Guy's Behavior

What Do You Do When Your Life Ceases To Mean Anything?

(This post is just me getting shit off my chest. Writing about it helps me purge the emotions. No one needs to read it, and it doesn't matter to you. It's just my own self-therapy.)

I'm seriously in a bad mood today. I had an argument with a friend. She doesn't understand why I hate what I am. Why I loathe it. Why I say my life ended at 21 an all this shit beyond that means nothing. I seriously fucking hate feeling this way. Having a problem I cannot fix. Living a life that has long since been over. What the fuck even am I? I'm a zombie. A walking corpse. I don't even know.

To put things as simply as possible, I knew my destiny since the day I was born. The good one, that is. What I was meant to do. Who I was meant to be. But... This entire fucking life of mine, feels wrong. It feels like someone literally time traveled, went back into my childhood, and ruined it, and that I'm living some alternate 1985-to-present like from Back To The Future II. ALL OF IT, feels wrong. NONE of it feels right.

And whoever this time traveler was, poisoned me. They did something to me. So that I developed the medical term "Precocious Puberty." No one treats it like it's a disability, but I seriously believe it 100% is. No one understands that, though. What it's like to feel like half a human. To be incomplete. To be an aborted fetus who was still "birthed" anyway. People don't get it.

This person who I thought was a friend, or at the very least someone who I could trust, doesn't get it. I was denied my entire existence. Literally, my whole adult life. Taken away from me. And while I hate to use the awful, overused term "victim," I do feel like I had something happen to me that I, in no way, had any control over. I'm not that term, however, I do loathe the inability to control this.

Think of any person, female or male, who was legitimately rap ed. Think of anyone who was on the other end of a drunk driver or reckless river. Think of a truly innocent person who was shot for being at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Think of any of the non-bullies involved in a mass/school shooting... The world is full of unfairness and tragedy. What is worse, though? A premature death? Or the taking of one's life while they're still alive? I truly do not know. Quick and painless but tragic, or slow and ruthless but unsympathetic?

I truly 100% believe in justice and retribution. I truly do. I know karma doesn't exist in real life, and that bad people get away with things daily, and many innocent people die or suffer for no reason. I truly hate that, though. And it's why I'm not religious. I could not respect any deity or higher power that willfully watches by and lets people suffer when they could do something about it. Karma can exist in the universe without it interfering with free will. To see innocent people die and suffer for no reason, is beyond infuriating. So I 100% would be the type to help the innocent and punish the guilty, if I could. Because I've been there. I've suffered injustice. I've had my life taken away from me without being the victim of rape or watching my family executed by criminals.

The indifference doesn't piss me off, though. It's the lack of sympathy or empathy. If you don't care about suffering in the world, then so be it. I can get that. But what angers me, is when people dismiss it, like it's no big deal. Like, "So you just got rap ed; get over it, ya big baby." That's the kind of shit that'd make me feel like grabbing a knife and aiming for the jugular. You know, in a daydream. I had my own tragedy. I don't care if no one else cares. But what pisses me off is when people try to downplay it or dismiss it. It truly does show a callousness and cruelty that's unnecessary.

In my case, I usually get backhanded compliments. Those piss me off so much more. Not the "I don't understand" comments, but the "I don't think you're really x" comments. It's like, HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW? And it's almost always from those more fortunate, too. I use the analogy, "it's like Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk calling homeless people 'lazy' because they can't just go get a job and become a millionaire in six months."

This kind of willful ignorance and stupidity really fucking pisses me off. It's like CHOOSING to be an asshole. If someone has a major problem that eats at them every day and they have no will to even live because the condition is permanent and literally nothing is left out there, then just brushing it off and going "An average person wouldn't care" is so fucked up and dismissive. Like I'm supposed to give a flying fuck what the average nobody thinks about a very personal and deep trauma that I'm going through thinks. I don't give two shits what any nameless faceless nobodies would think. These people aren't me, and I'm sure as fuck not them.

Again, this whole EXISTENCE feels so fucking wrong. This would be the literal "Worse Timeline" of anything, if there ever was one. Joe Biden is US president, Communist China is damn near a superpower, Russia is powerful enough to invade another country, retarded feminists and fuckwits rule society, and the most incompetent fucking morons out there are billionaires running Hollywood and woke corporations like Lucasfilm and Warner Bros. Is there literally anything good about the 2020s? Maybe Spider-Man: No Way Home?

Again, I quite literally have no point to my existence right now. I'm not suicidal and I don't want to die. But I have been searching for a new purpose in life for ten years now. Ten fucking years. At 18, I had given up all hope of fixing what's physically wrong with me. At 21, I was legit suicidal and had no reason to keep going. At 25, I had met someone to save me, only for her to literally die herself, while I kept lumbering on as a walking corpse, and I blame myself for her death, because she probably would've never died in that apartment fire had she not met me.

So since late 2012, I've had no purpose to keep going. Old me; pre-18 me, wanted to literally change the world. I knew shit was bad even then. I grew up with an abusive mother in one of the shittiest fucking cities in America, Filth-adelphia. Things were never good for me. I never had a good childhood, but at least other people were given good genetics in those situations unlike me.

And while I never really told this story on GAG before, one night in 1992, my drunken fucking bitch mom with a blood alcohol level of 0.30% had decided on a coin flip if she'd drive home that night. Heads she'd spent the night in her car, and Tails, she would've driven home. A "family friend" told me it landed on heads and that's why she didn't come home that night. If it landed on tails, she very likely would've been dead due to drunk driving. Only this person said it like it was a good fucking thing. If not a malicious time traveler, then I think that coin flip is what fucked up my life. If that cunt landed on Tails, she'd probably have died that night, I would've been raised by my much more caring grandmother, and I'd have solid meals every night, and might not have even gotten Precocious Puberty. I'd be a fully grown healthy adult! I'd have continued being an athlete. I might have even been happy.

To think, my fucked up health, genetics, and life, could have been due to the result of a coin flip. I wouldn't have what's essentially a handicap if not for that coin flip, potentially. I think about that, a lot. One of several possibilities where the timeline got fucked up and I ended up in this shitty-ass dystopia of Joe Biden, and the Chinese Communist Party. Maybe in the Multiverse, 9/11 never happened, I joined the military as a Marine in the 2000s, and the US declared war on China, far before they were the near-superpower they were today. The CCP doesn't exist, North Korea doesn't exist, and the evil scum controlling Biden and gang at the World Economic Forum, wouldn't still exist. A long-shot, but just maybe.

All I know is, this isn't how my life was supposed to end up. Handicapped in all by legality and then being told by fucking retards that my existence doesn't matter because to them, I'm just another faceless, nameless nobody who's life objectively means nothing. Being called "average" and worthless, among other things. And it only pisses me off because prior to 18, NO ONE would've ever looked at my life as being so disposable and objectively worthless. No one in a million years would've called me mediocre or disposable. I wouldn't have been handicapped in such a way.

I was an intelligent, kind, helpful person. But when shit happened to me, no one was there to help me. Not at 18, and besides my one relationship with Kaitlyn, not since then. And now, I have people once again calling me fucking worthless and a human being worth shooting in the back of the head like it's nothing. This is what people think of me, nowadays. I devoted half my early life to helping others, trying to improve this shitty, fucked up society that hurts millions everyday. Only for people who I thought were friends to look at me like I'm fucking lower than dirt. Objectively worthless. Average. A flesh bag of failed sem en and shitty garbage DNA, walking around instead of being used to make Soylent Green or fertilizer or some shit.

And I'm not supposed to be angry at that? I'm supposed to be called objectively worthless by someone I thought was nice, and just accept that as "okay"?

I thought I could be the flower that grew out of the pile of cow shit. I thought wrong. Maybe I got stepped on, early on. I wanted to change the world for the better, and tried to do everything I could about that. But this whole entire timeline can't be saved. It's dead. Destroy it all. This fucking time traveler needs to go back in time and un-Biff all this shit. Or maybe talk my mother into driving home that night, so I could have a better life.

Yeah, that sounds selfish, but if you knew this piece of shit, you'd understand more. I have zero positive emotions for my mother, whatsoever. None. Nadda. She doesn't suspect this though, cause she's always been an extreme narcissist. She thinks I love her, despite all the years of verbal abuse and fights. I'm like a sociopath when it comes to how little I care about her well-being. And I really wish I COULD care, but I don't. I really wish I DID have an actual loving mother and someone to treat as such, but I don't. That cunt is part of the reason I spent 14 years in therapy. From 17 to 31. The health problem, medical condition, and lack of growth, is the other reason.

Guys on GAG try to ask me why don't I seek out a woman, despite the handicap? I try to explain to them that unlike every other dude in my situation, I'm not looking to simp to a woman and be her dog and pet just because of the inferiorities that developed within me. I've been through abuse by a woman before. I'm not trying to do that again. Literally all other men in my situation do that, though. They simp. They beg. They get down on their knees and lick a woman's boots. That's not love. That's simpery. That's abuse.

And that's the crux of the issue. All I ever wanted was love. To BE loved. To have someone love me. And hell, I'd share the love, too. It wouldn't have to be finite or a limited resource. But I never had that. I never had it, at home. I never had it through various attempts at dating in my 20s besides Kaitlyn, maybe. And having this fucking Precocious Puberty disability ensures I'll quite literally NEVER have that, in my entire existence. Women are fucking fickle. Not that I blame them. If they see me as "average" and some fucking worthless waste of sem en as it is, then I don't blame them.

I don't blame anyone, in fact. I'm not an incel; I don't get mad at women for being alone. But I do fucking get mad at myself every single day, for not doing something to fix what I didn't know I had. For not maybe somehow convincing my mother to go drunk driving over the phone or something. For not seeing a doctor more regularly to maybe do something about the condition keeping me from ever finding love, despite never having medical insurance until I was 25. I just feel like there's SOMETHING I could've done, to avoid this handicap. The fucked up childhood could've maybe even been avoided, had I know the magic secret back then.

There's so many regrets of things I could've done. Ways I could've fixed this utterly pointless existence of mine. This "after life" I'm un-living in. I can't even help others. I try to help others every day in my job and still feel like I'm replaceable because people often call m that; "average." Worthless. Meaningless. Objectively without value. As common and worthless as humanly possible. As much as I try to put a unique spin on my job and make sure everyone has a good time.

This fucking person has got me typing for over an hour now. All because they're too fucking stupid to have empathy. To understand this fucked up handicapped existence of mine. To understand that this "non-life" of mine, should have never existed and is all some dark, fucked up detour of the proper timeline. They don't understand it. And they have no intentions to. Instead, they'll sit around and fucking insult me with the lowest of the low, imply that I'm worthless and that another sperm should've taken my place. To fucking call me "average" as if I shot their dog and rap ed their mother or something. I'm not so disposable. Only my body is.

There's literally nothing I can do to fix being broken. All my hopes and dreams died once when I was 18, again when I was 21, and a third time when I was 25 when my girlfriend and soon-to-be-fiancée literally died. What is even the point of this existence? This whole fucking timeline of Biden and CCP shit shouldn't even exist. In the REAL 2022, I bet you they're all on Mars and shit and we can actually get a good fucking DC or Star Wars movie, for once.

That's enough keyboard therapy for me, tonight.

What Do You Do When Your Life Ceases To Mean Anything?
What Do You Do When Your Life Ceases To Mean Anything?
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