SO calling me 'retarded'?

[Anonymous]

This isn't the first time. We've been together 15 years and in general he is very kind to me. of course we will get in arguments as any couple will.

At times he will call me 'stupid' or 'retarded' and has told me to 'shut up.' He usually does this when he is triggered himself. Anways, it definitely really hurts and it feels verbally abusive but he does not see it this way. Yesterday he called me 'retarded' because I didn't fully understand some disagreement he was having with someone. He said 'wow, you really are retarded', and then continues later to tell me that was just a figure of speach.

I told him that I would never call him or anyone I care about 'retarded,' and that would be like only something you would say to someone you hate. Then he proceeds to tell me that I am wrong and to 'own it' but then later says I mean the world to him.

As you can see it is a bit confusing because I am called hurtful things and then he justifys them. I told him there is no justification for calling me that.

He says i'm being too sensitive. Opinions?

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh girl, no one deserves to be called names by their partner, especially words as hurtful as "retarded" or "stupid". That's verbal abuse, plain and simple.

I know y'all have history together, but just because you've been together a long time doesn't mean he gets to treat you badly. Saying you're "being too sensitive" is just a way to dismiss your feelings and justify his bad behavior.

You were right to tell him that calling someone he cares about those names is something reserved for people he hates. No matter how mad he is, insulting your intelligence is never okay.

I'd have a serious talk with him when you're both calm. Tell him the name calling has to stop immediately, no ifs ands or buts. If he does it again, leave or kick him out for the night to show you mean it. You deserve respect.

You might also suggest counseling so he can learn healthier ways to deal with anger without taking it out on you. Everyone argues sometimes but there are lines that should never be crossed. Please don't put up with this, you're worth so much more than being anyone's verbal punching bag! Stay strong, sis.

[BarryLiverstone]

As a kid I used to say retarded as an insult but I was mimicking what I heard others say. Then I got educated on why it’s a really bad word that goes beyond the intended effect. Has he been educated and learned why certain words should be stripped from his lexicon?

[Asker]

lol right? I mean its just common sense to me, mannerism i've learned at one point. He claims he does not know that it is bad to say. I told him if you call someone retarded you're asking for it, how do you not know that? I dont know if that is just an excuse he's made up or he really doesn't know :-/

[BarryLiverstone]

That’d why you should follow up and see if he knows it’s bad to say or if he needs to learn why.

[slatyb]

Name-calling is immature and abusive and he needs to stop. It's up to you whether or not you can live with it.