What is the situation here? Advice?

[Anonymous]

I’ve never been one to even encounter the idea of seeing a married man. Then I met “him” at my new job. At first it was just hi and bye. Then we got to know each other more, we had lots in common and connected in a way I hadn’t connected with anyone before. I actually found myself having feelings for him. Things were very platonic with just having lunch and talking about our nerdy hobbies with each other. Fast forward, we both ended up parting ways with the company. He still wanted to see me and said he missed me. Every week he drives 30mins to meet me somewhere for lunch. I see him as my best friend. When I was sick with pneumonia he called/texted everyday to see how I was doing. He’s given me large sums of money when I most needed it. We’ve never kissed, or done anything physical, it remains with hugs or him placing his head on my shoulder while we’re eating lunch. This has gone on for a year. He told me he loves me to pieces. He calls me 3 times a day to see how I’m doing, texts me all day and will FaceTime me during lunch if he starts to miss me on the days we are too busy to meet for lunch. He always tells me he loves me to pieces. We once went an entire month not seeing each other when he tore his Achilles, when we finally saw each other he almost bursted out in tears hugging me.

One day I asked him, if circumstances were different, would you have chosen me to share a life with?
He got upset and immediately jumped to the thought that I was telling him to leave his kids and family. I never said that, all I asked was a hypothetical question. I would never want him to leave his kids, which is why I would never go down that road of physical stuff with him. I tried to explain myself and what I meant, he yelled at me. It hurt very much.

I’m very confused right now. Emotionally, he treats me like a girlfriend he deeply cares for. But lashed out when I asked a simple question. I want to understand, but don’t.

Can someone help give insight to what the deal is here?

Updates

+1 y

He also gave me his sweater that smelled like him. He said to bring me comfort when I’m watching our favorite tv show and he can’t be there.

[Oliverlogan263]

This is a really complex situation man, but there's definitely some red flags I see:

- Him being married is the biggest one. No matter how much you connect, starting anything physical would be wrong since he made a commitment to his wife.

- The yelling when you asked a hypothetical question is also not cool. Even if the question upset him, lashing out isn't okay.

- The money gifts and constant communication start to blur boundaries. That level of involvement usually indicates deeper feelings beyond friendship.

It seems like there may be an emotional affair developing here even if nothing physical has happened. Some things to consider:

- His marriage and family have to come before anything else. You can't be the other woman.

- Think long term - can you be truly happy knowing you'll always come second to his wife? It will likely end in heartbreak.

- Set clear boundaries if you stay friends. Less communication, no money, keep interactions brief/public.

- Consider creating distance for your own heart's sake if he can't be just a friend. You both may have stronger feelings you're not acknowledging.

Tread carefully. I know you care about him, but protect yourself first. His situation is complicated - you have to look out for you. Let me know if any other questions come up.

[spartan55]

Why would even ask that question to a married man? Tf is wrong with you? You are a lowlife.

[HaveNoName]

This is not s platonic friendship. Who's fooling who? All kinds of limits being crossed by a family man. Definitely some guilt messing up his mind