I don’t understand how guys “care” about me but don’t want to be with me?

[Anonymous]

Why do they care in the first place if they don’t love me?

I thought care would develop into love

[Anonymous]

in my opinion, men who say they care but won’t commit are giving you just enough to keep getting what they want out of you, and usually it’s physical. What do you think would happen if they were cold and said they didn’t give a damn? If you’re a self-respecting woman you’d be out of there, which is not what they want. They want your girlfriend perks without a commitment, that is all.

[Asker]

I’ve never had sex but yes I agree. They can still want other things from you

[Opinion Owner]

Oh wow, well if there’s no sex involved, I’d say this is a way of friendzoning. Do you usually have romantic feelings for them?

[Asker]

Yes…. Sometimes I try to gain their sympathy to see if they would change

[Opinion Owner]

You should never want someone to love you out of pity or sympathy, hun.

[Asker]

I can’t get any man to love me.

[Opinion Owner]

You should love yourself first, work on your confidence, maybe therapy, this isn’t healthy

[Asker]

Ik sometimes I can’t help it… I will admit that it hurt when me and this guy got into an argument and I went off on him I’ll admit. I asked why he responds and he said “I feel bad for you”

It hurt but I felt like it was partially true

[Opinion Owner]

Since you said that sometimes you try to gain men’s sympathy in hopes that they’ll change their minds, it’s possible that you do it subconsciously now, and if that’s the case then yeah, he might be feeling bad for you. I don't know how you go about it, whether it’s talking down on yourself, expressing feeling rejected, undesirable, unloveable, like hearing someone tear themselves down like that will make anyone feel bad. That’s why I think you should try to get yourself out of that pattern. It’s hard to unlearn what you’ve been used to doing for so long, but at some point you’re gonna get sick of feeling bad about yourself. It’s exhausting to the point where you should always try to help yourself not do it anymore.

[Asker]

Yeah I did exactly that but it was the truth tho. I genuinely feel like that…. I feel like I start to do it when he no longer wants me or I feel like he’s pushing me away bc he might of found someone else.

The weird thing is I’ll do this to ruin things on purpose. Like if a guy did like me I’ll just do this to make him reconsider

[Opinion Owner]

I can actually relate to that because in my younger days I used to ruin things for myself in one way or another as well. I think it’s a defensive mechanism when you’re used to being hurt in some way, it’s kinda like beating them to it. At least for me that’s how it was, and if you can relate at all then let me just say it’s just your trauma talking. The part of you that wants to be loved gets overshadowed by you trying to protect yourself the best way you know how. Eventually you’ll get tired of this though, if you’re not at that point already. I was my own worst enemy and it took a long time to not only love myself but to feel deserving of receiving it in return. The journey isn’t easy but it’s very much worth it to not be so self-sabotaging.

[Asker]

Wow, you summed up exactly how I feel. I’m glad I have someone to relate to.

I don't know what trauma would be causing this. I’m very insecure and I’ve been told by the SAME guy that he thinks I’m lonely angry and very insecure.

[Opinion Owner]

Trauma isn’t always something super dramatic or crazy, it’s just things that happen in your life which have affected you and you still carry with you in some way, shape or form. Even small things like disappointment or rejection happening once or twice could affect your self esteem and how you problem solve to this day. You should think about where this all started, even from the first time you ruined things with a guy on purpose and figure out why you did it. It’s all part of healing so you can be better going forward. Also if I were you I wouldn’t talk to that guy anymore, assuming you haven’t cut him off already. You don’t need sympathizers.

[Asker]

I’ve experienced lotsss of rejection in different ways. A lot of it is from guys and family regarding my look and not looking a certain way. I think my biggest rejection is never feeling accepted by my mom. Even at age 6/7 I always felt like she didn’t like me.

[Opinion Owner]

This makes me sad, because what you went through with your mom and family are your biggest traumas. Those people help build our character, so if you grew up feeling unaccepted and rejected, then it makes sense that you don’t know how to properly receive it, your other behavior makes sense as well. All I can really say is that when you’re ready to heal, then take it a day at a time. Get a journal to write this all out, maybe a therapist if you don’t already have one, do the work to reverse how you think about yourself. It’s a long road because you gotta think, you’ve spent your whole life becoming who you are now, that’s years and years invested. You can try to heal it the best you can though, and hopefully come out with a much happier, healthier mindset.

[Asker]

I feel sooo stuck for my age. I’m 26 and I feel like I’m struggling so much with confidence. Even more now than ever. I don’t even try fr bc I just know I’ll fail.

I’m also still a virgin bc I’m so scared that I’ll go mentally insane if I give it to a guy who doesn’t want me… it’s wayyy to lo triggering

But you’re right. I need therapy and I know this is going to take a lot of time.

[LiamJHayden]

More info is needed. "Care" and try to sleep with you or "care" and simply enjoy your company and do little things to help you? I care about all of my friends, but they are friends and I have no desire to be with any of them.

[Anonymous]

Guys care about their little sisters but they don't want to date their sisters.

Someone can care about you and not want to be your lover. It's called a friend.

[kakaling]

Care is a personalities trait, you don't really need love to care for someone.

[kakaling]

I once saw two children watching a dead bird, I told them not to touch them and stay away from it, I'm caring too.

[Asker]

Yeah this guy was repulsed by me and one day he saw me teary eyed and started to act a bit different. He looks more and lingers a bit

[Anonymous]

Men aren't incapable of seeing women as human beings and caring about them

[gothbxtch]

could just be platonic friendship feelings