Guys, what makes a guy desire another girl over the other?

[Anonymous]

Lets say a guy has options and he's sleeping with two girls, what makes him desire and want one girl over the other? (not in a love kind of way but, more craving her presence and touch)

[MrOracle]

It could be that one is more exciting/enthusiastic/kinky/willing to do more things in bed, or it could be that one is less demanding of him before or after sex (wants to talk, wants to cuddle for an hour, wants him to go get food, etc.), or it could be that one girl is, in his eyes, more physically attractive than the other. Note here that I said "in his eyes", because while most guys find attractive the stereotypical things we think of, there will be some guys who are into feet, or long hair, or narrow waists, or huge asses, or whatever that isn't necessarily what the majority might prefer.

It's really hard to say anything definitive about the "attraction" point, because that's so subjective. I think the first two points are overlooked too often, and are more likely than many people think to matter in such situations.

[Asker]

i like to think i'm all of those things in the beginning, i'm pretty chill and i don't really like to cuddle, not unless i'm in a relationship and at the moment i don't feel that would be right for me.
i do want us to hang out and be friends still but also with the benefits, i don't want him to only see me as a hookup but as a friend too.. if that makes sense? but i want to be the woman he desires most even if others come into the picture.
i don't feel like i'm completely his type, he's attracted to me sure but there was one time when he went from walking with me if i was slower than him to walking in front of me if attractive girls came along. that's how i know i'm not the most attractive in his eyes, least it made me feel that way.

i respect you saying that second part because it's very true.. what is attractive to him won't be attractive to another guy etc. i guess i just want to work with what i have and instead of him look at me after sex as.. what the hell of i done.. but rather... she's pretty cool and damn the sex is fire. i guess there's no promises to all the things i hope to happen or want to achieve here. i dnno where i was going with this, just throwing out thoughts really. if you have any advice or insight on my ramblings though it would mean a lot x

[Asker]

in the beginning of what you said*** i meant lol

[MrOracle]

Obviously I don't know you or all that much about your situation, but I've been around long enough to make some assumptions. It's possible they don't apply here, in which case, consider any parts that do and discard the rest.

My primary assumption is that you've chosen to be non-exclusive friends with benefits with this guy because he's generally a high-SMV (social market value) guy - in other words, lots of other women find him attractive. As such, you're okay with sharing him as long as you get SOME time with him.

The problem with that is your emotions can't help but to exert themselves, and so you, at the very least, want to be the first among the women he sees. If that's true, it means you have some feelings for him, as much as you might wish otherwise. This, by the way, is what happens to MOST women who get into friends with benefits - their emotions kick in sooner or later.

But by agreeing to a non-exclusive friends with benefits arrangement, you've put yourself in the weakest possible position relationship-wise - you have very little leverage to get what you want, and so you're naturally going to feel insecure - and that will grow in intensity over time.

[MrOracle]

I understand picking a very attractive man if you're going to be friends with benefits, but if you're going to be friends with benefits, you either need to have an exclusive arrangement, OR you need to keep things so casual that you don't care how you rank in his stable of women. In any other situation, you're going to end up getting hurt emotionally.

The problem is, as I'm sure you know, a really attractive man doesn't need to make exclusive commitments - he'll have plenty of options, and he has no need to give up 100 options for the sake of 1. This is how hypergamy works against women: hypergamy makes them seek the best man they can get, but you can't really "get" this guy because his SMV is at a higher level than yours, so to get anything from him, you have to offer him a deal that favors him heavily - which ultimately leads to emotional damage to you.

The solution to this problem is to be more realistic about the man you choose - to choose a man on your level, who will accept a deal that's balanced, so that you're much less likely to get hurt. Yes, he won't be as attractive, but are a few rolls in the hay with a hot guy worth the emotional damage and subsequent baggage? I think if you're honest, you'll realize it isn't.

Again, maybe I'm off-base here - I certainly don't have the entire story, so I could be - but think about what I wrote, and if any of it applies, then really consider the long-term effects it's going to have on you.

[Asker]

you have somewhat a correct assumption, but it's slightly different now.
i used to have feelings for him for years and the last time we had sex i was hoping he would take me on a date but instead he told me he didn't know what he wanted. and so that's when i stopped seeing him or talking to him for years to get over my feelings for him. i have managed to do that, however i still have a crush on him but it wasn't that serious as you can't help who you're attracted to. i met up with another guy who turned me on so much but he's awkward with coming onto women or being touched, he's very nervous and i had so much fun... i noticed i became like a horny demon and didn't want to freak him out or ruin that friendship.

the one person i have a crush on and know would be down for some fun is the guy i used to have feelings for.
now it simply comes down to i want to be desired and the queen bee of the bedroom. who doesn't want to be the woman that the guy desires over all other women. it's not that i want him to love me or want me more than any other girl.. i want to be that one girl who even if he fucks other women he will still be thinking about how i rocked his fking world and that alone makes him want more.
i just want to feel desired almost to the point of being craved for. i guess it depends on the guy and there's not much i can do there.
you're fairly intelligent i will give you that. i appreciate your replies very much x

[MrOracle]

Understood.

I guess then your best bet is to find out what really turns him on - which sex acts or activities, attitudes, roleplay, positions, or whatever it is - and then do those things enthusiastically. Those are such individual things that you'd have to talk to him about his desires and fantasies, because only he's going to know his answers.

[Asker]

wow, i love how you accept my situation with respect. that's a great quality to have just saying. i love that.
awesome a lot of people are saying similar actually so i think that might be the key to my initial question. thank you so much for your help you're honestly awesome.

[MrOracle]

Happy to help.

[Anonymous]

She’s nicer, looks out after him, easier to get along w, remembers things he says then does it even though he’s not hinting at it. Supports him, trust in him, believes him, doesn’t give him trouble especially when she knows he’s had a rough day, she’s good w his family, his friends. There’s a million reasons.

[Asker]

i'm kind and playful, but i'm also sassy and can be quite upfront and honest. does that still count haha

[Opinion Owner]

Depends on what you mean by upfront and honest. I mean are you a bitch and coming out in that way to people when being honest w them

[Asker]

I find it quite funny when someone says honesty someone instantly things "bitch" lol that's how much we have devolved as humans to think honesty means bitchiness.
being a bitch depends how cocky/ignorant the other person is. if i feel they're being disrespectful to me then yea.. the bitch can come out. other than that it's usually either playfully or just being open.

[Opinion Owner]

I mean being a bitch as in yes you’re telling them the truth but your cussing them out, acting crazy, maybes even throwing things.

[Asker]

that's called abusive, not honest. O_O

[Guy13]

That’s individual and I know but we know it when see it

[Plinko]

That's so subjective and high variance you'll never find an answer you'll be able to steer off of.

Everyone will be different.

[Asker]

i'm asking for ball park answers not necessarily answers that are spot on. as you say everyone is different.

you could tell me what would make you desire one girl over the other sexually. the more guys who share their reasonings gives me ammo, the more different kinds of ammo i have the more likely i'm to find the right one to the correct gun, so to speak.

[FilmGuy93]

Sense of humor! I want to want to be around you when we aren't having sex.

[bamesjond0069]

1. The sex is better.

2. The one girl is at least closer to relationship material so its more enjoyable to have her around.

[Asker]

i might have a chance at the no1.. but not the no2.
he already made that clear 3 years ago when he said he didn't know what he wanted, when i told him of my feelings for him.

cut back to the present day my feelings for him are gone because i worked hard to get over them, and what's left is a crush and i want to rail his fking brains out and i want him to be fking addicted to me. respectfully :)
but it doesn't matter, someone commented below and it's somewhat changed my perspective on that a little. i would love him to be addicted sure, but at the same time i need to stop worrying about the things i can't control and just enjoy myself.

[anylolone]

What makes you desire the guy that has options?

[Asker]

this is... probably one of the most interesting comments, you have a good point. i just like being the best as i'm quite the perfectionist. there's nothing more of a turn on than knowing someone is going crazy with desire for me but... truth is i won't ever know if that's going on or not. so why should i care, and instead just enjoy myself and have fun. rather than worry about all other things.
thank you :)