How do you leave someone who keeps guilting you into staying and promising to change?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend opened up to me about how broken up he was about a girl who just randomly left him in a really mean and hurtful way. When he told me I thought to myself that her behavior seemed like a jackass thing to do and that she could have handled things so much better. But over time dating him I started to notice a lot. He can be downright emotionally abusive. He doesn’t try to do what makes me happy and I did try to make my best effort at first until I felt overwhelmed with his behavior. He throws his bare minimum effort in my face like I’m supposed to be grateful for no dates and arguments during our “quality” time. I kept trying to abate an argument but I believe it would be better to stay away as he chooses to be oblivious to his wrongs. Now why did I start dating a man like that? I thought he was different, he put on an act. But I don’t want to stay. He guilted me into giving him another chance which I feel was weak of me to do. I shouldn’t have. But I did. And I tried to tell myself then that maybe I could monitor my own behavior better to keep him from acting like that. But not only am I walking on eggshells but it’s like we don’t do anything ever except sit at my house and argue. We don’t even talk anymore. When I try to talk to him I feel like I’m talking to myself unless I say something he finds offensive-then he chirps up and we argue. He isn’t just bad. He has good qualities too. He has a lot of good qualities. But im not happy. I would ONLY be happy if he changed which I can’t bank on. I realize why his ex did what she did. But what sucks is that HE doesn’t realize why she did it. Not that her behavior was right but what would CAUSE somebody to act like that. There isn’t anybody I want to replace him with, it’s not that I think the grass is greener somewhere else. I just want to feel good in my life and I don’t feel good around him anymore.

[SteveSmith1985]

Listen. You said it: This is an abusive relationship.

I end up talking to way too many women whose partners are abusive on here. You, are a thousand times better-off than most insofar as you are still fully aware that you're being mistreated. You haven't had your reality begin to warp to where the way you're being treated stops seeming to be as outrageous and wrong as it used to.

You don't need the speech about how your relationship is abusive, and you need to leave this guy. No matter how difficult that might be. (and I do understand that its not easy). You don't need me to say any of the things I would usually say to a woman in an abusive relationship. You already know. You know you do.

The "how" for you, is to just... do what you know you need to do. You deserve to be happy. You know you shouldn't continue in this relationship. I know its hard. But you just need to do it. You know why. Now you just have to do it. For your own good. And I know that you know this already. So... Its a matter of you making the case to yourself for why you're leaving. And leave. It's going to be really hard, but you have to just do it. And be firm about it. No bullshit talking about working things out after you leave him. He will not change. You know that already too.

You don't need advice. You just need a push to do what you already know you've gotta do. You can do this. So do it! (please) 🙂

[richardcory]

Recognize that they haven't changed and that means they are unlikely to ever do so. Never stay with someone because of who you hope they become, rather than who they actually are

[BarryLiverstone]

You set expectations and let them know your needs and see if they promise to step up and meet them. If they don’t then move on.


Have you clearly communicated your needs and told him what you expect?

[In_Trance]

Make a decision and stick with it