already have. Closeness and friendship define intimacy perfectly. I made the mistake of thinking the same in a relationship very similar to yours. I thought that it would bring us closer together if we "made love" and most times when we did get in to it, I felt guilty because I knew that she was only doing it to please me. Most times even when we kissed I felt like a pig because of the way she associated sexual activity with damnation and pain. It was clearly her upbringing; however, one cannot unlearn those insecurities over night. Long story short, she turned out to really enjoy sex, but she would soon after become overwhelmed with grief that it really was not worth the trouble. Eventually, these episodes led to resentment on both of our parts and we could no longer stand each other. This happened over the course of a year or so. I truly believed that I was in love with her, but I was incapable of loving her in the way that she needed to be loved.

Many people associate some sort of deviant feelings with sex which often makes it a touchy subject especially with women in religious organizations. With which there is nothing wrong with, You may just not be ready to have that kind of relationship and the hard part about your situation would be to reconcile the friendship as well as claim your freedom.

Currently I am in a relationship where I have sex and make love with my partner on a daily basis, even with this kind of activity it is dificult to get in to the moment after a long day. What I am trying to say is that you will always encounter problems in relationship, and no matter what anyone tells you, relationships require painful sacrifices sometimes. loving others the way that they need to be loved feels impossible most times but if you are willing to make those sacrifices, it is often worth the trouble in the end.

[sweet_18]

Maybe she is not interested in sex right now. Maybe just wait a bit or maybe talk to her about your concerns. Communication is key in relationships

[Shlei3]

And what are her responses when you tell her about those feelings?

[Asker]

Her response is basically tearing up and saying that she is a bad girlfriend and that she doesn't know why she's not into it... she always says it's stress, work, etc. Yet, even when she is happy and rested I still get the best friend treatment. I'm so confused.

[Shlei3]

I would tell her that things need to change otherwise the relationship bit will need to be re-evaluated. Affection is important and if she feels she cannot give that then it does indicate problems. Might as well be friends.

[Anonymous]

Marry her.

[Asker]

How would that solve the problem?

[Opinion Owner]

What is left for you to do? You indicate that she is/was perfect and you guys get along famously. So what is the delay? Seems like time to commit and then enjoy the new level of closeness that you guys get after. Physical and otherwise.

[Asker]

Why would I commit if our relationship is dry and there is no physical aspect? Yes, we get along great; we connect, emotionally and intellectually. But there's more to it then just that no? Besides, I'm already very committed and invested in the relationship. My problem is that I get the best friend treatment. How do I know for sure that after marriage we get intimate? Might not be the case and I'm not willing to take the risk.

[Opinion Owner]

You know that she has a all the baggage and damage from a super strict family. She is probably terrified of taking the initiative due to being constantly shut down at home. You both agreed to hold off until marriage so it seems you are there. Time to commit since you don't want to quit.

[stephen742]

Wow, I'm walking in your shoes right now bro. Please, I don't know if you'll see this after all this time, but if you do, let me know how things worked out for you, and what decisions you've made since. I could really use the info, I'm close to drawing a line with her here and I just don't want to make a mistake.