My partner felt I interrogate him about his night out but why shouldn’t I ask?

[Anonymous]

My partner of 8yrs went to NYC on a business trip. He booked a “party” style hotel which dismayed me. But I understand it’s only reasonable to enjoy your time at NYC as well as work. We mutually agreed I could check in on him ANY time or he would update me on his night outs.

On Friday night (mid-night there time) I didn’t see any txts from him so I txted : how was the night. He replied he was at a bar with friends so I said yeah sent me some picture! He sent me 4 pitch dark images no one could tell what the hell they were. I asked what they were? He replied quite surprisingly aggressive: “I’m doing my best stop stress me out”.

Do you guys feel I interrogate too much or he was overacting. Have I done sth so offensive?

Updates

+1 y

Hey guys thanks for the answers. The reason I would check in is b/c he went to strip joints even prostitutes in the name of business in the past when I was completely unsuspicious. I think I should dump him rather than living a scared life.

[Anonymous]

I’m not saying he was or wasn’t hiding anything but if I was him I’d feel the same way, maybe worse. Just cause someone gets defensive doesn’t always mean they’re hiding something, sometimes you just get tired of trying to convince someone that what you’re telling them is the truth. I had an ex like that, always thought I was doing something, turns out she was the one cheating. Ended up getting pregnant. To me the fact that you asked for pics tells me you didn’t trust him. You assumed something was going on because you didn’t get a text from him. He’s a grown man, he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to just like you don’t. But you constantly texting yes puts a damper on things as far as him enjoying his time out w friends. Even if he was cheating you really think he’s going to send you a pic of him w the girl he’s cheating w? Nothing you can do to stop him from cheating if he decides to do so. This agreement that you could check in on him whenever was more for you’re benefit. I’m sure he reluctantly agreed cause if he had said no it would have started an argument.

[Johnnie1000]

You are a pain. The man can't go somewhere with you keeping a leash on him. And what if he were cheating? Would he send you a picture of strippers. If I want to be interrogated I will get a cop. This kind of stuff will piss him off. It would piss me off. Check that. It has. We agree on a rough time to talk each day and only texts like "I can't wait until you are home." and not constantly bugging him. How have you stay together 8 years if you are so suspicious.

[Asker]

The first 4yrs were suspicious free then I found out he’d had loads fun with strippers & prostitues. Lol now it’s no fun for anyone :(

[VIVANT]

If he felt that way he shouldn’t have set it up where he’d keep in contact before he left. He’s the one who made the agreement. It was mutual she didn’t do anything he did not consciously get behind.

[Johnnie1000]

I get what you are saying. But it sounds you like and trust him as long as he is in sight. That's not a basis for a long term relationship. If you dump him just be sure it is for what he is doing and not what you think. I see this is a hard decision for you.

[VIVANT]

What I don’t like is everyone Acting like you’re over the top when you were just being consistent with an arrangnemt he was fully part of.

1 you just followed through on the agreement.

2 how freaking hard is it to take a picture.

3 he obviously agreed bc he is aware you have reason not to test him.

4 it’s teally sketchy he sent pics but got mad bc you couldn’t see them. He says ok or no by to do it and do it badly then get mad. He’s all over the place. Like making agreement then getting mad at you for it.

5. Im in your side in that I do not think you were out of line per this situation. However, , I would not be in a relationship with someone I could not trust and felt I had to check up on. Although generally speaking I think it’s totally appropriate to contact your SO while away. I don’t see why that is considered horrible lol just a nice gesture. in my opinion

[jst4fun]

You’re being kind of annoying. Maybe he’s just trying to get away from everything. If I’m around a bunch of my friends, especially out of town, my last wish is to answer questions about it. Maybe he hasn’t even gone through it in his own head yet because that’s what he’ll do either way when he gets back. Try putting yourself in his shoes ya know?
There’s no way if all my close friends with me at the same time would I be able to slowdown to give courtesy calls. I’d be annoyed, personally too. Maybe chill and let him come to you with stories, I guarantee they’ll be better stories if you wait. It doesn’t make you the center of attention but why do you need to be right now. Live and let live girl.

[jst4fun]

Maybe I’m wrong on the amount and level of friends he’s with, how good they are. But it does sound like he’s busy with something, and I don’t think asking him what’s up, in your case, is with great intentions because you seem either jealous or like you don’t really want him to be enjoying himself.

[jst4fun]

The happier you allow him to be, the happier he’ll make you. It’s maybe that way because when he gets home, if he had fun, he’ll probably want to relive it in good humor with you. If he comes home and tells you it was just a bunch of work out there tho, then worry.

[VIVANT]

He made an agreement to be checked on which is weird but he did. It seems like everyone is ignoring that fact. She only did what they agreed to. Whether or not it’s something I’d do , i can see how it’s odd that he agreed and THEN got pissed.

[jst4fun]

But it’s still annoying that the question was even there to begin with. I guess everyone has different boundaries, But I don’t think it’s good to know every little detail about your partners life. The reason I say that is because that’s how love dies out and boredom ensues. Once your partner quits having to guess, in general, that’s when the relationship gets boring. That’s when he looks for other stimulation.

[jst4fun]

Keep him guessing, and he’ll be at your mercy. Vice versa too

[Eva323]

If you don’t trust him enough to go on a business trip, you shouldn’t be with him. Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him? If not, you’re the problem. If so, why’re you still wasting your time: either forgive or move on. Being “with “ someone doesn’t make stalking feel loving all of a sudden. You need to give him space or he’s gonna feel annoyed and controlled.

[comekitty]

I wouldn't have a need to check-up on my boyfriend at all times and i wouldn't ask for proof by way of photos. I have no reason not to trust him. Shoe on the other foot, I'd be more than annoyed, even pissed, if my boyfriend did that to me. Not because I was doing something wrong but because I'd feel that he didn't trust me. So, yes, I think that's a bit over the top.

[VIVANT]

He is the one to agree to it so there must be a reason..

[comekitty]

@VIVANT.. Yes, that is true

[VIVANT]

🤷‍♀️ probably 😊

[dmale248]

I can see it both ways. I can see a guy being out his friends and having to almost check in and send pics etc to prove himself. In saying that myself personally if I'm not doing anything wrong who cares I'd take pics inside, out front, bathroom everywhere because we do need to reassure our partners sometimes. To answer your question I don't feel like your interrogating him.

[Bolvark]

What kinda phone does he have? If it doesn't have a flash the black pictures are understandable. Also bars can have funk lighting that can screw with auto flash. I would say picture darkness provides little evidence either way.

[MarketData]

He sounds pretty defensive. Wonder what he's trying to hide? It's like when you ask Theresa May about Brexit. She knows she fucked up and she really doesn't want to talk about it.

[Max_SS]

That might've sounded quite interrogative. I think you should let him be, or do you not trust him?

[Anonymous]

why should you?

what do you get out of interrogating someone?

[Opinion Owner]

chances are nothing happened

[Anonymous]

It's not your place to question him like that. Just be glad he doesn't dump you.