Why is my guy friend mean to me out of nowhere?

[Anonymous]

We’ve always had a complicated friendship. He’s always been friendly and he also flirts with me. Anything from holding my hand, telling me we should go out sometime, telling me he actually thinks I’m cute, etc. He’s also told me we’ll never be close friends, which I don get.

In the fall we planned on going out for drinks. He was really excited and started texting even friendlier. He told me I don’t need to worry so much. Then it was like a flip switched in the span of three days. He didn’t want to talk, wanted to be left alone for awhile, we never made plans, and he told me I confuse him. I asked him how so and he said he wasn’t having that conversation with me. I asked him what I did to him to have him treat me like that and he said in his eyes there’s no tension or dislike from his side. I don’t get it, why did he suddenly get mean?

Updates

1 y

When I asked him out for drinks he was all excited but said he had to get some work done on his house. He told me we'd have to make something work, though. I took that as it would never happen and was confused why he even accepted in the first place. I told him we didn't have to go out and he could say no if he wasn't feeling it. Then he got weird and when he finally answered he was just angry. I told him it feels like he dislikes or hates me and he said he doesn't at all. Why did he flip out?

Updates

1 y

Looking for male perspective, as I'm curious what could've possibly changed that quick?

[Exterminatore]

Because you use him for your emotional tampon and you know he has the hots for you. You know very well he doesn’t just want to be your friend.


Not that this is your fault, it’s his.


This is why it’s stupid for guys to be friends with girls. You gonna help us gut a dear? No. Gonna toss a football around with us? No. Gonna shot gun beers with us? No. Gonna go to a Slayer show with us? No. Gonna tell us about the problems with the guy you’re currently dating? Yes. Gonna unload your emotional baggage on us like we’re you’re therapist? Yes. Gonna be moody and a pain in the ass? Yes.


So why the hell would a guy choose to be friends with a girl? Hoping he’ll get a shot? He ought to know you made him your buddy cause he ain’t getting a shot.


Now this friend of your figured out he’s wasting his time and is making a fool of himself. That’s why he’s pissed. Good. Let that sink in for a while. Hopefully he’ll locate his balls and not try to be friends with a girl again. Girls are for dating, not friendship.

[Asker]

I don't think that's it. I'm not sure if you read my update, but I was finally honest with him. I told him I cut ties because it's better for both of us. I explained that I had mixed feelings and they weren't 100% platonic. I told him that I thought forcing a friendship was better and I didn't say anything because I knew it wasn't mutual and I didn't want to create awkwardness. I also apologized if I ever hurt him. He replied back immediately and said "I understand and it's all good. No worries." I asked him if he's just a flirty drunk and he said he didn't know what I was talking about and that he feels like everyone is when they drink. So he doesn't have the hots for me. Pretty sure he would've jumped at the opportunity if he did, am I wrong?

[Asker]

I'm not sure why everyone is attacking me saying I'm using him and he likes me when that's not the case.

[Exterminatore]

Respectfully I think your wrong. He told you that you were cute. He held your hand. We don’t typically do those things with friends. Not to mention his reactions to all this.

Most guys have been in this situation once before. Then guys realize this isn’t going any further and girls don’t make good friends because they don’t have many of the same interests guys do.

You do seem quite sincere so I’m
sure you meant no harm, nor had intention to take advantage of the situation. Not so of many girls in the same situation. They use the guy as a handy man, therapist, lifter or heavy objects or in other ways.

It sounds like he could sense you were on the fence and didn’t know how to get you off the fence, so he got frustrated. In any case he wanted more and was irritated it wasn’t happening.

[Asker]

I know it seems that way, and that's why it was hard to walk away. He's an alcoholic and I couldn't take that on. If he liked me wouldn't he have came right out and said it when I did? That'd be a green light in my opinion. I was surprised he answered at all, let alone said he understood and it's all good. I don't see how him not saying anything more is anything but a rejection. Also the fact that he said he didn't know what I was talking about. If he meant it why say that? And thank you, I appreciate the input and I never want to hurt anyone.

[Exterminatore]

Because a lot of guys have gone through this and it sucks.

Although I initially I thought you probably knew better, now I think you just didn’t realize what was going on. It sounds like you were on the fence and weren’t sure if you wanted to go for it or not. No harm no foul there. Sometimes we just don’t know if we want to take that step.

So angry guys are remembering the time they were lead on in a similar situation and displaying their angst.

You, don’t seem like a malicious person. You seem like you’re genuinely seeking answers. You wouldn’t be asking this question if you knew. You also don’t come off in a way of being intentionally cruel.

At first as you described the scenario you seemed like you could not imagine why he was mad despite him giving you every signal he had romantic interest in you. Now that you further clarified I see it’s that you were sure if you wanted to go there or not. You were trying to decide. It’s not that you were stinging him along, it’s that you didn’t know if you wanted to go for it or not which is a little different.

[Exterminatore]

I believe you meant no harm.

It good you did not go through with more.

Being involved in a relationship with an addict will leave you off far worse when you first started.

Addicts always damage everyone around them with their behavior, manipulation, money missing or being spent on their addictions, lying about what they were doing and who with.

Trust me, you don’t want any part of that.

[Asker]

I shouldn't have let it go on as long as I did. I let too many other opinions get in my head instead of being real from the start. I've been in an abusive relationship, and I've seen how this guy can get when he's drunk. I care about him, but I can't do that to myself. We hit it off from the moment we met, and I was flattered by the attention and being liked after being in such a low place. I never wanted the friendship to end, but I wasn't being honest. And he's been back and forth multiple times and never straightforward. I just wish he would've told me straight up he didn't like me. I cut him off weeks ago for my own well-being. I sent this message yesterday because I felt in my heart that owning up was best.

[Exterminatore]

No biggie. Lesson learned. We all make mistakes. Show me someone who says they are perfect and have never made an error and I’ll show you a liar.

Wisdom is the knowledge acquired of life through experience mainly. You can’t know everything and make the right call 100% of the time, and who can?

You see your error, you sound like already you’ve learned from it, what more can be expected from a mere mortal?

I don’t condemn you, don’t condemn yourself either.

If in the future you find yourself in a similar situation, simply make a better choice.

Best of luck to you and God be with you.

[Asker]

Thank you for the encouraging words, I really appreciate it.

[Exterminatore]

You’re most welcome.

[Asker]

I do have one more question, just for a guys perspective. He keeps saying we're friends and to trust him, even after I've already cut him off. And he won't tell me how he feels, even after knowing how I feel. Why not just reject me straight up? Maybe it's because I would never do that to someone, but I don't understand. How hard is it to talk and be honest? And just say you led me on or whatever it was?

[Exterminatore]

I’m not sure. I think he owes it to you to be straight with you also.

People usually have a hard time owing up to their faults. This is common to all humans.

[captain_voidwalker]

Honestly he probably feels like the freind ship is a bit exploitative. Most of my freinds who have "female freinds" are more or less exploited for labor or money and get nothing in return. Once this light bulb lights up it can be a not so fun realization.

[Asker]

I'm not sure what you mean by this.

[captain_voidwalker]

Ask yourself this. Have you ever asked him a favor, like fixing something around your house or fixing your car or lifting something heavy. Have you borrowed money from him and not paid it back. Have you used him as an emotional outlet. These are seen as a form of exploitation by men. Maybe harmless in small doses, but if they pile up and you don't return the favor, eventually we realize that it's not a friendship it's a relationship without sex. And who the fuck has time for that shit.

[Asker]

He's helped with a few things, but he's also told me he'll always be there for me. He said even if I just wanted to talk I could reach out. I don't, but even so. He initiates the flirting with hand holding, wanting to hangout, telling me repeatedly how he still remembers the day we met, etc. One night he was picking on me and then he got all serious and said "I.. I actually think you look cute."

[captain_voidwalker]

Yeah no kidding. He wants to be something more than friends. Since he's now realized that's never gonna happen he no longer wants to expend energy on you

[Asker]

But why agree to go out then? Am I right to assume him saying he needed to work on his house "but we'll have to make something work" was him blowing me off and putting me at the bottom of his priority list? That's how I took it. Like it was never going to happen.

[captain_voidwalker]

You are correct.

[Asker]

So why accept the invite in the first place? He said this when he still seemed excited, which threw me off. So then I told him we didn't have to go out for a drink and he could just say no.

[captain_voidwalker]

I'm not him I can only tell you what would go through my head

[Asker]

He offered these things to begin with and I never took him for granted. When I ask him out he said "everything's good, you just have to stop worrying soooo much." And then he went from excited to angry in two days and we never ended up meeting. Would he have agreed if he only felt platonic? I'm just confused.

[Exterminatore]

And what @captian_voidwalker said too. Shoulda included that in my response. Well said.

[Asker]

@Exterminatore He said we are and always have been social friends. He said this means when he sees me at functions he'll talk to me. Why all the other things he's said and done then? Why act like he ever cared and why flirt? Is it all just his alcoholism?

[7Phoenix7]

I went through something similar except minus the mean part. Let me know when you find out what the issue was lol

[Asker]

This happened in three days. He accepted the invite to go out for drinks and acted excited. We texted until he went to bed. He told me had to get some work done on his house but we'd have to make something. He even got excited when I mentioned where we could go. When he brought up being busy I took it as we were never actually going to go out and he was blowing me off. I told him we didn't have to go and to just be honest with me. Then he flipped and said I confuse him and to give him space.

[7Phoenix7]

Message me

[7Phoenix7]

Sorry didn't see ur message, I messaged you back

[spartan55]

Is it possible that you did something to piss him off?

[Asker]

Not that I'm aware. He's flirted in the past but I took it as drunk talk. He accepted an invite to go out and get drinks together, and seemed genuinely excited. He did say he had to work on his house a bit but we'd have to make something work. I took that as it would never happen and told him we didn't have to go and he could say no, and he flipped. I tried talking to him to fix things and he said there’s nothing to fix and he’s not mad, but he kept having short answers. Then I told him I can’t do whatever this is anymore and we can just be civil at family things (our families are close) and he said “great, that works perfect for me. Follow your boundaries then, in my eyes there’s no dislike or tension from my side.”What’s his deal? Also we never even went for drinks and he said “we were going to get drinks, big deal!” Why would he even say yes and act excited?

[spartan55]

I'd really like to hear his side of this because it's not just random.

[Asker]

I'm telling you, I asked him out for drinks and he said yes. He acted excited and we texted all night. Then he said he all of the house stuff and doubted we would go out. I started messaging him that he could just say no and we didn't have to go. He told me what he was up to and said he couldn't always respond back to messages right away. I told him I just didn't want to get played and to be honest. Then he got mean and said I confuse him and to give him space for now. He told me "you said you wanted to be friends and we are." We weren't even talking about that. He wouldn't tell me why he's confused either.

[spartan55]

I will say that you saying you don't have to go, or say no is very annoying. It would piss me off.

[spartan55]

You sound like you need a lot of assurance.

[Asker]

I just don't know what he wants, I need straightforward. If you don't want to go, tell me. If you changed your mind, tell me. Don't act excited and then go cold.

[spartan55]

You sound very high maintenance.

[Asker]

How is wanting someone to be honest high maintenance? I don't want to play games. Accepting an offer to go out and then being mean is just plain rude. And I asked this question to genuinely get help because I want input. I'm admitting I'm confused.

[spartan55]

It has nothing to do with being honest or not playing games. You are not getting it. He wasn't being 'mean', he had enough of you being neurotic about everything. You are telling him you don't want to be played and other relationshippy stuff. You are FRIENDS, but you were acting like it was a boyfriend/girlfriend thing and adding drama onto everything. He's confused because you said you wanted to be friends and then act like a crazy girlfriend. All he said was he had stuff to do on his house and you went off the deep end. Friends are supposed to be go with the flow. This was too much hassle.

[Asker]

I got honest and told him the truth. I had already cut ties with him because he's not healthy to be around. I explained that the reason for my behavior was because I had mixed feelings and it wasn't 100% platonic. I tried making it a close friendship because I thought that was better, but it was stressing me out to not be real. I also explained I never wanted him to feel awkward and that's why I kept it to myself for so long.

[Asker]

He told me we are and have always been social friends. He said this means when he sees me at functions he'll talk to me. So why all the other stuff then? Everything else feels like a lie now. I just don't get it. Is it just his alcoholism and he truly doesn't know what he says and does?

[spartan55]

You obviously think your relationship with him is different than he sees it.

[Asker]

No, I think flirting and accepting an offer for date-like activities is bizarre if you only feel we're social friends. I feel like he crossed a line and then wants to act like it didn't happen.

[spartan55]

I don't think it was that devious.

[Asker]

I just feel if we've always been social friends like he said then the flirting doesn't make sense. Unless it's literally that he's a flirty drunk and doesn't remember what he says or does.

[spartan55]

I don't know. The only thing I see is that you were just too pushy.

[jshm2]

He's sick of being in the friendzone with you, or he is bipolar.

[Asker]

That would make him get mean to me and want to be left alone? I tried talking to him to fix things and he said there’s nothing to fix and he’s not mad, but he kept having short answers. Then I told him I can’t do whatever this is anymore and we can just be civil at family things (our families are close) and he said “great, that works perfect for me. Follow your boundaries then, in my eyes there’s no dislike or tension from my side.”What’s his deal? Also we never even went for drinks and he said “we were going to get drinks, big deal!”

[Asker]

The friend zone wasn't the problem.

[TheFlak38]

he is starting to realise that he is wasting time and money to give free attention to an ungrateful bitch who treats him like her therapist.

[ThomasDavid1989]

No such thing as "just friends"

[Asker]

Why would he get mean out of nowhere?

[Asker]

Why be mean though?

[ThomasDavid1989]

I've already answered this

[Asker]

I'm not understanding.

[ThomasDavid1989]

You're overthinking it

[Asker]

Meaning what, though? How do we go from planning on going out to him being angry? I don't know what I did or what changed. I said it feels like there's tension and he doesn't like me and said in his eyes there's no dislike or tension from his side. What does that mean?

[ThomasDavid1989]

Why do you think you two can be "just friends"?

[Asker]

I finally got honest and told him about my feelings. I did so in a very careful way, as the purpose was to get the weight off of my shoulders, not to pursue him. He told me he understands and it's all good, no worries. I guess I was just played. At least I made peace with the situation for my own mind.

[ThomasDavid1989]

So you did something stupid, just to be dumb?

[Asker]

How was what I did stupid? I was honest with him and myself.

[ThomasDavid1989]

Yeah, but you did it for a dumb reason

If you like him, BE WITH HIM

[Asker]

We can't be together, and he doesn't like me. Didn't you read my above comment about his response? It wasn't a stupid reason, I did it to be an honest person.

[ThomasDavid1989]

You can be together and he likely does. He just might be afraid to admit it

Ever think of that?

[Asker]

How do you figure he likes me? I'm actually asking honestly because I'm confused where you're getting that idea. He would've said something when I admitted my own mixed feelings if that were the case, in my opinion.

[ThomasDavid1989]

Not necessarily
Lots of people don't admit their feelings, especially if it's the WRONG TIME

[Asker]

Okay, let me ask you this. Wouldn't any guy who reciprocated jump at the chance to have that open conversation? Him saying "I understand, and it's all good. No worries." was a polite decline in my mind. I asked him if he's just a flirty drunk and he said "I don't know what you're talking about. I think most people are when they drink? I really don't want to go down this road again." That sorta screams disinterest if you ask me.

[ThomasDavid1989]

I drink, but I'm not a flirty drinker.

And yes, like I said, he may just not have wanted to admit it right then and there. YOU CAN NOT ASSUME

[Asker]

I'm just confused how that wasn't a rejection. What about it makes you assume it wasn't? Or, what differences would've made you feel it was a solid rejection?

[Asker]

I'll add to this, I also told him that I knew it wasn't mutual and I never wanted to say anything because I didn't want to create awkwardness. That's also why I see it as a rejection. I feel like he would've jumped in and said it was mutual if that were the case. I also cut ties with him weeks ago because he started being mean for no reason after we had planned to get drinks.

[ThomasDavid1989]

Hun, we're going in circles. You told him you liked him, maybe he likes you maybe he doesn't, but, that doesn't mean you can remain "just friends"

YOU WERE NEVER FRIENDS

[Asker]

He says we're still friends and to trust him. Why will be not just reject me to my face?

[Hummertime]

He see you as a wife material not friend.

[Asker]

That would make him get mean to me and want to be left alone? I tried talking to him to fix things and he said there’s nothing to fix and he’s not mad, but he kept having short answers. Then I told him I can’t do whatever this is anymore and we can just be civil at family things (our families are close) and he said “great, that works perfect for me. Follow your boundaries then, in my eyes there’s no dislike or tension from my side.”What’s his deal?

[Asker]

That would make him get mean to me and want to be left alone? I tried talking to him to fix things and he said there’s nothing to fix and he’s not mad, but he kept having short answers. Then I told him I can’t do whatever this is anymore and we can just be civil at family things (our families are close) and he said “great, that works perfect for me. Follow your boundaries then, in my eyes there’s no dislike or tension from my side.” Why is he doing this?

[Asker]

I don't know why that posted twice, and it won't let me delete the duplicate.

[Asker]

Actually, he doesn't.

[Hummertime]

He is acting like a child. He should be polite at least and talk things threw.

Base in what you are telling me he isn't emotional mature much less ready for a serious relationship if he is giving you way to easy.

[Hummertime]

I advice you not to waste you're time. Believe me he will live to regret his choice later in life.

You're the adult here in the relationship you wanted to fix things but he wants to be a little boy.

[Asker]

Thank you for this, I really needed to hear it. I did decide to be completely honest because I'm sick of feeling like I have some secret. I kindly explained I had to cut ties because I had mixed feelings and wasn't 100% platonic. I told him I didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause awkwardness. I wasn't just completely open and honest, which isn't easy for me. He replied back and said he understands and it's all good. I asked him if he's just a flirt when he drinks, and he said he feels like everyone is flirty when they're drunk. It hurt, but I needed to hear the reality. I'm not sure why then he answered "no" when I asked him in the past if there's ever been anything he didn't mean to say to me or do drunk or sober. Maybe it all comes back to him being an alcoholic and not remembering what he does, I don't know.