He doesn’t pay for everything. I’ll pay for something then he’ll pay equally. My friends say this is wrong and not gentleman? Do you agree?

Question

What do you guys think?

we earn the same wage but I have seen him treat himself to accessories for his Xbox or new shiny trainers 👟 which is not cheap

I paid for a hotel that was £70 and he paid for dinner that came up to £70 so we’re always even

whereas my friend said the guy should be spending more and taking care of every bill whether that’s dinner, cinema, bowling, hotels etc

I do see a lot of girls online say they book something and then their man pays or their man will buy them gifts randomly

just want to know if a guy should pay for everything in a relationship or it should be 50/50

Keep hearing the word chivalry and being a gentleman

he is affectionate towards me I. e holding hands in public, seeing how my day is going, complimenting me but it’s mainly just him not spending much on me.

not sure that being his first ever girlfriend is a factor

NamerOfStars · Accepted Answer

Chivalry refers to a doctrine of protecting those who cannot protect themselves. It made perfect sense for a man to pay for everything when women- well, NOBLEwomen; poor women always had to work, it's just that society at some point decided it was the trends of the upper class exclusively that we should model our behavior on- didn't work. They DID, however, have other enormous social and interpersonal obligations- obligations that have long since been discarded. The social contract has been renegotiated; if you'd prefer to do things differently, that's fine, but it's insane to expect to the world to conform to YOUR standards, just because "I want it". You want him to be a "gentleman", but will you go through all the struggles and sacrifices of being a "lady"? If not, well...

Having the same rights and abilities as your partner and still expecting them to cover the costs of everything you do together isn't chivalry, it's slavery.

Suss out together what works for you, and let society gossip as it pleases. Your life is yours, not theirs.

dragoblack · Accepted Answer

I say they are stuck in unrealistic expectations. What you both are doing is more realistic in modern society to not only have a financially stable relationship but also a less stressful one.
Having one person pay for everything can cause not super stressful but can cause tensions in a relationship, but also look bad on you. Let me explain if you paid for everything and the man didn't, he would look like a lazy, mooching, pos, just using you as a bank account, which would of course cause you great stress till fights start happening in the relationship.
A relationship isn't 1-sided and a great deal of people nowadays forget that because of common traditions, selfish wants, & unrealistic expectations. A relationship should always have a balanced effort and be treated as best friends with romantic benefits, for it to be healthy. Once one starts using the other, projecting insecurities, and being overall a toxic person, the relationship gets abusive, unstable, a higher chance of cheating & mistrust, and in itself overall toxic.

melanieeeB · Accepted Answer

Nooo, it's totally fine when it works for you two!

With some friends and past guys we always kinda did it that way, I don't like to split bills so one time he is paying, one time it's me, maybe again me, then him, then me, then him, then him, then me, then him and etc I never count and I never look, who gets their card out first pays.. I only do care with a first date tho

FitCarmen · Accepted Answer

In my case my boyfriend has much more money then I do and he just pays for 99% of everything. In the country I was brought up in it is normal for the guy to pay. Here I notice this is not the case to the same degree. Id say the woman should feel they got a good one if the guy pays but dont just expect him to pay everytime. I know easy for me to say lol.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

50/50 is a waste of time, but men also shouldn't be paying for everything.

Anonymous · Answer

I don’t think it’s wrong at all. Infact that’s how I’ve always operated. Men paying for everything is out dated and comes from a time when women didn’t work. Women now work. Hell in some cases making as much or more then their partner. That being said I firmly believe both should participate in paying of things. Every relationship I've been in (current one included) it has always been a kinda “You get this, i got that”

I buy dinner. She buys movie tickets and snacks, as long as dinner was equal to or greater then the total of the movie tickets and snacks. If say dinner only equals the movie tickets then I would get the snacks.
Back and forth. Team work.

I actually started doing this years ago when I came to the conclusion that women were using me for a free meal and then ghosting. Ahh tinder days lol.

So I figure making them pay for half of the date shows that they are willing to work together. It’s also a test initially. If they complain or don’t show or cancel the date because of it. Well they probably just wanted to use me for a free meal. Or wouldn’t be a good fit because they aren’t willing to work together or compromise. Both qualities that are very important to me in a relationship.

Effably · Answer

Chivalry was invented to stop knights murdering peasants for no reason. And just comes from being a horseman.

The habit of men paying comes from a time where women would generally have no or a significantly lower income. Tradition was to still have money with to pay for herself. Its romanticized.

I enjoy treating people sometimes. To me it carries value because it is not an expectation. I'd safely say I am well above 50/50 but I never kept count. I probably would not bother dating someone who felt it was my duty to pay for her.

As for what is normal? It likely depends on where you live.
Ultimately if how things are going are fine with you there is no real problem. If you feel you need something different, you should pursue that instead. There is no set rule for this and neither of you have a lower value for doing things one way or the other. Your relationship is yours to decide about.

ManOnFire · Answer

Nothing wrong with 50/50. That's still better than him paying nothing at all. The only reason your friends are making an issue about it is because so many chicks of today are OnlyFans-minded where they still expect guys to give them gifts and shiny shit.

The chivalry and gentleman argument is used by women who simply want to take advantage of men. Because these same women are the cheeseballs who will date lowlife guys and be paying their phone bills, driving them around, buying them fast food, etc. And they'll be trying to hold on to the dudes even when they're done and moving on to another girl. But when it's a guy they can see has his shit together and is upright in his character, they'll want him to pay for her because they think he's "nice" and can be easily used.

andreasderjuengere · Answer

Unless you're an accountant, payments should run in the background only. You give what you can and want. If you're unhappy - just voice it out.

To be a ''Gentleman'': Is not about being obliged to pay stuff (which again only is a resulting background thing); to be a ''Gentlewoman'' - if there's such a thing - is not about being entitled to receive stuff. It's about manners and 'education'.

Further (and I know it sounds snobbish): ''You'' simply can't qualify for ''Gentleman'' if ''you'' are low social class... where different social mechanisms are the tradition.

Astarlessnightsky · Answer

If you earn the same you should spend the same.

The men spending more is an outdated practice from the past when women had no or very small personal income.

Its best to get a third shared bank account, beside your personal bank account. You pay shared bills from the shared account and both of you got your personal money for private hobbies.

Tyrael · Answer

Nah you're good. You earn the same amount, you both should pay your fair share. Honestly seems like you've got a good thing going so why ruin it over something silly like money and outdated values? Men used to pay for everything because some women literally couldn't get jobs in the past. And the rest stayed at home raising the kids.

Mia-Wallace · Answer

Just pay your half.

My guy makes enough money to take care of me and I still work. I also paid for our house so he could invest his money elsewhere.

We don't even believe in "equality". I'm his traditional wife.

Just pay up.

UniquelyBasic · Answer

I think its only an issue when its unbalanced and one partner is paying for the majority of things in the relationship when both have money. If its where one person isn't working and the other person with the money is willing to pay for things then its okay.

Motobrostud · Answer

Are you a successful, independent woman? Work hard, get what you want in life and when opportunity knocks do you answer? Maybe he’s respecting your go get ‘em attitude by not expecting you to stay home, pop out a bunch of kids and be a stay at home mom for the rest of your life with no goals that to be a babysitter for life.
When I was with my ex in the beginning he paid for everything and he was the alpha type so I didn’t mind. After a few months he started getting annoyed that he had to pay for everything. I had a good job and should’ve been contributing and I had no clue he felt like that.
Maybe you should talk to your man and get his opinion.

JustADudePlayinADude · Answer

If you aren't married or something similar, each person should expect to pay for their own shit. Anything extra should be considered a gift and not expected unless otherwise stated. If you are married or something similar, then you should have a joint account where it doesn't matter who pays.

Zenit93 · Answer

Men should lead and take care of the finances. The more a woman involves herself in this aspect of the relationship, the less feminine she feels and therefore acts through time. The more feminine and submissive a man’s wife is, the higher warning potential that the man has. This is nature. Going against the grain doesn’t typically end well.

rienna888 · Answer

He sounds kind of cheap. I had an ex like that, he wanted everything to be equal and if he paid a bit more, he’d flip out. He was also really scared of cheat on him. I believe that the man should pay more but it’s just me. I think you deserve better

alance99 · Answer

Currently i am single, but when i was in a relationship i never allowed my girl to pay to for anything whenever she was with me. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you or isn't a geniune guy, you have to keep other things in mind as well which you like about him

Apple1996 · Answer

Depends if your relationship is modern or traditional. I prefer a traditional so my guy pays for everything and doesn't ever want me working but if your relationship is modern then that's fine too

Summeroflove · Answer

Stop being entitled. People pay for stuff to be NICE. Not because they have to.  No decent man wants a entitled bitch. Your friends are teaching you to be entitled and insufferable

Anonymous · Answer

There is a saying " tell me who your friends are and i tell you who you are "

Your friend sounds like an entitled gold digger. I'm Not saying you are one but if money powers the relationships, then it's a relationship running on money and not love.

Be careful with your "friend". It sounds like trouble from a gold digger.

skilled_jellyfish · Answer

You worry too much what other girls say online. Think about how YOU feel and how much do you like this guy.

LazerBean · Answer

You aren't his wife, so he is certainly not obligated to pay for anything of yours, and unless you are wanting a traditional relationship then I don't see why him going 50/50 would be a problem.

Phoenix98 · Answer

There’s nothing wrong with being old fashioned but if what you two do works for you both then don’t concern yourself with what your friends are saying. After all they aren’t the ones your dating.

Anonymous · Answer

If you and you boyfriend are taking turns paying and you're comfortable with it then fine carry on. But I'm willing to bet that your friends who are saying that the boyfriend should be paying for everything describe themselves as 'Strong, Independent women', but in a relationship are willing to leech off their boyfriends, I see nothing 'Strong, Independent' about that. And they probably would not be able to list Chivalrous behaviour if their lives deepened upon it.

DrBanana · Answer

I could be wrong here but it seems like you are paying for some stuff and then he pays for some stuff?

It seems that you as a couple have your thing going and as long as you both feel it’s equal I see no issue.

Zolly99999 · Answer

If I'm with someone I pay for everything... not because I have to because I want to... to me that is being a gentleman.

AviatorTom · Answer

Your friend should mind her own business. What works for you and him is what's important, and it sounds like your system is working well. Enjoy it.

TroyDT2 · Answer

On the one hand, it sounds fair that you share expenses, especially with similar incomes. On the other hand, maybe you can get a better deal elsewhere. It's your life and your choice.

BJP21 · Answer

Nothing wrong with that. Taking turns or paying equally. If he is showing you affection it simply means he's not materialistic and thats a big bonus.

CateM · Answer

It's not that he wasn't being a gentleman, it's that your friends are living in the past

Anonymous · Answer

As feminists love to say, it's not the 1940's anymore. Don't expect men to act in the same gentlemanly manner when modern women scoff at being ladylike.

Luckycharms12 · Answer

Seems perfectly fine and normal. I'd do the same with friends or gfs in past it's fair no one can get put out

XXblack88 · Answer

How can anyone pay for everything in this day and age? I think 50/50 is fine.

MysticDevice · Answer

That sounds like equality. And that's how it should be.

ZenJen444 · Answer

I think per usual black women have little to no standards yet wonder why they end up with subpar men.

Anonymous · Answer

Your friends are NOT in the relationship. They do not know the dynamic. And the dynamic is unique for every couple.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Your friend is toxic. She will die alone with many cats.

Anonymous · Answer

I think in this day and age, if you can't pay for your self you should not be dating. If you dont like that, blame feminists.

Anonymous · Answer

It really depends. How frequently are you having sex?

LimitedBenefits101 · Answer

". My friends say this is wrong and not gentleman?" lol

msc545 · Answer

To hell with your greedy friends. 50/50 is excellent.

swettannie · Answer

yup, not very gentleman

AndrésC64 · Answer

Your friend is an idiot.

Anonymous · Answer

Are you a prostitute then?

JesseJayNeak · Answer

We’re in 2022, not the 1920s anymore

He doesn’t pay for everything. I’ll pay for something then he’ll pay equally. My friends say this is wrong and not gentleman? Do you agree?

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