The moment of truth.
It is a triumphant moment for a young man. The high of approaching the cashier girl whom I am sweet on and also overcoming my fear of approaching an unfamiliar person has finally subsided. In hopes of reaping the rewards of my bold stunt my mind is focused on receiving a message or a call from her. Every once in a while I check the screen of my mobile phone for anything new. The screen does flash new notifications every now and then but none of them are from a new number. Every single message tone from my phone makes the butterflies in my stomach go crazy as I hope for the best and dream of the girl for whom I had shed my heart. April Fool's day and the Monday after are days of constant suspense. As roughly forty-eight hours have passed my fridge shows signs of emptiness and signals the inevitable: my first trip to the ever so familiar supermarket since I had given the card to the cashier girl. She hasn't responded to my approach yet and it makes me feel slightly uneasy. "Could it be that she wasn't into me after all?" I contemplate the possibilities in my head. "She showed numerous signals, otherwise I wouldn't have approached her?"
With question marks in my mind I take a commute to the supermarket. As I walk the hallways I see two young cashier women walk towards me and looking at me, irrational questions raise their heads in my thoughts: "What if those girls are aware of my recent stunt?" As I proceed to pay for my things at the cash register area I see the cashier girl facing my direction, rougly two cash registers in front of me. This is the first time I see her since I gave her the card and conquered my fears. Uncertainty fills my mind as I identify this moment being a very crucial one. It is make or break, one repellant look or facial gesture from her could mean the end of what seemed like a cinderella story so far.
One repellant look or facial gesture from her could mean the end of what seemed like a cinderella story.
My attention is drawn to her face which looks somehow "messy" as if she had cried, stayed up all night or if she had been drinking too much. I feel genuine concern for her as she finally lifts her head and notices me. As she sees me she looks away quickly, disinterested. She ignores me. For a moment my world sinks as I drown in confusion and feel the feeling so many people feel when they realize their romantic feelings are not reciprocated.
My world sinks as I feel the feeling so many people feel when their romantic feelings are not reciprocated.
Step forward and grab a hold of a blazing nerve cell for a ride along an electric tunneled path inside one romantic man's mind. As question marks upon question marks keep piling up on top of each other you can almost hear their tails knock the floor.
Romance channel. Ever since the beginning I was aware of there being a possibility that it wouldn't work out, but that was contrary to the signals I read from you. I had carefully observed you for weeks just to be sure that you were enthusiastic about our interaction beyond your 'cashier code'. You captured my attention by going the extra mile to make me notice you, it wasn't before you started chasing me that I became sweet on you.
Everything is blindingly white. Soon the memories come back in crystal clear shape.
1. "Do you remember when you first made your presence known by intently looking at me as if I meant something to you?"
2. "Do you remember the multiple times you suddenly came to serve at my cash register when you could have picked any of the twenty other cash registers?"
3. "Do you remember that time when you laid your eyes on me twice in an enticing manner two cash registers in front of me?"
4. "Do you remember how you saw me walking between the candy shelves and followed me just to hang out at the same cash register where I was paying?"
5. "Do you remember when you saw me and smiled to me when we saw each other in the middle of the hallway?"
6. "Do you remember how we gazed at each other at the cash register and again after I had walked far away?'
7. "Do you remember how you went out of your way to express concern about me not having a bag for my groceries by asking "whether I needed one" even though you knew customers are perfectly capable of grabbing a bag for themselves before they pay?"
These thoughts, dangerously close to being a twisted lyrical perversion of Marillion's "Kayleigh", are a reflection of one man's heart feeling betrayed.
Pride sector. I feel led on, played and humiliated. No, you don't owe anything to me but you had made me believe it would be alright to approach you. All the years of closely learning about female psyche from women in my life have taught me to be extremely sensitive to your non-verbal cues and gestures. Yes, I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. But I simply refuse to believe you weren't interested.
Hurt locker. You charmed me and I trusted you. I made a decision to take a risk to become vulnerable and show you that I cared. I should have known. The game was over even before I ever saw you again. But it's okay. Because a better girl out there will appreciate my heart. You on the other hand, I'm happy that you showed your true colours before you could hurt me worse. It never was an issue for me to accept your possible decision of not wanting to know me, what makes me see red is your rude and disrespectful behaviour towards me by leading me on.
The conclusion. It truly was a story for the ages despite having an ending I couldn't anticipate. I actually have you to thank for something. It was you who made me beat my fears and doing so I grew as a person and learned more about myself. And in the aftermath I learned to be wary of certain women who act like you.
By the way. You're water under the bridge. I will not fancy you anymore.
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