Why does he consistently flirt with me every time he's drunk but then say he doesn't remember?

[Anonymous]

My guy friend is super flirty with me whenever we're drinking. Like squeezing me in hugs, holding my hand, all night conversation, telling me he thinks I'm cute, talking about going on a date, etc. When he's sober it's more just catching him staring and teasing me a bit. I finally asked him if he even meant what he said the last time we hung out, and he says he doesn't remember and wants me to tell him what he said. We've talked about other parts of that night before and he remembered them. I told him I don't want to say it if it's going to make things awkward and he said "just say it. If I don't remember I can't answer your question... right?" Do I tell him he was flirting/hitting on me? If it's just a drunk thing why does he do it all the time? (Any male perspective appreciated.)

[bigmatt98]

He doesn’t have much confidence and alcohol gives it to him so when he says he doesn’t remember he’s trying to sniff out of you like him back because he doesn’t have the ability to be so upfront when sober. If he is already a confident guy then it may be other reasons. But I’m gonna guess it’s lack of confidence

[Asker]

He definitely has social anxiety and has told me drinking helps him be social. He told me we'll never be close friends because he has enough close friends and doesn't need another one. He then told me he didn't mean that in a bad way, he just did want to have the whole friend convo. He was also teasing me and then said "I actually think you look cute." We just stood there in silence and then changed the subject. I don't get it, and I don't want to be used if it's just a drunk thing. It just happens so much it seems odd to be beer goggles.

[bigmatt98]

He may just be trying to screw when he’s drunk that is a possibility considering he has “ to many close friends” whatever the hell that means

[Asker]

He never tries to hook up tho. I said we didn't have to be friends, he said that's not what he wants. I called him a brother because I heard from someone that he referred to me as a sister, he said we'll never be close friends. He stares, holds my hand, called me cute, gives me nicknames, drunkenly tells me we'll go out sometime, always hugs me, touches my clothes, glasses, etc. He also tells me I'm too scared of things. He said we should enjoy the night together, and then asked what I want. His brother is married to my sister. Wondering if that's part of it.

[bigmatt98]

To scared of things sound ominous but to tell you the truth I don’t know what his intentions are I guess you will just have to ask when he’s drunk. But shouldn’t waste your time on someone who only likes you when wasted

[Asker]

The first time he said I was too scared was when he held my hand. I didn't hold his back and he said "you're too scared of crap, even too scared to hold my hand. Look." When he's sober he mostly just stares at me often, looks for me in groups, and hangs around me.

[bigmatt98]

Definitely lack of confidence.

[Googlemyahoo]

“My guy friend is super flirty with me whenever we're drinking”

Answer right there. He’s got beer goggles on. Normally he thinks you’re ugly but drunk you look more attractive

[Asker]

Every single time he's drunk around me? I get someone might be a flirty drunk and mess up once or twice. It's all the time, and if it's a group setting it's always me. And how do you remember it once and then claim you suddenly don't?

[boggboss]

Probobly attracted to you and when drunk he gets liquid confidence

[Asker]

How would I know if he's just a flirty drunk? I've asked a mutual friend who said he doesn't flirt unless he's interested. It's literally any time we're together. Holding hands, telling me he thinks I'm cute, saying we should go out, saying I'm too scared of things, asking what I want, etc. Now he wants to know what he said and I'm scared to tell him.

[boggboss]

Just tell him why are u acting scared he is the one doi g it

[Asker]

Because I don't want to make things awkward. I've spent so long brushing every interaction off and not reciprocating because it feels easier and safer than having this conversation. What if I'm just an ego boost?

[boggboss]

Yet thats clearly not working as thing are already awkward with how he acts and if you are just a ego boost u will know where u stand putting your head in the sand and doing nothing g ain't going to help u here

[Asker]

I've told him I worry I'm just an ego boost to him and he said he didn't know where that was even coming from. He also said he didn't want to have the whole friend conversation and that's why he said we'll never be close friends. So he remembers that part of the convo...

[boggboss]

So instead of just bringing up what he said u chose to go with your insecurities did u even ask him if he liked u as more then a friend as from what he said it would seem he does but is scared u only like him as a friend

[Asker]

No, I didn't ask him that. In the convo I'm talking about we were at a bar and he randomly announced "you and I will never be close friends, we just won't. I have enough close friends, I don't need anymore." He was smiling as he said it which only confused me more. Later he was teasing me and then got quiet and said "I actually think you look cute." I don't get it. I've offered him friendship, I've said we can be like siblings, I've even said we don't have to be friends at all. I'm lost.

[boggboss]

Was he sober at the bar

[Asker]

No, neither of us were. I mean, we were at a bar. Lol

[boggboss]

So how about speaking to him when he is sober to get a idea of his clear thoughts

[Asker]

That's what I've been trying to do. He was sober when he told me he made the comment about never being close friends because he didn't want to have a friend conversation. And he's been sober and drunk when he continuously brings up the day we met and how he still remembers it and wants to know if I do.

[boggboss]

Because he most likely does remember but didn't want to bring it up if u want answers u will need to bring it up otherwise don't do anything and stay in this situation

[Asker]

I asked him if he remembers what he said when we were walking back that night and he said no. So then I said oh, well it was just something you said during that time. I said I didn't want to bring it up if he doesn't remember cuz I don't want things to be awkward. Mainly cuz I already been told before that he felt awkward about a past situation. Not by him, by a friend. He replied "just say it". I said it was just part of the convo he doesn't remember and I just wanted to know if he meant it. He replied back and said "did I mean what? You want to know what? If I don't remember I can't answer your question... right?" Then I got really insecure cuz I felt like he was angry and i let him go to bed.

[boggboss]

OK so... what

[Asker]

If i feel like someone's angry and/or attacking me I tend to close off. I back down and don't want to speak my mind because I fear judgement and getting hurt. All I want is male perspective on if he's trying to say he's not even interested in a friendship, he's just a flirty drunk, whatever. I genuinely don't get what he wants from me. Like I said, I've offered every option including saying I'd walk away and just be civil at family functions.

[boggboss]

U haven't offered these options when he is sober my opinion is that he either likes you are uses u as a ego boost when he is drunk I can't know for a fact what it actually is and that's why if u want to know u will need to ask him

[Asker]

I did offer these options when he was sober. I told him we don't have to be friends just because our families are close. He said he doesn't want that. He said he wants to be friends and doesn't just feel that way cuz of our families. He said he'd tell me if he didn't want to be friends. Then I said he's like a brother to me and he was just quiet. That was right before we hung out and he said we'll never be close friends.

[boggboss]

If u want answers for what he said when he was drunk u will need to ask him about those things I can't answer for him because I'm not him nobody on gag knows why he is acting that way only he can tell u why

[Asker]

I get that. I just want opinions on the situation. It'd be a lot nicer having a general idea than going into the conversation blind.

[boggboss]

I get that but it seems you are too scared to even have that convo from how u have been responding I think u need to work out what u actually want before having the convo and going from there

[Asker]

I was used in the past and have spent the last 4 years bettering myself and learning from it. I'm scared of having it happen again. Also, with his brother being married to my sister it's pressure. We can't even look at each other without upsetting someone. Finally, even if he reciprocated we can't date. He drinks too much. I'm just sick of the gray area. I like him, but I have all this weight on my shoulders. I just don't want to keep doing this same song and dance.

[boggboss]

So either distance yourself or tell him how u feel stop acting like the problems will solve themself they won't u are playing a part in staying in limbo

[Asker]

I understand your thinking, but it's not that simple. I never reciprocate as it is. If I distance and don't talk then I get told by family I'm being rude. If I talk I get told I'm being way too flirty. There's no winning. I'm not asking about that. I'm asking for a make perspective on what this behavior indicates. If you acted this way what would it mean?

[boggboss]

Bur I wouldn't act this way he is being a pleb I can't understand his behaviour because ehe is not being open thats why u will need to dig to get answers

[Asker]

Makes sense. So am I just setting myself up for hurt? I did ask a mutual friend about this that he grew up with. She said she hasn't known him to ever flirt unless he meant to. Her opinion is he's scared to be open because of the family situation.

[boggboss]

I have stated that it seemed he liked u