Recently, (and when I say recently, I mean within the last few days), I have had thoughts of taking my own life. The only real thing that keeps me from carrying it out is my belief in God. That really is the only reason. I decided to write this because I think me doing this will have some benefit for a few people. The reason why I feel this way is largely due to an immense feeling of loneliness in my life, and its been that way for many years. I won't go into too long of a history, but basically, I don’t have the greatest relationship with my family (a family which at the moment is quite broken), nor many of my friends, (including some on this website) and my love life is not so stellar. I’m the kind of guy who may not necessarily be the fastest, or the physically strongest, but I feel like I’ve at least always had the endurance to make it through to the end. Lately though, a lot of that fire has been burning out. I know there are people on here who can understand this, but for those that don’t, I’ll tell you what it feels like. It feels like to get any sort of care or attention from anybody, I have to pay a higher price compared to everyone else. I pay $20 for the same care that everyone else pays 2 cents for, if you want an analogy for it. It’s not easy for me, especially as a guy to express that I’m going through problems like this, because its so often misconstrued, and you’re so often ridiculed for not being strong enough as a man to handle first world problems. I mean the bright side is that I’m not starving to death, and my health could be worse. Despite this though, it doesn’t change the fact that I feel super unvalued, isolated and almost like a waste of space. I’ve felt this way for a long time, but it’s something that has progressively gotten worse. There is so much more I’d like to say on this, but I just think it would be too much to handle. Even anonymously, I'm embarrassed to even go further.
I’m really writing this for two reasons. The first reason is that I honestly wanted to get this off my chest, but the second reason is that I want to give people a little insight on one more thing. People are always surprised to hear about one of their loved ones committing suicide. They usually are shocked, because the person seemed quite fine to them just a few days prior, and they wish that if they had only known sooner, they might have done something. After going through these kind of negative feelings myself, I’m starting to understand why that seems to be the case. GaG for me has become something more than what it was originally. Before it was just about getting advice, but these days it has been more and more about meeting new people and getting that sort of interaction that people don’t give me in real life when i put myself out there. A lot of you reading this actually know who i am, as i am a fairly well known GaG user, and I’m sure many of you would be surprised to find out I was going through this. A lot of people who are going through these issues, especially men, are VERY good at hiding it, because they’ve been doing it for years out of necessity to fit in and be accepted.
On GaG, I'm usually very happy, easy going, approachable, and i like to kid around often. But that is not a reflection of what is going on on the inside. I may appear happy, but i can assure you that I am not. Inside, I'm actually quite sad. Disappointingly so. The only reason I appear happy is because I know its necessary in order for me to maintain the few interactions/relationships that I do have. No one wants to be around someone who seems depressed all the time, so I've become very good at not looking depressed whatsoever.
It’s unfortunate, but GaG increasingly has started to mirror my real world situation, where I’ve lost a lot of friends for one reason or another. It’s at the point where it has become a great labour to get any sort of interaction from people on here. There would be days where I’d send messages to new people, trying to get to know them better, or old users who I’ve never talked to before… only to have them either ignore my message, or randomly stop responding mid way through a conversation. Not that I am blaming them, as these tend to be good people. But they are also the kind of people who would be surprised to hear that i committed suicide the next day, and would probably wonder why i never reached out to them. So like my real life, my “online life” is becoming one where I increasingly feel isolated, alone, not worth the space. I say this only because I have a sneaking suspicion that there are a good number of guys and girls alike on here who are going through similar issues, and use GaG in a similar way to try and connect with people who wouldn’t otherwise spend the time of day with them outside of here.
I think that people who end up committing suicide do so because they feel like no one cares to read the subtle alarm bells that things are bothering them. The loneliness becomes smothering, and they feel that if no one cares about them, why should they even bother anymore? I mean, if no one acknowledges them now, who will even miss them when they are gone. I’ve gone through the exact same thought process, especially recently, and it just hit me as to why people end up doing it.
My hope is that after writing this, you will take a look at your followers list, or a question where the OP seems perturbed, or perhaps a friend who seems perfectly fine…and ask them (with a genuine interest) if they are feeling okay. I’m telling you as someone who feels like dying, that I would pay so much to get that sort of unsolicited care from a person. Most of the time, they will be okay. But sometimes that extra little effort you put in to making someone feel cared for can go a long way in changing their mood. And if you learned anything from this take, I hope it was that you can’t really make too many assumptions about anyone. The most happy, “popular” person you know on here could be the person who is suffering the most on the inside, especially men..mainly because we are conditioned to not speak when something is bothering us, and when we do, its often ridiculed.
The truth is that the internet really is that last life line for a lot of people going through rough times. The kinds of things you do/say to people online can honestly tip the scale one way or another, because a lot of people come here as a form of escapism. I was so uncomfortable about writing this, that i really had no choice but to go anonymous. But I’ve been talking to one or two people recently, and it has really made me reinforce my belief that you just can’t make assumptions about anyone on here. Regardless of whether the person has 1 follower or 100, the person can be suffering on the inside, just as badly as anybody else you know. In fact, a lot of the people who seem to have a lot of friends only get messaged by one or two people. All I’m saying really is that if this myTake inspires you to do anything, my hope is that you ask either a random person, a follower, or a person who you follow if they are doing alright. You never know how much that one little action can do.
and P.S. I’d like to give a shoutout to a user who I think does a great job at reaching out to people. Some of you know him as doctorwhofan23. What he does is very simple, but he’s very consistent about it. He reaches out to people often from what i’m told and based on what i see. A simple hi, how are you every now and then is really all he does, but its really something others, including myself, have come to appreciate. Thank him for it, if you ever see him about on here.