Guys who make unprovoked confessionals?

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I met this guy online a while ago. Close to two and a half, three weeks. He's been really decent, we have a lot in common, is gentlemanly and respectful if I address any boundary crossed, etc. We're planning on meeting in person next weekend. Here's the kicker. He's had nothing but pretty good things to say about his kid's mom until today... Today he confessed, pretty unprovoked but following me sharing something pretty personal, that she's accused him of being inappropriate with his child in a sexual manner. He told me his side, I'm a very objective person and did a bit of digging after the talk and didn't see anything abnormal from the kid's pictures but that's not really a good tell. He says he's innocent. I know their initial split was terrible via him, but he's been saying how they're communicating better now and she's allegedly inconsistent (ie just gave him two extra days (allegedly) amidst the allegations, says they're working on a fresh start, etc.) I'm trying extremely hard to continue to be objective. He doesn't seem to worry his child is suffering any kind of abuse and has told me that even the guardian says his child has no signs (allegedly). I guess my question is why would he offer so much of this info to me? He said I don't have to talk to him anymore if it's a lot... My main issue is that I had an ex who manipulated me in this EXACT way by confessing to these horrid things and downplaying them (nothing like this scenario) before I heard about them, and then I'd think it wasn't a big deal. He was just some SUPER honest guy. When in reality he was a HUGE fucking liar and terrible person. I don't want to project that onto this guy, but I am concerned. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I think what’s happening here is that you’re confusing your fear of projecting with your god given women’s intuition. You’ve already gone through a very similar thing with your ex, so when you see it happening again, why stay? Right now, early in is the best time to wash your hands of a man with clear red flags, and continue being patient until you find a man with less baggage. Personally I get leery of men with young children and baby mama drama in general, but this situation not only sounds messy, but comes with a very concerning story that you’re only getting one side of. I know it’s exciting when you connect with a man after searching for one, and you don’t want to risk potential by overthinking and want to give benefit of the doubt. But when the writing is on the wall, you should turn your head as not to see it.

[Asker]

I understand what you're saying. And I've met some ABSOLUTE creeps before this one that I have done that to.

What puts me in a position here is I've seen a very similar thing happen to one of my friends before - he WAS innocent by the way - so I get that it can happen.

This isn't so much about women's intuition, which I am very in tune with, but more about the fact that I'm trying to decipher why he would offer so much personal information to me.

[Opinion Owner]

What’s worrisome is not necessarily the reason why he’s offering so much information so soon, because some people are just naturally over sharers, or feel a need to establish that sense of connection, trust and honesty. The more troublesome issue at hand is the story itself, and how you’re only getting his explanation. It’s great that your friend’s experience ended up being positive, but with what you have on your plate that just shouldn’t be a determining factor, especially with this. In this generation with how much access we have to stories of women who fell for men they would’ve never thought could do xyz, my advise would be seriously tapping into that intuition you say you’re very in tune with, and go with your head, not your heart. It’s just very soon in for such a revelation, and one that even women who have been in a relationship with the guy for months wouldn’t stand by him for; let alone where you are now, in the talking stage. Would you want to continue forward, standing by him through these accusations when you don’t even really know him? These are just things to consider when making your next choice, that’s all.

[Asker]

I understand that. I have been assaulted enough to know what it does to children and I am 100% thinking with my head. I'm not in any shape or form really emotionally attached to this guy yet. But if there is potentially a child being hurt in any way I'd rather know than not.

I also know there is a HUGE stigma for decent men who's lives have been ruined by false allegations such as this. I see both sides of the coin.

The only thing I was wondering was if it would be normal for a man to divulge something like this in this type of situation.

I'm not in any position right now to stand by him or denounce him. I feel like you're taking my question out of context and putting much more thought into it than there needs to be. I'm a very capable and logical person. I don't think with my emotions nearly enough from what I've been told.

I'm just not a man and wanted to know, with my lack of social skills, if it would be normal for a man to divulge this kind of stuff to a new friend.

[Opinion Owner]

You feel like I’m taking your question out of context, and I feel like you’re getting a bit defensive, for no reason really. Maybe you’re misinterpreting what I’ve said, because in no way have I accused you of being naive, illogical, or incapable. All I did was present some fair aspects of his situation to consider in your decision making, while also answering your question as to why I felt he disclosed so much information so soon. Keep in mind that I don’t know you personally, and feel no sort of way to judge, or assume your character. This is just plain advice from a stranger on the outside looking at the perspective you’ve given, and ultimately trying to be helpful. That’s what this site is for. If you don’t agree with things I’ve said and/or feel offended or whatever then hey, the space between what i say and how you interpret it is none of my business. Wishing you luck with your situation and I hope you you have a positive outcome.

[Asker]

Nor did I say you said that, but that's kind of how it feels when you say things such as 'i encourage you to follow your head, not your heart' and 'would you want to stand by this man through thi'. In my head, we aren't even at that point in this friendship yet so to me those statements are irrelevant.

To me, the most important thing in this situation is a child who someone at some point either thought was showing signs of abuse, or decided to fake it. Either are psychologically damaging to a child.

I'm not offended in any way, I was just pointing out the things you touched on that I did not feel were relevant, which is neither your fault nor my fault since the internet only allows for so much insight and context from any side and everyone communicates differently through writing. I'm sorry you felt I was offended or defensive, but neither are true.

I appreciate your insight, but a lot of these things I already thought about or were irrelevant in my head at the time I wrote the question.

The part where you said people can be over sharers or very open I understood. Those were the kinds of things I was looking for. I was trying to provide context on what my question was specifically while also trying to reassure you I'm not in any kind of emotionally turbulent headspace.

Thank you for your well wishes and I am also hoping that this has a more positive outcome than negative! <3

[BarryLiverstone]

Think your experience with your ex has made you very wary of liars. Are you still playing to meet this new guy?

[Asker]

It's definitely made me very paranoid. I'm not sure yet. Part of my curiosity wants to meet him because I'm better picking up on tones and body language. Part of the innocent side of me wants to go because I became agoraphobic after that last ex over five years ago and this will be my first time meeting up with anyone. Another part of me was nervous even before this because of being hurt or anything (I have a very heightened fight or flight response especially in social situations).

But now I've been given a LOT to ponder on and I'm trying to get him to at least call me at some point so I can talk to him further and see if I can hear any abnormal tones or anything. Because if I do I'm probably outta here.

[BarryLiverstone]

I would suggest you still meet him in pubic and get to know him a bit. But make it clear you are in no rush and want time to learn to trust someone. So no need for you two to be meeting anywhere but public activities for a while

[Asker]

Yes, you've said it perfectly! I have a hard time letting my thoughts to words, so I'll use your verbage.

Absolutely though, I'm not looking to rush anything.

[BarryLiverstone]

You are welcome

[Asker]

Thank you!

[BarryLiverstone]

If you wanna let me know how it goes then you can follow me and send an update

[Asker]

Sure, thanks!

[BarryLiverstone]

Great

[Waldoe]

I take people at face value, until I find out otherwise, being suspicious of Everyone will destroy your life