Why can't guys describe their emotions?

Question

One gagger and I had a conversation about male behavior and how young guys tend to not know their own emotions. This how he described young guys and how they perceive their emotions: "Imagine feeling something new for the first time and not even have a word for what you are feeling. That's the mind of a young guy."

I've been through a breakup and the guy I was with had trouble communicating to me how he really felt about the relationship or about anything in general. That's basically the reason we broke up. He communicated how he felt through more through actions, physical affection, and sex.
I could also tell whenever he felt that something was wrong, he would never communicate to me because he would say "it's none of my business." I would always respect that but it then came to a point I had no idea what was going on in his head and he became distant.

I've always known that guys usually keep emotions to themselves... I just have trouble understanding why this kind of behavior still happens in a relationship context. In relationships, communication is really important. It's okay to hide some things from your partner but it's not good to constantly lie, hide, or be unsure of what you want.

Why do guys hide their feelings from everyone including their girlfriends? Why are guys so evasive about their emotions and why do they change how they feel towards a girl frequently? Does this all have to do with biology?

I'm not suggesting that guys are insensitive cause everyone knows that's not true lol. I'm just confused by why some guys are so hesitant with communicating how they feel in relationships.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Partly it's biology, partly it's society.

Whereas women are very vocal with their communication, men tend to show how they feel instead. Our brains aren't hardwired for communication to the extent that women's are, and on top of that, guys are generally teased or made fun of if they express their emotions around others. Hence, why most guys try to pull of that "tough, too cool, macho" look most of the time, or cover up by making jokes. We aren't that comfortable with sharing our emotions. In many ways, it's less awkward to be naked in front of someone than to bear our feelings to them.
Yes, in a relationship, communication should be open and barriers lowered, but it may not be easy for every guy to do that. After all, we're practically raised not to.
Personally, I feel like a weirdo among my gender, because I'm actually very emotional and communicate well. Even then, there are certain emotional barriers I keep up, because being that vulnerable around others feels dangerous, and having had my heart broken a few times, I just don't like to open up completely anymore.

ATuairiscean · Accepted Answer

That is such a tough question and it is hard to answer in a nutshell - Most guys and girls will have different approaches to emotions and the amount they invest in this approach - I would take it as life lesson where it shows you that you would favour a relationship with a lot of overt communication whereas other people might be comfortable with less overt communication - I don't think there is any right or wrong answer but maybe it shows you the personalities that may suit you more - Over time as a relationship develops a person may become more open but every couple is different but just do what you are comfortable with

shy_girl96 · Accepted Answer

It could be a lot of things. They might not have the words to express themselves, it might not be their "love language", they are too scared of what their girlfriend will say. Some guys might not do it because they believe that they aren't meant/allowed to be emotional when in a relationship and therefore keep their feelings to themselves. Etc.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

That’s problem number one it didn’t work out with the last guy I was seeing. He would not tell me how he felt about us - he was a great guy and I cared about him a lot and would have probably done anything for him but even after telling him how i felt I did not get anything back.

Solanaceae · Accepted Answer

Hey, it's not just guys that do it. I have a hell of a hard time trying to communicate how I feel about things to other people. The only way it's accurately expressed is through my writing, and I don't show anyone that.

So the world probably just sees me as a big mystery

Frosteh · Answer

It's rare that anyone in society really cares that much about what boys and men are feeling, that's really the bottom line here.

Too much is focused on what men can do and what men can provide, and not enough on how men feel or what men need. If you go and take a look at the mens rights movement who are trying to tell the world that men and boys are in crisis what you get is this overwhelming response, especially from women (and feminists) that men are crybabies and to "man up"

So men simply do not get practice at feeling something and then trying to articulate what that thing means to another human, that requires practice and that only happens when there's a safe environment to do it in where people aren't going to shit all over you. Because the moment someone sticks their neck out to do something difficult that they can't do very well and then you punish that person for not being able to do it, that's it, it's game over, they're never going to stick their necks out again.

It's sad to say that you've just reinforced this behaviour but putting this guy on the spot, he's tried to explain and now he's getting dumped because of it. I doubt you're the first person to do this to him, I'm guessing another woman has done this before as well, all the while reinforcing the behaviour.

When people are bad at things you need to give them a safe space to explore how to do that thing and fail at it, in order to learn and become competent at it over time. And they need encouragement and support, not someone just throwing it back in their face.

Not all men are like this, some are more mature and were afforded the right kind of environment, or had the patience of a good woman to foster it later in life. Whatever the case if this is all you see in the men you date then odds are you're using pretty bad criteria to pick your intimate partners.

Anonymous · Answer

It doesn't usually come out with language. To expect it to and then ask what's wrong when it doesn't is entirely the wrong way to go about this.

Boys work differently, you can't just say they don't understand things. They don't tell you when you demand they interact in a way natural to women. It's nonsensical to approach them this way.

The way fathers and sons connected for example, you don't sit them down and interrogate them, it doesn't work on guys. They go play catch (you *do something* with them) and probe about what's going on with them. Doing is important. physical expression is important.

They're not unsure of what they want just because they don't engage you in the way that you want.

"why do they change how they feel towards a girl frequently"
This definitely is not the norm. Guys a typically quite static in their feelings. I suspect you're misinterpreting things.

I think you need to take 100 steps back, reset, and ask yourself what you really know about guys in this respect. Assume they really work differently to you but that doesn't mean treating them like they're deficient.

Without getting into the technical neuroscience explanation, guys' emotions don't sit on the surface and trying to pry an answer out of him about what's going on only pushes him away.

In my opinion guys typically have better intrapersonal (as opposed to interpersonal) relationships, but part of that means they don't specialize in communication, since resolving emotional turmoil is typically done internally or through *doing.*

If you're really interested in how guys process things I think Tom Golden might have some good points for you.

If you want talking, I think sex does it best. It's a doing thing, but they're also never more vulnerable and remember physical expression is important, so that physical intimacy is often a good path to emotional intimacy. Try to get him to talk about what's going on in his life while you're both stewing in the afterglow.

JamesHigginbotham · Answer

I think that you're giving men too much credit. Men going to a state of mind where they literally think of nothing and the enjoy it. You are very intelligent fast minded and well-spoken person. You probably seek to understand and express will there be understanding somebody else or expressing yourself. With that being said how many boys and Confused men will never be able to express themselves. I recommend you find a man. A man will be able to express his feelings properly. Another side thought is that we all speak in different love languages. I would say you are more of a words of affirmation individual and being so you like vocal recognition and expression. Many men don't do that whether it is natural or Society based they may Express their love and feelings in a different way. If you'd like to talk more you're welcome to message me

PoliceLivesMatter · Answer

Personally, I'm not that way. It's easy for me to be honest and just say what's on my mind because I really don't care about coming off a certain way. Though, many men hide or isolate themselves from their emotions maybe because it's biological. Men are supposed to be seen as aggressive and dominant and showing emotions could be a sign of weakness received by not only other males, but females as well. Females want to be able to rely on a man during a state of chaos and an emotional man doesn't represent that niche. Evolutionary biology

Naydyonov · Answer

I personally don't like expressing my emotions as I often don't have any that steer from Neutrality.

really I haven't found a person I'd really open up to so why would I.

I have 2 emotional states; Some form of Love and normal Hate.
I love my country's people for example, but don't love my family..
I hate some small things in general.

Otherwise I'm in a neutral state in which I don't feel anything towards someone or something.

Thing is I don't Love or hate the same way others do, I can still hate the thing I love. I hate pain yet I laugh when in pain. I love technology yet hate how we're accustomed to doing everything with it.

Jonny4O · Answer

Alexithymia- The inability to express oneself in a constructive (clear & concise) manner

It's not just guys. Guys ate taught to stifle their emotions, so they never acknowledge em. But girls over exaggerate their emotions, allowing their emotions to control them. Its dad in both cases, smh

Ever been the only sober person at a keg party? Now try being one of the only emotionally sober people in a world full of people getting drunk off of emotions on a regular basis, smh... Annoying asf, smh

burpzzzzz · Answer

Well let's see. When us men were boys we were told that our feelings didn't matter. It was out beaten out of us from both parents but especially with our mothers.
When men in MGTOW community talk bout our experiences women tell us we are angry, we hate women and other things. And when we are truly angry you women judge us. Men are the least capable of showing love because men are disposable.

AustinTXGuy · Answer

Sometimes it's true that guys just don't know how to describe what they're feeling, but usually it's one of these other situations. 1. Guys intentionally avoid discussing their feelings because it keeps you off balance or they don't want to reveal them to you. 2. Similar to 1, but more malicious in that they are gaming you for whatever reason. 3. They feel that they are losing their man-card anytime they get into discussing feelings and just refuse to really go there.

Djaaay · Answer

Who says we can't describe our own emotions? Not the highest thing on our priority list for others that don't concern us. Genrally speaking tho , you never let emotions override a decision making prosses to a solution. So i think this here is the underlining factor that everyone miss represents as to being insensitive.

Christpaquin · Answer

The same reason than why people can't sing.

You need to show your vulnerability.

And because enough women and guys (or girls and boys) shame you because you showed it sometimes.

Those that can, surpass that or they wasn't traumatized by that.

melendezm651 · Answer

I don't tell people how I feel because no one really pays attention. So I just keep to myself mostly. But if someone actually wanted to communicate with me and listen, I would definitely open up to them.

Sparkzs · Answer

Society. Men are conditioned to be aloof and distant to their feelings from a young age. As a result we are left out of touch with our feelings, are less able to describe them, and are more erratic when trying to process through them.

red_knight · Answer

Guys do this for several reasons,
1) comfort zone.
2) trust
3) peer pressure.
4) there's an imaginary rule book that many women and unfortunately us guys ourselves have bought that states how men should be.
5) upbringing

There's so many more reasons why, but I believe if friendship and kindness was something in everyone then truth will set free many people, help those who lost their way or hiding from them true selves.

kentlevi · Answer

Most guys are idiots. They don't even start to understand their emotions until their late 20's. They don't know how to handle them until mid 30s, they don't get really good at expressing until late 30s.

Anonymous · Answer

Many men were raised with a societal expectation that they are to think logically and keep their emotions in check. It can be harder for them to express their feelings or communicate since this was not an expected behavior for them growing up.

Sugartitty · Answer

Because it's socially unaccepted. I've opened up to girls in the past and been told to "man up" even more so between guys

Redstang88 · Answer

Mostly because guys just don't care. We are logic driven rather than emotion.
In the words of Charlie Sheen -
"Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they're best left unfelt."

joshuaa14 · Answer

Most of us think that showing our emotions makes us look weak.

Cosytoasty · Answer

Would you date an emotional guy? Doubtful. Girls are usually full of emotions and would be overloaded if a guy showed his.

mh24778 · Answer

Because most guys just try to get in your pants when you need a guy you can really connect with sure showing physical emotion is great but it c ant be just that 24/7 there has to be more of a connection which is what most people struggle having.

Why can't guys describe their emotions?

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