Can a guy be mentally faithful?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to find a guy who doesn't think about other women sexually? Or to look at other women sexually? As a girlfriend i am completely faithful.. even mentally. Is it possible to find a man who is the same way?

[AmandaYVR]

You're asking too much. No one has control over someone else's thoughts. That's The Thought Police, and it's a '1984' novel concept that no one wants as a reality.

If you're not ever thinking about anyone else sexually, you're very very rare. Monogomy is a social construct, not a biological trait we are born with. We make decisions to commit to one another, but the biological drive for others cannot be eradicated. Doesn't mean we have to act on it, but thoughts are just thoughts. So the word "faithful" does not belong in this context.

[Asker]

Sad harsh truth. You can do everything for your man. Spoil them. Excert blood sweat and tears for them to feel like you're valued. And in the end the mind wanders and lust takes over when they see a nicer pair of tits and a better ass

[AmandaYVR]

In some cases/people, yes, but I really think you should try and separate... let's call them dogs (not exactly pc but you get the idea) who have short attention spans and do hop from one pair of legs to another, from just regular human behaviour. We have a lot of expectations of each other. Some people are woefully inadequate or inept when it comes to being in relationships. But otoh, relationships are difficult, and adapting to and compromising for another human being with their own mind and preferences on just about everything... well it's a sacrifice to change what we want to do and always consider our better half in all decisions. That's one of the challenges of life, and why sharing a life with another does not come easy or without sacrifice. But you can't expect people to give up everything just because they've chosen to share themselves with someone. Seeing, looking, is very different than chasing after "a nicer pair of tits and a better ass." A distinction has to be made between a fleeting thought, a sometimes wandering mind, and a person who does leave, out of boredom, or in seeking novelty, just for the sake of change.

No one is perfect, and no one can fully complete another person (therefore no one will "do everything for your man".) You have to respect them for their autonomy and being born as a separate person. Desire for other (things or people) does not disappear because they are with someone, but their grey matter brain can decide to stay, because they know, factoring in all the give and take, good and bad, they choose that person. You don't have to stay with people who are physically unfaithful, but expecting their thoughts to revolve around only you, especially long term, is just not reasonable. The greater accomplishment is acknowledging that they have free will, and choice, and they are choosing you.

[Asker]

Well my boyfriend tells me that im the only woman he thinks about. And quite honestly it infuriates me. Because i know its a lie. He hardly cares about my sexual needs. And anytime I've tried to think about other men sexually i feel sad and disgusted with myself. I just wish men could control their thoughts. But unfortunately its not in their nature and women have to swallow that pill. I wish i could do what they do without feeling like a low, POS. And i really wish it could just be a fleeting thought instead of a minute long porn video in their head

[AmandaYVR]

Ok well maybe look at it this way - let's unpack it a little...

If you are in the early stages of a relationship (the 'honeymoon phase'/early) and one or both of you is fantasizing regularly, in quite a bit of detail, about specific people (not celebrities/famous people/porn actors, etc. but people irl that are semi-attainable) then there could possibly be some issues, where you are unsatisfied (either just sexually or in the relationship in general.)

But if later in the relationship, and very distant people that you only know as good looking/sexual objects and nothing more... meh, this is no big deal. It can be compartmentalized.

Of course the ideal is to have open communication and discuss this as a couple. If one is imagining being with another person while having sex, ouch. That certainly does/will happen from time to time, but one would hope that they can be more present, emotionally/mentally, and that will happen if the sex is satisfying. But it's all a matter of degrees. In all fairness lots of people are a part of a couple and know it's not going to last, but they do like some things about being with the person, for now. Thinking about someone, briefly, doesn't have to mean the relationship is bad. It can just be a momentary, fleeting... inspiration? No, let's call it the impetus for wanting/initiating sex with a partner. No one needs to know where it starts. It's like the famous Italian mafia saying, "Who are you with?" (which actually means what family/crime ring, etc.) but in another context, the person is there, present, at night, and that does count for something.

[AmandaYVR]

cont'd
Maybe you're just too hard on yourself. It's nice to see that you are actually not just expecting more from men. You are right, men have a bigger sex drive quite often, and variety seems to play more of a role in their life (at least their fantasy life) though everybody is capable of getting bored, wanting more sometimes. When he lies and says 'No, you're the only woman I think about' that is nice. He's playing it safe. He's no dummy. A lot of women won't be able to handle hearing the actual truth (or men, for that matter.) Have your fantasies. Talk to him about what would make your guys' sex better. If you (or he) keep thinking/fantasizing about some specific other people, well yes, that might draw somewhat of a wedge between you. But look at the bigger picture, not just the immediate. Most relationships don't last, most end at some point. And why is that? Sooo many reasons, right? Incompatibilities, intolerance, different goals, lifestyle preferences, etc etc. But if we were all more accepting, more tolerant of smaller things that really shouldn't matter, be focused on (like that a person is thinking, cause thoughts are just thoughts. Many people feel actions are more important), maybe more would last. There are billions of people on the planet, but it's not easy to find them all, and make new connections. So we should cut each other some slack.

Why does he/do you think he doesn't care about your sexual needs? Is he selfish? Or watches too much porn that misses the point, the connection, of sex? Or maybe he comes from a culture that is more bang-bang-jackrabbit kind of sex, not into really taking time and pleasing both people? A lot of guys are more than happy, even excited, at the challenge

Maybe you should buy this game. It is sure to amp up a sex life.
The One Board Game That Could Improve Your Relationship ↗

[JCN22]

there's nothing wrong with thinking about other woman as long as your not cheating on each other it doesn't matter. Its gonna happen. Men like to think and fantasize. My boyfriend does it. He has told me things that he fantasize's about. I like hearing his thoughts. He's very open with me. You should have a sex talk. Talk about sexy stuff and what he fantasizes. Be open to more fun things with your man. You can still be faithful if you both are exclusive. Nothing wrong with thinking dirty. We even watch porn together. I know what he likes.

[Anonymous]

Lust is a choice, but attraction isn't. Being attracted to people of the opposite sex is natural and healthy, but you don't have to think sexually about them for that is a choice. The same thing that makes a man physically attracted to other women is what makes him attracted to you. However all people can chose what to think. Lust is a sin and will get you to Hell, but attraction is healthy and beautiful by design. It is only possible to resist temptation with Christ. Knowing him personally will save you from Hell.

[Asker]

I feel like God told me that he made men feel physically attracted to women as a gift towards his wife. I struggled with questioning why God made men biologically "lustful" or more like susceptible to it. Why men care so much about looks and in return hurts a woman because we know that we have to accept them looking and thinking. But i also believe that the enemy knew how God made men and perverted it.. like he does with the Word and many other things.

[Opinion Owner]

There is more than physical attraction, but the physical is based on pheromones. It makes are bodies want some women. Our minds however, can and will make decisions, we choose how we think. Lust is a choice, if we think about sex with a woman out of marriage that is a sin. If your relationship is based solely on the physical it isn't healthy. You also need to connect on the spiritual and emotional as well.

[Asker]

I agree. I just know most men will make excuses about how it's natural male tendency and that I need to get over it. But i agree that its a choice to fantasize and be lustful. My boyfriend and I are bestfriends, with a baby, and love the Lord.

[Opinion Owner]

Different men face different sins, but as we become more Christ like we'll resist more temptations. I can't honestly say I've never struggled with this, but thankfully by God, I am able to resist this type of thinking. Jesus freed us from our sins, but we are his and so are our bodies and minds. Marriage is a place where sex can be used by design and all of its glory.

[Asker]

Amen

[Tyrael]

That depends. Are you talking about the guy looking at a girl and acknowledging that she's attractive? Because that's a passive thing that we're programmed to do. If you're talking about him fantasising over another girl then that's a different story, and yes that'd be possible.

[Asker]

Even if its a nude woman on a movie

[2Lips]

I’m sure it’s possible but men aren’t women for reasons outside of your control. They have a penis and you shouldn’t place expectations on them like you would. People need to accept the harsh realities between the sexes and things will be much better.

[Asker]

What harsh relality do they have to face with women?

[Asker]

Women are programmed to be faithful. Men are programmed to spred their seed. So in reality its nature for women to feel hurt emotionally more than men.

[ecfresh]

You don’t want a guy like that. He would be void of creativity and you want him to still have an imagination and a good fantasy life, just with you. And no, it’s not about self control in thought, it’s about self control in action. He’s still going to think other women are attractive but he will only want to make love to you. Much like you can fantasize about other men.

[Asker]

Fantasizing and acknowledging attraction is different. Saying "she's attractive" is totally fine and nothing wrong with that. But fantasizing is more like "what would she look like naked. How would she be like in bed? How would her vagina feel like" etc. In which i would feel hurt.

[ecfresh]

It’s just like watching porn, just like reading a romance novel. When you see an attractive person it’s common to fantasize what they may look like naked. As long as he still has desire for you, fulfills you’re sexual needs as well as his own, and still is able to turn you on I don’t see the problem. It’s obvious those fantasies are never acted on and it’s not like while he is intimate with you he is thinking about someone else. But to see an attractive woman in a bikini on the beach and not be able to imagine her topless? Sorry, that’s not making sense to me.

[Asker]

Yeah i know. Just sucks. Wish men could just not obsess over such things and focus on what they have and what is givin to them out of love. Instead they have sexual thoughts about naked women etc and use the girl they have to release that energy. I just wish they could know how it feels to accept that harsh realtiy as a woman. Imagine being with a woman whom you love and sacrifice for and knowing she's always thinking about what a guys penis looks like and how it would feel being inside her.

[Asker]

Girls have to stuck it up and watch their man stare and know what theyre thinking about.

[ecfresh]

Ok let’s back up because it sounds like we are not on the same page. What I’m talking about is we are out at the beach enjoying the day and an attractive woman walks by. The guy isn’t going to get an erection, might not even look at her. But if he does, he may see her small bikini and mentally it’s not hard to remove the minimal clothing. Or he sees an attractive actress in a movie and wonders what her body may look like. I still would advocate that’s ok, much like if you saw a handsome man and thought about his bare ass.

But in relationships where I have been in love with someone most of my mental energy goes to her. She excites me in the morning and I send her naughty texts or give her suggestive looks at lunch. She is the person I see and kiss, the person whose body I touch and when I am with her making love there is no reason to even think about that random stranger. I’ve got too many other things in my mind thinking about sexual activities with the person I love and wanting her to feel pleasure and desire from me. Your suggestion that during foreplay or intercourse I’m focused on another woman wouldn’t make sense because I would be in love and all senses are in the present moment with my lover. Sure maybe after while we cuddle we would talk about the movie and I would tease her about some sexy actor, but the whole point of making love and creating intimacy is to shut out the rest of the world and give her all my attention.

[Asker]

Well i guess im a statistic. I hardly even look at other guys more than 2 seconds. But my boyfriend loves to stare at women. And our sex life consists of him going soft and not being able to finish. So in my mind- men like watching other women because they want them sexually. And no matter what you do their minds will always wander. I've tried to look ar other men and fantasize but i feel a sadenning in my heart ( probably the holy spirit telling me to be faithful to my man) but i know that men get a free pass condemnation free.

[ecfresh]

Him getting soft is his issue, not yours. Maybe health related, he could be depressed. It’s not related to him fantasizing about other people. Logically speaking if he maintained an erection staring at other women and gets soft during actual intercourse but was thinking about them still; see how that’s not possible.

[loveslongnails]

Is it possible? Yes. Is it likely? Not exactly.
If you find a guy who is completely faithful "physically" and is still mentally all into you, you've done well. Your guy isn't going to go blind and suddenly not notice other beautiful women. The best you can hope for is that his first thought is not " damn, I'd like to fuck her and I would if I were single", but rather " there's a very pretty girl", and that's it.
Be grateful if you find that !

[Anonymous]

Once I'm with someone, my focus is usually completely on them. The thought doesn't even cross my mind. Now I might notice other attractive women (I'm not blind) lol, but there's no thoughts otherwise of being unfaithful or anything, I just think "she's attractive" and that's the end of it. So yes we can.

[Madhatter920]

Anything is possible. Is it probable? No. We can control our actions, not our thoughts.

[Asker]

Does it bother you knowing that the person you love thinks about other women with no remorse?

[Asker]

wouldn't it*

[Madhatter920]

Not for a moment, because I do too. We're only human.

[Asker]

Do you ever feel even a little guilty having sexual thoughts about someone else if you're with someone who loves you unconditionally and would do anything for you? I don't know I would feel bad.

[Madhatter920]

No. I can't feel guilty about something I have no control over. It's not something I do, it's something that simply happens.

[Asker]

I thinks that bullshit. You can acknowledged attraction. Thats 100% fine. But its your choice to fantasize. Its called self control and self control isn't only your actions.

[Madhatter920]

I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree.

[Reaperbot666]

to get and keep a guy around long term. really need 4 key things.

strong physically attraction, strong mental attraction, strong sexual attraction, strong emotional attraction. all of which need to be in sync really.

[blutwolfe]

ya I am now for no good reason, I made a promise and I'm gonna follow through with it, granted she broke her end so, I just want one good woman, but it's too much to ask these days so I'll just kick the bucket one of these days

[spartan55]

So you think you will find a guy who will never find any other women attractive?

[Asker]

No. I just dont want to be with a guy who thinks dirty about attractive girls. Staring. Thinking about sex. What they would look like naked etc.

[spartan55]

All guys think about sex.

[Asker]

But is it possible to only think about sex with the woman you love?

[spartan55]

Possible? Maybe. It's highly unlikely though.

[Asker]

Unfortunate

[spartan55]

Thinking about it and acting on it are two very different things.

[aroundhere]

i am that way.
if i have a relationship, i dont want any other woman tbh
im faithful
id be happy having one woman for myself

[abc3643]

When a guy is in real true love, that happens.

[abc3643]

That said, keep in mind The Old Italian Housewives Proverb:

"It doesn't matter where your husband gets his appetite as long as he eats at home."

[Asker]

Honestly i would rather not just be a hole for him to release sexual tension he's getting from another woman.

[abc3643]

You won't be.
I made sure whenever I was doing the deed, I was only thinking about the woman I was with at that time.

[Asker]

Yeah I want that

[Anonymous]

From what I've seen around me, it doesn't seem to exist.

[Anonymous]

If he is in love with you

[Anonymous]

No. I think that's bananas.

[Redstang88]

No..

[hammeronfire]

yes it is possible