Did I scare this guy off?

[Anonymous]

Did I scare this guy off?

So I went over and hung out with the guy I’ve been talking to for about a month and things have been going great.

I was a little wine drunk and we were in bed and this guy and I may have gotten into it a bit. I could tell he was frustrated because I was having a hard time telling him how I felt in regards to how much I love spending time with him and hanging out with him and hope that this can become something more.

basically I told him I was falling in love with him and all he responded was with I know how you feel and I like our things are with us as well and I’m working towards us and want this to work out. and the reason I say we got into it was because at first he was getting frustrated and saying well it’s the middle of the night and I have to be up early and You’re talking in circles and it definitely became annoying at some point and eventually we fell asleep.

this morning he woke up for work and told me that I could sleep in a little bit at his place and to just lock up when I leave, that’s also the first time he’s left me alone in his place when he leaves for work. he kissed me goodbye and left

I can’t help but to feel though because of what I said there may be some animosity or if I have scared him off. I texted him that I left his place and he asked if I got home. Made a joke about me sleeping in his shirt and that was pretty much it.

[Anonymous]

Saying that you’re falling in love and it’s only been a month could be a little bit of a put off, but mostly for a guy who isn’t ready for a relationship. Sure what you said could be a lot to take in, but if he wants something serious in the future it won’t scare him off. Have you asked him where he stands as far as wanting to date? I know sometimes women are afraid to ask that question as to not freak the guy out, and instead wanna go with the flow and be the “cool” girl. But it’s a waste of time and feelings on your end if he doesn’t want more as well.

[Asker]

So it was pulling teeth but he finally admitted that it felt like I wanted way more way faster at this time.

I am a very straight forward person and just say how I feel. I was really enjoying the time we are spending and talking to each other and of course I said what I said. However, I am more than happy to take things slow as that was never the case in my past relationships and it was unhealthy but this guy seems so much more mature than the guys I've dated in the past and understand and appreciate taking it slow to really develop something.

I agree with you, I definitely put him off and that was not my intention. I think with whatever he's got going on and on top of me saying I was falling for him, he is still very worried. We talked a bit today and I said "I have a feeling you're still feeling worried" and he responded with "Haha a little bit but its all goood"

So again, I don't know what to really make of it as he still hasn't fully called it quits but I think indirectly asked that we slow down. He has some of my things and I only have a shirt of his and he said that I can come grab my things whenever and I told him "sure I can also drop your shirt off whenever if thats kinda where you want to leave it at" and he said "Nooo just throwing it out there. I just think you're wanting way more way faster at this point in time and I don't want to hold you back"

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe you should consider asking him what he’s looking for from a woman right now. I think it’s very mature and sensible of you to be willing to take things slow, but despite your strong feelings, you are in the perfect position to walk away from this without being very hurt, given you aren’t on the same page. Taking things slow is how it should be, but only if he wants what you want. Does he want a relationship at some point? Because all that ‘I don’t want to hold you back’ stuff could easily be a method of dragging his feet a few weeks from now. I used to think the way you do, but my best friend who’s a marriage counselor advised me long ago that dating with intent is so important. Once I did that, I met the man I’m with now, we got into a relationship about a month in, and have been together for a year now. But if I didn’t date with intention I’d still be waiting for the man who gave excuses but no actions for months.

[Asker]

I think a relationship is something he does want eventually. I don't know what his past relationships looked like but he's been single for about 2 1/5 years and his past relationships lasted about 2-3 years.

Maybe they didn't work out and he's taking a different approach but what do I know. Also for context, I am 27 and he is 29 if that really matters.

Oh and the reason I think he does want a relationship eventually maybe after he figures things out is because he's talked about going on trips in the future, fun dates we can go on, and also (this is the cake) we were talking and I mentioned how I've been in pajamas all day studying and he responded with "Haha your cute pajamas and walking around our place someday" which was like woah.

[Opinion Owner]

I don’t want to seem like I’m shooting down the positives, I genuinely don’t lol but I’ve learned the best route is to not have any expectations for at least the first two months. I do get your perspective, I’ve been there. Like my ex before this one was talking about those sorts of things like two weeks in and that felt really good. We did talk about travel since he does for his job, I’d cook for him and he’d say he looked forward to eating like that all the time, how many kids I wanted, where I’d want to live, the whole deal. But I never clarified what he wanted and that’s how I wasted 5 months of time. I’m not sure what’s holding you back from asking him that question, maybe it’s fear or whatever, but I’m just saying it’s not too much. You aren’t asking for his hand in marriage or to dive into a relationship, but knowing what he wants rather than assuming would be super helpful. At least consider it🙏

[Asker]

Maybe if I get the opportunity to see him again I will ask him what he's looking for in a woman right now. You are so right though, it is fear holding me back since I've already worried him with telling him how I felt too soon.

We talked again yesterday for a bit. I gave him another opportunity to end it and call it quits but he still hasn't taken it. He just said that it did come off that I wanted way more way fast at this time but that it was "all good" so I've given him space since and will continue to do so until he's ready to reach out.

I'm pretty bummed because we went from talking to each other every day to now barely talking and I hate how the dynamic has changed and things feel off. I know giving space is the best course of action right now and I hope he does eventually come back. I've been in so many positions like this before and they never did and it's giving me so much anxiety because this guy has been so genuine from the beginning.

[Opinion Owner]

Having been in similar situations in the past, I’m sure you have some anxiety and worries about it all falling apart, then going through the cycle of not feeling good enough, upset that another thing didn’t work out, and other troublesome thoughts that I can totally relate to. But you shouldn’t let fear of those results allow you to adjust your standards to accommodate poor behavior. Being single isn’t always fun, but it’s not the worst thing and it’s a heck of a lot better than investing time in a situation that ultimately will not serve you. It’s sucky that a lot of us women deeply fear opening up to a guy, because so often we wind up in the situation where that guy starts backpedaling and you feel like being quiet is the safest route. But it simply isn’t, because you need to be able to say what’s on your mind, not follow a mental rule book to “keeping a man 101”. Ask the hard questions, step outside of the comfort zone. Because I can say with 100% certainty that a guy who’s really about you would not have you feeling this way. You’d feel safe, reassured, and comfortable. Not like this, where you are giving him opportunities to leave because you fear you’ve blown it with your honesty. Of course he won’t openly say he wants to be done, especially if sex is either involved or expectantly going to happen. So rather than beat yourself up, let the cards fall as they may. When you get a chance, ask him what he wants and if he leaves, then he’s not for you, and this is not the end of the world. You’ll just be patient again and wait for the right guy, because even if it’s not this guy, he is out there.

[Opinion Owner]

Also, remember that it’s important to make the man earn that pedestal you place him on. One month in, you are currently seeing his best face, but once the mask lifts up because he has you and doesn’t have to work at it anymore, you may not like the person you see. So rather than praise his good behavior, seemingly mature personality and general ability to be a decent man, feel your emotions in a bit and see that he earns it. Otherwise you’ll stay in this cycle of feeling like you’ll lose the best man ever when he may not even be that at all.

[Opinion Owner]

*reel your emotions in a bit

[Asker]

you have given me some really good advice and answers and I appreciate you, unlike some people in here who just troll.

we hadn’t talked since Friday and I did try slightly reaching out to him today just asking how his weekend was but he hasn’t responded but I did see on his social media that it looks like it like he’s in Vegas so I’m not trying to think too much into it and make myself believe that he’s a party and that he’s just having a weekend away with his buddies. I definitely have put this guy on a pedestal I need to reel in my emotions for sure. I know he wants to take things slow and I am so good with that but it definitely sucks not hearing from him as much and being afraid to ask him when we’ll get to hang out again. I honestly just don’t really know how to approach this now because we’re obviously still in each others lives but not at the same capacity as before. Now that I have a little more time to think about it I feel like yes we did move a little too fast but I was also trying to match the piece he was going at but maybe I was just a lot more for that he was and read the entire situation wrong and now it has me worried that we were moving too fast, like I said I’m fine with taking things slow but I don’t really know how to do that just because we’ve already established a certain pace that was already moving in a quick direction.

He has a pretty busy work week coming up with training for his fire house and I don’t think I’ll hear from him for another week or so but I’m worried that he won’t reach out and I’m afraid to do the reaching out because I don’t want to push him away even further than I already have

[Asker]

lots of typos in that haha

[Opinion Owner]

No worries, fortunately there’s still many of us on here who aim to help, not troll and be ridiculous or rude. Hopefully since it’s been some hours now you’ve heard from him, but all I can really say is to just ate back and let the cards fall as they may. Previously I thought you’d said you were falling in love with him (which can be a lot) but if you only said you were falling for him, it’s not a bad thing. Even though it’s been a month, you’ve been investing time, emotionally, physically, all that. Unless you’re a cold hard robot then of course you’ve gained interest in him. What’s sad about it is you should’ve been able to confess that and it being you closer, not drive a wedge between you. What he’s doing now, hardly talking and stuff, to me is very telling as to how he is really taking this. I’m at an age where I understand that actions do far more than words ever could, and even though he’s saying it’s all good, if he isn’t acting like it anymore then clearly he’s not being honest. I’d say that I’d he’s the sort to backpedal that hard then let him go. Like I was saying before, you had put this guy on a pedestal that he hasn’t worked for and may not even deserve. He should earn the praise you give and right now he is not.

[Opinion Owner]

Taking things slow is totally fine and absolutely appropriate, but just make sure you’re even on the same page before committing fully to that slow pace. Remember your presence in someone’s life is just as important as you’re perceiving his to be, so if he’s not appreciating you, making you feel insecure or uncertain as to where you stand then walk away.

[Asker]

I did finally hear from him last night at around 9:30pm. He just responded very blanket with "Its good in Vegas lol" and so I kept trying to keep the conversation light like what the occasion was and just made a joke saying he's probably up to no good (its Vegas lol) and he just mentioned he's been drinking and that he is absolutely not being good and that there are no rules. It was kind of weird and honestly his lack of enthusiasm to want to talk and just not let things be weird frustrated me. So last thing I said was, "also not when you'll be back but I can drop off your things whenever. I have a feeling you dont want to hang out anymore and thats fine if thats what you want"

I know I probably shouldn't have said that but all this animosity or tension is really making me uncomfortable because I don't know where we're at when things were going so great. He has not responded to that text since.

[Asker]

Also, I obviously do feel stupid for saying that because it was probably out of pocket and a little irrational.

Do you think it'll be okay if I sent a follow up text apologizing, something along the lines like: "hey i'm sorry about that. that was a bit irrational. its just a bummer not really talking to you and it's definitely an uncomfortable feeling. I enjoy hanging out with you and want to continue to do so but it's hard to tell what you want right now. I need to take my time and don't want to rush into anything and this whole thing has me pretty worried too."

[Opinion Owner]

Not saying this in a harsh way so I really hope you don’t take it like that, but if you aren’t already then busy yourself, find a distraction and don’t say anything else. Right now you are pushing the idea that something is wrong, and therefore making something wrong. What you said was perfectly fine, believe me, but when you keep asking if things are ok, offering to return his things, wanting to apologize profusely, trying to recover from what you said, it’s all just too much and if anything pushes him away it will be your anxiety. Because you are blowing this up in your mind massively, when you should be letting it go so you can move on. One thing to know about a man is if he doesn’t wanna stay, nothing will keep him. You could’ve not said a single word in the first place, been absolutely perfect, etc.; but if he didn’t have the intention to stay in the first place then nothing you did would have changed the outcome. So no more beating yourself up and stressing so hard over this guy that to be honest, you don’t even really know. I get that he’s the first one in a while that you’ve really felt interested in or you felt like he brought a lot to the table, but girl he is just human, and certainly not the only man that has his shit together. So take some of your eggs out of his basket, keep exploring your options, focus on you period. That is the best route right now.

[Opinion Owner]

An afterthought, but I wanted to add that you don’t need any verbal finalizations from him, it’s more of a want. Aside from the thought of losing this person, you want him to tell you he’s done if that’s even the case, but the thing is his actions are telling you everything you need to know already. If what you said freaked him out that bad, then maybe he isn’t the right guy, and I couldn’t say that to you if I hadn’t been there before.

[Asker]

So he did finally respond to the text I sent. He just said "It's all good. We can figure it out this week. I have work Wednesday - Saturday so"

I just told him , "sounds good. I'm sorry if the text was a bit much. I like spending time with you but let me know when you're back and when you're ready to figure it out"

Probably shouldn't have responded and let him reach out but I couldn't help myself haha.. I don't really know what there is to figure out because I figure if he's already made the decision in his head then what's there to figure out and he would've just given me a day to swing by to drop off his shirt and get my things? Haha

[Opinion Owner]

Glad you heard from him, although I’d say not to apologize so much lol it’s a hard trait to break as a naturally kind person, but you’re essentially apologizing for being yourself. Whether it’s him or someone else, say what’s on your mind and do what feels rig unapologetically. It’ll sit well with the right person, without you feeling the need to say sorry so much☺️. Also yeah, definitely let him reach out first next to set a date and stuff. Just to gauge his genuine interest. Because you wanna know that even if you don’t reach out, you two will talk.

[Asker]

I am also glad I heard back but I feel like I have a lot more anxiety now leading up to when he reaches out to "figure it out" because I don't know what that means haha.

Yes saying sorry is definitely a hard habit to break and I definitely catch myself apologizing a lot which is something I've noticed and recognize.

Now I'm just overthinking what "we'll figure it out this week" means because I don't know if he means figure out when to talk about the situation or figure out when to get our things back and call it quits which is obviously not the outcome I want :/

[Opinion Owner]

Trust me I totally get you on the sorry thing, it was hard for me to correct myself too until I stopped being hard on myself for certain things. Like in the past I would’ve also felt bad for telling a guy I’m falling for him, but now it’s like why is that so bad? Being vulnerable should not be shameful, if anything it’s his response as the days have gone by that’s been disappointing. My guess with the figure it out thing would be setting a day and time, but if you don’t hear from him about it today then I’d be over it, since he’s essentially saying he’s unavailable from wed-sat. Anyway, if his ultimate objective is to step back from you then please do yourself the favor of not stressing it. Maybe he seemed like an amazing guy but like I said, if that one confession sent him running for the hills then to me it says he’s not looking for anything serious right now, just casual, and you shouldn’t settle for that. I’d say to preoccupy yourself the best you can, and don’t worry about things with him so much. I wouldn’t mention exchanging items anymore either, at least not as a gateway conversation. Like if he is ghosting, he probably doesn’t mind losing a shirt in the process, and hopefully your items weren’t irreplaceable or super important. you’d just let the clothes and him go, if it comes to that.

[Asker]

This definitely sucks. I definitely don't want something like this to end just yet because I genuinely enjoyed his company and liked the process of getting to know him. I did ask when he was back from Vegas after he said "we'll figure it out this week" and he hasn't responded. Just trying to figure out how we're supposed to "figure it out" when he's gone for more than half the week lol.

I don't know what to do other than give him space but my anxiety is driving me nuts.

[Opinion Owner]

Doesn’t this feel bad to you that you keep having to reach out? I mean I know you like the guy, but if he isn’t responsive or trying to arrange anything, wouldn’t that prompt you to step back and let him reach out to you? The last thing you want is to seem desperate for him at any capacity, and he shouldn’t feel like he has you reeled in that hard in such a short time. There’s no thrill to that, no element of chase or motivation to pursue when you’re showing him that you’re fine doing all the legwork. Your time is valuable as well, and since it’s Tuesday and he isn’t initiating anything, just out of respect for your own boundaries you should leave it alone and reject any last minute invites because this is really messed up of him. You’re very focused on what you feel you did wrong without acknowledging that this is actually a dick move on his end by slowly going ghost rather than be upfront.

[Asker]

Definitely feels bad. Last thing I said yesterday morning was "sounds good. I'm sorry if that text was a bit much. I like spending time with you but let me know when you're ready to figure it out" so I've left that ball in his court and giving him space to get through his work week (he's working 4days wed - sat) and maybe process his emotions.

I haven't reached out since and don't plan to! Promise I am trying haha. That's all I can really do anyways. I'm just feeling anxious that when he does reach out, it isn't to completely end things. I do think he genuinely likes me and enjoys hanging out but once some serious emotions got involved, it spooked him.

If I was in his shoes, it would scare me too.

[Opinion Owner]

As long as you’re trying then that’s what matters!☺️ I don't know I guess my thing is, why is it scary to date with intent? You told the guy you’re falling for him not asking him to meet you at the alter lol. When I was dating I was 100% straightforward and didn’t care how it was perceived because I knew if I’m investing time in someone I wanted a relationship. One of the very first things I’d ask is what the guy’s intention was for dating me, and if it scared them off then oh well, I’d sleep better knowing my time wasn’t being wasted on someone who didn’t want a girlfriend and just looking for casual company he can have sex with and her boyfriend privileges. I didn’t settle for a single guy until I found my current boyfriend. We got into a relationship like a month and a half after meeting, because we both wanted the same thing. I’d be lying if I said I always approached dating that way, but after too many disappointments and failed situations you just get sick of wasting your time.

[Asker]

So something odd happened today. Maybe not crazy odd but definitely confusing given the situation.

Today was just a long day filled with so much anxiety because I feel like this guy and I are in this weird limbo of are we done or not? So one of the last texts I sent yesterday morning was asking when he was getting back since he had mentioned "Its all good, we'll figure it out. I'm gone for work wed-sat so"

He actually texted me this morning at 11am letting me know he was getting back today. Of course in my head I'm like "oh great, is this when he tells me to come get my stuff and give his back and thats the end" but I just asked him how his trip was and he started telling me how much fun he had and that he needed to recover (vegas will do that to ya) and I just told him that I was glad he had such a great time. He then asked me how my weekend was and I asked about his vegas trip a bit more and the conversation seemed normal and light. No mention of the weirdness between us and I honestly dont really know what to make of it.

Are things actually fine and "all good" with us? Like he said it was? So definitely was confusing but it was just nice to talk to him in a lighthearted way. We texted from 11am to 11pm and his replies weren't taking hours or super dragged out either.

[Opinion Owner]

I think the better question here would be what sort of behavior from him is ok with you? Right now it feels like you’re trying to be the chill girl, not questioning his actions, not asking what he wants from you or why he feels it’s ok to essentially go awol just because he’s in Vegas. Your tactic is silent, casual, chill, no questions or risk losing him, and that frame of mind is not only toxic but what can get you very hurt in the end. Right now, so early in, is the time where you are laying the foundation as to what treatment will happen in the future, and what sort of behavior he will not only always expect from you, but will equate with your worth. Currently he is seeing that when it’s party time in Vegas (or wherever) with the boys, little to no communication with you is ok. In fact, little to no communication in general is ok, and rather than having to apologize or explain it, he gets welcomed back with open arms and casual conversation all day. Maturity seems to be a big factor for you, but maturing is also realizing that you are actually the prize and not everyone deserves access to you. It’s also realizing that you shouldn’t have to lessen yourself or your emotions at any capacity because you’ve made his presence in your life more than yours in his. If things work with him, you want to be sure he respects you and your time, and is doing the real work to earn your presence every day, just as you’d do for him. Today is Wednesday, and if it has not been a priority for him to arrange a date without any prodding from you, then that says a lot about his interest and whether or not you should give him more of your time.

[Opinion Owner]

**more valuable than yours in his

[Asker]

Oh I'm in no way going to let go the situation that happened, like I know there needs to be a conversation had and boundaries and intentions set but I just found it pretty weird that we were texting as normal. I don't know when its going to take place but I don't plan on asking him when that is since he is well aware it's supposed to/going to happen.

He knows what I'm looking for and I understand that he needs to respect it. I do like the guy but I still feel like we're in this weird limbo of "whats going on between us" and I don't like that. It's either he stops wasting my time or tell me what he wants right now.

It was nice just talking to him lightly but now I feel like it's my turn to pull back because all of this has me worried now. I'm not pulling back to play games because first off, I don't have time for that haha. I do feel however I need to take a moment to myself and really think about whether or not this guy is going to be worth pursuing. I like him, I enjoy spending time with him, and I don't think he has ill-intentions but this whole thing has given me anxiety and hasn't made me feel great and I know I need to put myself first because I am sick and tired of getting hurt or disappointed.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m really glad to hear that this is your thought process🙏. I definitely get what you mean about pulling back, because it’ll give him the opportunity to (hopefully) step up, and for you to walk away if need be without a lot of emotional damage to deal with. I do hope that he doesn’t let you down and is ultimately a good guy, but if he winds up just not being that dude, then please don’t feel discouraged or at fault. I know you were really cringing about what you said, but coming from an outside party I just hope you know it wasn’t that bad at all, and I’d have no problem letting you know that lol. Society has conditioned us to want to be the cool girlfriend, and fear repercussions for having certain thoughts and feelings. But trust me, all of that is bullshit. Be yourself, unapologetically. When I stopped trying to make men comfortable, while making myself uncomfortable, everything changed. It didn’t matter what background the guy had or how perfect he looked on paper, if he wasn’t living up to my expectations or taking away from my peace of mind, he got the boot. Personally I’d say to give your guy the rest of the week, and if he doesn’t do some really stand-up things, then drop him. Already I feel like it would be hard for you, but much easier than doing it in the future.

[spartan55]

Sounds like you should cut down on the wine... being an annoying drunk is never a turn on.

[ColHathi]

I bet you're just overthinking it :)

[Asker]

Very likely. My mind is a dangerous place sometimes haha

But we talked about it a little today and he told me that it did worry or scare him which is why I feel so bad and stupid because I don’t want this to end and he’s been really great to hang out with.

He responded with:

No I know. I’ve been transparent and just working on things. I don’t know if relationships are in my near future or not so just so you know. I’m happy just hanging out

and so I don’t really know how to or make of it. Past dating experiences led to it ending and he is well aware that I’m not looking to just hook up which he was been very respectful of

[ColHathi]

Sounds like he's fine as long as things stay the way they are, so I still wouldn't worry. Are you happy with things staying the way they are though?

[Asker]

What about that makes you think he seems fine? Genuine question because maybe there's something I'm not understanding.

I am happy with the pace we are going at now. It's slow and I think thats the best way because I have dated or been in past relationships that went too fast and ultimately ended badly. This is definitely new to me but I am actually enjoying it but obviously the end goal is to be in a relationship.

[ColHathi]

Well you talked it out afterwards, right? I got the impression that he just felt pressured by all that talk about love. As long as you two can avoid that, things should be fine, right?

[Asker]

Yeah we talked about it a little afterwards. He was honest and said he felt like I wanted way more way faster at this point in time and he doesn't want to hold me back.

I get where my actions led him to think the rush but I am honestly happy with the pace we're going because I want to take my time for a genuine connection. I asked him if he wanted to stop and leave it at that but he just said it was all good. He's still a little worried but its all good as in I guess he wants to continue hanging out and just taking it at the pace we're both comfortable at?

So I plan on giving him space for the rest of the weekend and have him reach out once those worries ease. I felt I gave him opportunity to call it quits and end things but he seems to still want to continue. He mentioned that if I wanted to come pick up my things and he'll have it ready and I responded with "sure if thats where you kinda wanna leave it at" and he said "Nooo. Just throwing it out there"

I think he does genuinely enjoy my company as much as I enjoy his and the feeling of way too fast worries him.

[ColHathi]

I bet you're right :) I hope it works out.

[Ismellahater]

its because he want sex