Why is the guy I luv so much totally ignoring me, he rejected to meet me, we r not frnds, we r in masters prgrm abroad n will graduate in June 2024?

[Anonymous]

Hi Guys, I am a girl.. there is a guy in my college whom i love a lot. Everyone in my frnds circle know that i love him. Plus i had conveyed my feelings for him through two of my guy friends. But he never showed any interest. He always has kept mum on it. And in the initial days when he got to know that i like him, he used to look at me. Its been 10 months all in all, i have chased him a lot , though i never directly conveyed my feelings to him. But he has been very cold about it. Recently I asked him to meet me so that i can talk to him directly to which he said he doesn't think there is anything to disucss. I find him looking at me sometimes in class, and the moment I look at him he looks elsewhere. Him looking at me is very rare. Plus he has intentionally started ignoring me or avoiding me like if he sees me in near by area in clg, he literally vanishes from there. What could be the reason? If he doesn't have any interest or liking in me then it's fine, but at least i feel he should respect me as a person and not behave this strange way. Long back when my frnds told him about my feelings, i started ignoring him but this was purely because i was super anxious whenever around him. It was as if i didn't have words to say anything to him, I used to freeze. And recently when i asked him to meet, after he rejected, i said sorry cause i felt by telling about my feelings to his frnds n not him directly has made a way too much noise about this thing. People used to tease him by my name etc. So i just said sorry for making him feel awkward multiple times, this was on message only. And i also said i used to get extremely nervous around him that's why i never spoke to him about it. What do u think, why is he doing this? Does he hate me?

[DoggyDude]

One thing that's really important to learn is keeping control when we are in love. I know its super easy to get carried away by it, and also biologically the love chemicals our brain gives out makes us, nervous, anxious, worried and all sorts of things. It makes it so easy for us to make a stupid decision, and then worse having made it, our brain will make us more anxious because we perceive the negative impact of that decision and double down on our nerves.

What I see you've done here is setup a difficult to impossible position. I sympathise because I did something similar just recently myself (though obviously on the guy side) so I know how it goes. It can make us into a neurotic mess.

Now, that is what your crush is experiencing, a neurotic girl, and worse as you realise your trying to fix stuff but its just making it worse. The reality is, as hard as it may be, we need to let go, relax and just be calm, appologise, if we are lucky explain personally how much we like them, then just be a clam friend and see what becomes.

So, no he won't hate you but he might be worried about your stability and question how far you might go with this obsession (as he will likely see it right now). It will be very hard for you to ever get to a sensible position where he will see you as a girl / woman, and the best way to try to undo the damage is relax completely around him (super hard, but need to). Spend time with your friends, allow other guys to catch your attention, but don't not give him attention just be generally available to guys you find hot (in terms of flirting and taklking). Once he sees your not obsessively focused on him, he might even realise he actually was liking your obessive attention and try to regain it (and if he does your in). If he doesn't though, he will at least get to be more comfortable with you around and not concerned, and whilst your comfy around each other you can chat about relaxed stuff and really get to know eachother without the stresses of wondering how he's feeling.

I know it can be hard, and sometimes you just need to enjoy the fact that you can get back to a place where he doesn't think your some obsessive stalker character, but if your really lucky, maybe he can see you the same in time.

Best of luck.

[Asker]

Thank you so mucn , you understood it so rightly 🥹. Honestly i am letting him go. I feel he doesnot respect me and I don't want a guy who will not respect me. It literally is not something i would want from a relationship. I dont know how to say but believe me i loved him so much and i am a one man girl, i never had a relationship. I am virgin , I can't give myself to anyone just for that moment you know. And i am such a sweet girl , I am always there for people, i feel i would be so awesome to a have a bestie like me. That much good and genuine person i am. I don't drink, dont smoke and not a party person. I love to chitchat and have good conversations, i have never ever said anything bad to anyone. My parents say i am a very precious soul. I am not showing off anything here. It's just if he is not able to see any good value in me then it's his loss. And i also dont want someone who doesn't appreciate me or find anything in me. And physically too I have so many guys in clg crushingn on me. I am 28, but people say i look like 24-25 years old girl. So it's really been emotionally draining process with him where he sees nothing in me. And i dont want to blame him for that but at least as a human being I deserved the respect. I have apologized to him for all i did. I said "I am genuinely sorry for making you feel awkward/uncomfortable"

I did all i could, now i have given up. No things to carry on futther.

[DoggyDude]

Nod, yes, keeping that sense of yourself is important. I suspect the relationships which work the best aren't the perfect ones but the ones where both sides sees past to the souls of each other (such that, it becomes a mutually corrective process of the halves recognising the best /heart in each other and helping one another to return to ourselves; Since we can all be fools to ourselves sometimes, especially when hurt).

Most people aprechiate someone that's like you describe, smile. Though, keep in mind that finding someone perfect is super rare, so work out any timeline you might have for finding your match, and keep consious of that as well.

Best of luck, and often when love works its the time we where no longer expecting it.

Blessedd be.

[spartan55]

I don't think you could have possibly handled this any worse.

[Asker]

I know. I made blunders. I think he was not meant for me. I really genuinely loved him. And tbh i am a very naive girl, I am just too good for this world. My frnd was suggesting to play hard to get type something, n make him chase you. I didn't understand this. I never had a boyfriend, n he was literally my second real love. I am 28 age. Imagine. It was so difficult for me. I think i lost him forever.

[spartan55]

I can give some advice if you want it. Don't listen to your friend, that was horrible advice and almost never works.

[slatyb]

Just invite him to coffee or whatever and get an answer.

[Asker]

He is not even ready to meet me. He literally ignores me frm every single space

[slatyb]

So you have never encountered him in person? In that case he's just a fantasy. Forget him and move on.

[Pohjolan]

A. He is not interested.

B. He is presuming that you are cockteasing him.

C. He was interested but has gotten over it and wants to move on.

[Asker]

Even when he was interested he never came forward after getting a lot of hints from me. He was just breadcrumbing n making my feelings stronger. He was never interested is what my gut says.

[spartan55]

@asker no, no, no... he didn't come forward because he wasn't sure if you liked him. Ignoring someone will tend to do that. Forget hints, I promise he didn't get any of them. Guys don't think that way.

[Asker]

@spartan55 but nothing can be done now right?

[spartan55]

I doubt it, he is likely over it by now. Do you want some help? Because honestly if you repeat some of things you did your success rate will be zero.

[Asker]

@spartan55 yes pls give some advice

[spartan55]

@asker OK, I'll go one bullet point at a time. And then you can ask any questions.
1) Next time DO NOT use go betweens (friends who talk to your crush on your behalf) Your lack of experience is not relevant here, you are far too old for that. It immediately sends a bad message.

[Asker]

@spartan55 yes that is true I understood it

[spartan55]

2) Never ignore or play hard to get with a guy you like. The only thing it will do is make him assume you lost interest. Way would you ignore someone you like? That's completely counterintuitive.

[Asker]

Plus i have a heavy butden where i feel i lost a lot.. I could've gotten him. I won't be able to even talk to him ever , this feels extremely heavy on my side

[Asker]

@spartan55 yes true

[spartan55]

Heavy butden?

[spartan55]

#3 Take accountability for your part. Guys cannot stand when girls won't be accountable or when they refuse to apologize when needed. We notice, trust me.

[Asker]

@spartan55 heavy burden*. Meaning i will have this regret that i didn't talk to him directly.

But honestly i didn't do anything that made him not to even meet me. He could've met me. He didn't even respond respectfully on message , i still said sorry to him. He was so rude in saying he doesn't think there is anything to discuss

[spartan55]

"I didn't do anything"
Exactly, and he was done.

[spartan55]

#4
If you just show up and add nothing to your relationship, then you can't expect anything from hin

[Asker]

@spartan55 yeah i got it. But now he is like intentionally ignoring me. Why is that even needed? Even if he doesn't ignore me, i an not going n doing anything unusual. Then why do that

[spartan55]

You broke up, why are talking to him at all?

[Asker]

@spartan55 didn't understand. Broke up? Wewere never in a relationship.

[spartan55]

Sorry, wrong post.

[Asker]

@spartan55 yeah i got it. But now he is like intentionally ignoring me. Why is that even needed? Even if he doesn't ignore me, i an not going n doing anything unusual. Then why do that

[Asker]

@spartan55 i have to forget him n move on. He was never meant for me

[spartan55]

I think that would be a good decision.

[Pohjolan]

"he never came forward after getting a lot of hints from me."
Hints such as?

[Aeropitz]

He doesn’t like you back and you made him uncomfortable by chasing him.

[Asker]

Yes i think so. Is there any chance that he will be interested?

[spartan55]

@Aeropitz
It's like you were talking to a wall.