I am in a bit of a dilemma that I am not sure how to handle. I worked with this guy for a few years, we will call him Bob. Bob and I never worked closely together, there was never any drama and we would chat politely from time to time about nothing of significance. There was a time where he messaged me of face book and I responded politely but remained kind of distant because I didn't want to encourage or give the impression I wanted anything further than to be colleagues.
A month or two ago he left, I am not sure if he quit or was let go. I never asked. Last night at about 4 in the morning my husband got a facebook message from Bob, where he claimed to have slept with me while he was employed here. His accusation is entirely false and I have no idea why he would make such an accusation, or what is going on. I tried to look up his facebook and bring up the old messages but it would appear that he has blocked me on facebook.
My husband is suspicious, rightfully so, I would be too if I were in his shoes. He messaged Bob back asking for proof, which I encouraged him to because there isn't any.. I am angry, hurt, and confused because I don't know why Bob would do something like this. I don't know if I somehow offended him, or gave him the wrong impression, or if he was drunk at 4 am in the middle of the week...
I could reach out, he has me blocked on social media, but I work in the business office at my job and I could get his information. The angry part of me wants to track him down and confront him, but he is already acting crazy and I don't want to make things worse because who knows what he might do. What would you do in a situation like this? How do you think I should deal with it? I don't know what to do...
Updates
+1 y
Thank you for all of the advice. After careful consideration I got his phone number from one of my coworkers and I called him last night with my husband present, and calmly asked if his Facebook got hacked because I got a weird message...… Turns out he had just broken up with his girlfriend and his ex decided to be a complete psycho. All is well now!
What would you do if an ex-coworker lied, and told your significant other that they slept with you?
This is so messed up on so many levels It's one thing that the guy did it for whatever reason There is no way in this world to take that one back if you put something in your husband's head and no matter what is going on
It's going to make you husband think of this that is so wrong on so many different levels
Well I hope that your husband believes in you more than that guy I would think that would be the case or at least I would hope it would be
And this is why I hate people that lie because the damage that they do by telling One Lie just fuck somebody's life up And it doesn't matter what you even say because you don't want to hear that you have no proof the news it is that person but it doesn't matter you put it in your husband's brain and that's what sucks
I really wish I knew what to say and I don't because in a lot of different ways I've been through the same thing the only thing that I could do was to be patient.
Cuz I lived by one thing and that is the truth will always come out but the damage is already done Maybe the guy didn't say that I don't know who your husband is what kind of guy he is but maybe the guy just talk to him about something and your husband's just taking a little bit further trying to get some information out of you to see what you might say I don't know
The other part that sucks is you could be doing something fun now this has to be in your mind and in your heart for quite a while now I just let it go it's kind of hard to do
Damn that is cool it's so weird I can breath again that's just to way invested. I need to stop coming on here I think.. well this is the best new and out come you could have . I dont know if I was reading in to all of your question but I have always felt you and your husband have had your fair share of problems. But you have hung in there . And I felt this here was either going to break it or make it stronger . Ok so now after all that do you believe him or do you think he was drunk and did something stupid
I believe him... out of everything it is the only thing that really makes sense. According to what he said on the phone, he didn't know my husband was listening in. Bob and his ex were apparently having some issues trying to navigate a semi open relationship, somewhere along the way he told her about a fantasy ( or lied and actually told her that we hooked up) that he had about me and after they broke up... She got into his Facebook account and then came after me... I was so relieved I cried
@Subarugirl. This chick is a dangerous and entitled woman. She felt she had every right to try to destroy your life, and she did not hesitate. Think about that.
@ Subaru girl I can understand that my Facebook was hacked not too long ago and it's still messed up well I'm glad that you guys got it all figured out because that was going to be a bumpy ride I think it's time for me to start putting triple passwords on all my accounts the world is changing just way too fast and there's a lot of people out there that just don't care about anybody but themselves
You're already doing everything I would be doing. Bob is a piece of garbage.. Based on your story here I have literally no idea why he would be doing this. It might be some kind of jealousy, but that's a really weird way to handle it... Like he wanted more with you, but you, rightfully so, shut him down. So he is pulling the "if I can't have her no one can" trope. Or maybe he is delusional. The fact that he blocked you strongly suggests that he wanted to hurt you, without the chance to defend your self.
You were right to get your SO to damand proof.. And I am glad he is taking your word over his.
I had a similar situation happen to me many years ago.. Back when Craig's list still did personal ads. Someone posted some rather nasty ads which included my cell number. (old cell number). It was an ex trying to fuck up my marriage. I gave my wife access to my Craigslist account so she could see I had never posted to the personals.. Like even before I met her.. Thank goodness my wife trusts me lol.
I personally would find him and confront him with your significant other present...
You're not wrong here. It could go badly. Right now there is nothing legally that can be done.. But if he starts threatening you or your SO, keep the messages and go to the police.
I mean this could potentially fall under defamation but at this point I'm not sure that perusing legal action would even be worth it unless things escalate.
It would definitely be defamation of character if he was telling everyone.. God I hope he isn't telling everyone, that's just evil. I would encourage your SO to block him if he can't produce said evidence.
Since you can't be certain how crazy this guy can get, it might be a good idea to talk to a lawyer, so that you can at least maintain a record of events should the situation escalate. Regarding your husband, just stick to your guns and don't waiver. The clarity in the way you wrote here strikes me as clear ringing truth. Give some time for both of you to recover from the shock of Bob's invasion into your lives but don't let it disrupt your life together any more than to treat it as the belligerent assault of a mentally unstable individual. There is something very disturbing and insidious about his behavior that makes it seem like a good idea to consult a lawyer. It may well turn out that this is a pattern of behavior with him.
Well I have had a lot of casual sex partners, everyone in town knew that I was open to some casual sex every now and then and that made it worst. A lot of guys I never did anything lied about their number. They would often name me in their list cause it seemed believable. It was already annoying for my boyfriend that he had to deal with a bunch of guys in our social circle that I once gave a bj on a drunk night, but the guys bragging about bj's they in never actually got from me is just ridiculous.
Your scenario and the guy texting him at 4am is just crazy
for the first part of the question, what would I do... it's easy, I would tell me girl... "well, that's not true, and I have no idea why would she come up with that stuff nor why she would send it to you" and that would be the end of it, there's no way in hell my girlfriend would not believe me because they know me better than most... and then maybe, we would wait to see what other kind of bs comes up, or maybe we just forget about it
now, the other part of the question, what you should do, well I think you should let it go too... first, because your husband should not doubt you, he should trust you 100% if he knows you well... now if he doesn't know you well or he cannot get himself to trust your word and your loyalty/commitment to him, then you have a different problem in your hands, and it is not about that psycho who made up stuff... and secondly, because you are NOT guilty till you prove your innocence... you're innocent till they prove that you're guilty, which is something they should not be able to accomplish and fabricate a whole set of fake evidence that shows you've done this...
so just let it go... and focus on the much better things you could be doing with your life
I would still be careful if you ever must interact with Bob again, because in my opinion you opening with your initial question when confronting him gave him a perfect opportunity too use that question to his advantage by making up the ex girlfriend dilemma on the spot. It sounds more like he was perhaps a little too saucy after a night of tequila shots scrolling through his phone at 4am when he came across your husband's profile & was reminded of being rejected & acted accordingly, well in accordance with his mushy tequila drenched brain & wanted too cause you some difficulty with his petty revenge plot. I get the impression that he felt you handled that situation in a manner that caused him too feel like you may think that you're better than him or something, basically he felt like you did him wrong which is likely a condition of his ego. I mean did his ex also go out of her way to make sure you were blocked when she carried out this conniving plan? That's the part that caused my eye brows too scrunch up displaying my brain's suspicion of Bob's claims. My guess is Bob saw a cardio partner in you, & was butt hurt when he discovered that you already had a cardio partner who put a ring on it. He was then thinking of a potential cardio workout, but with who? That's when he scrolled past your profile & saw your cardio partner's profile & then created the seed's for this ex girlfriend conspiracy too transpire. Bob needs to take his ass onto Okcupid & engage in conversations with potential cardio workout partner's there like a normal person.
That doesn’t make any sense… bob and I had worked together for four years. He was fired in January, so it makes no sense to wait until now to block me, and then reach out to my husband with a fantastical story.
Reason and evidence are great standards for establishing the truth of the matter. If he is unable to provide evidence and or provide the means of reasoning out that you did in fact do some thing then it would seem to be a matter of trust between you and your husband. I know that’s a pretty big accusation, but we live in a society that believes in innocent until proven guilty, not the French way which is the opposite. Highly charged emotional issues like this tend to he thought I was by the people involved as guilty until proven innocent however. Can you account for Your location at the alleged time of the alleged incident? If you can and Bob can’t, that should be the end of it.
Thats terrible, really shocking behaviour by him. If in that situation, you might want to consider legal action. He purposely contacted your husband to potentially ruffle the trust in your relationship and that could (but hopefully won't) lead to marriage problems at a later date that could have major financial implications.
Definitely report it, I'm assuming this guy doesn't have evidence of you both being alone somewhere for long period of time?
No he doesn't because we never were. I had my husband screen shot the message so that there is evidence if I need it. I don't know who to report it to.. at this point it would be considered so insignificant, I doubt that anything could be done about. I can't say anything to HR because he doesn't work here any more, and legally.. defamation laws are kind of vague. Unless he is telling that to a bunch of other people, I don't think I could take legal action.
You might be able to try going to a lawyer and ask if you have a case here. you can go here too to this website and ask lawyers about your situation fully anonymous of course.
unless this situation escalates, I don't think there is much ground for legal action here at this point. How ever I did have my husband screenshot the message so that there is a paper trail just in case.
yes. well i still encourage you to ask at that website... you know jic you feel you do want to go that route you can have a clue from lawyers there as to whether you can or not
I'd honestly leave it be, sounds like a headcase, don't want to stir more vindictiveness from him. I wouldn't worry about your husband, the guy won't be able to provide any evidence so there is nothing to worry about. Anyway your husband should trust you and not the word of some crazy stranger.
This is another reminder of how much social media is a sewer. I don't generally use it. Oh, I dabble around in Reddit and this website, but Twitter and Facebook are mostly business-related. This is the thing. You should NEVER give cause for your mate to distrust you! Nothing wrong with having some drinks after work every once in a while, but not 2 or 3 times a week. No strange BS with the phone. Get my point here? Then if an unfounded allegation gets made hopefully the mate will accept your denial at face value and move on past it. Let's just put it this way. IF the relationship is a good solid relationship there should be no issues with trust. KEEP IT THAT WAY!
It hurts more that your SO would question it. He should trust you more than that. You said your say. Stick with it. It’s all you can do.
Highly recommend not getting defensive or pull back. Know it’s just frayed emotions. Keep calm and let things settle. Calm and consistent. Shows truth.
Honestly when a colleague of my not yet existing partner, said something like that to me.. I wouldn't really believe it until she could show me some evidence to back up her story.
I think you should listen and trust your partners words, unless you feel a itch in your gut and there is something wrong about it
I wouldn't try to reach out to bob, there is no evidence and proof and he is just an asshole, I feel like your husband should see that bob was just talking shit and left immediately afterwards, for me it's obvious that he was just trying to break you two apart.
Also I'm sure that you can show your husband, that there was nothing, I guess you were already all the time with your husband, how could you have time for ugly ass Bob
Glad "all is well", however, this part here was disturbing to read: "My husband is suspicious, rightfully so" Really? By what "right"? Does your husband have so little faith in you or your marriage that he would be swayed by a random FB message from a stranger? "I would be too if I were in his shoes." Same point as above.
If "Facebook gossip" is all it takes to shake the foundation of a marriage, I wonder how solid it is, no offense meant.
I showed this to my partner and asked what her first reaction would be. She said: "I'd wonder who was out to get you or try and hurt you, and why?" Suspicion that it may be true was never in her thought process, she said.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
Why would he indeed. If I were you I wouldn't get wrapped up in the "drama" or too upset over it (I mean it's upsetting don't get me wrong, but he's trying to get to you for whatever reason, and it's working! Don't let it.). I look at the bottom lines and the facts. Is there trust in your relationship? He has to prove those claims, or it just shows how immature he is. And if your husband knows and trusts you, then he would have no "reason" to take a strangers word over yours. Granted it does make one wonder and could damage that trust, but again, where's the proof. Pretend it's a court of law, anyone can SAY anything at anytime, doesn't make it true.
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
You can't do much about it other than try to convince your guy that all the allegations are false but don't shove it in his face. Just calmly tell him you did nothing wrong and that he should think about it. Don't force him to trust you but let him know you're trustworthy.
About this other clown, fuck him, you can't do anything about him so just cut off all contact with him and once your guy has calmed down, ask him to do the same so he can never interfere in your lives again.
But keep in mind, this Bob guy seems creepy, he might resort to stalking you so be careful of him and try to stay safe from him.
Bob has nothing to do with this. This is between you and your husband. You told him that what Bob said is false, he should have believed you, and that should have been it. When you suggested that he contact Bob and ask for proof, (this is guy logic), you left open the door that it might have been true.
At this stage, all you can do is tell your husband (again) that what Bob said is untrue, and drop it. If you have a good relationship, things will turn out fine.
My husband and I are fine, that is not an issue. I don't know what todo about, Bob, because if he is going around lying about be that is slander and if he is writing it then that is libel.
Beat my head against the wall for being “Stupid” and mixing my work/private lives. Suing the 💩 out of someone, both husband and wife for Slander, and posting those Processes on Linked-In and Facebook to start…. UNLESS, it could be proven that I was “Stupid” enough to provide first contact via email or phone, including but not limited too car or resident cameras proving otherwise.
I personally would not care about how he felt right now. I would track him down and confront him. If he didn’t apologize and explain himself I would then publicly call him out on his lies. His lies have put a unnecessary strain on your relationship and not only did he hurt you. He has hurt your husband with one of the worst fears of most men.
Don't track him down, that could give the wrong impression to the wrong people. Your husband trusts you and you've told him you never did, guy is just an a-hole. Move beyond, we never know why people do this.
Don't know why guys lie and say they've done stuff like that, when they never did or what his motivation was.
That’s crazy! Unfortunately I don’t have the life experience to give you any real advice but I think what you’re doing so far you’re doing the right thing. He’s probably just pissed that you rejected him when he kinda hit on you on fb.
Ooof.. people these days. I would still report it, all of it. If he comes to work with the same alligations you want a recorded paper trail.
I would just go up to hr and say "I know you can't do anything about this, but I want this recorded Incase things escalate". Always best to cover yourself.
You already said your husband trusts and he didn't blindly trusted him which is a huge positive in this scenario, Bob just wants to creatr distress in your marriage and you shouldn't message or call coz he might manipulate in against you, try to comfort your husband more and he if tries do anything in future report him for defamation
You have to convince your partner, tell him that he is trusting a stranger over you, that Bob is lying to destroy the relationship and like a retard he ate it all up, tell him you don't think it's fair that you stay loyal and at the end of the day he is going to believe a stranger that lied because he is jealous of the relationship you are in, you can tell when someone is telling the truth, look at him in the eyes when you say it, the truth is the truth
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