How to stop being the nice guy?

[Anonymous]

I'm a 23 year old male, graduating with a degree in engineering next year. I'm a senior design project team leader, and I do well at school. I have a great circle of friends, and have an easy time making friends with different circles. I have a varied amount of interests, and enjoy just about any conversation.

Here's the thing: I can't seem to get a girl to be interested in me romantically.

And this is confusing because I have an easy time becoming friends with girls, and MOST girls who meet me actually end up considering me a very good friend. They all have great things to say about me, and they consider me highly among their friends. Not only cause I'm fun, but because I can have a genuine talk and listen well.

Because of this, I've become attracted to girls who never had romantic interest in me, and this is causing problems for me.

The advice I've gotten from people who know me well is identical wherever I go: "you're too nice."

I'm sure there's a lot to unpack in that phrase, but here's the question: Have you/anyone you've known been in my situation? What habits/actions did they stop/start to start having girls consider them as potential guys to date, instead of "the best friend" or "he's such a great guy" type of guy?

This is really starting to bother me. Any help would be appreciated. The more specific the better.

Cheers!

[heavensgift2girls]

It is a difficult question to answer, without over simplifying it. If you are being told that you are too nice, then you are most likely coming across as very desperate and weak. Basically don't put a girl on a pedestal. It is your job to put yourself first, and not her job to put you first. Just like it is her job to put herself first, and not your job to put her first. You each need to be strong enough to look out for yourselves.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself if the woman is mistreating you. Women need to be able to respect a man in order to remain attracted to him, and women respect men that respect themselves. If you respect yourself, then you aren't going to let the woman dominate your every decision.

Don't be afraid to make a decision just because she might not like it. For example, don't always let her decide where to eat. Your opinion counts as much as hers, and you should get to call the shots as often as she does. Remember this when she starts to act stubborn. Standing up to her is important, as it shows the woman you aren't so desperate that you are afraid to challenge her.

Putting yourself first does not mean that you don't care at all about the woman, or that you need to become an asshole. It just means that you look out for your happiness and don't let her take that away from you. No one of either gender should be expected to sacrifice their own happiness for someone else, or be forbidden from making decisions for fear of offending the other person.

[Loudon]

This has been my problem for the longest since i left college. I hate it.
You know you don't need to be a jerk but realize that you shouldn't be as friendly, or as talkative. Don't smile all the time. If your not in the mood then let it show a little more. Keep some of your cool and interesting ideas to yourself and ration them out. We're good guys and excellent boyfriend material but in order to spark that interest we have to change it up. ALSO remember to appropriately talk about sex at some point earlier than later/never AND be a little more touchy.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to act like a jerk. Just have a tighter circle of friends, make yourself busy and not wrapped up in the girls so much (play hard to get), and have a "I don't really care" attitude about most things. The looks have a lot to do with it as well. For example, I think tattoos and leather jackets are amazing. Of course, don't do permanent stuff if you don't want. It's not necessary. Make sure you ALWAYS look good, no matter what. Confidence is key- I know it sounds cheesy, but walk in any room like you own everyone there. Fake it until you make it. A lot of girls want an element of danger, too. We like to feel on our toes. If you truly like a girl, take control and make out with them and show them what they're missing. Then just walk away. They should follow :) I hope this helps! if you have any more questions, I'll definitely try to help more!

[collyflowerx]

try not to be best friends because as soon as you are in the friend circle its like crushing on your brother.. (eeew) if you have someone in mind Make a move !!! before its to late meet a girl become friendly (not to friendly) dont act like a jerk or be a cocky boy there is no point if you get a girl being a jerk they will not be getting you.. having a girl in your life is not the most important thing.. you sound like you have great friends... but please... make a move text them message them on fb.. dont become the friendly friend let them see you are more than a friend. good luck x

[Redlily78]

Sorry to say a lot of women like bad a-- men. Tough and mentally strong. Someone they feel safe with. If your too nice they see you like a brother not a boyfriend. There are women who only want a nice guy because they have been treated bad before. It's a tough one. Do what you feel is right.

[TheSpartan]

So... you can't be nice and tough/mentally strong? Mariusz Pudzianowski won the World's Strongest Man five times, and he's the nicest guy ever.

[Redlily78]

Yes you can be tough and mentally strong. That would be a plus. Do what works for you.

[Artificial Intelligence]

How do I stop being too nice guy?

If you find yourself constantly being the "nice guy," it may be time to change up your approach.

Here are a few tips on how to stop being too nice:

1. Be assertive

One reason nice guys finish last is because they're too passive. If you want something, go after it. Don't be afraid to express your desires or take charge in situations.

2. Don't do things you don't want to do

Just because you're a nice guy doesn't mean you have to do everything someone asks of you. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. It's okay to say no.

3. Be confident

Confidence is attractive. If you're not confident in yourself, it will be hard to attract others. Work on building up your self-esteem and being comfortable in your own skin.

4. Don't be a pushover

A lot of nice guys get taken advantage of because they're too easygoing. If someone is constantly asking for favors or taking advantage of your good nature, it's time to draw the line.

5. Don't try too hard

Trying too hard to be someone you're not is a recipe for disaster. Be yourself and let your true colors shine through.

6. Be independent

Nice guys often make the mistake of being too clingy or needy. If you want to attract someone, it's important to be independent and self-sufficient.

7. Be decisive

Hesitation is a major turnoff. If you want something, go for it. Make decisions and stick to them.

8. Be a challenge

Nice guys are often too easy to get. If you want to catch someone's attention, you need to be a challenge. Be aloof and make them work for your attention.

9. Be mysterious

Mystery is intriguing. If you want to keep someone's interest, don't reveal everything about yourself right away. Leave a little to the imagination.

10. Don't be afraid to be bad

Sometimes, being a little bad can be a good thing. If you're too nice all the time, you may come across as boring. Don't be afraid to let your naughty side out every once in awhile.

Why you should stop being a nice guy?

If you're a nice guy, you might be wondering why you're not having much luck with the ladies. The answer is simple: you need to stop being a nice guy.

Sure, being nice has its benefits. People will like you more and you'll probably get along better with others. But when it comes to dating, being a nice guy can actually work against you.

Here's why:

1. Women don't want a doormat.

No woman wants a man who is going to agree with everything she says and do everything she wants. That's boring and it makes you seem like a pushover. Women want a man who is strong and confident enough to stand up for himself.

2. Women want a challenge.

If you're too nice, you're not giving women the opportunity to challenge themselves. They want to be able to conquer you, not have you roll over and play dead.

3. Nice guys finish last.

Let's face it, the world is not always fair. But it is especially unfair to nice guys. Women often go for the bad boy types, even though they know they're not good for them. Why? Because they're exciting and challenging.

4. Women don't want a needy guy.

If you're always available and always ready to please, you're going to seem needy. Women want a man who has his own life and his own interests. They don't want someone who is always hanging around waiting for them.

5. Being too nice can be a turn-off.

Women don't want a man who is obsequious or servile. They want a man who is confident and self-assured. If you're always trying to please her, you're going to come across as insecure.

6. You need to be assertive.

Women respect men who are assertive. They want a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go after it. If you're always being nice, you're not being assertive.

7. Women want a man with some edge.

Nice guys are often seen as safe and boring. Women want a man who is a little bit dangerous. They want someone who is exciting and unpredictable.

8. Nice guys don't get the girl.

This may seem unfair, but it's the way of the world. Women often go for the bad boy types, even though they know they're not good for them. Why? Because they're exciting and challenging.

9. You need to be a little bit selfish.

No woman wants a man who is completely selfless. They want a man who is willing to put himself first occasionally. Women want a man who is strong and confident enough to stand up for himself.

10. Being nice is overrated.

Sure, being nice has its benefits. People will like you more and you'll probably get along better with others. But when it comes to dating, being a nice guy can actually work against you.

How do I know if I'm a nice guy?

How do you know if you’re a nice guy? It’s not always easy to tell, but there are some telltale signs.

If you’re wondering whether or not you’re a nice guy, here are a few things to look out for:

1. You’re always trying to help.

If you’re the guy who is always trying to help others, whether it’s carrying their groceries or giving them advice, then you’re probably a nice guy. You’re the type of person who is always looking out for others and you’re always willing to lend a helping hand.

2. You’re always apologizing.

Do you find yourself apologizing a lot? If you do, it’s likely because you’re a nice guy. Nice guys always want to make sure that they haven’t done anything wrong and they’re always quick to say sorry if they think they might have offended someone.

3. You’re always putting others first.

Nice guys always put others first. Whether it’s letting someone else have the last slice of pizza or giving up your seat on the bus, you’re always thinking of others before yourself. You’re the type of person who is always willing to sacrifice your own needs for the sake of others.

4. You’re always smiling.

Nice guys are typically happy and positive people. They’re always quick to smile and they tend to radiate positive energy. If you’re the type of person who is always smiling, then there’s a good chance that you’re a nice guy.

5. You’re always trying to please others.

Do you find yourself going out of your way to please others? If you do, then it’s likely because you’re a nice guy. You’re the type of person who wants everyone to be happy and you’ll do whatever you can to make sure that happens.

If you can relate to any of the above, then there’s a good chance that you’re a nice guy. Nice guys are typically good people who always try to do their best. If you think you might be a nice guy, then don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, being a nice guy is a good thing.

[Dillion]

It's not about being a nice guy or a jerk, but ending up with what you want. Don't be in a romantic relationship with a girl just to be in one. Be with her because you want to be with her. I know a lot of people who get into a relationship because they're scared to be alone. For some the opposite is true, they are scared to be in a relationship for fear of being hurt. Women go for men that know what they want and are going after it. A person should compliment you (maybe complete you), but not be your whole.

If you're not finding what you want, just move on. It's about going after what you want and not wasting your time with what you know you do not want.

[devilish-cutie]

you know what? I really don't like this concept why girls won't date you. Who cares why 99% girls won't date you. You are who you are and as far as I can see being nice isn't anything bad. You just haven't met that girl in that 1% that will actually like you the way you are. If you like you then there must be someone else out there who does too. So stop waisting your time on girls that do not appreciate you the way you are

[Mckenna_t]

If people are telling you that you are to nice you should talk to them and find out more specifically what they mean about that. such as "you are to friendly to everyone and the girls just assume you are like that with everyone" you need to treat a girl that you like way differently than you would treat just one of your friends. Like telling them they look pretty and talking to them more than your other friends and paying more attention to her than your friends, etc. Stuff that just shows her you like her as more than just a friend, and when you start liking her you should ask her if she'd maybe want to go to the movies or go get dinner or something before she becomes really comfortable with you and just starts seeing you as a friend. I'm sure what your friends mean is that your really nice to everyone so all these girls just assume that when you flirt with them that's just how you treat everyone.

[SomeHopeLeft]

don't stop being who you are (unless if you are an asshole) but just stop giving a shit, be laid back, improve on yourself most importantly (image, work, communication), I had a problem of being too clingy and nervous with girls which drove them away (still have a little of it!) and I just acted cool afterwards and be myself and guess what? it makes you look more confident it attracts them

[oldanddecrepid]

I wold say focus on your studies and work... see if someone comes along that you really like. Just let it happen naturally.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, so don't let it bother you.

Women will start looking at you in a different light in the 25-32 year old range. You just have to be patient.

[Anonymous]

Hmm I had the same problem. One day I just stopped caring. When you take a girl out, don't ask what they want or where they would like to go, just take them. If you want to go play put put golf, take that bitch to mini golf, whoop her ass and rub it in her face.

[bananatossing]

I do not think you need to "stop" being a nice dude. If you like a girl from the start just f*cking tell her or hint it somehow. Being a nice guy does not always work because it's not a method, nor being an jerk because girls are into different personalities. But whatever you consider yourslef being, just be a bit more direct and honest. Show the girls you're attracted to your intentions from the start, it's ok to do so.

[romaswift_]

I want to say I'd date you but tbh I'd probably friendzone you as well.:/
Try to flirt with them more than you usually would, ask for their number and message them. Add subtle physical contact and lots and lots of flirting. Good luck x

[GoldenWing]

Check it out... www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a8352-why-nice-girls-end-up-with-jerks

[AleDeEurope]

Sorry, but that Take is bullshit, it just gives a bad image of nice girls, making them look gullible and stupid.

[kimmiecub]

I actually just went through this with a guy he was too nice. Sometimes a gal needs a man to be able to tell call her out be a little dominated I know for fact I want a man which means I want someone who is going to be able to be exactly what it entitles sweet and caring but also a little aggressive and sexy. No hitting or anything but be up front I like you and I'd like to take you out
Argue but in a friendly way if your too nice then all you will be is a friend only. Hope you understand

[Klaatu51]

then be a bad boy... and act like a jerk... although i'd not suggest it.. being nice isn't a bad thing

[CreepyOldMan]

Don't ever stop being a gentlemen and a nice guy.

I've been and will continue to be a nice guy. And if women aren't attracted to that, then they can go fuck themselves. I'm not changing.

[Anonymous]

I'll be your girlfriend :) haha
No but women seem to like bad boys more. After a while they will get over it because bad boys are not mariage material but you are. When they realize that you'll have tons of girls after you :)

[mrrapperguy]

Treat her like any one of your other friends, don't treat her different because you like her

[TheSpartan]

You have to learn to do what you want, when you want to, and to forgot about what people think about you completely, I suggest listening to NWA.

[rafalzaza]

I think its better to make your intentions clearer more toward the beginning, not right at the outset, but fairly quick.

[Anonymous]

i dont want to stop being a nice guy. screw all crazy ass sluts. they'll ever be a part of my life.

[This_guy_here]

Be an asshole. I'm not joking.