My boyfriend is very overly clingy and controlling!

[Anonymous]

I've been dating this guy for about a year and in the beginning it was perfect. We hardly ever fought and if we did, it was nothing serious and we always made up. Now, he's gotten really clingy. I told him not to call me on my house phone during the day unless it was an emergency, but he still calls me almost every day and if I get pissed at him for not listening to me, he starts crying and asks why I hate him. He never leaves me alone when I have calmly, sternly, and angrily explained to him several times that sometimes I need some time alone. He's trying to make me delete all my internet profiles because "they make him uncomfortable" even though when he asks, I show him all of my messages and everything. He goes through my phone and reads all my text messages and I've just about had it. I really did love him, but I can't even take a nap without telling him first or he flips out and even if I have to do chores and tell him I will text him when I'm done, he will call and text me several times a few minutes later asking how much longer I will be. If I don't talk to him every day, he curls up in the fetal position and sobs for hours. I love everything about him except for this.It's driving me CRAZY. Every time I talk to him about it, he cries and his excuse is always "I'm a stupid, pathetic piece of sh*t." He never changes though.I don't know what made him start acting like this, but I can't take it anymore. I'm afraid to break up with him in case he kills himself or something. I would like him to return to how he used to be. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with him? It seems like I've tried everything, but nothing sticks. I would really like to keep him around because I do love him, but I don't think I can deal with this much longer.

[Anonymous]

As a guy who's aware of his own obsessive tendencies, I can offer some perspective if not an answer. Clearly he's suffering from severe anxiety. I don't know if it affects his daily life but like me, he sounds like its exacerbated in interpersonal relationships. He obviously lacks a sense of self worth which makes it hard for him to accept you love him. In his frame of reality he thinks you should be rejecting him, and he's anticipating it constantly. This could be related to some issues he has with his mother. The thing is though this relationship is unpleasant him too. Its become a source of stress for him, because in his mind things will only make sense if you reject him somehow and he's terrified of the uncertainty of not knowing when that'll happen, so subconsciously he's sabotaging your relationship to end his source of anxiety. He wants release from his problems as much as you do. He doesn't realize it of course. I won't go as far as to say he has an anxiety disorder, but if you love this guy you need to know you can't fix him. He should see a counselor, and maybe get prescribed an anxiety medication. I don't know how he'd feel about that, but if he loves you, if he wants this relationship to last, he will be open to the idea. Just understand that therapy is designed to help you help yourself. He will eventually learn to cope without having to see a specialist. Another thing to keep in mind is, although it may not be obvious, he probably loves you even though its not apparent in his behavior. The thing is he is dealing with a serious problem that's causing him a lot of pain, and like any sickness or injury, It's hard to think about the needs of another person, when your entrenched in your own pain. Also someone mentioned below he is manipulating you by playing the victim. I can't say I know him, to know is he is trying to control you necessarily, but from the sound of it, It not a matter of having control over you, Its a matter of feeling reassured.

[leftrightnorthsouth]

can I just say I do this too, but not to that extent, and the reason I do is because I worry my partner will go off with someone else. or who they are with.

its jealousy and insecure. it takes a while for someone in a realtionship to show who you really are past the honeymoon stage. may I just say that sometimes realtionships can bring out the absolute negative or positive side of a person becuase they become more vunerable and afraid of loosing another pereson they care about. very often people are quite jealous insecure without even realising it but it will come out more when they get in a realtionship (sorry I'm not explaining this very well). he is like this becuase most likely he loves you even more now and is extremely affriad of loosing you too someone else, it might not be that he thinks you will cheat, but that in your free time you will meet someone else and fall for him and then leave him for them.

this is a problem he has and has to deal with, you can help by reassuring him your love and trust, and over time it could help. you could try going on a holiday together for a week.

or you could try encouragin him to get a help, soudns like he has obsessional jealousy, and anxiety, I'm like that and I recognise it when I see it. its all controlled by the mind so you can controll the mind to stop being like that, do some reasearch on the internet see what you think.

u could ask him to go to relationship counselling with u, I don't think you need it personally but it would make him more inclined to go and could very much solve all your problems.

:)

[Anonymous]

He's making excuses for his manipulative behavior and so every time you try and confront him about it he plays the victim and gets you to pity him so that you stay with him. He's good. And I don't mean that in a positive way. Dump this loser. You've already wasted a year with this controlling, vindictive asshole. He makes you feel like sh*t and is controlling your life. That's no way to live and he is never going to change. I really hope you get out now so his bad behavior doesn't escalate into anything worse than it already is.