Do men ever have a fear of intimacy?

[Anonymous]

I used to love a guy who said he was a virgin who couldn’t bear to be intimately touched, refused to kiss or sleep with me, then a few years later, he said he was more sexually experienced than that and that he’d just felt scared of the thought of getting close to me and being vulnerable, because he liked me. We had one date those years later that he pushed for and he was talking of love, relationships and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Is this normal for a man in his thirties or forties? I don’t really understand what’s normal. I have Asperger’s syndrome and never had a normal dating experience. So did this man (have Asperger’s).

[Drumlin2001]

I was a virgin till 35. Hadn't had a kiss even.
I had a mental block over physical intimacy. There were a few occasions over the years I got close to women, but could never bring myself to kiss them. It was a big weight on my shoulders.
It was only after therapy that I was able to open up to someone and she gave me time to work through my issues. After that, I have been able to date and and now engaged. Still have some hang ups over body image but in general much more affectionate

[Asker]

That’s great. Congratulations 😀😀

[ThrillSeeker01]

He hasn't had a lot of experience, I think, so he's nervous. They're worried about doing the wrong thing (like how far to take things, physically. What your boundaries are).

[Asker]

Don’t they understand that by doing nothing, acting like they want nothing, will get them nothing?

[ThrillSeeker01]

You're right, and it happens with quite a few guys. Just have a talk with him and tell him you want it, maybe.

[Asker]

I did, years ago. I couldn’t have made it more obvious. So I pretty much gave up long ago. Now I’m just trying to understand it. Since I’ve had two guys treat me like their mate. When I knew at least one was interested.

[Asker]

It reaches a point where it starts to feel uncomfortable and humiliating, looking so vulnerable and being so direct, as a woman. Then you reach the point where you give up.

[Asker]

It’s a similar feeling, knowing someone’s interested but won’t make a move, to being unable to make a romantic partner have an erection.

[ThrillSeeker01]

I totally understand how you feel. It's not your fault. A guy has to be engaged too (just like a guy not having an erection is not the woman's fault at all either).

[Asker]

Supposedly it was his depression medication, the guy that couldn’t get hard. It was hard not to take that personally, though. Yeah, the one that didn’t make a move came back but i guess I didn’t want him to wait two years to make a move, then chase me with a desperation, a sense of urgency.

[ThrillSeeker01]

It might have been the medication (or not). But it's up to a guy to find a way to get hard for his woman (not that's not so difficult... just finding the right fantasy, him telling you what turns him on... he could always get Viagra). But yes I know it's understandable for your feelings to be hurt if he couldn't get hard for you.

[Asker]

When a man refuses sex, wants to kiss you on the cheek, starts calling you ‘Mate;’ all the time and acts like you’ve just killed his dog, ignores you for years, avoids you, blocks you, then comes back and then randomly chases you like you’re the last woman left on the planet, with a persistence and desperation, it creeps you out and makes you feel like to him, you are his last option and he simply couldn’t do any better.

[ThrillSeeker01]

And yeah, they come off as desperate because they want sex but they don't know how to handle it, most likely.

[Asker]

(In reference to the first guy I was discussing); the medication guy was just an example of humiliating situations.

[ThrillSeeker01]

You're totally right, that's not acceptable. You deserve better than that. I wouldn't go near someone who blocked me. That's a deal breaker.

[Asker]

I agree. He probably just wanted sex and couldn’t do better. Or he’s unwell.

[ThrillSeeker01]

In that case, some guys will get hard if a woman plays with it and also his balls, like couples can talk and find out what each other likes. I know that's really hard to do for tons of people. Its on a guy, that's all. Most guys will get an erection if they simply see a woman in bra/panties and even more so nude. It was something not right with him. I'm sorry that that must have sucked. But you and other woman shouldn't feel it reflects on you

[ThrillSeeker01]

Exactly, so don't feel bad. Who wants any guy like that?

[Asker]

I felt bad for a while. Now I just find it random.

[ThrillSeeker01]

Randomly meeting guys who are like that?

[Asker]

No, I met him through friends.

[ThrillSeeker01]

Gotcha. But there are better guys out there. You deserve better.

[ThrillSeeker01]

Thanks for the MHO.

[aceleon]

i have it, i don't have asperger or anything i have ocd (not about cleanliness or such thing) i had many sexual experience that went smoothly but i don't remember what i was thinking or imagining in those situations and now i'm kind of scared that i might be asexual or have porn addiction and not be able to get hard if i try to do it with a girl again if i try to not loose myself in the situation and stayed focused (i don't have any problem with being an aromantic but i love being allo) also i get turned off with too familiarity it's like we are not mates but more like family.

[Asker]

So, it’s a real thing? What was he actually afraid of? Being unable to satisfy me, or losing my friendship? Or was he likely put off by the fact that we’d been friends for so long?

[aceleon]

he probably lacked the experience and believe it or not first times are scary even for males actually it might be even worse for us since we also have to give pleasure, he probably couldn't bear the idea of the pressure but as he gained age and experience he got relaxed also probably had a fear of commitment but as he got older he moved on from that and feels more open about it.

[Asker]

So you think he probably was a virgin back then who put too much pressure on himself to perform and satisfy me but he continued to really like me and remember me and want something?

[Asker]

As time passed?

[aceleon]

yeah probably it even though i'm not sure not because it's unlikely or anything, more so because i wouldn't keep feelings for that long so i can't emphatize.

[Asker]

I can keep feelings for a few years, but I usually don’t revisit the past and date people I failed with the first time, regardless of my feelings for the person.

[aceleon]

well i don't date in general so i am really not the guy who should be talking about this but if this guy keep this feelings i guess he deserves a chance.

[Asker]

I didn’t think guys could keep these feelings.

[aceleon]

well hate to say this since i don't actively believe in it but, everyone is different i guess.

[IslaTheWitch]

Hard to say, what was his experience. Asperger's includes a wide spectrum of problems including physical oversensivity. It takes years to align to your levels and be able to lead satisfying life.

Unfortunately, I know it firsthand, as I have Asperger's Syndrome too.

So his actions can have something to do with autism spectrum, but don't have to.

There is one thing quite common between men (correct me guys if I'm in wrong). They love to perform well in sexual activities and it includes satisfying their partner and endurance. So my assumption is, that if they are afraid of anything it will be related to this area.

As I have not enough information, I can't draw any conclusion. But whatever it was... he clearly solved it :D

And "normal" is a very broad term. Generally everything allowed by law and not harming other people and yourself is considered normal...

[Crankor]

I would focus on what's normal these days ha. Well his train of thought through that could have been a been odd but if he feels like he's in a better place mentally and it works for you then I'd say it's fine... just be sure to know how he reacts to life situations in general over time to get a better idea of him like how he usually handles things now

[Crankor]

I meant wouldn't, dang auto correct

[Billlewis]

I'm very fearful of not being able to properly satisfy her.

[Asker]

Was that what he was afraid of?

[Asker]

Do men put pressure on themselves when they really like a woman?

[Billlewis]

Of course we do! And it's often quite terrifying, but that's life, obviously.

[Asker]

So that’s likely to be what he was scared of? Not performing properly?

[Asker]

Or was there more to it than that?

[Nik1hil]

Yes , I do...

I have never hugged or kissed or slept with a women..

I need to know her a lot before I get intimate..

To sleep next to her, I need to know she won't kill me in my sleep, so that's practically impossible..

[KrakenAttackin]

Men are not "afraid" of intimacy, men ARE afraid of being casually destroyed by women. Allowing yourself to become intimate with a woman is to make yourself vulnerable to her true nature.

[exitseven]

Nietzche said that "in men that are hard, intimacy involves shame and thus is precious." I think this is true.

[Anonymous]

Not if he trusts you. a lot of women give guys a lot of reasons to distrust them. Sometimes that can be built up over time.

[Asker]

Interesting. What sorts of reasons?

[Asker]

I’m not here to judge. I’m just trying to better understand men.

[Anonymous]

29 at the time and I like to think that she was a better than my last one was

[Asker]

A better what? Better romantic match? I guess we all learn things the hard way in our twenties and learn what’s important and what’s not.

[Asker]

I’m 35 now and liked a guy that age a few years ago. I think my big learning thing was to stop being so desperate to please everyone but myself.

[Asker]

You find in your thirties, stuff like guys with a gut or a bit shorter, skinnier or darker/lighter than you’d prefer, you’re more willing to overlook imperfections. I have, anyway. I’ve been dating a guy with a gut recently and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

[Asker]

I thought about your words, now I think you’re admitting you were that guy that said those words to me, that I’ve referred to in my question. You mean that you didn’t have much respect for the woman who threw herself at you for sex on here. Well, the difference was that I wanted a whole relationship, a lot more than just sex and I was very much in love with you at the time when I offered to give myself to you. So yes, my intentions were pure. I had never made an offer of that nature to any man for years and certainly not a friend so it wasn’t an everyday thing for me. But good luck to women who want good times. That may not be what I want, but why shouldn’t they go for it, if you men are up for it? I tend to agree with the song Slut like You by Pink, where she addresses double standards of men.

[OddBeMe]

Intimacy goes against our ideas of masculinity so yes, definitely.

[FenixG45]

I think some do, but I would trade sex for intimacy in a heartbeat!

[ProbablyClueless]

Men can absolutely be afraid of intimacy.

[jimmy2]

Only with a trans