Confused as f*ck rn, can someone help?

[Anonymous]

So I'm sleeping with this guy. We've been doing this for the past year. We are extremely intimate with each other, like cuddles, pecks on the cheek, deep conversations etc. We have a lot of banter and we get along really well. Though he won't let me make food for us because he counts it as a girlfriend thing but he has made me breakfast before.. weird to me but whatever.

The problem :
We're exclusive but we can still date other people... that doesn't make sense to me. We can go on a date but if we want to do something more with that other person then we have to end it. Personally if I'm gonna go on a date I'm likely to consider doing something more with that person so to me there's no point being exclusive. He said he doesn't see anything more with me then so why are we even exclusive? he's the one that wants to be exclusive. Am I being a clown here or what? Maybe I just don't get men. I don't even care about being exclusive nor being in a relationship which he knows but if we're exclusive then I'd rather be exclusive properly. I'm unsure of what steps to take, if I should carry on with this shit or just move on.
I also don't understand why anyone would want to keep dating or chatting to people if they are content with what they have going on now. Can someone provide clarity on wtf is going on?

Updates

+1 y

Thanks guys for all your input. Just a bit of extra info:
I don't know if he's actually even gone on a date. Neither of us had dating apps/dated other people until we had a disagreement and we stopped talking (nothing to do with other girls just little things that were bothering me behaviour-wise). So we stopped seeing each other start of June. I moved on, went back on dating apps and so did he but then after 2-3 weeks he messaged me with a long voice note apology. I decided to forgive him.

Updates

+1 y

We were properly exclusive before, since restarting this shit we had not discussed going back to being exclusive - the other day we were talking and he told me we're exclusive to which I was like O. O neither of us know what we want but I'm content being friends with benz but being exclusive makes me feel guilt for chatting to other guys. I don't have feelings for this dude so I don't feel the need to be exclusive.

[MrOracle]

This might sound harsh, but I need to be clear:

This is a guy with some warped boundaries, and clearly, they aren't the same boundaries that you have or need. Yet, you've accepted his boundaries, which don't really make sense, because they're messy. And if you have messy boundaries, you're going to have a messy relationship and messy feelings and you're going to suffer for it.

It is YOUR job to protect YOUR interests, and that means NOT accepting messy boundaries that don't make sense to you. You have to establish boundaries and expectations at the beginning of a relationship, and you have to make sure that if you have different boundaries, that you can negotiate something that you can truly accept and live with. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't be together. And this means you can't lie to yourself that you are okay with something that you really aren't okay with, just because you WANT to stay with a guy. You have to be REALLY honest with yourself.

You shouldn't be okay with messy boundaries and hurt feelings, but if you accept that, that's exactly what you're going to get.

[Asker]

you don't sound harsh :) It's just confusing the fuck outta me. I've set out boundaries at the start but it seems they're getting forgotten about and when I try to set anymore he questions them. I was in a bad relationship previously where my feelings were invalidated and I was told I was overreacting (I wasn't) - was in that for 4-5 years (its been 2 years since then) so now I can't completely tell if I'm being reasonable or not. luckily I don't grow feelings the normal way, I need security for my mind to even go there and I definitely don't feel like there's any security with this guy.
I'm literally happy to be friends with benefits and nothing more, I just don't understand why he wants to be "exclusive", maybe its a control thing?

[MrOracle]

Guys can have a hard time sharing, even if they want to be free to shop around. It sounds like this guy just has a double standard, which isn't fair to you. You aren't wrong to feel confused and wronged by that.

[Asker]

Yeah I get guys have a hard time with sharing things which is why I've tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible and be as open as I possibly can with him. I'm not sure what much more I can do to be a good friend. he's opened up to me about some pretty horrible stuff thats happened in his life recently so I would imagine if he could tell me something like that then he would be able to just be straight up with me :/

[Asker]

He said to me he doesn't know what he wants so maybe he's just as confused as I am? I'm kinda lost, I'm as blunt as I can possibly be with this guy but he says one thing and acts in another way. even my friends are lost with whats going on. They think he's just insecure as this is a common thing insecure dudes do with ladies.

[Jake99999]

First of all, when you say "maybe I just don't get men", please don't lump all of us in with this joker. Maybe you just don't get that particular man. I don't either. He sounds like a head case. You can't cook for him because that's a girlfriend thing? OMG. It sounds like he just wants to be pals and keep all of his options open. How can you be "exclusive but still date other people". That is a nonsense statement. you are right. If you are dating other people, you are NOT exclusive. This guy sounds like a mental patient. He is just playing you. Find a guy who is not into so many head games.

[Asker]

Thanks, I thought it didn't make any sense either. I don't get why he'd feel the need to say we're exclusive and be "exclusive" when I don't give a shit. I just cba for games. I don't get why he doesn't just say it how it is. And I should have clarified not all men but a quite a portion of men are like this. I do apologise :)

[Jake99999]

Oh you don't have to apologize. And I don't blame you for being frustrated. To be honest... I have a lot of guy friends and I have been around a long time. I have never known a guy who played this kind of shit like you describe. It sounds mental. Sounds like you have had a streak of bad luck with men. Listen, just don't tolerate this kind of crap. Don't waste your time.

[Asker]

I've never really heard of some of the shit that comes out his mouth either to be honest. I have a lot of guy friends and I've never heard anything like it. I've only had experience with one guy in my life (not really the dating and relationship type, happy as a lone wolf) but I've seen my lady friends going through shit with guys. Definitely leaning on the side of ending it... after I get my dvds back haha

[Jake99999]

Lol... good luck. You deserve better, for sure.

[Anonymous]

he's telling you he just wants to sleep with you and his actions show as well... what's the problem?

[Asker]

The problem is we aren't properly acting exclusive because we can still go on dates and dating apps. Definition of exclusive means not doing that shit and just focusing on each other.

[Opinion Owner]

Exactly sis... he's not giving you that and most likely never will. You have to accept that and or move on

[Asker]

The point is I don't care to be that so why are we that. I just don't understand why he wants to be "exclusive" when he knows I couldn't give two shits about that. I just cba with bullshitting it. I want to be able to do what I want but I feel guilty because he has said we're exclusive, so my morals are telling me I can't keep talking to othet guys. Maybe I'm just trying to understand the impossible. The male brain.

[Opinion Owner]

Ooooh I get it. Yea just tell him the truth

[Asker]

yeah I'm just gonna talk to him when I see him

[rachel776]

wait are u fucking this guy or just cuddles? that could be why he wants other girls

[Asker]

we're doing both

[ohshee]

It means cake and eat it too you're more or less like Friends with Benefits I think but I mean if he has no desire to get with you then for me I would have to say goodbye and if I was going out with a girl that I'm sleeping with and she says it's okay if we both go out on dates with other people but we can't fuck them otherwise it's over and say well it's over right now because if I'm going to go out on a date with somebody the odds are as I like them quite a bit and I'm probably going to try to get in their pants you honestly sound like you're nice girl I think I would just move on I mean unless you're lonely it is probably a good set up but for me there's just something not right about that whole thing

[Asker]

Thats literally what I said, like it makes no sense to be exclusive but go on dates woth other people and tbh I just want the dick xD its very good dick. But I feel guilty talking to other guys because he's said we're exclusive. I didn't even prompt him to say it. I'm happy to be friends with benefits, we are really good as friends but I don't want to feel guilty for doing what I want.

[ohshee]

That would be the hard part because he's actually giving you permission to do whatever he said for you just can't get laid Well if I knew the situation and we went out I will try to get in your pants and I will try to give you the best of fuck you've ever had just because he put stipulations on it and just because he says it doesn't mean that he's doing that

[ohshee]

So have you been asked out and have you come across that yet because I mean if I had a girlfriend and she said the same thing he told you that would tell me that she's either not interested that much I think she wants to get laid two from other guys so that right there would make me want to fuck all the time with every girl that I went out with LOL

[ohshee]

But it would also make me feel guilty just with talking with the girls and that would be the hardest part right there because down deep I would know if I start talking to a girl in the same situation that you're talking about it would lead to more things and I would feel guilty about that so guilty I probably wouldn't even do it

[ohshee]

So I wonder what he would say or how he would feel if one day he came home you got about 20 feet from the door all he heard was moaning and have him walk in and you just getting the fuck fuck out of you and enjoying every second of it I wonder what he would have to say on that one

[Asker]

So I've had other options become available and I kinda want to try them out but I can't with this exclusive thing - my morals won't allow me, and like I said he's fine for me to go on dates with them but if anything more than that happens then he wants to end it. but I can't guarantee that if I go on a date nothing will happen, and if it were to go that far I don't really want to keep on my mind that I have to send him a message before even doing anything with another guy in that way

[ohshee]

I really think he's blowing it because in a couple different ways I think he had it the chance to take it a little bit further with you but by doing what he did or saying what he did kind of make you think a little bit for me I like to explore and experience everybody has a different touch a different feel and energy and when two energies Bond and become what is it's the most beautiful feeling in the world I don't care if you half inch apart from each other or 10000 miles away you can feel it I think you have a very deep passion did is probably very beautiful passion and you feel energy so you know exactly what I'm talking about and I think you like to explore that too well whoever that guy is he's going to be pretty lucky

[Asker]

its not that I particularly want to fuck these other guys either, I don't really like people touching me and I'm extremely picky with guys. I picked him because he seemed lovely, its literally like hanging out with myself and I don't like to put pressures on anything. I'm content with just being able to hang out with him and as me and him both say sex is a bonus. We don't always have sex when we see each other so I'm just kinda lost. Like I'm happy to accept him just being my friend but it just seems like what we're in is just messy. If he wants to be exclusive I'm happy to do so as long as we're doing it properly, I'm extremely loyal and very devoted to people I care about so its hard for me to just move on. I care for him as a friend and I don't get feelings for people the same way as most do. I have to be told to think of them in that way (e. g they tell me they want to take things further or that they fancy me). Then as long as I think they're attractive (personality and physically) then its like a switch is flicked and I can guarantee I will get feelings for them. He knows this so I don't know why he's being weird, its not like he has said this stuff to me.

[SomeStoner]

Here's what's going on. You started having sex outside of a relationship, and now that you want a relationship, he doesn't see anything to gain because you already give him the most intimate thing possible.

The exclusivity thing could mean he caught feelings, or just he wants to keep you on layaway for when his date doesn't work out. If he's dating it's unlikely that he isn't also fucking.

You need to figure out what you want. Do you want a relationship? or not? Your post contradicts itself.
So choose:
A. You want a relationship: Basically say you're breaking it off until you're official.
B. You don't want a relationship: Fuck him until you're bored and then leave.

[Asker]

We started off with romantic intentions, an incident happened and we decided not to date romantically after that so maybe he's confused with how to act? As you said he's probably keeping me for if dates don't work out for him. Tbh I have no idea if he's even been on a date also I don't know what I want. I'm pretty content being friends with benefits without these extra stresses. -.-'

[Clarke498]

Oh yeah he just wants to keep you for himself and also make sure you don't move on. So here's what I would do if I were you.
I'd fuck his brains out as well as I could until I found someone better, than tell him to either step up and girlfriend you up, or you're going steady with the other guy.

[Asker]

The thing is I don't even care about being his girlfriend, my morals just won't let me find other options if we're exclusive because its obviously called exclusive for a reason. So when this shit goes on in stresses me out. Makes me feel bad for wanting to do my own thing. Thanks for you advice, it will be utilised in my decision making :)

[Clarke498]

Yours definition of exclusive is strange

[Clarke498]

Because if you're exclusive, date him.

[Asker]

My definition came from google because I don't really do the whole dating and relationship thing hahaha. I've told him from day 1 that we're friends. He wants to be exclusive which is stressing me out. If he wants to date other people then why be exclusive? It doesn't make sense

[Asker]

We did originally start off dating but something happened and we decided not to date from that point. I just had an anxiety attack at took it out on him. I had an extremely bad previous relationship. I've grown since then (been almost a year since) and never done it again but that made me decide I wasn't ready to date.

[Clarke498]

All I meant is that exclusive and dating goes hand in hand in my opinion.

[Asker]

well this is what I'm saying. like it doesn't make sense.

[JustinTimberlegs]

He thinks of you like a friends with benefits but doesn't want you sleeping around with others, he might not like the idea of you having multiple partners, risk of stds etc. He doesn't mind if you want to sleep around with others as long as you let him know first and stop things with him. I guess he doesn't want to share you with anyone, but also doesn't see it as anything more than temporary.

[Asker]

I've told him we can just be friends with nothing more but obvs he doesn't want that. we're both enjoying each others company in all the ways we can at the moment but if I go on a date with someone and like them then I'm probably gonna do a little more with them. I'm a lady, its pretty damn easy to get options so to me there's no point being exclusive because I could go on a date any day. The time he told me he didn't want anything more from me is when I had an anxiety attack and took it out on him a couple of months in to us knowing each other (I've apologised and he forgave me) though he has been providing mixed signals ever since. so we started out with possible romantic intentions so maybe thats confusing him with how friends with benefits should work?

[chriscdi]

You'd think a girl would know when they are being used, I have been proofed wrong

[Asker]

Unfortunately guys play games whether they want you seriously or not so its pretty hard to tell tit for tat. Its just better to get outside opinions when shit like this is going on to get a clearer picture. I'm also using him for sex, just want to know if I should drop or not. The sex is really really good.

[Asker]

Also this is not all men but most men.

[chriscdi]

Well this all comes down to how the whole situation makes you feel, , that's when you make a choice

[Browneye57]

No, you picked a loser. No guy worth his salt would want to share his beloved. And if he isn't gaga for you and want you to be all his, it will never amount to anything. You're just a hot-fuck for the moment.

[Browneye57]

On update...
You don't have feelings but you're fucking him anyway. The definition of insanity. What a loser.

[Asker]

People don't need to have feelings for each other to have sex...

[Browneye57]

Exactly. Just for losers. You'll see.

[Asker]

I've had a friend with benefits before and we're still friends to this day. We've never had any of these problems.

[Browneye57]

Of course not. You're well established as a cheap slut willing to fuck anything or anybody. LOSER.

[Asker]

thanks but you're wrong about me being a cheap slut and I'm not willing to fuck anyone or anything. I'm sure if I was a guy you wouldn't be saying this. The only loser here is you, have a nice day :)

[Anonymous]

No, you aren't. He wants to set all the rules and I think he's confused with what the definition of friends with benefits really is.

[Asker]

Do you have any idea what he could possibly want? Its confusing me and I can't keep my options open if we're exclusive. Stressing me out because if we can date and use dating apps then why are we exclusive?

[Opinion Owner]

I think you just need to move on and in the future, make sure the guy knows you aren't gonna be exclusive

[Asker]

I don't mind being exclusive, its just if we're going to be exclusive then lets just be exclusive properly. Feels like a waste of time. Thanks for your advice, genuinely really appreciated :)

[Opinion Owner]

Your welcome.

[888theGreat]

I am sure he is stopping at just a date. He is banging them like a hammer.

[karaspara]

Fuck that tell him to do one