I hate myself and it's ruining my relationship!

[Anonymous]

Basically I hate how I look, though I often feel dumb and talentless too. I just see many prettier girls around me, who're also much more intelligent and more talented. I also happen to know my boyfriend has this beauty ideal that I'm just not (Monica Bellucci, I'd say, is his perfect woman, he just loves her).

And I've been called ugly my whole life! Before he ever even mentioned these hot actresses he's into, I rarely felt that bad about my appearance, but once he told me, it triggered this sort of chain reaction in me, like panic, and deception, that I'm not his ideal. Not that he thinks I'm ugly, but I definitely don't have most of what he considers most attractive.

And he blames me, says it's all MY problem and that it's making him feel less affectionate towards me. That even if I don't intend to, I'm driving him away, and that he doesn't want to break up, but he feels I don't really love him if I haven't changed my insecurities. He wants me to stop feeling ugly, but what does he know? Has he been mocked his ENTIRE life over being ugly? No!

And now I know I'm not his ideal and yeah right you could say "but he's with you and not with other more ideal girls" but IT HURTS WHEN AN "IDEAL" GIRL WALKS BY and he looks because I know he thinks she's hotter. He's told me "There are hotter chicks, but who cares? I'm with you, so what if I think they're hotter?".

Well, it hurts and he doesn't get it. To him beauty is something so common it seems, but not to me. I've never been beautiful, I've always been called ugly, and I grew up thinking it would be impossible for me to find a boyfriend or that ANYONE would find me pretty. You can imagine the kind of comments I've received, and that I still hear from time to time, even in college!

I just don't know what to do. Please don't say "lose weight" 'cause I'm not fat, but I have unfixable problems like the shape of my jaw, my eyes are small, my lips are thin and I have sparse hair and I wish I had pale skin and bigger, rounder boobs. As I said, his ideal is Monica Bellucci, that type of body and face.

I just feel so ugly, especially when I watch TV or see magazines, even though they Photoshop these women, I've seen candid photos of them without make up and they still look better.

I just hate myself and everyone says "accept yourself, accept others are prettier and move on" but I feel like that would be giving up and losing the battle. People always say it's the inside that matters, but people don't look at you and say "oh she's really smart and funny". Plus there are tons of smart and funny women who're also beautiful.

Everyone treats me like scum for feeling ugly, like it was the worst thing ever, but isn't it normal? And if I've been called ugly my whole life, then what if I feel ugly? what the Hell can I do, I just can't accept or love myself, I hate how I look! A simple make over wouldn't change it. And I hate fake solutions. Should I just give up on relationships? Maybe I'm flawed.

[DudeManWachamacallit]

First off, you need to stop being so hard on yourself! I know what you mean about being called ugly, I heard it every day from my "friends", bastards, I wish they'd shrivel up and die a horrible painful death for the hell they put me through almost making me kill myself in high school. Nothing I did pleased them, my changing of style, getting the "right" hair cut, "acting cool" around them, NOTHING WORKED! But do you know what did work? Perseverance. I will tell you one thing and damn it you had better listen to me! IF YOUR BOYFRIEND CONSTANTLY TELLS YOU THAT STUFF ABOUT OTHER "HOTTER" ACTRESSES AND NOTICES OTHER WOMEN AND TELLS YOU ALL ABOUT HOW YOU AREN'T PRETTY AND STUFF, HE. DOES. NOT. REALLY. CARE. ABOUT. YOU! No man or woman or anyone on the face of this earth can compare to you, you are an individual and there is only one of you! I am so damn sick and tired of this F-ing society consuming one victim after another just because they say "you aren't pretty enough"! Bullsh*t! I am willing to bet, and guarantee you that there are about a million people that have heard things like you have all your life, people that crave to be loved FOR WHO THEY ARE. and I am here to tell you as living proof that there is an end to it, but you will not like it at all and it will be the toughest struggle you have ever undertaken. When someone tells you or you get wind of them thinking or saying that you aren't attractive, just think about what makes you better than them, which is the fact that you most likely would not ever dare say something like that to their faces, and that instantly makes you prettier and more rich in spirit than them. Next, you've gotta start ignoring them..I know, impossible right? Maybe at first, but start now by building up walls, like if you see someone criticizing you with their eyes or words, just turn on your ipod or start reading from your text book, or both! Turn the other cheek!

Yes, it might be true that you weren't given a perfect face and breasts, but I promise you that your future husband will not really care about that, because think about it, who does a person truly fall in love with, their bodies, or the person who makes that person an individual? If they have ANY SENSE OF PROPRIETY, they will fall in love with the beautiful person that is you! Our bodies deteriorate, and get old, I highly doubt any of us will care what you look like when you've been married to the same person for 60 years +. It's just not realistic, I mean, come on, people need to get real! So you go out there this week and you show them just who is TRULY attractive! :)

[38rakia38]

I used to actually try and dress so that you couldn't tell I was a girl.

I was the awkward girl in 4th grade with boobs. Puberty hit my ass at a young age, and I felt for the longest time like there was something wrong with me. I never have *liked* my appearance, so I decided to try and hide how attractive I actually was.

I've had horrible acne for a long time, still do to this day as a matter of fact. And yes, I still have a hard time believing sometimes that I'm actually physically attractive.

It's true what your boyfriend is saying, the more you put yourself down and feel like crap about yourself, the more crappy you will look.

I started wearing sexy underwear (I know this sounds ridiculous, but it really worked for me), like lingerie type underwear when I'd wear clothes. Because then, with that sexy underwear it made me *feel* sexy. The better you feel about yourself, the better you appear.

I used to feel like the ugly duckling, so I know what your going through, but you have to pick out the things, the features you like about yourself. There has to be something, anything, that you really pride yourself on.

Hollywood is glamorous, but it's fake. The personalities some of those women have are absolutely hideous, trust me, I live 10 minutes from Hollywood. Those glamorous women, all the they have going for them are their looks.

Guess what, no matter how much plastic surgery they get, no matter how much they try to stay the sex symbol of the world--they're going to get old and wrinkly like the rest of us, or end up looking like Joan Rivers (that woman has a TON OF PLASTIC SURGERY).

My Hollywood role model is Sigorney Weaver, in the movie series Alien, she was a muscular bad ass who didn't wear make up and didn't give a f*** about her looks (she just wanted to kick some alien ass).

Look at my profile pictures, I'm no model. Far from it. I could tick off my list of issues with my body but they'd fill this page. I don't have super ginormous boobies, I don't have a great ass. I don't have a lot of things. There are probably characteristics you have that you like. I don't worry about my flaws anymore, because, we all get old, and we all end up looking like sh*t anyway. Why waste my life trying to be "perfect" or "sexy". I'm too young for that sh*t and so are you.

[MixMastaKDizzle]

I completely understand how you must feel. Porn is such a huge turn off for me in relationships because it clearly shows the type of woman he’s into. Most often I’m not that girl in any form. That’s painful. One solid piece of advice I could give that isn’t bullshit is that you HAVE to find that 1 thing about yourself you DO like and exploit the hell out of it until you can start doing that for other things. You have to actually lie to yourself if you’re that far in self loathing. Instead of “I hate myself; I’m ugly; I’m not good enough” lie lie lie and say “I’d fuck me!” Sexual prowress has little to do with attractiveness and a whole ton to do with energy. Feel yourself girl! Fake it til you make it