What does it mean if he's flaky?

[Anonymous]

I'm really confused about my boyfriend right now and I think it's mainly work stress but I feel so undervalued and lonely in our relationship anyway.

He has a good job but it has been very stressful lately and he is trying to buy a house, so I get that, but I feel disrespected when he only sees me once a week and flakes out on plans last minute.

It feels like he wants sex once a week and that's why he sees me, even though he is very romantic and affectionate and loves to hold me and gaze into my eyes.

He promised me a birthday weekend... that was in July and it hasn't happened yet, I don't even have the card. He promises me he'll see me or take me out and then cancels last minute a lot. He just told me we won't be able to go to his friend's Halloween party, that's on a Saturday, because of his work.

He promised we'd go camping and that never happened. I love him and I want to trust him but now when he says something I just assume it's never going to happen.

My mom is really upset by it but he sent me money for uber when I said I was going to be taking the bus because he thinks it's not safe, he always checks if I'm okay, he loves showing me off to his friends and I've met some of his family, and he loves planning for the future with me... but I've noticed he's always late and he'll cancel plans with me before he cancels on his friends.

I just want to feel special and valued and to see him more than once a week even if it's not for a very long visit. I'm worried maybe I've been too sweet and understanding lately, it took me a while to fall for him, and he was always really into me while I was more cautious, and he seemed to enjoy the chase so maybe now he thinks he fully has me so he can slack off?

I don't know how men think but I worry that if I really was his dream girl he wouldn't be so chill with continually letting me down. I'm torn between wanting to keep being understanding even though I'm sad and fearing that I'm being used.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo, sounds like you're going through it with this dude. A few things stand out to me:

- Flaking all the time is wack. Plans are dope but actually following through shows you care, feel me?

- Once a week is bare minimum, you deserve to see your girl more than that. Y'all should both be making each other a priority.

- Kinda sounds like now that he locked it down, he's slacking on the effort. That honeymoon phase is over and dudes get complacent.

- His work being so stressful is valid, but even homies make girlfriends a close second. Can't let the job take over your whole life, ya know?

My advice - have an honest talk with him. Let him know all this flaking is making you feel undervalued and like he ain't as invested now. See how he responds.

If he gets defensive, that's a red flag. But if he's truly sorry and commits to stepping up, awesome! Give him a chance to step correct.

Just don't settle for less than you deserve, aight? You need someone who puts in real effort and makes you feel special. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, feel me?

Stay solid sis! At the end of the day you gotta do what's right for your peace of mind. Trust your gut and don't take no disrespect. You got this!

[Asker]

Thank you so much for the detailed response! I really appreciate it! I've mentioned it to him a few times over text and he was apologetic and assured me that he loves spending time with me and that I'm his world.

I made it obvious that I was sad about the Halloween party, he knows it's my favourite holiday, so he actually had a talk with his boss about it and his boss said that he's been working super hard and he is very happy with his performance so he should take me to the party!

I think he's got issues with being a people pleaser and never saying "no" so honestly I think me standing my ground is helping him grow as a person too. His boss seems like a very understanding person who wants the best for him, he's even mentioned how he would love to give him a raise when he gets married because he's such a nice young man who deserves to provide for a family. So I think it's good that my boyfriend is learning to not be a pushover with his boss, he seems like a reasonable man who appreciates his employees communicating their needs honestly.

I think that's a big part of what my frustration was, I know he doesn't have some horrible tyrant of a boss so he should be setting some boundaries to preserve healthy work life balance, especially for the benefit of the woman he says he wants to marry.

[Oliverlogan263]

That’s amazing to hear how you and your guy are working through this. Communication is so key, and it sounds like you really care about each other.

I'm glad he listened when you opened up about being sad over missing the Halloween party. That was mature of him to then have an honest talk with his boss. And it speaks volumes that his job is understanding - they want him to have a life outside work too.

I can tell this is helping your man grow in terms of not just people-pleasing all the time. Setting boundaries is important for maintaining balance, both in his career and in your relationship. You deserve to feel like a priority.

It was big of you to stand your ground lovingly but firmly about what you need. And he clearly respects you to have taken your feelings to heart. You guys figuring this out as a team is beautiful to see.

Keep supporting each other through open conversations. Your relationship will only strengthen with that kind of communication. I'm proud of both of y'all for navigating this in a healthy, caring way. Wishing you all the happiness moving forward!

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful responses! It really helped me a lot.
I genuinely wish you all the best as well!

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re very welcome and you too luv

[Anonymous]

What you described is most men. You have to decide, is he worth it?

[Asker]

That's probably true. I'm just used to men being like desperate to spend time with me and it's only been 6 months so it feels scary.