Is it common for depression that a guy acts social at work but completely depressed with friends (not responding to messages, isolating)?

[Anonymous]

Just wondering if it’s depression or something else as we are worried for him. He has a job in which he has constant contact with people and also a very social team with which they often do things together. Atmosphere on the work place is relaxed and they often have client events in the form of parties. As much as we know, he’s still “normal” at work. But with friends he has been acting completely depressed, doesn’t answer to messages, completely lost interest to do things he liked and the few times he hangs out with us he acts bored and grumpy and goes home earlier. Just wondering if he just hates us or if this is common… actually most of the time he takes the excuse ha focusing on work when saying he doesn’t want to hang out. And he has mentioned before he consider his colleagues good friends. So maybe he just decided he doesn’t like us and wants to hang out with them…

[SteveSmith1985]

No. This is very normal for depression. I've been guilty of this myself. Your friend doesn't hate you. He just doesn't want to put on his fake-work mask around his actual friends. I know it seems like he's pushing you away. But I don't think that's what he means to do. He is just unhappy. Just really unhappy. He is acting like an asshole, but he is just depressed. Try and be patient with him if you can. Offer to talk if he's wanting to. Let him know you care about him. Don't give up on him. And as unfair as it is... do keep at least trying to include him by inviting him out. Even if he usually says no. Even if he's an ass when he does come out. Hopefully, he'll come out on the other side of this. But he doesn't hate you. He hates himself. If you don't give up on him, eventhough you have every reason to. That'll mean a whole lot to him. If he becomes just too much, then fair enough. But if you are able and willing to be patient with him, until he (hopefully) begins to feel differently, I'm sure your friend would greatly appreciate it. Try not to take it personally. It's not.

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer! Its just confusing because he has this job that is all about corporate events and parties and chatting up clients to entertain them, and knowing he is functional at this outgoing job just makes it seem like he’s fine when he’s not with us. But he’s stopped responding even to his closest friends and we know he was having problems in the family. We can’t do anything else than hope this phase will go away soon…

[SteveSmith1985]

I know it doesn't seem to make sense that he can be Mr. Happy and personable at work while feeling so depressed he's not able to maintain even the basic bare-bones of his friendships. But... really... I have literally done exactly that.

On the one hand, you're right that there isn't a whole lot you can do besides hoping this phase will go away. On the other hand, that's not at all true. You can (and already are) doing something way more than just hoping. You're willing to have patience with your friend, even when he doesn't deserve for his friends to be patient. You've tried... he's being an asshole. He's not even making any pretense to give a fuck about you at all. But he does. He definitely does.

If you are able and willing to continue to overlook him being the shittiest of shitty friends... while you're hoping this phase passes, that would be HUGE. That would be going way above and beyond. But that's what else you can do. Don't give up on your friendship, eventhough you have every right to. That is going to mean the world to him when this phase is something he moves past.

For me, I just couldn't stand being asked "how are things" or "Hows everything been" or you, know those very basic regular questions. Not from people I did not want to lie to. I would end up acting like your friend, mostly for fear of having to answer that question. Stupid as it sounds.

Not that my friends were ever anything but supportive. There was no reason I should be so hesitant to answer that question regardless. I knew they weren't going to judge me. It wasn't about that. I just... didn't want to talk about it. At all. And I also wasn't going to lie, or put-on my work mask around people I love. So because it clearly makes sense, I would avoid talking to, or seeing the people I cared about. But I cannot tell you how much it meant to still have those friends not give up on me.

[smashleyy]

Plenty of people who are depressed know how to mask it when they feel necessary. If anything he just feels comfortable enough around yous to not have to put on a bullshit facade cause yous are friends. When I was going through it bad i didn’t have it in me to even entertain a conversation over text with friends, I just wanted to be completely alone and they too thought I hated them. They continuously asked if I did and I reassured them each time which did end up pissing me off and putting a strain on the friendships. I was fighting thoughts of suicide and they were making what I was going through mentally revolve around them and it came off as ignorant and self absorbed.