Why is he so flaky?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has a serious problem following through on things. It has happened enough that its started to worry me. For example... we were talking on and off about taking a trip together to see some friends and at first he seemed like he wanted me to go, then he ended up deciding to go alone saying he was just gonna do "guy stuff" and I wouldn't have fun, plus he is staying with his friend's parents and he felt awkward asking if I could stay there.

He also said his cousin had an opening at his company (I'm looking for a job) and we talked about it for some time until I started to feel like he wasn't ever going to set it up. When I confronted him he told me he realized the job wasn't that great and he'll help me find a better one.

Those are the 2 big things but it's also little stuff like changing plans at the last minute. The thing is I've seen him be flaky with his friends/family too so I don't know if he's walking on me or it's just how he is. He insists that I am super important to him and he loves being with me but sometimes I feel like he's not treating me very well. Sometimes I don't take what he says seriously because there is a very good chance it won't happen anyway, and I hate that. Or am I just being crazy and should let this stuff go?

[onemoreplease]

Reliability and trust are so important. After all, if your boyfriend can't follow through on dinner plans, how is he going to follow through on the big stuff like commitment and fidelity?

But then again, I think a lot of men feel pressure to impress with grand gestures and be the knight in shining armor who saves/amazes you. You have every right to feel frustrated when he flakes on you, but if he treats you well in every other aspect then he may just be running his mouth to make himself look good and doesn't realize until later that he can't back it up. It's immature and confusing, yes, but it isn't necessarily a sign that the relationship is doomed.

Since you mentioned he flakes out on other people too, I think this might be "how he is" in that he has a bad habit of over-hyping his skills/connections/knowledge and over-scheduling his time so that eventually someone gets let down or disappointed. I know plenty of flaky people and I've learned that they don't mean to hurt anyone intentionally- just the opposite, they want so badly to please other people that they make promises they can't keep.

You should certainly have a nice chat with him and tell him how his flakiness hurts you and affects your life. It won't be difficult for him to see your point of view, but be warned that he may have a hard time breaking the habit and changing his behavior. Ultimately, if he can't start following through, you can try to accept him and trust him despite his flakiness- or you can move on and find someone who can back up their words with action.

[queenb2000]

I don't mean to worry you, but when a guy frequently cancels on you, especially at the last minute, it's a BIG red flag. From what you've said here, I get the impression that he likes the idea of having you but he's not interested in investing time and emotions in your 'relationship'. Him promising you to do this and take you here and planning all these things there could be a ploy to hang on to you. He knows you're crazy about him so he figures you won't mind terribly if he keeps canceling on you. He's being really shady to be frank. The whole deal with the trip and deciding to go alone is a giant red flag (more so his explanation). If your gut is telling you that something's not right, there's a big possibility that it's not. Don't "let this stuff go". I don't see how he wants to nurture a relationship where he's constantly disappointing you. I think it's up to you to decide if you want him to keep treating you this way. If he's always been this way, then he's not changing anytime soon. Whatever his reasons are, you deserve his time, attention etc too. Tell him how you feel and go with your gut from there. Don't let him soften you up and bait you again and again and again.