How should I make myself less available without being mean?

[misterbill71]

I have a really great female friend. We dated once and she decided that we were better as friends. I think I came across as a player but she didn't really elaborate as to why, and I didn't push the issue. Both of us have dated other people since then, she's pretty hung up on a guy 3 hours away right now, and I just stopped seeing someone I met about a month ago. We've hung out as friends for the last 6 months or so, more and more often as time has passed. In fact as I write this I am realizing that I am not the one who asks her to hang out, she is the one asking to hang out with me. For a while we would call each other every few days or so, but now she calls me every day as soon as she gets out of work. I like her and I enjoy her company, but I feel like she is getting the benefit of having me constantly around like a boyfriend without actually being my girlfriend. I feel myself starting to fall for her, but I know she doesn't see me that way, so I want to try to create some distance between us, but I don't want to come across as a jerk. any advice?

Updates

+1 y

should I just be up-front with her and say that I want to spend less time with her because I am starting to like her and don't want to ruin our friendship?

[Anonymous]

Been there... To be honest, this is a hard one because it will affect your relationship. Don't bring this on her over a phone call. In my experience, the guy I hung out with took me out on a few outings (nice ones by the way) and during the 3rd one made a comment to the like of "is it wrong if I like doing this with you? I want to do it more often, but desire for it to be constant and not worry. I'm concerned that if I pretend I don't want you, want to be with you, wake up with you, laugh, argue, make love to you...I will end up regretting I never did anything. I don't want to be that guy. The one who said nothing. I will rather say something and risk making it awkward between us then pretending. If it means we don't hang out as often...i'm willing to risk that. But you need to know. You deserve that and so much more...(and I forget the rest...I was in shock, because like you I always thought this guy was a playboy. But it was a serious moment that deserved serious actions)"

The results: we're not together anymore, but that speech was what every girl wants to hear. Heartfelt honesty. Luck may be on your side: Most girls who have a guy friend and have already dated them in the past, most likely have some feelings left for u. You never stop loving/caring for someone unless they are an ass.

If you don't say anything...u'll be 'that' guy who never said anything. And that's something you shouldn't do. Will it risk your special bond. Yeah, but if you don't speak then u'll end up taking it out on her in a negative way (such as an outburst). SO, I suggest that you take her out a few times, maybe on the night you tell her who could take her star gazing or something romantic where it's quite. Be you. Tell her you want another try because you can't pretend it doesn't effect you. Or tell her that your closeness is hard and because of that, you need some space. It's too personal. Tell her what you want, but don't spring it on her out of nowhere. Work up to it. Again, don't be the guy who didn't do anything. If you are going to have regrets...Have regrets because you tried, not because you didn't.

[misterbill71]

thanks... it was actually only one date... but I don't think it matters because apparently in the summer she is going to be moving away to live with the guy she's been dating (3 hours away).

[acka72]

OK... Read carefully: Make sure you start having the upper hand in the friendship. "You are the strong one." Which means she can talk about her problems, make a pity party for herself and she is the one who will look for you for help. In other words "spoil" her. Never ever share the same pity boat as her and make her feel that YOU are in fact stronger. When she starts caring about your opinion about her... you criticize her a bit (do not be too harsh) if she makes the changes to satisfy you... you know you have her caught in your elaborate web. During the part where you wound her feelings a bit, that is when you observe carefully for bursts of sadness or whatever and that is when you come into the picture and hug her. You are giving her affection and you are the only one who knows her whole self and who can hug her when she is in a down period.

Hope this makes sence.

[misterbill71]

are you talking about how to make her my girlfriend instead of my friend who is a girl? hmmm... I am not sure I want to go down that road... I mean I think she'd be an awesome girlfriend, but I don't want to manipulate her... if she doesn't see me as a boyfriend, I don't want to try to make something out of nothing...

[miki94]

I agree this would most likely make the girl fall for him. =/

[acka72]

There are two roads in love. A. Instantaneous mutual love. (it is very rare). or B. The type you make an effort. It depends on how much you genuinely love her and how much you want to make her your girlfriend.

[misterbill71]

hmmm... I'm still not sure I want to do this, but how exactly should I criticize her? she's asked me the dreaded "does this make me look fat" question before and I told her that she's not fat, but that outfit did make her LOOK fat so she went and changed... I don't know... :\

[acka72]

Don't do anything if you are not 100 percent sure.

[misterbill71]

well I'm going away for a week so that should give me some space from her and time to decide what I really want. thanks. :)

[gummybear888]

keep busy and unless it's really important, then you can reply to her ways to contact you. she sounds like she depends on you for some support. it does not hurt to be friends, but if your decision is to solely be friends, then keep the distance, make your time booked and only talk to her when it's important. cheers.

[Blobb]

Um tell her this. Be totally upfront. Tell her you need some space because you might develop feelings for her, and since she sees you as a freind it might ruin the freindship in some way>

[misterbill71]

Thanks, that is essentially what I ended up doing. it has seriously damaged our friendship. we still talk occasionally but we haven't hung out since I told her how I felt. I think its actually for the best but it does suck.

[Blobb]

Ouch sh*t one bro :(. I guess if she can't live with the fact you simply need a little space she needs to grow up a little... Shame, shame, oh well, maybe it'll work out but don't count on it, move on to new and shinier things ^^

[toulouse]

but if you like her a a friend why should you feel used- or is it that y don't like her as a friend just as a girlfriend. you wouldn't get mad if one of your guy friend wanted to hang out right? so its because you like her? how do you know she doesn't 'like' you?

[misterbill71]

oh I'm definitely NOT mad at her and I don't feel "used" per se... but I can sense my feelings for her getting stronger and since I know she doesn't see me "that way" I need to make some space between us... I'm pretty sure she doesn't "like me like me" because of her feelings for this guy who lives 3 hours away... I mean she drives 6 hours round trip ever other weekend just to see him lol!

[toulouse]

oh I see. OK so you like her and you like her as a friend as well, but don't want to be hurt? if not for the guy would you say something? or still hang out with her.

idk I stay friends with people if they are friends even if I like them as more, because the friendship part still matters to me and feelings come and go:)

[misterbill71]

yes. I really do like her, and I would love to be her boyfriend, but I had gotten over those feelings and was happy as just a friend until we started hanging out so much... all the extra attention has me wanting more and I know that won't happen so I want to go back to where we only spoke once in a while and hung out occasionally... like I do with my guy friends... even my best friend and I only hang out once a month or so and we hardly ever talk on the phone more than once or twice a week.

[BizzEMuch]

how do you know she doesn't like you? Girls talk about other guys to guys that they like just so the guy will become jealous and realize that the girl is a "catch" I mean if you really do feel like she's put you in the for sure friend zone, then be short with her. Like when she calls say something like "soo I actually gotta go to t-ball practice" or something like that so she realizes how much she relies on you.

[Anonymous]

Come up with other things to do, make plans with other people, that sort of thing. When she calls you up to talk or to hang out, let her know that while you appreciate her company, you're busy at the moment and another time would be better.

[misterbill71]

but she always calls me right after work... we get out at the same time so she knows I'm in my car driving home when she is. I do make my own plans and have told her that I can't hang out when ever there is a conflict, but I can't seem to find a way to avoid her calls without making it obvious that's what I'm doing, you know?

[Opinion Owner]

Are you trying to avoid talking to her on the phone? If you're as good of friends with her as she seems to think you are, just let her know straight-up that she's overwhelming you. She may not understand that you don't want to hear from her all the time.

[misterbill71]

Hmmm... well I don't want to stop hearing from her completely... all of these answeres have me questioning what I really want from her... I guess the truth is that I want to be her boyfriend, not her guy friend... but since tht isn't going to happen I want to pull away so I don't end up trapped in the friend zone... I was fine with being a guy she dated once. I don't want to be her "gay BFF" lol!