Is it a red flag if a guy has kids that he is no longer in touch with?

[Anonymous]

I have been seeing a guy for a year. During the beginning, I asked him "why are you unmarried at your age 43?" I found it a bit unusual why a guy like his age would still be unmarried. He replied "I had always been working hard in school / career, never really had time to date. But recently, I didn't like the woman that my mom tried to set me up with"

But recently I checked his reddit profile history and I saw his posts from 6 years ago about a Valentine's day gift his "wife" had given him. My stomach turned so I asked him "are you married?" He replied "no. I"m divorced. why would you ask that?" I didn't reply.

Then I noticed another post from 5 years ago stating that his second son had been born and that he just brought his wife back from the hospital. I never told him that I found out that he had 2 sons. I doubt he would like me to confront him about this. But currently, I noticed that he never goes to see his children. He spends weekends with his parents and nephews. It really seems like his ex wife just disappeared with the kids.

I just felt really gutted about how he never told me he had been hiding this from me for so long. I'm also kinda found it off putting how he's no longer in touch with his kids.

Updates

+1 y

he says he divorced his ex wife because he wanted sex 2 to 3 times a day while she only wanted it once a day.

[slatyb]

Lying about being divorced with children should be a deal-breaker. There's no telling what else he is lying about, and it's a strong sign that he will lie in the future.

[Asker]

bigger red flag for me is the fact he is no longer in touch with his kids. he kept telling me he has plans to have children in the future

[slatyb]

Not a stand-up guy. I'm sorry it took you so long to find out.

[abc3643]

This is a red flag for a half-dozen reasons.
He needs to go.
Move on.

[Asker]

I am very emotionally attached to him. its very hard for me to leave. it would be my entire world crumbling. I can't go a few days without talking to him

[SallyTho87]

Digging up peoples pasts for your own entertainment isn't something that you should be doing. You've been seeing this man for a year, and yet you still do not trust him or his word.
What people post online is sometimes not the reality. I have used my reddit account to post questions for friends who do not have reddit, or use it. To obtain neutral party opinions and advice.
He could essentially have done that - you do not know.

If you do not believe him, and have the audacity to investigate him behind his back, that is a red flag. You don't need to patronize someone for not sharing what happened between their ex wife, or why the children were not with him. Maybe they were not even HIS biological kids, and they were his ex wives children from a previous relationship.
You do not know.

You've given your time and effort for a full YEAR with this man, even judging from the get go as to why he is not married at his age. That is demeaning and such an abrasive, unnecessary question. Not everyone chooses to get married, or wants marriage.

I think this guy should find someone else who actually respects him and the answers he provides. You clearly do not, nor do you trust him or trust his word, so why are you wasting his time?

[Asker]

I have the right to find out the truth and that he is lying even if it means investigating him. he has no right to lie

[SallyTho87]

Again, you are not taking his word yet you've taken up an entire year of this mans life. You can investigate, but you cannot jump to conclusions and "feel gutted" not even knowing the context behind things that were posted years ago, lol.

If you do not believe the information he is giving you, break up. You need trust in order to have a relationship, and it's very clear you do not trust this guy at all.

[Asker]

this man has lied to me an entire year and you are sitting here trying to justify that he has the right to lie to me.

[Peridot25]

@Asker What exactly has he lied about? Seems like he was straight up but reluctant to say more. Which there’s a total difference.

[Asker]

@Peridot25

I just feel wronged that we have been together for a year, been so close, called me his "soulmate" and then hid something this big from me

[SallyTho87]

He DOES have the right what he chooses to disclose or not to disclose to you. It's HIS past, HIS life, and if he doesn't want to share he absolutely does not need to.
That is something you can either respect, as his partner, and accept he is not willing to discuss that aspect of his life with you, or you can continue to poke and investigate and create a heavy resentment that will ruin your relationship.

[Asker]

He DOES NOT have any right to fool anyone. Fooling other people is morally incorrect. I have the right to pick a husband based on the truth, not based on lies. Him having kids would be a deal breaker.

[Peridot25]

@Asker Then you might as well just end it. Go tell him right now it’s over between you two.

[SallyTho87]

He does, as it's his private life and his decision to share. You can investigate all you want, but he certainly isn't willing to provide any detail of his past to you, so instead you are trying to pry and dig up any information you can, which is disrespecting your partner, and crossing a personal boundary he has set.
No one owes you information, or details of their past, or their life.

I agree with Peridot25, You have no reason to be with someone whom you do not respect, and I'd recommend ending the relationship. I hope he finds this question you have posted, and searches through your past / accounts, to see the person you truly are.

[Asker]

I have the right to select a husband based off of the truth about his background, not a bunch of made up lies.

[Peridot25]

@Asker You don’t want to leave. You don’t want to stay either. What do you want?

[Asker]

@Peridot25

eventually I will have to rip the painful band aid off. I won't marry him. But its hard to make the complete rip just as of right now

[Peridot25]

I wouldn’t jump to calling it a red flag just yet because you don’t know his life story. And this sort of topic isn’t easy to talk about. Especially, when he says he didn’t like his ex wife. That right there is a key itself. We don’t know what happened between him and his ex and what causes him to not see his kids.
I’m sure he loves his kids and wants to see them but I have a feeling there’s something deeper.
It may raises questions but he probably had his reasons why he’s unmarried still. Going through a divorce, especially if it was a bad one, puts a damper on your mindset of marriage. Let alone relationships.
I say just take a breather and let him come to you when he’s ready to talk about his life before meeting you.

[Asker]

he says he divorced his ex wife because he wanted sex 2 to 3 times a day while she only wanted it once a day.

[Peridot25]

Unfortunately, sex incompatibility is one the main reasons for a couple to break up or divorce.

[Asker]

he works so much that he barely has the time to have sex 2-3 times a day. I find it a pretty lame reason to divorce

[Peridot25]

How long were they married for?

[Asker]

I never asked. it is apparent that this is a topic he is uncomfortable talking about so I didn't feel comfortable asking.

[Peridot25]

That’s why I said have him come to you when he’s ready to talk about his past.

[Peridot25]

If he doesn’t, then leave it be. Why push it?

[Asker]

I just feel wronged that we have been together for a year, been so close, called me his "soulmate" and then hid something this big from me

[Peridot25]

I think you should just end it. Do it right now.

[Asker]

I'm still super emotionally attached to him. I'm very emotionally reliant on him. Never spent more than a few days without talking to him over the past year. Its a hard move.

[Peridot25]

Do whatever you want then. I don’t know what else to tell you.

[exitseven]

His divorce may have been ugly and his ex wife has turned his kids against him and after a while he just gave up. Or maybe he has skipped out on child support. Or maybe he is a selfish jerk. The red flag is that he is 43 and only hangs out with his parents.

[ProbablyClueless]

I mean... it's sure as hell not a good sign. Even if the guy is doing nothing wrong and his ex is a manipulative bitch; being around him will expose you to her insanity.

[Malwi93]

yes he's most likely an ass. if the kids didn't cut contact themselves or are druggies

[Asker]

his sons can't be old enough to cut contact. his sons are likely just 6-9 years old. he does seem to be a bit of an asshole, not straight up evil but has narcissistic traits.

[Malwi93]

oh ok. by age listd i assumed

[KrakenAttackin]

There is a good chance the mother is isolating the father from the kids.

[Asker]

I don't think a mother can isolate a father from the kids. considering the fact, the judge grants visits mandatory father visits for the children

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker... are you fucking kidding me? Calling Capt. Clueless..

[Asker]

judge will always grant the father visitation rights unless there is legitimate proof that he is an abuser or pedophile

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker... the mother can do a thousand different things to prevent court ordered visitation. She can say the kiddos sick, has conflicting plans, that the father is negligent/abusive (without proof). When the father gets a girlfriend is when the mother usually loses her fucking mind and uses the kid as a weapon.

[Asker]

the judge will never prevent father from seeing the kids unless there is legitimate proof that he is abusive under court of law. often times , the father is granted visitation rights but he never visits the kids

[MattyIce_IceBaby]

Yeah it's odd. But why are you snooping?

[gorydetails]

10000% red flag.

[Asker]

also because he lied right?