Do you think he felt obligated to give me a hug bc he hugged my mom first?

There’s this guy at my moms church who plays the piano. I don’t see him often bc I live hours away but he sees my mom and her boyfriend.

He gives my mom nice hugs often and she always says how much she likes hugging him bc he smells good and he hugs tight.

We were introduced to each other for the first time and he initiated a hug. It was light and our waist were apart..

before he walked upstairs to leave he glanced back at me or my hip side.

my mom also witnessed it

SteveSmith1985

Guru Age: 41

762 opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.

Well... you're not asking the right question here.

What you WANT to know, is: "was this guy interested/attracted to you"

The answer is "yes" (based on the glance. You wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't significant.) That's your evidence.

He was obligated to give you a hug. BUT that's irrelevant. The question is how did he FEEL about the hug he was obligated to give you. Just because he was socially obligate to hug you... doesn't mean he didn't get a huge thrill from being in that position.

Asker

+1 y
I low key thought that he was just attracted to my mom because he gives her nice tight hugs. I don’t have the greatest relationship with my mother and sometimes I think there’s “competition”

His last girlfriend at the church was older… like in her 40s and she resembles my mom a bit.

I feel like when I come there he doesn’t really look at me or even after church he doesn’t try to be around me or anything.. he just stays on his piano..

I really like him and think he’s just so attractive. He’s also Jamaican but if he’s not attracted to me the first time then I doubt he’ll ever be

My mom said the girl he brought to church recently (months ago) resembled me a bit.

But tbh maybe he was trying to get a glimpse of my butt or something I don't know

Reply
SteveSmith1985

+1 y
(there's gonna be 3 parts to this reply... word limit)

To be honest, I just don't have enough information to comment on whether he is attracted to your mom. He may not be. Giving someone nice tight hugs CAN be because he's attracted to her. But it's not like that's the only reason a guy will give a woman nice tight hugs. That can definitely be a 'good friends' thing. I wouldn't read much into the fact that he gives her these nice hugs.

I'm really sorry you end up in a position where you feel you're in 'competition' with your mother when it comes to guys. That's something I can't even really imagine myself feeling. Like, to me that's just such a foreign concept (my parents have been married for 40 years). It must be extremely difficult for you to have to cope with.

Now, I don't know if this idea is realistic (again, this part of the situation is not something I can fully imagine)... would it be possible to TALK to your mom about the fact that you like this guy? What I mean is:

If your mom is going to act like your 'peer' (friend) and go after the same guys you're after (in a general way, not just this instance)...

Reply
SteveSmith1985

+1 y
My thinking is to use the same 'tactic' you would use with an actual female friend (peer). Usually, if you really like a guy, and you tell your female friend about how much you like him... that female friend will 'back off' and not pursue that particular guy herself. It's basically "respect for your friend's feelings". No female friend is going to pursue a guy her friend likes. THat's a shitty friend. By talking to your friend about your feelings... there is a clear message of "you
can't pursue the guy you like". It never even needs to be explicitly stated. Everyone knows the right thing to do. Wouldn't that also work on your mom?

Like if you were to be up-front about your feelings for this guy... wouldn't your mom back off and not do anything to try and screw-up your chances? Otherwise she would look like a huge bitch (the same way a friend would look)

I think you are 100% incorrect about:
"... if he’s not attracted to me the first time then I doubt he’ll ever be"

That is... not at all true. I am not saying he WILL be attracted to you. I don't know. But I do know that thinking he has to be attracted to you right away or he'll never be attracted to you... is so incorrect.

What you're saying essentially is: "If he doesn't find my appearance alone attractive enough to immediately 'want me'. Then that attraction is unlikely to develop"

Reply
SteveSmith1985

+1 y
That completely overlooks everything that makes "you" the person that you are. Your appearance (regardless of how you look) doesn't reflect the bulk of who you are, what you're about, and how you think and feel.

Physical attraction is great. But it can (and does) change considerably once you get to know someone. You see people differently once you get to know their personality a bit. I've known knock-out-beautiful girls who became ugly because they suck as people. And I've come to see women who I was NOT attracted to initially, as 'beautiful' once I got to see what kind of person they are. I urge you to reconsider this belief of yours.

He may well have been trying to look at your butt. I can't blame him.

I'm afraid I just don't know enough of the details of this situation to give you any insight into whether he's attracted to you, or to your mom, or where his head might be on this.

If you'd like, feel free to DM me. Give me the whole story, and I'll hopefully be able to give you a more useful answer than this one. 🙂

Reply
Asker

+1 y
Well my mom does in fact have a boyfriend and MY MOM asked her boyfriend to find some nice guys for me to meet. So since they both go to that church he recommended the piano player… I asked her what he looked like and she told me to look on the church site. I looked and I thought he was nice looking

I was then a bit excited and tried to talk about him and going to the church to see him. When I finally did he was talking to the older lady and she was possessive a bit.

When I saw him recently I think he was talking to someone else but they weren’t official.

But I just felt like in the beginning she wanted us to hook up.. then when I talked about him more or showed some excitement or joked about having a bit of a crush… she got quiet. Then I ofc I felt some type of way when she says she boast about the tight hugs he gives her and he smells so good..

Then whenever I mentioned him she just gets quiet or change the subject. I was already insecure about him possibly being interested in me and I even asked her. She said she didn’t know.. and “lose a little weight before you see him”

I kind of felt heartbroken by it. I confronted her about it and she said I’m just insecure and she sees him as a son.. but it almost felt like gaslighting

I just felt so angry and betrayed bc she had the love story (with my dad) she had the perfect love story and guys wanting her.. I didn’t.

Men have done nothing but make me feel bad and my mother too (growing up)

I just think it’s best to forget it.

Reply

What Girls & Guys Said

Opinion

SteveSmith1985 Follow
Guru Age: 41 , mho 74%

+1 y
762 opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.

Well... you're not asking the right question here.
What you WANT to know, is: "was this guy interested/attracted to you"
The answer is "yes" (based on the glance. You wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't significant.) That's your evidence.
He was obligated to give you a hug. BUT that's irrelevant. The question is how did he FEEL about the hug he was obligated to give you. Just because he was socially obligate to hug you... doesn't mean he didn't get a huge thrill from being in that position.

0

5 Reply
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I low key thought that he was just attracted to my mom because he gives her nice tight hugs. I don’t have the greatest relationship with my mother and sometimes I think there’s “competition”
  
  His last girlfriend at the church was older… like in her 40s and she resembles my mom a bit.
  
  I feel like when I come there he doesn’t really look at me or even after church he doesn’t try to be around me or anything.. he just stays on his piano..
  
  I really like him and think he’s just so attractive. He’s also Jamaican but if he’s not attracted to me the first time then I doubt he’ll ever be
  
  My mom said the girl he brought to church recently (months ago) resembled me a bit.
  
  But tbh maybe he was trying to get a glimpse of my butt or something I don't know
  
- SteveSmith1985
  
  +1 y
  (there's gonna be 3 parts to this reply... word limit)
  
  To be honest, I just don't have enough information to comment on whether he is attracted to your mom. He may not be. Giving someone nice tight hugs CAN be because he's attracted to her. But it's not like that's the only reason a guy will give a woman nice tight hugs. That can definitely be a 'good friends' thing. I wouldn't read much into the fact that he gives her these nice hugs.
  
  I'm really sorry you end up in a position where you feel you're in 'competition' with your mother when it comes to guys. That's something I can't even really imagine myself feeling. Like, to me that's just such a foreign concept (my parents have been married for 40 years). It must be extremely difficult for you to have to cope with.
  
  Now, I don't know if this idea is realistic (again, this part of the situation is not something I can fully imagine)... would it be possible to TALK to your mom about the fact that you like this guy? What I mean is:
  
  If your mom is going to act like your 'peer' (friend) and go after the same guys you're after (in a general way, not just this instance)...
  
- SteveSmith1985
  
  +1 y
  My thinking is to use the same 'tactic' you would use with an actual female friend (peer). Usually, if you really like a guy, and you tell your female friend about how much you like him... that female friend will 'back off' and not pursue that particular guy herself. It's basically "respect for your friend's feelings". No female friend is going to pursue a guy her friend likes. THat's a shitty friend. By talking to your friend about your feelings... there is a clear message of "you
  can't pursue the guy you like". It never even needs to be explicitly stated. Everyone knows the right thing to do. Wouldn't that also work on your mom?
  
  Like if you were to be up-front about your feelings for this guy... wouldn't your mom back off and not do anything to try and screw-up your chances? Otherwise she would look like a huge bitch (the same way a friend would look)
  
  I think you are 100% incorrect about:
  "... if he’s not attracted to me the first time then I doubt he’ll ever be"
  
  That is... not at all true. I am not saying he WILL be attracted to you. I don't know. But I do know that thinking he has to be attracted to you right away or he'll never be attracted to you... is so incorrect.
  
  What you're saying essentially is: "If he doesn't find my appearance alone attractive enough to immediately 'want me'. Then that attraction is unlikely to develop"
  
- SteveSmith1985
  
  +1 y
  That completely overlooks everything that makes "you" the person that you are. Your appearance (regardless of how you look) doesn't reflect the bulk of who you are, what you're about, and how you think and feel.
  
  Physical attraction is great. But it can (and does) change considerably once you get to know someone. You see people differently once you get to know their personality a bit. I've known knock-out-beautiful girls who became ugly because they suck as people. And I've come to see women who I was NOT attracted to initially, as 'beautiful' once I got to see what kind of person they are. I urge you to reconsider this belief of yours.
  
  He may well have been trying to look at your butt. I can't blame him.
  
  I'm afraid I just don't know enough of the details of this situation to give you any insight into whether he's attracted to you, or to your mom, or where his head might be on this.
  
  If you'd like, feel free to DM me. Give me the whole story, and I'll hopefully be able to give you a more useful answer than this one. 🙂
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Well my mom does in fact have a boyfriend and MY MOM asked her boyfriend to find some nice guys for me to meet. So since they both go to that church he recommended the piano player… I asked her what he looked like and she told me to look on the church site. I looked and I thought he was nice looking
  
  I was then a bit excited and tried to talk about him and going to the church to see him. When I finally did he was talking to the older lady and she was possessive a bit.
  
  When I saw him recently I think he was talking to someone else but they weren’t official.
  
  But I just felt like in the beginning she wanted us to hook up.. then when I talked about him more or showed some excitement or joked about having a bit of a crush… she got quiet. Then I ofc I felt some type of way when she says she boast about the tight hugs he gives her and he smells so good..
  
  Then whenever I mentioned him she just gets quiet or change the subject. I was already insecure about him possibly being interested in me and I even asked her. She said she didn’t know.. and “lose a little weight before you see him”
  
  I kind of felt heartbroken by it. I confronted her about it and she said I’m just insecure and she sees him as a son.. but it almost felt like gaslighting
  
  I just felt so angry and betrayed bc she had the love story (with my dad) she had the perfect love story and guys wanting her.. I didn’t.
  
  Men have done nothing but make me feel bad and my mother too (growing up)
  
  I just think it’s best to forget it.
  
Emanon25 Follow
Yoda Age: 30

+1 y

Yes he is.

0

2 Reply
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  So he wasn’t really attracted to me
  
- Emanon25
  
  +1 y
  He is but maybe he wasn’t sure if you let him to hug you

Do you think he felt obligated to give me a hug bc he hugged my mom first?

What Girls & Guys Said

Did he feel obligated to hug me?

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